What to do when a guy loses his erection

I recently started dating a guy who I like a lot. We just slept together for the first time last week, and while he was able to get an erection, he was unable to maintain it.

He was hard while we were making out, and when he went down on me, and when I went down on him. Yet, as soon as he went to put it in, he went limp. He was wearing a condom at the time, but he said it wasn't that.

I honestly didn't care that he lost his erection. I wasn't mad or pissed with him. I figured that we could just lie in bed and touch each other, give each other back massages, kiss, etc etc. He was really embarassed, and upset, and kept asking me if I was mad. He asked me if I was mad at least six times. I told him that I wasn't upset and it was fine. I then proceeded to lightly touch his penis, and take it in my mouth. I had no intention of trying to get him hard again. He says that he lost his erection because he was under stress and he was tired. I believed him if course. I told him that we could just lay in bed together, but he left about five minutes after the incident happened.

My question is, how does one console a guy after he loses his erection? Should I have done or said anything differently?

That used to happen to me in the beginning of my relationship with my girlfriend. I reacted the same way as your boyfriend. Just reassure him that you're being honest that you're not mad and that you can understand his reasons for losing an erection.

It sounds like you handled it well. It's unavoidable that he'd be upset by it, so don't feel like it was your fault.

What you could try is tell him you prefer oral anyway so it doesn't matter. He might feel better about that because it's something he has complete control over.

human_male said:

It sounds like you handled it well. It's unavoidable that he'd be upset by it, so don't feel like it was your fault.

What you could try is tell him you prefer oral anyway so it doesn't matter. He might feel better about that because it's something he has complete control over.

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You handled it great but I disagree with human_male that you should tell him you prefer oral anyway so it doesn't matter. Of course if that's the truth you can go that route but if human_male is advocating using a lie to address the situation than I vote NO.

Honesty and communication are the key to any good relationship and ATTITUDE makes all the difference in male arousal. You did everything right. Are you sure you haven't done this before

It can happen to any guy for any number of reasons: stress, lack of sensation with the condom, nervousness, frame of mind, etc. The key is not to dwell on it. The more it occupies his mind the more he's going to obsess about it and the more likely it is to happen again. Keep doing what you're doing, don't mention it unless he does and see how it goes....

I'm just going on a hunch here, but perhaps you could tell him you want to continue to explore eachothers' bodies and put off having sex again until your relationship is more established. Since you mentioned the extreme newness of this one could be contributing to your problems orgasming, it seems like holding off for awhile might be a very good thing for both of you physically and emotionally. Depending on how you two deal with these problems, waiting could even save your relationship. His problem may be an indication that he likes you and wants this to be more than a fuckbuddy situation, so taking the pressure off and acting in the interest of the relationship will likely bring him great relief (who knows, he may want to suggest waiting, but doesn't know how to bring it up or want you to misinterpret it as being unwanted).

There's nothing wrong with casual sex, but when one or more of the participants are having trouble with it, it may be time to reevaluate. Given what you've told us about your history, I'm concerned about you jumping into another relationship, much less a fully sexual one, so soon, Sweetie, and it sounds like both of you are as well. If you don't want a repeat of the last one, act differently this time around; if it's difficult for you to do, it's probably the right thing for you (not to mention him and you as a couple).

If this is a really good guy--the kind you deserve--you owe it to both of you to build a solid foundation of friendship, love and physical intimacy, and having all of those things will bring you lots of erections and orgasms.

Two other ideas... Is he taking any kind of medication? Could be a side effect. Also, he might want to have his testosterone level checked.

Yang4yin said:

Two other ideas... Is he taking any kind of medication? Could be a side effect. Also, he might want to have his testosterone level checked.

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I'm not really disagreeing, nor am I a guy, but I'd think talking about meds and testosterone levels when this has only happened on one occasion and there are some other pretty obvious, standard possible causes could make him feel worse about it and exacerbate the problem.

So, I'd likely hold off on that until it had happened quite a few times and we'd tried to eliminate other issues such as stress, exhaustion, nervousness, fear of pregnancy and STDs and lack of readiness or emotional intimacy because I can see myself becoming more anxious if my partner jumped straight to meds and suggested a doctor's visit after, say, I hadn't gotten wet or orgasmed one of the first times we were together (especially since I'm about as wild as going to the doctor as many men are). I'd want to be reassured, believed, and work on the smaller things that could make a big difference like reducing stress, resting up and becoming more comfortable with my partner first.

I've had the Problem

I have been in the guys situation myself. My issue stopped once we had established a relationship based on a future. I think after exporing this, I came to understand that raised in a small town and Church instructions, I felt that to have sex before marriage was wrong(since desided this was BS) and oral was fine since no one can generally get prego that way, but making love was not right. I do agree patience will work well!
However, I once was taking some medicine that caused a raising problem. I stopped the pills and everything worked fine.

It sounds like he's just nervous to me. Maybe you need to just relax and get into the intercourse part of things later, gradually building up to it, making out, giving each other oral, etc.

He may just feel pressured to perform, even if you're not doing anything to make him feel that way. If love comes first, then the heavy sex, he's a lot more likely to be relaxed and not lose his erection. Good luck.

SweetErika said:

I'm just going on a hunch here, but perhaps you could tell him you want to continue to explore eachothers' bodies and put off having sex again until your relationship is more established. Since you mentioned the extreme newness of this one could be contributing to your problems orgasming, it seems like holding off for awhile might be a very good thing for both of you physically and emotionally.

Given what you've told us about your history, I'm concerned about you jumping into another relationship, much less a fully sexual one, so soon, Sweetie, and it sounds like both of you are as well. If you don't want a repeat of the last one, act differently this time around; if it's difficult for you to do, it's probably the right thing for you (not to mention him and you as a couple).

If this is a really good guy--the kind you deserve--you owe it to both of you to build a solid foundation of friendship, love and physical intimacy, and having all of those things will bring you lots of erections and orgasms.

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I completely agree with you on holding off. I wanted to hold off, but I think we just got caught in the moment (not that that's a valid excuse).
Like you said, my history is bad. I never had a true intimate relationship. I would love to have one with this guy, because I can already see that he treats me and respects me a lot more than my ex did.
To tell you the truth, I did feel a little pressured to have sex with him. He would talk about it, and I thought that since he wanted sex with me, it would bring us closer, but I now realize that we've only been seeing each other for two weeks and there is no way that we could have a close intimate bond already.
I like the idea of wanting to explore each others bodies because I wasn't able to take my time with my ex during sexual activity. He always rushed it and I was never able to experience soft touches all over my body.
He went away for Thanksgiving in the mountains, so there was no cell phone service, but he's supposed to call me tonight and hopefully we can talk about this. I will not bring up the loss of erection, but I would love to talk to him about taking our time.

SweetErika said:

I'm not really disagreeing, nor am I a guy, but I'd think talking about meds and testosterone levels when this has only happened on one occasion and there are some other pretty obvious, standard possible causes could make him feel worse about it and exacerbate the problem.

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You're right!

NOTE TO SELF: Read everything before posting.

Save what I said for later, if this continues. Another option would be to use a cock ring after he gets an erection.

Sounds to me like a case of nerves too. All that pressure to preform the first time is probably a little daunting for some. I'd not worry about it, just give it time.

It's entirely possible that you may be over analyzing this... It is very common for a man, during his first encounter with a new lover to develop performance anxiety.... Or for lack of a better term...STAGE FRIGHT It will I assure you work itself out

hmmmm..

in my experience, its best not to let it snowball....or it could turn into a much bigger thing than just a random event.
This happens to every guy from time to time, but what has helped me in the past is knowing that I'm on the same wavelength emotionally as the girl/guy I'm with.
For instance, it happened a few times in the beginning of my currrent relationship, but for the past 2 years things have been incredible (especially after the Mr. G thread )....excpet for the occasional drunk-dick.
Unfortunately, there isnt much more the other person can do, other than to make sure he knows you care for him regardless. The good part about it all is that he is ABLE to have an erection. It's fun to work on the rest!

That's also effected by the amount of alcohol you ingest too. I've witnessed it several times...

Yeah I just want to throw in that this happens to me too whenever I have a new partner. I get really anxious/nervous about performance/looks and being nervous is no good for erections . The thing that has helped me overcome this is really trusting the other person and knowing that they truely like me for who i am and not just as a person to have sex with...i know thats weird coming from a guy but i guess thats just how i was raised. I think that if you spend a little more time with the guy and develop more of a relationship with him that the problem will eventually go away. BTW i think you handled the situation very well telling him that you really dont mind and all that but its just hard for a guy to believe that your not just as disapointed about not getting to have sex as they would be if they were in your shoes. Just keep with him and everything will go fine next time or the time after...or the time after (with my first girlfriend it took a good 5 times... that sucked )

I've tried handling it a lot of different ways and so far as I can tell, they were all wrong. Don't beat yourself up over it. You didn't cause it and you can't fix it.

Shooter_XL said:

Yeah I just want to throw in that this happens to me too whenever I have a new partner. I get really anxious/nervous about performance/looks and being nervous is no good for erections . The thing that has helped me overcome this is really trusting the other person and knowing that they truely like me for who i am and not just as a person to have sex with...i know thats weird coming from a guy but i guess thats just how i was raised. I think that if you spend a little more time with the guy and develop more of a relationship with him that the problem will eventually go away. BTW i think you handled the situation very well telling him that you really dont mind and all that but its just hard for a guy to believe that your not just as disapointed about not getting to have sex as they would be if they were in your shoes. Just keep with him and everything will go fine next time or the time after...or the time after (with my first girlfriend it took a good 5 times... that sucked )

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Thanks Shooter. I think that this might have been one of the reasons as to why he couldn't hold an erection. I have yet to talk to him about it, and I'm not going to because he felt so embarassed and I don't want to open old wounds, but I did ask him if we could hold off on the intimacy. I told him that I wanted to get to know him better.
He seemed quite relieved actually. I told him that I felt we were rushing and we should take our time so that way when we do have sex it will be special. He completely agreed, and although it has been a little tough because we are both so attracted to each other, I'm finding that this is the best solution.