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What went wrong?

kitedemon

kitedemon

Really Experienced
Joined
Jul 6, 2005
Posts
199
We're all adults here. This means that we have all had one or more relationships in the past.

By definition, previous relationships must have been flawed either by us or the other person in the relationship. If everything was great they would be current relationships wouldn't they? Would you give up a good thing?

It is possible that a combination of factors was the cause of the demise of the relationship and that neither party could be explicitly blamed for the breakup.

Here's the thing now.

With the wisdom of hindsight would you care to comment on the cause of the breakup of a past relationship and share your thoughts with others here on Lit?

You could be doing us all a service by pointing out errors that we may be making or suggest characterisitics to watch for when contemplating new (possible) relationships.

I'll start with my next post.
 
A few years ago I met a wonderful woman. She was beautiful, worked out twice a day and did many things that would have made me the envy of my peers.

Unfortunately the thing that ultimately turned me off and caused the relationship to drift (my fault I am sure) was that in my opinion she was too compliant.

I understand the Master and sub subculture in which other members of this board indulge but that was not my thing. If I mentioned anything at all she did it. Oral sex? Sure. Anal? Any time. Morning and evening? Not a problem.

I know. Right now the guys are saying "what's your problem, idiot" and maybe they would be right but--and trust me on this, for a sensitive guy it goes against the grain to have his way all the time and not be able to provide services in reverse because the other partner was not interested.

In short; she wanted to do things "to me" and not "with me".

Gave me a problem. Sorry.
 
I can totally see where her being compliant a lot would cause a problem in the relationship (lifestyle D/s exception). Relationships are partnerships. I want to add to it 100% and want him to do the same.

When both people are fully present, the balance can move more easily, there is less chance of the scale being heavy on one side.
 
Ive seen some of the ladies in the bdsm thing and trust me the scales are fuckin freakin out on both sides clammering for a raise.
 
It takes two people, working hard togehter, to make a relationship work.

It only takes one to pull it apart.
 
Thanks for your replies so far

Does anyone else care to share a break up experience with us? We would like to know what went wrong so that we can avoid the same mistakes. :confused:
 
kitedemon said:
Does anyone else care to share a break up experience with us? We would like to know what went wrong so that we can avoid the same mistakes. :confused:
Click to expand...
Okay, I'll share. From my previous relationship, I have learnt a few valuable lessons:

- Don't make him ask for your permission and subsequent approval each time he wants to go out

- Don't put him down and make him feel stupid

- Don't nag him to see you more even though he stays up studying til 3am each morning just so he can see you over the weekend without feeling guilty

- Don't threaten him about kissing other guys if he doens't give you the attention you think you deserve

- Pretend to take an interest in his life and be an active part of it

- Don't tell him that if he doesn't do everything just the way you want him to, you will leave him

- Don't kick him out of your car and make him find his way back home every time you have an argument, especially if he lives over an hour away

- Don't take the relationship for granted, Every person has their limits.
 
Thanks for sharing Eating...

Sounds like you are being way too hard on yourself in your post. I hope this is not the case.

There is no training manual for Life. The whole thing is "on the job experience". Some of us can learn some lessons but some of us are doomed to repeat the same mistakes.

I can totally relate to most of your points (except for the one about kissing other guys - LOL)

Thanks again for sharing.
 
Cathleen said:
I can totally see where her being compliant a lot would cause a problem in the relationship (lifestyle D/s exception). Relationships are partnerships. I want to add to it 100% and want him to do the same.

When both people are fully present, the balance can move more easily, there is less chance of the scale being heavy on one side.
Click to expand...
I completely agree with this. Its difficult to be the person in the relationship who has most of the power and makes the majority of the decisions. In a strange way, you feel alone a lot of the time.
 
Eating_Scarlett said:
Okay, I'll share. From my previous relationship, I have learnt a few valuable lessons:

- Don't make him ask for your permission and subsequent approval each time he wants to go out

- Don't put him down and make him feel stupid

- Don't nag him to see you more even though he stays up studying til 3am each morning just so he can see you over the weekend without feeling guilty

- Don't threaten him about kissing other guys if he doens't give you the attention you think you deserve

- Pretend to take an interest in his life and be an active part of it

- Don't tell him that if he doesn't do everything just the way you want him to, you will leave him

- Don't kick him out of your car and make him find his way back home every time you have an argument, especially if he lives over an hour away

- Don't take the relationship for granted, Every person has their limits.
Click to expand...


And let's not forget:

- Don't fuck him if he gets a bad haircut.
 
kitedemon said:
A few years ago I met a wonderful woman. She was beautiful, worked out twice a day and did many things that would have made me the envy of my peers.

Unfortunately the thing that ultimately turned me off and caused the relationship to drift (my fault I am sure) was that in my opinion she was too compliant.

I understand the Master and sub subculture in which other members of this board indulge but that was not my thing. If I mentioned anything at all she did it. Oral sex? Sure. Anal? Any time. Morning and evening? Not a problem.

I know. Right now the guys are saying "what's your problem, idiot" and maybe they would be right but--and trust me on this, for a sensitive guy it goes against the grain to have his way all the time and not be able to provide services in reverse because the other partner was not interested.

In short; she wanted to do things "to me" and not "with me".

Gave me a problem. Sorry.
Click to expand...
It sounds like you're whining.

If she were willing to do those things when you asked, it wasn't 'to you' or not 'with you', but FOR you. Because she liked to. Sounds like you didn't know how to take the initiative to being in telling her you'd not like her to be this way all the time. Communication would have been a great thing.
 
Good point VSkye

VermilionSkye said:
It sounds like you're whining.

If she were willing to do those things when you asked, it wasn't 'to you' or not 'with you', but FOR you. Because she liked to. Sounds like you didn't know how to take the initiative to being in telling her you'd not like her to be this way all the time. Communication would have been a great thing.
Click to expand...
I must admit that guys as a gender have been often accused of being poor communicators.

Perhaps, in my defense, I am not really whining but perhaps ruminating on what could have been if we had both been (slightly) different people.

Thanks for your input.
 
Reasons for breakup depend on the length of the relationship. If you look back at the beginning of any short lived love affair, there was one single fear or anxiety that was smoothed over. That usually turns out to be what killed it. Its baggage that one or the other brought with them.

Longer lasting loves make it past that point and end of the relationship is caused by some problem they planted and nurtured together.
 
Profound thinking Bronzeage

bronzeage said:
Reasons for breakup depend on the length of the relationship. If you look back at the beginning of any short lived love affair, there was one single fear or anxiety that was smoothed over. That usually turns out to be what killed it. Its baggage that one or the other brought with them.

Longer lasting loves make it past that point and end of the relationship is caused by some problem they planted and nurtured together.
Click to expand...
Can we deduce from your logic that all relationships are doomed for failure? Either from old baggage or from inherent failings (perhaps humanness would be better term here) in the individuals in the relationship? :confused:
 
kitedemon said:
I must admit that guys as a gender have been often accused of being poor communicators.

Perhaps, in my defense, I am not really whining but perhaps ruminating on what could have been if we had both been (slightly) different people.

Thanks for your input.
Click to expand...
I apologize for coming across so snippy.
 
What snippy?

When people are discussing anything, each opinion is as valid as any other. Perhaps my original post led you to your first impression. If so then that is my fault.

Indeed, I may be feeling a bit nostalgic and needed a fresh point of view to make me think about myself and that particular situation.

I hope you are having a great day where ever you are. :cool:
 
kitedemon said:
When people are discussing anything, each opinion is as valid as any other. Perhaps my original post led you to your first impression. If so then that is my fault.

Indeed, I may be feeling a bit nostalgic and needed a fresh point of view to make me think about myself and that particular situation.

I hope you are having a great day where ever you are. :cool:
Click to expand...
thank you.

I hope you are as well. :rose:
 
VermilionSkye makes a good point

Is a relationship more likely to succeed if both partners are good communicators?

A famous quote seems appropriate here: "Shit happens".

Will talking it out always make it go away?

Playing the Devil's Advocate here... :devil:
 
kitedemon said:
Is a relationship more likely to succeed if both partners are good communicators?

A famous quote seems appropriate here: "Shit happens".

Will talking it out always make it go away?

Playing the Devil's Advocate here... :devil:
Click to expand...
:p

Not always. Sometimes exacerbate the situation. But one never knows until they try. Communication is always good in the fact that it will bring things out to be discussed or alleviate trouble that may be happening or be there period. And it may also help to clear up unspoken misunderstandings.
 
When you are not so good at communicating...

VermilionSkye said:
:p

Not always. Sometimes exacerbate the situation. But one never knows until they try. Communication is always good in the fact that it will bring things out to be discussed or alleviate trouble that may be happening or be there period. And it may also help to clear up unspoken misunderstandings.
Click to expand...
...you always run the risk of saying the wrong thing or even saying the right thing badly. In a medium such as a discussion board we can think about what we want to say and even preview it before we commit ourselves.

Ain't so in real life. There is always the "she said, he said" factor and words once spoken can never be retracted.

Don't we play dangerous games when we open ourselves up for discussion about personal thoughts and feelings?
 
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