What does he want???

Hi, I dont even know how to begin, I need some advice.

I started dating this guy, about 5 weeks ago. I like to take things really slowly
and we have only kissed, and he has touched my breasts through my dress. NO sex, NO oral. He seems to be OK with this, as he seems to really like me. He is very very responsible, getting his phd, loves his family, no drugs no drama, and I am very attracted to him! He is very chivalrous, and actually bought me jewelry, and surprized me with it..and I have only known him for 5 weeks!!! He seems perfect right??

But I think that he has"different" sexual ideas, from the other guys I have dated.

He has said and done things that make me wonder. I just need someone to fill me in.


* I have super long hair and when he goes to kiss me some times he will pull my hair and pull my head back, pretty hard actually , then kiss me.

* Also, sometimes before he kisses me, he "bites air" first, like snaps his jaw shut infront of my face, like he is going to bite me, then he will kiss me.

* then when he kisses me, he kisses me really hard, to the point where it hurts then he pulls away, and stares at me. Which makes me feel a little embarassed.

* then he also bites my neck really hard and to the point that marks are left, also he bites my lip and bites his own lip, and one time I let him put his hand down my blouse and he pinched my nipple really hard.

* when he pinched my nipple really hard, he said "first there is pain, then there is pleasure" then he told me to relax, and he did it again, and I thought that what he said was true, because it did hurt really bad, but then I felt warm sensation, but I dont know if it was because of his suggestion.

*He is obsessed with my belly button and ALWAYS wants to lift up my shirt to see it, and wants to kiss it , bite it and put his finger in it.

*Once he called and I was getting ready for bed, so he asked me what I was doing, and I told him that I was putting on my pjs and trying to find my "sleep aid" and he asked what a sleep aid was and I said, you know the night mask that you put over your eyes, to keep the light out. and then he said
"OHHH! So you like to be blindfolded? I will remember THAT!!"

*He stares stares stares at me constantly, and looks into my eyes, then even if I look away, and look back, or look down and look back he is still staring stareing stareing at me! And when I look back at him he will bite his lip or smile at me like he is thinking something evil

*then finally I asked him why he stares so heavily at me, and he told me that in about 10 more dates he will be able to "read my mind" (my emotions not my thoughts obviously) so that he can "bring me what ever I need" and he told me that if I am sad, I should tell him what I am sad about so he can fix it and prevent it in the future, and if I am happy I should tell him why so he can give me what I need to be happy in the future.

*also after he left the marks I complained the next day that I had to wear a turtleneck and I wrote him a silly email about it,,,and he replied tellling me that I "could punish him anyway I wanted" then when I saw him again, he insisted that I bite him (when I complained again) to get him back, and I just kissed his neck and he said NO bite me!!! So I scrapped my teeth on his neck but I would not bite him, I did not want to hurt him.

*a female friend of mine was observed by both of us, mistreating her boyfriend, she was telling him to get her some icecream, or she would leave him and my guy turned to me and said that he could never get along with a girl like that because he was "dominant" and would never allow a woman to treat him likethat.

* also he askes me questions like "do you want to rule me??"
I bet youd like to "rule me"

*also, the same above mentioned friend, is KINKY in that she three boyfriends at the same time, and has also gone hom with a couple, and was talking about it, and my guy later in private asked me, if I was kinky like my friend and I said NOOOOOOOO I am not kinky!!
Then I saw this as a good place to ask him, what was up with him, so I said
"are YOU Kinky??
and he said "NO!! I am not kinky, I am rough"

what is this guy about, is he s and m, or what does he want, what is he doing?? I know he is not mainstream sexual, he just doesnt act like other guys I have dated, what does rough mean????

I told myself, that I would never like the above mentioned activities, but he is a man that I like ALOT, so I guess if he bites me it is OK, I even like it because I like him so much.

and he is a total gentleman, in other regards

also, my friend said, that he was looking for a dominatrix, which doesnt make sense because I am so completely girly, and I dont wear black leather, so would nt he look for someone who does,

and my mom disagrees with my friend, she thinks that he is just sexually fustrated around me,

I just dont have the guts to ask him myself, what he is up too.

If you want to know what he is "up to" the only way to find out will be to discuss your observations with him, and ask. There is no way complete strangers on the internet can figure out what is in the man's mind.

BTW- one doesn't necessarily need to wear leather, or be in any way less than "girly", to be a Domme.

I guess I dont want to ask him for a couple of reasons

* I am embarrassed, I have only had sex with one person and that was a 4 year relationship with a boyfriend, it ended in January. Yes, I sure have made out with alot of other guys, but sex is not something I am comfortable doing, or just TALKing about with people I am still getting to know.

* I like him, he really is a great guy, and he works SOOOOO hard, and is so responsible, and smart, and I have a great deal of respect for him, that if he is kinky or rough as he puts it, I dont mind. As long as he doesnt have a temper or anger when he did it, I wouldnt care if he spanked me. (and he doesnot have a temper, btw, he is very mildmannered) I dont want him to feel like he has to censor himself around me, if that is who he is, I want him to be who he is, I dont want people to change for me

* we have not had sex, yet, and I will not be having sex with him for a while (not because of this, but he has a huge qualifying test next month) but while we are not having sex, we are hanging out alot and I am getting really attached to him, and if he is different sexually, I want to know about it.

*ugh, my own words are telling me to be patient, so maybe that is the answer, I cant bring myself to ask, but if he wanted me to know he would tell me, right?? Of course, he IS telling me something with all of his actions, I just dont know what it is...so back to square one.

thanks anyway! your opinions are always welcomed!

by the way

sorry about the black leather assumption

as you can probably tell, I dont know what I am talking about

We have a library. Maybe you could read it sometime.

You want to know what he's "about"? Ask him. Don't expect people here to be able to psychoanalyze this guy.

Considering that you just joined and made you first post, both today... some of us are kinda cautious about the whole thing.

snowpetal said:

Hi, I dont even know how to begin, I need some advice.

I started dating this guy, about 5 weeks ago. I like to take things really slowly
and we have only kissed, and he has touched my breasts through my dress. NO sex, NO oral. He seems to be OK with this, as he seems to really like me. He is very very responsible, getting his phd, loves his family, no drugs no drama, and I am very attracted to him! He is very chivalrous, and actually bought me jewelry, and surprized me with it..and I have only known him for 5 weeks!!! He seems perfect right??

But I think that he has"different" sexual ideas, from the other guys I have dated.

He has said and done things that make me wonder. I just need someone to fill me in.


* I have super long hair and when he goes to kiss me some times he will pull my hair and pull my head back, pretty hard actually , then kiss me.

* Also, sometimes before he kisses me, he "bites air" first, like snaps his jaw shut infront of my face, like he is going to bite me, then he will kiss me.

* then when he kisses me, he kisses me really hard, to the point where it hurts then he pulls away, and stares at me. Which makes me feel a little embarassed.

* then he also bites my neck really hard and to the point that marks are left, also he bites my lip and bites his own lip, and one time I let him put his hand down my blouse and he pinched my nipple really hard.

* when he pinched my nipple really hard, he said "first there is pain, then there is pleasure" then he told me to relax, and he did it again, and I thought that what he said was true, because it did hurt really bad, but then I felt warm sensation, but I dont know if it was because of his suggestion.

*He is obsessed with my belly button and ALWAYS wants to lift up my shirt to see it, and wants to kiss it , bite it and put his finger in it.

*Once he called and I was getting ready for bed, so he asked me what I was doing, and I told him that I was putting on my pjs and trying to find my "sleep aid" and he asked what a sleep aid was and I said, you know the night mask that you put over your eyes, to keep the light out. and then he said
"OHHH! So you like to be blindfolded? I will remember THAT!!"

*He stares stares stares at me constantly, and looks into my eyes, then even if I look away, and look back, or look down and look back he is still staring stareing stareing at me! And when I look back at him he will bite his lip or smile at me like he is thinking something evil

*then finally I asked him why he stares so heavily at me, and he told me that in about 10 more dates he will be able to "read my mind" (my emotions not my thoughts obviously) so that he can "bring me what ever I need" and he told me that if I am sad, I should tell him what I am sad about so he can fix it and prevent it in the future, and if I am happy I should tell him why so he can give me what I need to be happy in the future.

*also after he left the marks I complained the next day that I had to wear a turtleneck and I wrote him a silly email about it,,,and he replied tellling me that I "could punish him anyway I wanted" then when I saw him again, he insisted that I bite him (when I complained again) to get him back, and I just kissed his neck and he said NO bite me!!! So I scrapped my teeth on his neck but I would not bite him, I did not want to hurt him.

*a female friend of mine was observed by both of us, mistreating her boyfriend, she was telling him to get her some icecream, or she would leave him and my guy turned to me and said that he could never get along with a girl like that because he was "dominant" and would never allow a woman to treat him likethat.

* also he askes me questions like "do you want to rule me??"
I bet youd like to "rule me"

*also, the same above mentioned friend, is KINKY in that she three boyfriends at the same time, and has also gone hom with a couple, and was talking about it, and my guy later in private asked me, if I was kinky like my friend and I said NOOOOOOOO I am not kinky!!
Then I saw this as a good place to ask him, what was up with him, so I said
"are YOU Kinky??
and he said "NO!! I am not kinky, I am rough"

what is this guy about, is he s and m, or what does he want, what is he doing?? I know he is not mainstream sexual, he just doesnt act like other guys I have dated, what does rough mean????

I told myself, that I would never like the above mentioned activities, but he is a man that I like ALOT, so I guess if he bites me it is OK, I even like it because I like him so much.

and he is a total gentleman, in other regards

also, my friend said, that he was looking for a dominatrix, which doesnt make sense because I am so completely girly, and I dont wear black leather, so would nt he look for someone who does,

and my mom disagrees with my friend, she thinks that he is just sexually fustrated around me,

I just dont have the guts to ask him myself, what he is up too.

Click to expand...

Well, you have a lot of questions in this message, and like curious said, it's not really possible for some stranger on the outside to say exactly what's on this guy's mind. He's the only one who can really tell you that. But, there are some signs that seem to be forming that I might be able to give you an idea of what he's about. Keep in mind, this is only an observation and not something I can say for sure, because I don't know or have never met either of you. This is just from reading your message.

His staring kind of bothers me. I don't know if I would like that, or not. It might not mean anything at all, but I do agree with you that it's a little unusual. It could be part of his "style" of being a dominant personality. I don't know, for sure. What I mean by his style, means he might think it makes him look dominant to you, when he acts certain ways.

The hard kissing you mentioned is maybe another part of his style. I'd hope he can kiss in other ways, too. If that's the only way he likes to kiss...well, let's just hope it isn't. I enjoy softly kissing a woman's neck as much as any other, and I consider myself very domiannt, sexually.

Rough probably means he likes rough sex, and we are getting deeper into BDSM, now. That could mean almost anything, but the way you said he kissed you tells me he likes hard kissing and biting and pulling hair and probably will also like giving you pain, to some degree during a sex act. How much pain? I couldn't say...could be very minor, or it could start off as minor and slowly develop, as long as you accept it. It could be kind of like a test to see how you react to what he does.

In fact, many things he is doing could be to see how you react to it. He might not know how to tell you what he wants, in any other way. Like when asked if you are kinky. He could have said a lot more, but chose to use kinky. If you don't know, kinky doesn't mean anything specific. It is a sort of catch phrase which usually means the person is into some sexual things a little stronger than normal.

OK, I said normal, and some would say what is nromal? That is very true. Normal is only a word we use to explain what we consdier normal. But, to one person, normal might mean one thing, and to another, it could mean something that would seem more kinky to someone else. So, saying someone is normal is saying a relative statement and very difficult to define.

But, I do understand what you mean by normal. And I agree that he isn't really acting like other men you have dated. Now, is he to the point that you are worried that he might do something you don't want him to? That depends on how unusual you see him, and if he seems to be getting further from your "normal".

That is something you must decide for yourself. And, if he is, I'd say you should sit down with him and tell him you want to understand what some of these things he's been doing mean. Even if what he does doesn't really bother you other than they seem strange, I'd still think you would want to understand what and why he's doing them, if only to get into and understand his mind a little. I mean, if you're going to date this guy, and you like him, you should understand him. And, I think he would want you to understand him, too.

Now, if he's doing anything you don't like, be sure to tell him. If you don't say something, he could very well think you enjoy what he's doing and that would be giving him the wrong impression. Even if you do it ONLY because you like him, you must decide if you can continue to do these things he wants you to, ONLY because you like him. Usually, that isn't a good basis for a relationship. Both of you should enjoy what your partner does, for it to be a perfect fit.

He said he is a dominant. That means he likes to be the one in charge, at least during sex, and maybe more, down the road. Like I said above, he could te testing you to see just how far you will allow him to go with some things. If he's a dominant male(Dom for short), he is more than likely wanting you to be his submissive female (sub for short).

Being a sub could mean many things, as there are no rules being a sub. It usually is what the two partners decide together. It can mean many different things, and I could go on and on in such a definition. You should do some reading about being a female submissive, to see if any of it excites you.

There is a pretty good library at the top of this forum that has quite a lot of reading material. But, you shouldn't limit your sources to one. The Internet is full of reading material. I'm sure someone else could post some links in this thread for you. Other women have been exactly where you are, right now. Maybe some of them will give you ideas on what you could experience.

And, because there are so many things that could fall under being a submissive, don't believe you must do all things that you read about. Again, it is only what you two decide together. And, you BOTH should enjoy it, for the relationship to last. Just being submissive becuase you like him, isn't going to help, in the long run. You must feel it and enjoy it within yourself.

BE SURE that you understand there will be examples that say the submissive always defers to the Dom. That is only when she enjoys it. If he wants you to do something you don't like, and tries to force you, that's abuse. And, if he persists or insists, you should worry that he's too possessive. That can be bad, too. Just like any other kind of sex, no means no.

Getting to the rough sex, if you have never experienced rough sex, you should ask him what he means when he says he's "rough". And, he should be specific so you completely understand what you are to expect. You might end up enjoying it, so don't knock it until you've tried it. But, you should be entitled to understand what you can expect. And, I should hope he take his time with that, just like he's done with other things.

Again, the best thing you can do is maybe read up a little about being a submissive, so you have an understanding of what he might ask of you. And, there are all kinds of variations and degress of submission, so keep an open mind. After you read up a little about things, sit him down and tell him you've noticed some things and he's said some things that you want to understand.

Be straight with him, and as honest as you can. Don't say you will do something, if you don't think you can do it. But, sometimes you have to get a little taste of the kinky life, before you can totally understand it. If you want to go that route, maybe suggest something very minor that you could try.

Maybe some playful spanking or sex while he holds your arms above your head or behind your back, etc. Or maybe some different sexual positions that put your body into a submissive posture. If he wants to tie you up, I'd say no. You must know someone very well before you submit to being tied up. Not to scare you, but unless you completely trust him, it's not time to let him tie you up. That can come later, if you decide to continue this. If he cares for you, he will understand and wait. I know I would.

Take things in stride, because all of this is going to be very new to you. Don't judge something too soon, because you might end up enjoying it. But, BDSM isn't for everyone and it might not be for you. And, if it isn't, the sooner you both know this, the better.

Good luck.

I'll keep my advise short... run don't walk away from this relationship as fast as you can. It will become more and more abusive.. It's already abusive and it'll get a lot worse and probably never get better.. Your pain is his pleasure and we won't ask your permission.. if someone physically or mentally hurts you get them out your life as fast as possible.. He'll start trying to separate you from your family and start taking more and more control of your life so end it now.. It's not worth it.. even if you like him a lot.. he'll just use that to his benefit and use it to tighten his control of you.. he's a control freak with a lot more issues than you want even think about.. If you're in college try running what you told us by a counselor or therapist.. I bet they tell you to get as far away from him as possible..

As someone who believes that anything is okay as long as its between consenting adults, I find your post very disturbing. The reason is that there is not any informed consent on your part.

"I like him, he really is a great guy, and he works SOOOOO hard, and is so responsible, and smart, and I have a great deal of respect for him, that if he is kinky or rough as he puts it, I dont mind."

Most graduate students work hard, are smart and are responsible, they have to be. You need to decide if you want kinky and rough, this isn't a hundred years ago, you don't need a man to survive, nor do you need a man whose sexual style is not yours.

From what I see he is a control freak. He is being borderline abusive to an inexperienced person without asking, which in my mind is wrong. Your pain and helplessness is giving him pleasure, it does not sound like he is interesting in a two way sexual relationship. It doesn't sound like he is trying to give you pleasure.

Yes, if someone pinches your nipple its feels good when they stop, same as if you hit your head against the wall. If you get off on pain, you get off when the pain happens not afterwards.

There is no way he can read your or anyone's mind after 10 dates!!!! That sounds nuts. Even my closest friends who I have spent hours talking with for years can't read my mind.

I am serious concerned that he is extremely controlling and will most likely become abusive if you continue with him. I am afraid he'll separate you from your friends and family, he'll own you, do whatever he wishes witout asking you.

The staring is a control thing, or an unstable thing, in my experience it is what soon to be stalkers do.

Was that piece of jewelry a choker by any chance?

The bottomline is whether you agree with me on the above or not, you should not be in a relationship with someone you can't talk to about these things. You really need to being discussing this with him and if you can't do it, then you need to get out now.

As to what he wants-Perhaps a woman who will let him do anything to her sexually without his having to ask or discuss limits with her?

Get away

Run. As fast as u can. He doesnt even care to ask your consent? Do it now before its too late. x

Actually, the guy just sounds like a bit of a prat.

Or maybe just young & not sure how to go about developing his sexual domination techniques. The original poster does sound very young herself.

I like DVS' reply. Cautious but not dismissive. Give it a go, with care, & see what you like.

I, too, am a bit worried about the staring thing. It may be that he's trying out his "Domliness" for size, or it may really mean that he's going to become an obsessive stalker if you decide to walk away. Only you can judge the situation.

The other thing that makes me wonder is his asking "do you want to rule me?" Now that's not Domly at all & doesn't fit the other behaviour of this man as described.

Hair pulling & biting, now I love that, together with rough sex, but that's just me. Decide for yourself, now, if it turns you on or not because if that's his thing it's not going to change. If you prefer gentle lovemaking, this man is not for you.

Personally I find the posts telling you to run away amusing based on the little information given and the content, and especially on this forum where SM and all things related are celebrated. Sure he could be an abuser, but just cause someone likes rough kissing, a little neck biting, and using hair to pull your head back for kissing, an abuser does not make just as a Dom it does not make. Frankly I have had vanilla men who liked to express affection that way who were nowhere near being into BDSM, or kinky, and would likely think it was perverted and sick, and also were not abusive...watch some of the old Hollywood classics and you will see it repeatedly as a sign of a masculine, romantic male lead character.

That being said, he could be gently testing out your acceptance of liking for this type relationship...it is not always easy to know another, and can be risky to reveal your tastes to some people before knowing they are not going to make trouble for you...many here are very cautious about who knows about their kink because of family or career issues. His asking you about wanting to rule him could also be a method to see if you are into this lifestyle, if you are likely to be a bratty sub always fighting his dominance, trying to guage who you are as a person better....it is the oldest trick in the book to find out what you want about someone by presenting it in a way which gives the impression you think it is cool when the opposite might be true...puts a person at ease, off the scent, so they reveal who they are.

As to how he is going about it, if he is a Dominant seeking you as a sub he needs to talk to you and get your consent before going into it full force. As I said, I have had vanilla men act in the same way, and strangely they do not need consent if you continue to go along with it, while a Dominant must have consent...for me, given the circumstances I don't think consent is a big issue at this point, but could be in the future if he continues taking steps without asking. My advice would be to get some courage (you will need that if you want to be his sub anyway) and ask him straight out if this is what he is referring to when he mentions kink and then communicate from that point.

Catalina

I'm with Catalina and DVS and others who have said basically the same.
Not that I would really recognize abusive behaviour, but what he's doing -if he really is a Dom in the BDSM sense- seems more like testing the waters.
As to consent being present: If she does not object, lets him continue doing his little pain things, I'd say there is consent. And -again if he is Dom- I can way understand that he wants to ease her into the whole thing. She sounds inexperienced and not very comfortable about discussing sex, and kinky sexual practices. Asking on the second date (or inside of a few weeks of dating) if she minds him biting her or pulling her hair, she'd say 'no' without knowing if that's the truth.

That being said, Snowpetal, you have to talk to him about it. If you are too uncomfortable discussing sex (which I WAY understand, and don't see it as a sign of an abusive relationship, as some here did) try writing him a letter/e-mail. When I started talking about sex with my guy (I was 17 when we got together), I felt really embarrassed. We mainly discussed sex either in e-mails or in the car on the way back from parties, so we couldn't see each other. It took us a long time to feel comfortable discussing it face to face, and often it still works best in e-mails. It's also difficult discussing what you like or what is happening without knowing what you like and what is happening. But discussion and trial and error is the best way to find out both.

snowpetal said:

I guess I dont want to ask him for a couple of reasons

* I am embarrassed

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I understand, and do not think less of you for it. Many people have a difficult time talking about intimate issues. However, this is still a serious problem that you must address.

snowpetal said:

* I like him, he really is a great guy, and he works SOOOOO hard, and is so responsible, and smart, and I have a great deal of respect for him

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One way to demonstrate your respect for him is to trust him with your feelings.

If he is responsible, he will understand your embarrassment and help you work through it.

If he is smart, he will realize that honest communication is very important in a relationship.

If he is worthy of your respect, then he will respect you (and your feelings) too.

snowpetal said:

*ugh, my own words are telling me to be patient, so maybe that is the answer, I cant bring myself to ask, but if he wanted me to know he would tell me, right??

Click to expand...

He is not now, nor will he ever be, a mind reader.

By maintaining your silence, you are not being fair to him. He has a right, as your boyfriend, to know if his words or actions are creating confusion or distress in your mind.

I once had a partner who was (in the beginning of our relationship) very shy. To help her find the courage to speak up, I would sit on the floor or the bed with my legs stretched out in front of me. She sat on my lap, facing away from me. We were like two "L"s, placed one on top of the other.

I wrapped my arms around her and held her hands gently. This made her feel safe. But since she was not facing me directly, it was easier for her to say things that she found embarrassing.

Except for whispering brief words of encouragement to her, this was not a time for me to speak. This was her time, and to be honest with you - I loved it. I was honored that she would trust me enough to reveal her feelings, and moved by the fact that she would do something so difficult for the sake of our relationship.

Plus, while she was speaking she would absentmindedly play with my fingers, in a way that was absolutely enchanting.

I want you guys and girls to know that I appreciate the advice, imensely!

I want to say though, that I just dont think that he is abusive

*no temper, very mild mannered (and I have seen him in 2 confrontational
situations: one with his guy friend who was talking behind his back, and one with 2 strangers that came up to us at a bar)

* he is really interested in me and tells me all the time that it is really really hard for him to control himself , but that he always will, he tells me that he respects me and he has also said, and I will try to quote verbatum :" What point is there in taking something that the person does not want to give??"

He also has told me "I wait for your signal" about a million times

(now I thought both these statements were just about sex, but maybe its more, but maybe its not, I dont know him well enough yet)


and often I stop the making out...not because I am upset that he pulled my hair...or bit me, but because I dont want to have sex right now or be too sexual, bdsm or not!!!

When I stop he stops and he always tells me he does not want to do anything I dont, He doesnt want to take anything I dont want to give, and
he always tells me that he doesnt want to scare me.

I am not ready to have sex with him, of any kind, but I enjoy his company, and I just hope that I can make him happy in bed, maybe, one of these days down the road.

OH, and one more thing, the first time he did anything that was unusual (only compared to other guys I have dated) is that on our first couple of dates he would try to kiss me, but I would pull my face away, then look up at him and smile....so yes, I was teasing him, I would not give him a kiss then but I would give him a smile, instead. So he would then "bite air" snap his jaw at me quickly, like he was going to bite me, but just missed or something, and HE still does this,(and alot more) even though he gets to kiss me now. He obviously likes to bite..but I thought maybe I started it, or led him, as this was what I wanted by refusing his kisses in a teasing way..now maybe he thinks I AM KINKY, but I am not kinky (that I know of) I am just coy.

Not to be rude, but if you spent as much time discussing the issue with the gentleman, as you have fretting over trying to figure him out, you might have answers to your questions by now.

If you aren't comfortable talking to him, find a different way to communicate- email/instant messenger/whatever.

If you are unwilling to communicate, the odds are the relationship will sputter and fizzle, and neither of you will end up where you may hope to. If he is everything you say he is, it is worth some discomfort to discuss the things you have noticed, and know exactly what you both want, need, and expect from a relationship. If nothing else, you will walk away a bit better at communication, and less confused by his behaviour.

... just a bit of advice from someone who tends to approach relationships with great timidity, and lost her Dearest Love because of it...

Ok, how in the world should I ask him???

The only way I was able to ask him if he was kinky in the first place was because HE asked me first.

Us: talking about my kinky friend, (thats how it started)

Him: So, are you kinky?
Me: NOOOooooo! Im not kinky!! (and he knows I dont sleep around like her!!)

Me: Are you kinky?
Him: No, I am not kinky, I am rough.

I got embarrassed, just at that and I walked away, pretending that I wanted to go talk to my friend, it was very awkward for me.!!

and when I think about it, I think he catagorizes kinky as threesums and orgies and multiple partners (because he calls my friend kinky) and I know he doesnt like mulitiple partners because he told me he is a one woman guy, and actually asked me to date him exclusively.

But he always says everyone have the right to do what ever they want in bed, he certainly doesnt judge my friend, and her openness

and my last boyfriend, did nothing but judge her and try to tell me I shouldnt hang out with her.

So maybe I can ask my kinky friend to find out for me..

I would love to sit on his lap...like two LL's lined up, like someone mentioned, but If I was sitting on his lap like that, I think I would already know if he was kinkey or whatever.

I have never been to his house, I do not allow him to come to mine. and we have had maybe 13 dates, but I just am cautious. I trust him I really do, I trust him to stop, but I am all about propriety, and I dont want to mess up our relationhship with having sex too soon, or getting close to soon.

I dont know I guess I do need to ask him. How?

Asking your friend to find out about him does not seem like a good idea.

Personally, I'd send him an e-mail. I'd be honest, saying that I'm too embarrassed to ask him personally. Maybe you can start asking what he means with 'rough sex'. Then see what his answer is and go from there. Try to understand him without really thinking about how you feel about it. Once you feel like you know what he's about, you can start reading up on whatever it is he likes, think about if you could like it, too.

The way I understand the word 'kinky' (and I'm a foreigner, so I might be off) is that it includes anythings that is different than the typical in-out game, and maybe some oral. So I'd put multiple partners, swinging and BDSM under that word. Personally I believe everyone is kinky in one way or another, whether they think it's kinky or not. Maybe even the enjoyment of sex could be seen as kinky, wanting to try different positions, that kind of stuff. Seen that way it's nothing bad or anything to be kinky.

I also want to compliment you on waiting with taking the relationship to sex until you feel you are ready for it. I don't think there are many who know themselves well enough to know when it's not the right time for them yet, but act on their hormones only.

Teenagers ask their freinds to find out what their boyfriend is thinking.

Adults, who want fulfilling meaningful relationships, find a way to talk through the uncomfortable bits.

If you can't bring yourself to discuss it in person, let him know you've had some things on your mind and will be sending him an email.

Then lay everything out that you laid out here- I've noticed XYZ behaviours/comments/etc which confuse me/have me curious, and I need to know what such and such comment/behaviour means.

Don't hide behind words like "kinky"- what one person considers kinky, another may consider quite mainstream. (example- you consider people who have multiple partners to be kinky; I don't.) If you don't have the vocabulary to discuss things, read the Library pinned at the top of the board, or go through some BDSM checklists and develop the vocabulary.

Sitting on his lap during a conversation such as this might give you a clue to his state of arousal, but I seriously doubt it would tell you if the man was "kinky" or not.

The only way to get the answers you are looking for, is to suck up and have what may be a very uncomfortable discussion- either in person or through email/instant messanger.

JMohegan said:

By maintaining your silence, you are not being fair to him. He has a right, as your boyfriend, to know if his words or actions are creating confusion or distress in your mind.

I once had a partner who was (in the beginning of our relationship) very shy. To help her find the courage to speak up, I would sit on the floor or the bed with my legs stretched out in front of me. She sat on my lap, facing away from me. We were like two "L"s, placed one on top of the other.

I wrapped my arms around her and held her hands gently. This made her feel safe. But since she was not facing me directly, it was easier for her to say things that she found embarrassing.

Except for whispering brief words of encouragement to her, this was not a time for me to speak. This was her time, and to be honest with you - I loved it. I was honored that she would trust me enough to reveal her feelings, and moved by the fact that she would do something so difficult for the sake of our relationship.

Plus, while she was speaking she would absentmindedly play with my fingers, in a way that was absolutely enchanting.

Click to expand...

Beautiful

*curious* said:

Teenagers ask their freinds to find out what their boyfriend is thinking.

Adults, who want fulfilling meaningful relationships, find a way to talk through the uncomfortable bits...

...Don't hide behind words like "kinky"- what one person considers kinky, another may consider quite mainstream. (example- you consider people who have multiple partners to be kinky; I don't.) If you don't have the vocabulary to discuss things, read the Library pinned at the top of the board, or go through some BDSM checklists and develop the vocabulary.

Click to expand...

To the Poster:
Seriously, how old are you? And who are you?

I think I stated waaaaay up there that reading the library would be a good place to start. But thanks curious for restating it.

Personally, unlike everyone else, I see lots of red flags with your posts.

But good luck. You've had lots of advice and some of it might be on target considering that it's all 3rd person analysis, and no one knows a thing about this guy aside from what you've posted here.

shy slave said:

Beautiful

Click to expand...

Yes, she was.

Nice to see you again, shy slave.

Sounds like the fella is trying to wow the girl. I think he's been perusing some BDSM sites and doesn't know which end is up yet. At times he's behaving like an overly aggressive young "Dom" (I use the term lightly) yet talks about finding a Dominatrix... and the line..." Do you want to rule me" is thrown in for special effect.
While his sexual moves may prove arousing and exciting, I think he's too much of a handful even for himself.
I also think he's getting off on your reactions more than anything, on second thought he's probably getting off on himself too...grinz

Here is the other Thread I would bet is 'our' Jen also

Sheesh, thank the universe I have something in my life to keep me occupied and happy.

Catalina