Marriage counselling is useless !

Has anyone ever had marriage counselling that worked ? My wife and I are separating but we were seeing a marriage counselor. What a waste of time and money.

In the second session he told us not to fight at home. We were supposed to bring the issues to counselling. So the next session I brought up a hot issue and he said it was too deep to tackle !

And he goes on and on with stories that don't have any relevance. Wastes time at $100 per hour.

My wife doesn't think anything is wrong with her. Our issues are all because of me, of course. I went to counselling on my own about my issues. I asked her to do the same. She went once and came home and said all her issues are because of me. OK.

We went to counselling about 5 years ago. Were referred by the Catholic church. Basically found out that if we prayed more we wouldn't need counselling. Yeah, sure. Maybe those priests that abused boys should have prayed more...

Basically, I've come to the conclusion counselling is useless unless someone wants to change and if they wanted to change and they are a bit observant, they wouldn't need to go to counselling in the first place.

The thing I don't understand is employee benefits coverage of counselling. If I break my leg, I'm covered 100% for getting it fixed. I'll lose a couple days of work, but that is about it.

When my marriage needs help, we get $50 per visit, maximum of $400 per year. Well, I'll probably miss quite a bit of work while I sort all this out emotionally. Darn shrinks are $100 to $120 per hour and not much gets resolved in an hour.

Your thoughts ?

You get out of counselling what you put into it and not every counselor is the right one for each situation/person/couple.

I don't know what else I can put into it. I come to counselling with notes, I do my reading and I try to do the homework.

Not every counselor is right ? I don't think we've had a good one yet. My wife is really stubborn. Its he said, she said and things don't get resolved. She's had intimacy problems with people for a long time. I can see the pattern. Counselors will never call a spade a spade or maybe they don't see it.

I guess it doesn't really matter.

Not every counsellor is right for every person/couple. You may have to try others to get one that will get results. Mine walked out on us and she refuses to pursue it any further so here we are. Hope you do better than we.

You already mentioned one of the most important elements -- willingness. There must be a willingness to at least look at issues, we all have them, some might be easier to see than others but it's the willingness to look that is a must. Awareness is the next big key but it's futile without the energy to consider changes.

As far as insurance goes, the stigma of 'mental health' still mucks up a lot of stuff, starting with how we see it, personally and/or as a society. I believe the most successful people in life (nothing financial) are those that have good support systems. We can't be well adjusted people if we thing we are all we need... just doesn't work, IMHO.

Sorry for the mess you're in.

seldom does counseling change a person enough to make a partnership work out or heal enough to continue........ there otta be tougher requirements to becoming a marriage counselor though

Maybe you should try another counsellor....There really are some that are better than others (or maybe some that click more with certain cituations). Also, everyone else is right....poeple have to Want to change....if you don't then no amount of counselling will fix anything.

I'm going to go along with what seems to be the obvious suggestion, that a different counsellor may be better. They aren't one size fits all.
And neither will even a good one perform miracles. If your marriage isn't meant to work, it won't. That may seem overly fatalistice...I am personally of the opinion that nothing is impossible.
But, still, if you both go to counselling but even if just one of you doesn't want it to work, not only will it not work but the whole marriage won't either.
As you said, willingness
I've never been married...that is my biggest sorrow. But i have been in relationships (or, actually, relationship) where I knew I was willing to do whatever it took to save it, even as the other didn't seem to feel the same urgency. The benefit was that over time I learned, am learning detachment.
You can't push a thing in a direction it just won't go.

I have never known of a marriage counselor that helped any of my friends. Not saying it can't happen - just don't know of anyone personally.

Dude - quit bitching and get out already! geesh!

footlongish said:

I don't know what else I can put into it. I come to counselling with notes, I do my reading and I try to do the homework.

Not every counselor is right ? I don't think we've had a good one yet. My wife is really stubborn. Its he said, she said and things don't get resolved. She's had intimacy problems with people for a long time. I can see the pattern. Counselors will never call a spade a spade or maybe they don't see it.

I guess it doesn't really matter.

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That's the problem - your wife. Both people have to want it to work. And as others have said here, the right therapist is something you gotta look for. We were lucky, and got the right one the first time. That was 10 yrs into our marriage...we're still together and just celebrated our 31st wedding anniversary. He's the best (hubby).

I feel for you! It was bitch for us for a good 2 yrs, probably. It was well worth it though. Sometimes the battle is a test of the quality of the relationship...if your wife doesn't want to work with you, then it's not meant to be. It's not your fault if it goes south. You'll be better off without her if she doesn't care enough to participate.

Btw...I was the one with the intimacy problem - but I really wanted to work it through. Turns out he had some problems too, that he wasn't aware of. Our therapist called ours a Rocks and Holes relationship: I had rocks in my head, and he had the holes. Worked fer a while! lol!

I wish you lots of luck!

If your relationship is to the point that you need a counselor to deal with it, it's already dead in the water.
Move on.

Marriage counsellors are about as successful as EMTs using a defibrillator on a DOA call. It's just for show, to let the witness know you tried everything and did your best. Once in a blue moon they work.

I got tired of more questions and no answers one time and backed the little fucker up in a corner and strongly suggested the next words out of his mouth should be words of wisdom.

( I had a small problem with anger once upon a time. )

This is what he said.

" When you get enough of it you will do something about it."

That only cost me about $1000.00. divorce not included.

He was right.

I took a poll and we discovered that you are useless.

Please cease to be.

I hate to say it, but counseling in general is a useless endeavor in most cases. Why?... because in most cases people arrive wanting the counselor to give them a quick fix to their problems that doesn't require them changing anything about their own outlook on the situation.

And then there are the quacks. Saves a lot of time to just admit you're fucked up, decide whether or not you want to change, and then move on, one way or the other.

However, if the answer is yes, you do want to change, then counseling can be a great help, as long as you get lucky enough to have the right counselor.

Marriage licenses should have an expiration date....

Although I've never been to a marriage counselor or any other kind of therapist before I'll have to agree with you...

In my opinion counselors of any sort are worthless. First of all, I really don't think they care about you as an individual, just another case study. In other words it's

Nor are they as smart as their degree would have them think they are... With a little research you could know what they know and would probably be better at figuring out your own problems.

Not to mention every time you switch (to find the right one as suggested) you have to start all the way from the beginning, YET AGAIN!

I can see how it would get extremely frustrating, to the point of just saying "fuck it" .

That's just my take on it...

How many counsellors have you seen?

Is it worth the time/expense/heartache?

What do you get from the sessions?

footlongish said:

My wife and I are separating but we were seeing a marriage counselor.

My wife doesn't think anything is wrong with her. Our issues are all because of me, of course. I went to counselling on my own about my issues. I asked her to do the same. She went once and came home and said all her issues are because of me. OK.

Basically, I've come to the conclusion counselling is useless unless someone wants to change and ...

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My ex was an alcoholic and, of course, it was all my fault. Of course it didn't have anything to do with the fact she grew up in a household where both parents were alcoholics and one of the two living grandparents was also.

In a relationship, if one person has a problem it becomes a problem for both. Counseling will only work if both parties are open minded about examining the problems and are willing to do whatever it takes to solve them.

We've seen 3 counselors. One about 10 years ago. It helped some. Wife learned to control her bitchiness a bit. One about 5 years ago. The religious guy. Didn't help a bit. We just gave up, swept everything under the carpet and went on.

The last one, a few weeks ago. Older guy. Rambles like crazy. Maybe he is losing it. We are supposed to be nice to each other. I'm not a counselor, but if I was, I think I'd get the couple to dig right down into the root of things and get the issues out. Id be confrontational. Like I said, I'm not a counselor. And I don't do that with my wife either.

Its good hearing you "guys" throw stuff out.

footlongish said:

In the second session he told us not to fight at home. We were supposed to bring the issues to counselling. So the next session I brought up a hot issue and he said it was too deep to tackle !

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I forgot to address this in my previous post.

I don't know if you are still in counseling but if you are, I suggest you ask the counselor exactly how you are supposed to address this problem if you can't do so with him.

He believes if we communicated better the issues would take care of themselves. He said he can't solve our problems, only we can.

He sure retreated on the "bring your problems here" line. It wasn't even a big issue, just a fight that broke out that we (or I) saved for the session.

Then he kind of taunts me about leaving. That frosted me. My wife and I had a fight and I said I wanted out. She asked me to stay for a bit to try. So I said OK. So we go to the counselor and he tells me I have no intent on leaving ? Why don't you just slap me for coming to the session ! What an idiot !

my manic depressive ex and i went to a counsellor to try and save our relationship.
without even acknowledging the mental illness that had started all the crap, the counsellor (who had the most annoying facial tic i have ever had the misfortune to become fixated on) decided that all the problems in our relationship were due to - wait for it -

my abandonment issues with men which were caused by my brother dying in a motorcycle accident!

say what???
what about the illness that turned the ex from a nice guy into an abusive monster???
how exactly did it become my fault???

councellors - if you're seeing one, your relationship is already fucked beyond repair.
it's only a matter now of how long you want to keep flogging the horse.

Before my ex-wife and I divorced we went to a marriage councilor for about a month. Well, before we went as a couple she went on her own for about a month without me, not because I didn't want to go, but she said she needed to talk about some things with the therapist before we both went together.

Well, every single session turned into a blindside Ulaven and get him to admit what an asshole he is and how everything was my fault. This from the 'marriage' councilor. Neither of them were interested in saving our marriage, just blaming me for the failure of it. No give and take, no resolving any issues, just this 'therapist' justifying her and vilifying me. The funny part was MY insurance was paying this fuck to tell me how much of an asshole I was and that my ex-wife was right in wanting a divorce.

My self-image includes the concept "has the patience of a saint".

This was born out when I went to a female relationship counselor with my ex, at her insistence. The usual outcome of this situation, as far as I can tell, is that the grievances of the female are reinforced. Not so in this case. The counselor made it very clear that my ex was a headcase with terminal OCD and that not one men in a hundred would likely sit still for her shenanigans.