How to start conversations with women (outside of clubs and bars)

Hello people of Lit.

I wanted to know if anyone out there had any good ways to start conversations with women in normal every day places, like bookstores, coffee shops, the park, ect. I would really like to get back into dating but I just don't know how to break the ice with women, and I don't go to bar and clubs very often.

i've found that the best way to do it is just like you would if you were starting a conversation with a guy. the best relationships often come from friendships anyway so why not approach it that way? it makes things less stressful for everyone... so try not to think of it as the beginning of a journey to getting laid or getting a LTR or whatever. just think of it as a casual chat with a stranger, regardless of gender.

Start with a genuine smile. At a bookstore? Ask if she can recommend a book about a particular topic (relating to the section she's in) or ask her if she's read one you're familiar with. Read her face when she responds. You'll know if you pay close attention if you should continue the conversation or thank her and walk away. Regardless, do it with a smile. And if you walk away, do it with confidence and glance back. If she's looking, smile again, turn back and continue to walk away. You'll have her attention and exude confidence. At a park? Take your dog or a nephew. It immediately gives you something to talk about plus it tells her about your personality before you even say hello. Ask her if she has kids (or a dog), and go from there. At a coffee shop, ask if she's ever tried a particular flavor or a brand that is to die for. Or recommend a scone or some type of pastry that is fantastic with the expresso she's drinking.

I agree that if you're actively 'looking', it won't be there. If you're being friendly to people with whom you have a little something in common, you'll go far when you least expect it.

And smile.

I've always felt odd walking up to strangers or having strangers walk up to me...it feels a little odd, in my opinion. A better option, I think, would be trying to find something you enjoy (a hobby, an interesting class/course, etc.) and meet women there. Once in that situation, its fairly easy to be like "oh, can you help me with this" or "what did they just say?" or "so, how long have you been interested in ______." hehe, Kindof lame ideas, but they can be enough to start things rolling. Best of luck.

bisexplicit said:

I've always felt odd walking up to strangers or having strangers walk up to me...it feels a little odd, in my opinion. A better option, I think, would be trying to find something you enjoy (a hobby, an interesting class/course, etc.) and meet women there. Once in that situation, its fairly easy to be like "oh, can you help me with this" or "what did they just say?" or "so, how long have you been interested in ______." hehe, Kindof lame ideas, but they can be enough to start things rolling. Best of luck.

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maybe you've just never been walked up to by the right kind of stranger.

Great idea for a topic. I've always wondered how to do this very thing as well.

EJFan said:

maybe you've just never been walked up to by the right kind of stranger.

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*laughs* Yeah, mostly anyone whose walked up to me has been sketchy...although, actually, my boyfriend just walked up and started a conversation - so it is possible.

Koroshinobi said:

How to start conversations with women (outside of clubs and bars).

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I would start by stopping near them on foot or in your car, and ask them if they like the club and if it has good music, if they say, "Yes" you can find somewhere to park or join the line, if they say, "No" you can ask them why they are bothering to stand there then!

I have an advantage in that I have a distinct accent, and I get asked about that as soon as any one hears it will ask about it and so I am just a luck dog with two tails.

I know you did not mean about asking outside of clubs and bars, but I was just joking about that bit.

The main thing I think is to follow some of these ideas: -

1) Smile but don't lear, check out the looks you give in a mirror, practise a smile till it looks and feels right.

2) Be confident but not too cocky, confidence is about 80% of the first impression.

3) Ask an inteligent question, (in a fresh fruit or salad area ask how they tell if something is ripe, listen to what they say and you have an in).

4) Don't expect that they will give their name and phone number the first time you meet them, but print up a few business cards on your own printer, write your home or cell phone number on the back, if it is not already on the front of the card.

5) Try and get a feel for body langauge and when people have had enough, don't become a pest.

6) If you use a local market and see someone you like the look of, you would do better meeting them 10 times over 5 weeks than 10 times in a single day. The more you see of them the more chances you have to smile and say thank you for the advice they gave, everthing went great for the meal etc.

7) Use your common sense, don't become a stalker but do be friendly and natural.

8) Become a regular at a bookstore or cafe or market, drop by everyday on the way home from work on if there are some near where you work go on your lunch.
Order something that means you need to leave your name (if you can) if you go into a place and the server says "Hi Joe, what can I get you today" assuming Joe is your name, anyone you get to speak to in there will be able to know 1) your name is Joe. 2) you are a nice enough guy that the person serving you took the time to learn your name. 3) you are likely to be local to that place for you to go in every day.

Koroshinobi said:

Hello people of Lit.

I wanted to know if anyone out there had any good ways to start conversations with women in normal every day places, like bookstores, coffee shops, the park, ect. I would really like to get back into dating but I just don't know how to break the ice with women, and I don't go to bar and clubs very often.

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I'd say it doesn't matter what you do so much as how you are when you do it.
If you're relaxed and confident it's conveyed to the other person. OTOH if
you're quakin' with fear you might get shot down, it shows. Also, nothing
succeeds like success. So get an ugly girlfriend to bang regularly. Then all
the other babes will come nosin' around lookin' for some almost automatically.

Seriously though, it's a catch 22. You're not confident until you succeed,
and you can't succeed 'cuz you're not confident. So you might do something unrelated to women to get some confidence. Like skateboard down railings or do Iron Working on tall buildings for a while. Anything so that when you walk down the street, it's no sweat. You'd be surprised to find yourself just smiling at people and talking to them without even considering any negative reaction. A relaxed smile goes a long way. If all else fails, most guys don't like to dance all that
much. If you get good at dancing and enjoy it, you can be bald and ugly and
still score.



http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/sehrgrosse/large-smiley-039.gif

This one's pretty straight forward...

No comment.

This one has worked without fail:

"Hi, I'm _____. [Interesting but not intruding observation or question]."

Don't expect a 100% success rate. It's all about a calculated risk. This is not telemarketing where sheer volume yields results.

And good luck.

Not that I am an expert on meeting new people, but I have been hit-on enough to know that the stronger you come on, the more uncomfortable a woman will feel. However, from your post, it doesn't sound like you're that type of guy anyway.

The suggestion above about simply introducing yourself is a good one, and really the most direct and tactful approach I can think of. Yes, you do risk outright rejection, but it's a classy move when done casually, with a smile, and eye contact.

Also, if you have any sense of humor at all, use it. As a person who has a lot of coffee shop experience, i would probably join in the wise-cracking if a guy, say, stood next to me in line and started snarking about what the barista was wearing, or the coffee of the day, or why they always charge $.50 extra for soy milk...you get the picture.

these are fantastic suggestions keep em coming

It's kinda sad that people these days have to ask for advice on something as simple as extending their right hand outward (provided they have a right hand) with the thumb up (provided they have a thumb on the right hand) and then say something to the effect of, "Hello there. I'm ..."

Do that which you fear, and fear itself will exist no more.

You know it's almost like the stars have to align the right way... the opportunity just kind of presents itself. It's always good to make the opportunity, but some comment from the gut- like "how crazy is it, that the (whatever item that applies) is more expensive than (whatever other item) in a place like this?" Or, "you know, you'd think that this book has potiential for being interesting, but I just dont' know yet. I've heard good things about it...." Just in a pensive way- not really sounding planned or over-the-top, just a statement that is striking in a more mundane way. Almost like you're thinking to yourself.

Something that (s)he can be attracted to in a non-commited way. A mental spark regardless of how (s)he may feel about you at first glance. Someting to draw her in. And then conversation can evolve from there. That's what I've learned from striking up conversation with random strangers.... something general yet unique that everyone can relate to.

Halo_n_horns said:

It's kinda sad that people these days have to ask for advice on something as simple as extending their right hand outward (provided they have a right hand) with the thumb up (provided they have a thumb on the right hand) and then say something to the effect of, "Hello there. I'm ..."

Do that which you fear, and fear itself will exist no more.

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I sort of agree with what you're saying. We've lost a basic sense of etiquette and social decorum. However, without those "rules" to follow, we can also allow ourselves to try new things (speaking in relative historical terms), e.g., women asking men out, etc.

The most important thing to remember, and I guess this applies to a club/bar situation as well, is that the very first thing you say doesn't mean shit. So many guys chew themselves up over their opening line, when all that is really important is what comes after. You know, as long as you don't open by saying "Hi, I've really been fantasising about cutting you up and throwing you in a lake" you can't really go wrong. Say hello, and then ask how their day was, how work is going, etc. You can be funny or not, it doesn't really matter. Just be confident, and remember that if you fuck up the first line, it's not the end of the world.

ok...

If your really having trouble and like animals...get a dog(period). It's an instant way to conect to people. That's really why they are man's best friend. One warning though later after your married the dog will just stink up the house with stinky farts pissing your wife off. *g*

The real thing though is you have to make a connection...there is a reason people tlak about the weather, it affects us all. Make certain place a routine, get to know who the regulars are and take a chance by talking about what you have in common, such as the activity or place you are sharing.

Good Luck, everyone deserves someone.

openminded1972 said:

If your really having trouble and like animals...get a dog(period). It's an instant way to conect to people. That's really why they are man's best friend. One warning though later after your married the dog will just stink up the house with stinky farts pissing your wife off. *g*

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Possible innovation/improvement on this is if you have a neighbor with a dog that isn't able to walk their dog, perhaps you can do it. Then you have the dog to attract attention, but your carpet value remains the same.

And since it isn't really your dog, it doesn't matter if the dog is not "manly" or whatever.

The only drawback is that you have to have a good relationship with your neighbors (but that is a good thing anyway).

-RL

you are beautiful

bisexplicit said:

I've always felt odd walking up to strangers or having strangers walk up to me...it feels a little odd, in my opinion. A better option, I think, would be trying to find something you enjoy (a hobby, an interesting class/course, etc.) and meet women there. Once in that situation, its fairly easy to be like "oh, can you help me with this" or "what did they just say?" or "so, how long have you been interested in ______." hehe, Kindof lame ideas, but they can be enough to start things rolling. Best of luck.

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I love reading all that you have to say but....lol........that cock hanging out of your mouth gives me a woody...so I would agree with all of your oral input even if it is done with your fingers...........*wink*..just kidding...I like reading you

dollface007 said:

... e.g., women asking men out, etc.

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Now that would be a pleasant change of pace. Not a role reversal. Just an equality.

I have just read through all the suggestions here and I think you gave much better advice here than most of the stuff that can be found elsewhere where they are claiming that it's coming from all sorts of experts.

I wonder about one thing, though: Is it really common to just start talking with a stranger in a bookstore where you live, for example? I spend a lot of time in bookstores, but I never noticed strangers starting to talk there, nor has that happened to me. I think you'd have to be really good to start a conversation there successfully.

just_me said:

I have just read through all the suggestions here and I think you gave much better advice here than most of the stuff that can be found elsewhere where they are claiming that it's coming from all sorts of experts.

I wonder about one thing, though: Is it really common to just start talking with a stranger in a bookstore where you live, for example? I spend a lot of time in bookstores, but I never noticed strangers starting to talk there, nor has that happened to me. I think you'd have to be really good to start a conversation there successfully.

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I think that if you look like you are open to it, someone will approach you. If you make eye contact with a person, smile at them.. The kind of smile like you just saw you best friend.. warm and welcoming. People walk up and talk to me all the time. Grocery stores, department stores, even in line to get lunch. I am a happy person, so I tend to smile alot.. People smile back, that gives you an opening to start a conversation, or for them to come over and start one with you.

I always figure whats the worst that can happen.. so they shoot me down and think I am an idiot.... if you don't try, you never know.

blame the author

Once I was looking for sites of NLP (neuro-linguistic programing) and Ericksonian Hypnosis. I´m an M.D. and these techniques could be of help in my work.

One site linked to others, etc, and I found www.pickupguide.com/layguide.

I never used the aproach described there, but I learned why I failed constantly when I was a 20somthing shy guy. My wife invited me to a date, not the other way around (thanks God), and I was over 30 already.

talk to a girl as if she were yor best friend