Question..

Does the fact that my boyfriend lost his erection during sex mean that he is gay, or just that I am repulsive? He's only 24, and quite healthy. I haven't stopped crying since, but is there a reasonable explanation?

We've been together for more than a year, and had a pretty good sex life until recently, when he "went on strike" because I never initiated. So, sex has been sporatic, and now this =(

Thanks for the advice

No, you are not repulsive.

No, your boyfriend is not gay. He is manipulative. He is withholding sex in order to get you to initiate it. Which seems to defeat the purpose, doesn't it?

Or maybe he's been having erection problems and is too embarrassed to tell you - that's why he 'went on strike', so you wouldn't notice. But now you did and you're blaming yourself for it, imagining that it's your fault, imaging that you're repulsive.

Or maybe the erection problem was a one time thing, and it won't happen again. He's still manipulative, though.

Whatever the story is, you need to talk to him about it and find out what is going on his head.

And stop blaming yourself!

Callisto1112 said:

Does the fact that my boyfriend lost his erection during sex mean that he is gay, or just that I am repulsive? He's only 24, and quite healthy. I haven't stopped crying since, but is there a reasonable explanation?

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Are you even serious about the "gay" comment!? He's gay if he's attracted to men, and only men. Do you honestly think that's the case? Furthermore, we don't know what you look like, so we're not qualified to tell you whether or not you're repulsive. Obviously your BF believes that you have some redeeming qualities, since he's been with you for over a year.

We've been together for more than a year, and had a pretty good sex life until recently, when he "went on strike" because I never initiated. So, sex has been sporatic, and now this

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I'm guessing that this is the first time you've ever been with someone who's experienced an erectile issue. It's not something that's worth crying about, and if he saw you crying, that certainly won't help things any. Besides, if you're with him when he's older, erectile issues will become more and more of an issue. Are you going to get upset every time this happens?

While his loss of erection might not a reflection on you personally, it might be indicative of the state of your relationship. Using sex as a weapon (i.e. going on strike) isn't something that couples in healthy relationships do. I think it would be a good idea for the two of you to have a talk about what you'd like to see from each other sexually (in terms of who initiates and things like that).

If he's worried about it, he can get it checked out by his doc. Worrying/Dwelling on it, however, means that it's more likely to keep happening, the brain being the biggest sex organ and all that.

Thank you Lady Jeanne =)

You made me feel much better with your friendly non-judgemental response. It's weird, we have such a great, cuddly, relationship, I'm not sure what the problem is lately =/ I know sex isn't the most important part of a relationship, but when it's not going well, it sure seems like it.


Thanks Again Lady Jeanne

Callisto1112 said:

Does the fact that my boyfriend lost his erection during sex mean that he is gay, or just that I am repulsive? He's only 24, and quite healthy. I haven't stopped crying since, but is there a reasonable explanation?

We've been together for more than a year, and had a pretty good sex life until recently, when he "went on strike" because I never initiated. So, sex has been sporatic, and now this =(

Thanks for the advice

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Sounds more like he's bored, frustrated, or both. If he likes an agressive, adventurous woman, then give him one.


Or, he's gay.

now wait a minute...it could be both.

you ugly fag hag.

Does the fact that my boyfriend lost his erection during sex mean that he is gay

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You are an idiot, please do NOT procreate, thanks.....

Geez...can we hold off on the harsh?

Don't stress about it...a couple of people have posted some valid comments about communication. If he's using it as a weapon then he's not worth it but if not, there may be some other issues here. I agree with the non-trolls in that you need to have a talk with him and stop beating up on yourself.

Hang in there.

I stand by what i said, she`s an idiot, i think she`d know if he`s gay

It's not always that easy to distinguish. Not all gay people fit the stereotype and I know gay people who when they were discovering their sexuality swithched from straight to gay to bi and back again. There are grey areas in everything so it's not realistic to be so quick in judging and condemning others.

Callisto1112 said:

Thank you Lady Jeanne =)

You made me feel much better with your friendly non-judgemental response. It's weird, we have such a great, cuddly, relationship, I'm not sure what the problem is lately =/ I know sex isn't the most important part of a relationship, but when it's not going well, it sure seems like it.


Thanks Again Lady Jeanne

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I appreciate the thank you, and I'm glad you feel better.

I'll disagree and say my response was very judgmental, though. You're boyfriend is manipulating you - please don't ignore that part of my post. Problems with sex in a relationship are very important because it's usually a sign of something else being wrong that's causing the sex problems.

You really do need to talk about this with him. I don't mean talk as in, "You lost your erection the other night, what's wrong with you?" I mean talk, as in, "I feel uncomfortable that you're withholding sex until I start initiating it more often. I need to feel secure with you in order to reach out for sex, but now I'm feeling less secure. How do you feel?"

FoxxyGypsy said:

It's not always that easy to distinguish. Not all gay people fit the stereotype and I know gay people who when they were discovering their sexuality swithched from straight to gay to bi and back again. There are grey areas in everything so it's not realistic to be so quick in judging and condemning others.

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Well, to question someone's sexual orientation because they lost an erection one time out of the hundreds they'd had sex together is way off the mark. If I wasn't in the mood one night, or didn't come one night, that doesn't make me a lesbian.

For the record, I was kidding about the him being gay/me being repulsive thing. I thought it made the post slightly more light hearted, my mistake obviously.

Seems to me you have 2 separate problems on your hands;

1. Witholding sex based upon some criteria. This is a bad pattern to get into. I think you 2 need to sit down and go over some ground rules for the relationship. Obviously he is asking for something (you to initiate sex part of the time) but is going about it wrong (witholding sex)

2. Erection problem. If it occured only that 1 time - don't sweat it. It can happen to anyone. Obvious culprits for a 1 time problem are; alcohol use/drug use prior sex, extreme stress in his life, masturbation prior to engaging in sex with you, steroid use (bodybuilder) etc

If a pattern occurs in #2, he needs to get a blood test. Specifically, the blood test will look at his testosterone levels (there are multiple types of testosterone the blood panel will test for).

I would encourage you to ONLY bring up #2 once #1 is talked through. #2 is an extremely hot button topic with guys. Tread carefully on that one....

peace,
Cherokee

Callisto1112 said:

Does the fact that my boyfriend lost his erection during sex mean that he is gay, or just that I am repulsive? He's only 24, and quite healthy. I haven't stopped crying since, but is there a reasonable explanation?

We've been together for more than a year, and had a pretty good sex life until recently, when he "went on strike" because I never initiated. So, sex has been sporatic, and now this =(

Thanks for the advice

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"going on strike" *is* manipulative. But I'll tell you from experience that I've been with guys who I know thought I was the sexiest thing alive, and once or twice lost erections during sex. Many things could be happening there. Sometimes something happens that's a lil bit painful for the dick, like the accidental bending in half of said sexual organ. Sometimes they're just honestly too tired to go on. Sometimes they're just not in the mood.

I think it's hard for girls to understand that guys sometimes just aren't in the mood for sex. It's like this standing knowledge that a guy will get hard by the wind blowing, let alone a mouth blowing. But everyone has those days or moments that they just don't feel like fucking. I know I don't feel like having sex all the time, and many times I've "dried up" or just had to come out and say I'm not in the mood. I find guys are very understanding about my problem when I'm not in the mood, and I think it's only right that we girls understand that they aren't ready for our sexual pleasure 24/7.

Now, for the manipulative part, I think LadyJ's comments are right on. But keep in mind that the manipulation could be coming from you, too, no offense. My advice to you, and to every person out there, is to say what you want, exactly what you want, what you're thinking, exactly what you're thinking. Be honest with him, be honest with yourself, or else you might end up being passive aggressive and not even know it. You might start resenting him (Actually it sounds like you already do, just a tad) and he'll be clueless as to why unless you spell it out for him.

LadyJeanne said:

Well, to question someone's sexual orientation because they lost an erection one time out of the hundreds they'd had sex together is way off the mark. If I wasn't in the mood one night, or didn't come one night, that doesn't make me a lesbian.

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I feel that it's a rather large jump to make too, but my rant was aimed at the other poster who called Callisto an idiot for mentioning it.
I just thought it was a real harsh reaction to her post.

FoxxyGypsy said:

I feel that it's a rather large jump to make too, but my rant was aimed at the other poster who called Callisto an idiot for mentioning it.
I just thought it was a real harsh reaction to her post.

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LOL - if Callisto really believed her guy might be gay because of the floppy dick experience, then that is pretty idiotic...

It is not the end of the world, but if you continue to go on about it so badly it may feel like it is to him. Just show him that you are willing to work thru the 'problem' with him & all will work out in the end. Your love for each other will guide you thru what you need to be for each other, not what you need to do for each other.


If not, perhaps you should be more concerned with your relationship than your sex lives.

Just my opinion.

I'm obviously an idiot for making a stupid joke to make light of an awkward situation for me. We're pretty young, and this is the first serious relationship for either of us, so I wasn't sure what the norm was. Feel free to keep calling me names though if it makes you feel smarter or more superior in any way.

Well....

I expected better from folks on this forum.

Anyway, my two cents.

I'm a guy who has had that problem for the same reason your guy is citing.

Had to do with my feeling that in some way I was repulsive/unattractive/undesirable because of the fact that she never initiated sex.

But he is wrong to have gone "on strike" in the way he has.

Bottom line, you two need to TALK. Try to do it in a comfortable, non-sexual situation so there is no pressure or expectation from either of you for anything from the other except honesty and sincerity.

StrokeofGenius said:

Had to do with my feeling that in some way I was repulsive/unattractive/undesirable because of the fact that she never initiated sex.

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But you know that's not necessarily the case, right? Some women don't initiate sex because, due to their upbringing or whatever other reason, they don't feel comfortable doing so. Talking about why someone doesn't initiate sex is a more adult approach than "going on strike" because of it.

I agree that communication is in order, and I also stand by everything I said earlier--a relationship in which sex is used as a weapon isn't a healthy relationship, even if it's "great and cuddly" outside the bedroom.

Yes, you obviously know enough to qualify my relationship as unhealthy.

Callisto1112 said:

Yes, you obviously know enough to qualify my relationship as unhealthy.

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People in healthy relationships don't manipulate each other by withholding sex. They don't manipulate each other. Period.

Actually, no need for anyone else to respond to this. I didn't know I was going to be attacked. It's ridiculous to make grand assumptions about a couple you know virtually nothing about. Some people just like to make their own situations seem/feel better by attacking others. Keep in mind we're young and just learning how to communicate about these things, and a young military guy isn't as forthcoming with his feelings as a 60 year old man, or whatever your husband is.


P.S StrokeofGenius- I think you hit the nail on the head, when I've talked to him about the initiation thing, he said that he thinks because I don't initiate that I'm just doing it to make him happy, and not because I'm really into it, as much as I've assured him thats not the case. A lot of times, I feel like as much as we both talk, we're not really getting what the other person is saying. I guess it's just practice and time. Thanks for your nice response.

Callisto1112 said:

Actually, no need for anyone else to respond to this. I didn't know I was going to be attacked. It's ridiculous to make grand assumptions about a couple you know virtually nothing about. Some people just like to make their own situations seem/feel better by attacking others. Keep in mind we're young and just learning how to communicate about these things, and a young military guy isn't as forthcoming with his feelings as a 60 year old man, or whatever your husband is.

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LMFAO! 60 years old! I don't think so. Not yet. And he may be older, but he still can still get it up. Every. Single. Fucking. Time.

Trust me--my situation is as good as it gets right now, so I don't have to put your relationship down to build mine up.

You may be young and just learning, but you'd do well to listen to the voices of experiences who are saying that withholding sex is a manipulative activity. They're not saying it to attack you. They're saying it so that you're aware of the problems that can arise when stuff like this happens. I guess people have to figure this out for themselves, though.

Your first post didn't sit well with me, and I think you know that. LadyJeanne responded to it at the same time as I was responding, and it looks like she had a similar "take" as I did on the issue; she just said things differently. I'm looking at my initial post, and I just don't see why you think I was attacking you. I have attacked people on occasion, and, trust me, it's nothing like any post that I've made here. If you think anything posted on this thread was intended to be an attack toward you or your BF, then I suggest you post this thread in the General Board (with the "Is he gay or am I ugly?" part intact) and see how people react.

You said you were "joking" about the "gay/ugly" comments. Okay, fine, but keep in mind two things:

First of all, you made Post #1 when you started this thread. You may have been joking, but because we don't know you from the next Lit Virgin, we don't know how to interpret your post. Generalizations and silly comments about men, women, gays, etc. aren't necessarily received too kindly around here, so for some people, you've already created a negative first impression, no matter what else you have to say.

Secondly, on a public message board, people draw conclusions about others based on the words they've used. We don't have the benefit of face-to-face conversation, where we can see your body language and facial expressions. Sometimes things get misinterpreted. Sonetimes you mean to be funny or sarcastic or whatever, and that doesn't work well in writing. In that case, emoticons are your friend. If you're trying to crack a joke, use a smiley. Even if other people don't see the humor in what you're saying, they'll at least know how they should interpret it.

So, no, we don't know all there is to know about you and your boyfriend, other than the information that you've given us. Here's what you gave us:

1. Your BF lost his erection.
2. You asked if he was gay or you were ugly.
3. You haven't stopped crying since.
4. You've been together for more than a year and things have gone well until recently.
5. Your BF went on strike because you never initiated sex.

I, like probably a few other people, took #2 seriously because of #3 (or was #3 also a joke?). Furthermore, my comment about healthy relationships and using sex as a weapon was based solely on what you told us. I didn't make anything up; you told us he "went on strike."

So maybe you didn't get the welcome/advice/validation you were seeking, but, honestly, you are partially to blame for that.