The Age Gap: A Good Idea?

I was involved in a discussion elsewhere about large age gaps being more common in BDSM relationships than in vanilla ones. I put forth the idea that a large age gap might actually be a good idea, given the nature of our play. Knowledge and experience are helpful in safe play, and if someone has more of both than their partner, they are in a position to teach (even if the sub is the more experienced one). I know we've had some discussion on age gaps before, but can I spark any more on the idea that they are a good thing in BDSM relationships?

Personally, I can see them being both good or bad.

I completely agree that an older (not necessarily substantially) participant can bring a wealth of "lifestyle" knowledge and experience. So too can they bring all their just plain "life" experiences and already-made mistakes. Be they sub or dom they can certainly have a positive influence on the realtionship.

But then on the flipside you can have those who seek to displace their own lifetime of inadequacies (dom or sub) onto their partner. Those who may take advantage of the younger person in order to hide behind the falseness of their reality.

And then there are those numerically younger persons who may possess a great deal of experience and/or that rare youthful maturity.

Damn, I didn't even come close to answering your question did I?...lol.

I guess to me, in the end, be it vanilla or D/s, it all comes back to the characters of those involved.

That depends on what each seek outside of BDSM. As there are starting a family issues, health issues that could crop up and just that their interests my be completely different in regards to entertainment, politics and ways they were brought up. It requires a LOT of soul searching if they want the relationship to work. Play partners is one thing but once l;ove enters there needs to be talk of the future and what both want from it.

in general, yes it is

Hi Etoile, long time no see... I'm glad you brought this back up. I think I commented on the previous thread, since D and I do have the age difference thing going on, but we weren't living together at the time, so perceptions have probably changed.

Looking at it from an age gap point of view... As limbseeker said, it does depend on the people involved. For instance, you've got the case of a Mrs. Robinson thing, or the fifty year old dude throwing over wifey for a 20 something. And then you have the kids who have problems with their parents and are looking for the parental figure. I don't really count these as bdsm; because there are other issues at play here. (Unless of course, both partners happen to be kinked, at which point it becomes one.) But when you get down to it, a relationship exists on more than bdsm alone.

D was my first play partner. As we saw each other in a non scene aspect we realised that we have other things in common. Travel, adventures, reading material, geekiness... He is a veteran with ptsd issues; I have 9-11 and abusive childhood ptsd issues. (While my Sperm Donor was the abusive one, I am not trying to use D to relive my childhood and fix it. I don't place try to replace the love I never got from the SD with D's love. I am an equal partner in this relationship.) There is also a 20 year age difference between us.

Occasionally there are weird moments. I was writing an article on the patriot act and I had spoken to a military dude who is having problems with the concept of trying to force freedom on the Iraqui peoples at the same time as our government is stealing our own. I needed some balance, and I hesitate to say, historical balance and I turned to him and said.. "Sir,when you were overseas in Vietnam, how did the actions of the House Committee of Un American Activities effect you personally?" I wrote in my journal that night.. "I appreciate his help in this, but my mind keeps going back to the weirdness of the conversation. Sometimes the age gap seems an unbreachable wall between us."

Another odd dimension of a may december sort of thing is the health concerns. I worry about his health. One of the leading killers of men over the age of 45 is heart attack. While D is not seriously overweight, he is a bit heavy, and his body shape (apple) has a higher incidence of heart disease. I worry about him dying. I have nightmares about it. His take on the nightmares is, "I know it's stressing you, but you did know that's a distinct possiblity when we got together.." We talk it out, and I feel better and then I see something on the news and start to worry again.

Another non bdsm worry is the public perception. I am 32 but still look young enough to get carded for lottery tickets, and D is mostly grey allready. We do occaisionally get weird looks in public when it is obvious we're together. Holding hands, occasional kisses.. Sometimes he gets the evil looks, being how he's the lech out with the chippy. Sometimes it's me, being the alleged "evil" homewrecker.. I say allegedly because D was single when I met him. But someone in a bathroom at the mall once got snippy with me assuming I had stolen him from his family. Made me wonder if she had had a personal issue of that type. Certain members of my family had a cow over D's age. It made no matter that they all like him and think he's cool. FINALLY they realised that we're happy and he loves me and butted out.

The local bdsm community has been so supportive of us. There are some that get all weird about it. Some people think I simply must have a Daddy fetish, and the daddy fetishists think I'm the luckiest subbie on earth. (I probably am, but not cause of that!) Some people think he has a younger women fetish, and he doesn't really; his last subbie was older than him.

I do feel a little badly about that. They broke up with each other about a year before I came upon the scene. They were still friendly, but not really close. Then I met them both the same night. C is a nice lady, and we all got along. Eventually D and I got serious and C had a problem. She concentrates on our age, thinking he wanted a younger model. He didn't. He almost didn't let us get serious because of my age.

D says that one of the reason our relationship works is that I have had tons of life experience, and I read a lot. I am some one he can talk with, not at. Basically, I'm a geeky brainy type, and that appeals to him.

I'm the "older woman" in our relationship by 10 years. Our first night together, we were snuggled up in front of the TV and guess what movie came on? The Graduate! LOL. So we teased each other about being Benjamin and Mrs Robinson for a while.

It's true, sometimes I feel a generation gap. We sometimes have different tastes in music and other forms of entertainment. Our perspectives are sometimes different based on our life experiences. But, as we got to know each other, we found we had more in common than we found differences. I'm learning to appreciate music and movies that previously, I would have ignored. We have made a concious effort to understand each other and work towards finding common ground.

As Snooze says, the soul searching is important if you're looking at the long term. We had to face a few things and decide if they were important or not.

When I'm with Snooze, I don't see a younger man. I see the man I love. I see my Dom. I see someone who is strong and wise beyond His years. I see alot of wonderful qualities. What else really matters?

Hmmm... I always wonder what the motivation is when people like to compare D/s relationships with non-D/s relationships. Yes, I can see why some D/s relationships would foster a generation gap (Daddy/little girl, etc)... but aren't there countervailing tendencies for non-D/s relationships? (Rich man/bimbo spring to mind...)

Who knows? Unless you did some statistical analysis, it would be rather difficult to establish the existence of any trends, one way or the other.

I do know that for some people, generation gaps are neither here nor there in relationships. For others, they don't work. We are all different... is what it comes down to. If a relationship works, the age of the people within the relationship is irrelevent.

My Master is older than myself by a few years. His added age and wisdom to me are nice benefits. Only think I worry about sometimes is his heart giving out smiles.

FungiUg said:

Hmmm... I always wonder what the motivation is when people like to compare D/s relationships with non-D/s relationships. Yes, I can see why some D/s relationships would foster a generation gap (Daddy/little girl, etc)... but aren't there countervailing tendencies for non-D/s relationships? (Rich man/bimbo spring to mind...)

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I'm not sure why that is, although in this situation it does seem to be a reasonable comparison. The percentage of D/s relationships that have large age gaps is larger than the percentage of vanilla relationships with large age gaps, I think.

The three most important men in my life (2 are Doms and one has definate Dom tendencies) are all less than 6 months older than I.

I think Fungi is has a valid point. I don't think you can make broad-brush comparisons.

M's a year older than me, G is 15 years older than me and the lesbian couple I top is 24, and 21 respectively.

*grin*

I don't hold age and experience the same way. I'm 22 going on 50 with all the shit that has happened to me, the experiences I've had and how open I am about my sexuality and my experiences and knowledge about sex etc.

If I happen to come by a Dom/me who is younger and knows more then I and has more experience, I will give it a fair shot.

But I would prefer Him/Her to be older then I, and more experienced.

Really though ... I just want to learn and have a good teacher, friend, mentor, Dominant.

Before my current SO, I've been older then my past partners by either a few months or a year or so... this is the first person that I've dated who is older then I... I like it, I don't know if I like it better... but I like it, I am comfortable.

the age riff comes in when we talk about tv/music we grew up with. and we are just about on the same page as far as the bedroom and experiences.

A Desert Rose said:

The three most important men in my life (2 are Doms and one has definate Dom tendencies) are all less than 6 months older than I.

I think Fungi is has a valid point. I don't think you can make broad-brush comparisons.

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Mebbe it's time to try a younger man

James G 5 said:

Mebbe it's time to try a younger man

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Oh beg your pardon... of the 4 important men in my life, 3 are Doms and one has Dom tendencies, all but one is my age or older.

I stand corrected..... 's

Etoile said:

The percentage of D/s relationships that have large age gaps is larger than the percentage of vanilla relationships with large age gaps, I think.

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Perception and reality? Also, that may be true within the people you know -- a local phenomina? Or perhaps you notice those with the generation gap more? Or it could well be true.

I would reserve judgement until I saw some statistical evidence, myself.

FungiUg said:

Perception and reality? Also, that may be true within the people you know -- a local phenomina? Or perhaps you notice those with the generation gap more? Or it could well be true.

I would reserve judgement until I saw some statistical evidence, myself.

Click to expand...

I'm going by discussions that have been had here and the one I was involved in elsewhere...none of which have provided hard numbers, but I don't think it's a phenomenon local to DC or anything. (I'm not involved in ANY "local" BDSM communities, anyway. Only online.)

I thought I give my opinion on this was,
I am pretty sure that there is no different if you are in a Vanilla or BDSM relationship.
I actually know three couples personally, which all have an age difference from 10 to 20 years to their partners. All of them older man younger woman.
And I am pretty sure they are not BDSM orientate.
From my personal view when I was in my twenties, I always was mostly interested in guys their were 10 years older then me and for me, it was more about what they had to say.
The most time I couldn't get along with guys in my own age.
The man which I married is only two years older then me but I am still drawn to man they are older in age.
I think they are a lot of reason why a man or a woman chose an older partner and this is not always sex orientated.

An older man doesn't always equal more experience, especially if we are talking BDSM.

My Dom was much older then me. This suited me fine because I do like older men. *I* didn't feel much of an age gap though. In an odd sort of way his being a contemporary of my parents' helped with that. Their upbringing and values were very similar and so I didn't have issues relating to him.

Now maybe he felt otherwise, but he never said so.

I think it is like any other relationship. It all depends on whether you mesh or not.

I can see it being common becuase the older is usually more confident and sure of him/herself. But I have been in a relationship where I was 15 years younger. It was not a BDSM relationship but there was some D/s aspects to it. I figure now because she came from a generation where the Man was the figure head in the family. It was a very comfortable feeling.

I don't know if my opinion would come entirely outa no where, but most girls that I have been friends with (who were in Vanilla or BDSM relationships) usually go for older men, because as Anna Sue had stated, they couldn't get along with guys their own age. I'll be the first male to state that the old saying of girls maturing faster than boys is totally true.

Most males have a tendency to hold on to their immaturity, while girls seek womanhood and a higher thinking of sorts. Why this occurs, I haven't a clue. However the reasons being that age gaps occur in any relationships deals with the attracting characteristics of individuals. Certain people look for certain things, and whether that be a dominating figure, a little school girl personality, or just plain maturity and/or experience...it all is part of the attraction process that leads younger people to date older people.

I myself find nothing wrong with it, though I seem to have a knack in dating younger girls. THe old saying of, "highschool girls; I keep getting older, they stay the same age", could be used to describe me...(for point of fact they all were 18-19ish). But now I find I desire people my age or older; now I have different desires and expectations of one who I would like to date. The age issue only comes into play as a bad thing when the participants, involved in the relationship, are involved for unhealthy or improper reasons (as limbhugger had specified fromthe start). Other than that I can't see any reason to view age gaps in relationships (both Vanilla and BDSM) as all totally bad...there are a few bad apples here and there, but nothing to ban the whole group.

i don't necessarily believe that an age difference (may/december) is all that important. It goes without saying that somone who is older and practiced in this lifestyle for a good length of time will have be able to bring a wealth of knowledge and experience to the table. That said, it does not mean someone who is younger is unable to make a valid contribution to the lifestyle as well. For myself personally, i did not concentrate on age difference as what mattered was far beyond age and more about what fit.

lara

I must have missed something - May/December?

Never heard the expression "May/December romance?" The May representing the young partner and the December representing the older partner. A bit of a snide descriptor for those involved in huge age gap relationships.

lara

Oh! No, I've never heard that - thanks for the explanation. Any idea what it's from?

i honestly don't know. The origins escape me, but it's a euphimism that has been around for a long time. Would make an interesting search project if you were inclined.

lara

sorry... somehow posted to the wrong thread....


but just to add... i always thought the may/december romance thing refered to the length of the relationship... that it ended when times got rough as winters are .. often or were often... times of hardship.. yes?