I need help. Seriously

ok here it goes. My wife and I have been married for 10 years now. We recently had some problems and she moved out to stay with her friend. We are currently trying to work out our problems and in the course of doing so she shared with me a fantasy.

I am tied down and blindfolded. Ice is dripped on my bare breast, then run all over. First one nipple then the other, then lower.
Then nipple clamps are put on not to the point of extreme pain but like the pressure when you play with them while the clamps are on you lick each one and brush your fingers over them while running your finger over that spot until I’m begging you to stop and keep going at the same time as well as squirming and struggling. At this point you gag me with a ball gag and keep going then when my nipples turn purple you take the clamps off and play with them some more because clamps make nipples ultra sensitive when you take them off maybe a few light slaps to the breasts. Then I would want to suck on you and have you on top to finish that off while still tied up.

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I like what she described, I'm just not sure how to go about doing it. I have always tried to be more of a gentle lover. I want to explore this part of her. I want to embrace a change in our relationship. She actually told me to look on the internet and learn how to be a Dominant.

I am really looking for advice on how to proceed. How to expand on her fantasies and maybe surprise her.
Any help, advice, ideas, etc, would be appreciated.

Lord_Stormy said:

ok here it goes. My wife and I have been married for 10 years now. We recently had some problems and she moved out to stay with her friend. We are currently trying to work out our problems and in the course of doing so she shared with me a fantasy.


I like what she described, I'm just not sure how to go about doing it. I have always tried to be more of a gentle lover. I want to explore this part of her. I want to embrace a change in our relationship. She actually told me to look on the internet and learn how to be a Dominate.

I am really looking for advice on how to proceed. How to expand on her fantasies and maybe surprise her.
Any help, advice, ideas, etc, would be appreciated.

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You are asking a tall order. It is very hard to help a person without knowing their frame of reference.

It is one thing to make your wife's fantasies come true. It is another to learn to be an effective dominant.

How do you feel about being asked to dominate her?

Eb

I never considered before now. Didn't think she was really into it.
I know there some things I have seen in BDSM that turn me off. I have no desire to pee on her or make her lick the floor; and she has expressed the same feelings. I want to please her. I am open to the idea of being a Dominate. I'm just not sure how to go about it. I mean how dominate is a Dominate?

Does that help?

Ebonyfire said:

How do you feel about being asked to dominate her?

Eb

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Damn darlin', that was very polite. WD would have flamed away. Dear poster, Dominants dominate.

As for your query, i admire your self-control for not jumping into the deep end without a clue. Step one passed. Next, sit down and talk with your spouse. Communication is step two. Surf the net together if you can, point fingers at different things together and giggle, or quietly fidget when you both find something hot and are both too nervous to admit it. When you sigh with relief at each other for finding out both of you have similar kink interests discuss it. i'll forego step three until you get back.

AngelicAssassin said:

Damn darlin', that was very polite. WD would have flamed away. Dear poster, Dominants dominate.

As for your query, i admire your self-control for not jumping into the deep end without a clue. Step one passed. Next, sit down and talk with your spouse. Communication is step two. Surf the net together if you can, point fingers at different things together and giggle, or quietly fidget when you both find something hot and are both too nervous to admit it. When you sigh with relief at each other for finding out both of you have similar kink interests discuss it. i'll forego step three until you get back.

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Well put AA.

Eb [the kinder, gentler Domme]

This was the first thing I read when I was presented with this concept 2 months ago. It really helped me understand what all this was and how to deal with it at the time. Go through this with her. We did and it still helps me to this day.

Dom/Novice Advice
There are as many ways to do D/S as there are people, so you really need to know what your partner wants, doesn't want, is comfortable with, is afraid of, and so forth. A lot of submissives will have great trouble telling you what they want. For some of them, this is because they don't really KNOW what they want. Or, perhaps, they know how they want to feel, but they aren't sure what it is that will make them feel that way. Other submissives do have at least some idea of what they want, but they're too embarassed to be able to tell you directly. And some submissives know what they want but feel as if it spoils things if they have to ask for it, they want the impetus for the scene to come from you, and if they ask for something, then it's as if they're controlling the scene, when what they want is for you to control it. And of course, more than one of these can occur at once. A person can know only what it is they want to feel AND be too embarassed to talk about it AND feel as if it gives them too much control over things if they tell you.
There are a couple of ways around these problems, but they all take a bit of work on the Dom's part. For the sub who isn't all that sure what they want, you get them to describe how they wish to feel. You ask them what things in thier past have gotten them to feel this way, even if it's only a small and mild version of what they really want. And of course you also use your knowledge of your partner to guess at what you suspect would make them feel what they want. You get them to tell you what they fantasize about (bearing in mind that fantasies are often more intense than anything a person would like to do in real life).
And you experiment. A scene doesn't have to last for hours. In the early stages, when you're just figuring out what works for both of you, you can try something for five minutes. (But just because the scene is short doesn't mean that you take it less seriously. You have to make these mini-scenes as real as your usual ones, or they won't work as a testing ground. Put your all into them, just keep 'em short. Say you suspect that your submissive would enjoy wearing a collar, then put one on her/him, do a few things with it, then take it off and ask them how they felt about it. If you both liked it, you can always do it again for longer. But these mini-scenes let you try out things in the knowledge for BOTH of you that if you hate it, it only lasts for a short time, this takes some of the pressure off. (When an ex-lover and I seemed to be moving in the direction of no-safeword scenes, I bought an egg timer. The idea was that he would have no safeword for the length of time it tooks the sands to run down. Three minutes is not very long, objectively speaking. But it can be a very long time to someone who's never played without a safeword before and who realizes that this time there's no way out. I wasn't going to do a full-length no-safeword scene until after I'd seen how she handled the egg-timer version.)
For the sub who has at least some knowledge of what they want but who is too embarassed to tell you what it is, there are a couple of routes to go. You can ask them to write it down and give it to you, since a lot of people can write things that they cannot say. You can also try dominating it out of them, try winding your hand in hir hair, pulling thier head into a position that lets you stare into thier eyes, and demanding that they tell you what you want to know right now. Or you can threaten some sort of physical punishment unless they divulges the information (only with thier permission, of course). The punishment isn't really intended to be a motivator, it's intended to be a way for the sub to save face with themself. They can tell themselves that it's not greedy or forward or too bold or whatever to tell you what you want to know because you're making them tell you. Sometimes just letting them tell you in the dark, when you're snuggled up with your arms around them will be enough.
The sub who doesn't want to tell you anything because they think that means that they are controlling the scene or that they are forcing you into something you don't really want tends to be a somewhat harder case, but there are a few things you can try. You can tell them that you aren't promising to do any of the things that they ask for, you're just asking because as the Dom, you have the right to ask any damn thing you please and to get an answer. "Since you are my property, the contents of your mind are also my property, and you will give them to me when I ask" is something I tell my submissive. You can tell them that you want the information for your own selfish pleasure, "Making you be submissive in a way that's good for you is likely to be more fun for me than making you be submissive in a way that's bad for you, because the second way makes me work harder for less return. So give me what I need to know to get what I want."
Oh, yes, and a type I forgot to mention. Some submissives think that no one really wants to dominate them, that you're just humoring them, and leaving you to your own devices is sort of a test. It's as if they're saying, "If you really want this, you'll figure it out on your own." My own submissive had a touch of this, so I just jumped in and started ordering her around, and once she was assured that I wanted it, too, her fantasies started pouring out.
Once you start getting information out of the person, there are a bunch of things you need to know.

1. You know they are interested in D/S, but what kind?
• Do they want to do D/S for a short time in bed and be equal out of scene, or are they looking for a full-time D/S relationship?
• Do they want this to be you and him/her, or do they want the two of you to assume some sort of fantasy roles, like teacher/student or parent/child or jailer/prisoner?
• Do they want to be treated as a valuable submissive, or do they crave humiliation?
• Do they go for lots of symbols, like kneeling at your feet, wearing a collar, and so forth?
• Are there things that they like to be made to say? Some subs like being made to say things like "I am yours, Master/Mistress" or "Please use me for your pleasure, Sir/Mame," whereas others find this sort of thing too flowery and prefer sharper exchanges and still others get nonverbal when in scene and find speech annoying. (I'm reminded of a woman who told me that she could never bring herself to call a man "Master," because the word always made her think of Igor saying "Yesss, Massster," and she would start laughing. It wasn't that she was disrespectful, she had no trouble with "Sir" or "My Lord," but "Master" made her crack up.)
• What sorts of things would they like you to say? Some submissives like being called names by their dominants, some like hearing that they are your sub/slave or that they are owned, others like being told about the various unspeakable things that are about to happen to them, others like hearing an explicit list of rules and expectations, others like hearing that their dominant enjoys what she/he is doing. There's a really long list of different things that turn different people on, and I can't cover it all. (For example, my submissive loves hearing the words "You're my slave." Very simple sentence, but it does something to her. She also loves hearing, when I hurt her, "I need this, and I want you to bear it as a gift to me." To show you how different even very similar people can be, I would hate being told "You're my slave" but I would love being told "I need this, and I want you to bear it as a gift to me." (To make it even more complicated, I have no trouble with "You're mine;" it's the word "slave" that I can't stomach.) Getting a feel for what sort of thing underlies your submissive's submissive desires will help you get a feel for what sorts of things they like to hear.)
• The above point leads in to what is the subtlest sort of distinction to make but the one that will be the most useful. Once you've gotten the answers to the above sorts of questions, you might be able to abstract some sort of general theme that guides your submissive's desires and fantasy life. Some submissives have the "I'm worthless, and I deserve to be punished" mindset, some have a "I don't want to have to take any responsibility, so I want you to control everything" mindset, some have a "I want to be so desirable that you have to take complete control of me" mindset or the "I want us to blend into one person" mindset or the "I want to prove I love you by doing difficult things" mindset or any number of others. Once you've talked and played for a while, you might get an intuitive feel for this. It may be something that your submissive can tell you, but it may not be, they may not have thought about it or analyzed it to this extent. But if you can figure out what sort of mindset underlies your partner's submission, it makes doing new things and guiding your future play a lot easier. You'll know what new things are likely to work and what won't because you'll understand the underlying motivations.
2. What sorts of things do they like besides D/S?
• Is bondage okay? If so, how much and what kind?
• Is pain okay? If so, how much and what kind?
Okay. So now you know what your submissive wants. You also have to figure out what YOU want. It's easy, when you're first starting out and trying to figure out how to be a Dom, to imagine some stereotypical stern, sneering dominant and try to emulate that image. But not all of us are cut out to fit that mold, and luckily for us, not all submissives like dominants who fit that mold. You need to find your personal style. The best style for you is not the one that's the closest to the stereotype, it's the one that makes your eyes light up and your energy rise and makes you feel that THIS is the alivest you've felt in a long time. Personally, I'm a pretty gentle dominant as far as manner goes, but manner can be deceiving. One of the things I like to do is to force my submissive to do things that she wants to do but is too frightened to do, the "You are so much mine that I can make you do something that terrifies you" feeling is quite a rush for me, but I know I can let myself give in to that feeling because I'm making her do something that she secretly wants. I also like mental stripping -- making my sub/slave be mentally and emotionally naked with me, she must tell me anything I want to know about her. Oh, and making her scream is fun, too.
Of course, your style will be influenced by your submissive's style. The sort of submissive who wants to be forced into submission will elicit a different response from you than the sort of submissive who wants to lay thier submission at your feet like a present. And of course, some submissives can do one thing at one time and the other thing at another time. Just to keep you on your toes.
Don't worry if it feels sort of strange in the beginning. When I first started dominating my sub/slave, I would look at my face in the mirror and chuckle and say, "This is NOT the face of the sort of person who owns a sub/slave." But that "WHO? Me?" feeling wore off after a while. That "I'm not cut out for this. I don't know what I'm doing" feeling wore off after a while. If it's TRULY not for you, don't force yourself. But do give yourself a little while to try it on and get used to it before you decide whether or not it's for you. I felt silly and nervous and out of place at first. But after a while, I came to feel that there were few things I'd ever done that were more satisfying.

Lord_Stormy said:

I never considered before now. Didn't think she was really into it.

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Like AA says communication is the key. I despair when I see couples surf the next separately. It is almost like they do not want their spouses to know what they find arousing.

Surf together, learn together. Talk out the differences and similarities between you.

The activities you described are not extreme, but they do require a bit of knowledge to succeed.

Eb

If I were you I'd have her fill out a check list . You should fill one out, too. That way you have an idea of what she's interested in, and what you're interested in. That'll give you a good place to start. Then both of you take your check lists and have a conversation about what's on the list.

You also need to discuss a safe word.

Then plan out a 'scene'. Don't check with her how she'd like what you're planning, just do it. Rest assured that if you do something she doesn't like she'll use her safeword.

A much better response than I expected. Thanks fro the advice, I really like the checklist and the idea of surfing together.

Anymore words of wisdom?



Thanks all

Talk to your wife. Keep an open mind. Keep judgement out of your thoughts. Be prepared to hear things you never thought you would ever hear from her. Then open up to her too with your fantasies as well. Tell her if these things excite you too. If they don't, do NOT pretend that they do. The worst thing that you could ever do is to be someone you are not.

However, it sounds to me like you are interested in trying this for yourself as well as your wife and that is the key to success. At least it has been for my Master and I. Good luck to you both.

Lord_Stormy said:

Anymore words of wisdom?

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Yep. Have fun!

Eb

Lord_Stormy said:

A much better response than I expected. Thanks fro the advice, I really like the checklist and the idea of surfing together.
Anymore words of wisdom?
Thanks all

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As EB said have fun but in addition, be real. If you’re nervous, show it. If you have questions of your wife, ask them. If at any point you're unsure what to do, stop and regroup.

Don’t think for one minute that you need to be anything other than yourself.

By the way, You're off to a better start than most men. You already have the domly screen name.

Another site that's pretty good to check out is www.takeninhand.com . It's one of those sites that you either love or hate, but I think it might help you out.

i might add that it's far from clear that 'domination' is what she's after, or that you'd make her happier as 'dominant.'

she's given a recipe for a fantasy. seems straightforward to carry out. there is bondage and some pain infliction and that turns her on--or so she imagines. however, her giving you the recipe puts her in charge, if that matters.

i'd give some thought to kink, SM, and domination before hopping to a "bdsm" checklist. the checklists have the same problem: it might say, 'peeing on', but that doesn't indicate whether it's simply fetish or not. and, as above, "pee on me" can be a dom's line, since it's commanding.

rather than the mechanics, i'd try to see how her mind works and what about the scenes turn her on. 'helplessness' perhaps? but that's not exactly the same as saying "she wants to be a sub" as opposed, for example to 'she wants to be the 'bottom' in a scene.'

First, I would like to thank everyone for their input so far.

Long story short, she stated that she had submissive personality and wanted me to look in to being a Dominate.

Aside from some movies and bad anime choices, I have no experience in this realm so I did some quick searches and came across some stuff that totally turned me off.

I didn’t want to give up that quick so I actually asked for the fantasy as an example. To my relief, there weren’t any of the things I was worried about. So this is my third, and by far the most successful, attempt.

One thing you never really mentioned is the reason why you are seperated. It could be an important key. I would understand if you didn't want to go into it. I am going to assume for the sake of arguement that she has had these feelings for quite a long time, maybe even before she met you, and that she has reached a "mid-life" crisis, realizing that her true desires have never been satisfied and this is the main reason she is not happy. How do you actually feel about turning dominant? It appears this is what she has been craving and will only be satisfied if this turns into a permanent thing. This can only work out long term if you are willing to make it a regular thing and not a once in a while thing. I believe you can learn to be dominant if you are willing to learn and it doesn't mean you have to do "sicko" things. Communication and research is the key but I would start out by giving her the fantasy she described and taking it from there.

Our separation has more to do with the way we treated each other, trust, and some other issues. We have always had a fulfilling sex life, when we got along well enough to have sex. That is what we are working out. We have had a few dates and several long talks which consisted of honest question and answer sessions in an attempt to clear some of our unresolved issues. The subject came up when I asked if she had been unsatisfied with our sex life. Basically she said “yes, but..” and told me some of her interests.

Before anyone jumps on the trust issue, it is mostly me that has trouble trusting her. To make a long story short, she has hurt me s few times, and I am somewhat unforgiving. I take a long time to trust someone to begin with. But this is not a subject for this board.

Lord_Stormy said:

being a Dominate.

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Hey hon - the word you are looking for is Dominant - "dominate" is the verb.

Etoile said:

Hey hon - the word you are looking for is Dominant - "dominate" is the verb.

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Language Nazi

I'm soooo glad I'm not the only that was bugging.

thanks for the correction

I hate doing the "me, too" responses But everyone has given very good advice. I would add that it might be a good idea to join a local munch or education group in your area. You do a google search with, example, bdsm charlotte. This will give you a listing of what is in your area. Even if you don't join them real time, join in on their email list and find a mentor willing to give you tips and tricks.

Not all relationships involve peeing on your partner or making them lick the floor. (My Master would have never gotten my interest if this was something he was into, since watersports and humiliation are on my hardcore, oh-hell-no list lol) So, as Gracie suggested, talk with your wife and both of you look at the check lists together and discuss each one seriously and honestly with each other. Negotiation is important, or at least the communication of commonality of wants and needs.