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Girlfriend works in massage parlor, how to deal?

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sonicdefender

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Mar 23, 2003
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I wonder if anyone out there has any advise for me. My girlfriend recently got a job at a massage parlour and I've kind of been feeling jealous and irational about it. She asked me before she got the job and I thought I'd be fine with it, but it has been bothering me. She isn't even doing full service, just rub and tugs and a few bj's.

Also, a few weeks ago we had a foursome with a few of the girls from her work. I am not complaining about this at all! It was very cool. The thing is, she told me she has been diking out at work with these girls. I've told her before that I had no problem with her being with other women, and intellectualy I still don't, I just find it hot. But I find myself feeling kind of possesive about it.

I don't want to ask her to quit the job, it is really easy for her and she makes lots of money.Any other guys have girlfriends in the business? Anyone have any ways to get rid of stupid irational feelings like this? Feels good to get this of my chest anyway. Peace.
 
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OK I'm going to be old fashioned here and ask you, do you really want to be involved with someone that just may end up giving you a deadly disease? All the testing and protected sex in the world isn't going to help when that one "oops" happens and sooner or later its going to happen.

My wife and I aren't into multiple partners or any of that stuff. But it seems to me that most couples that are into it, handle it well enough when they do it together. Problems always seem to arise when one of the partners starts getting it on more than the other one. Furthermore your GF isn't doing it for just the enjoyment, she's doing it for money. Depending on where you live you may end up having to end up bailing her out of jail one of these days. Sex for money cheapens the act in my opinion.

I'm sorry, but I would kick this one to the curb in a hurry. I know, old fashioned advice, but to be honest, I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole.
 
i won't even mention the possibility of deadly disease. By as long as you get to tag 4 chicks its ok, but if she hits it with anyone else you get kind of jelous. These kinds of relationships are not the kind that last. You will probably not marry this one, have kids, the white picket fence and all that. I would say just have very very very very safe fun for now, and then move on.
 
Thanks for the advise. I'm really not to worried about disease because all she is doing is giving hand jobs and some bj's with condoms. The way I figured it before she started the job, all she is really doing is massaging everything. Bodmi, I think you are right about 2 things. The sex when we are together is fine, but when she is getting more than me it bugs me. Kind of makes an uneven balance of power between us. Meybe I would feel better if I had someone else on the side. She has said that would be cool as long as I told her. Also, your right about the sex for money cheapening it. I think that might be weighing on my mind.

Kicking her to the curb is not an option. We have been together for 3 years, and we are both crazy about each other. This is just a little speed bump, that's all. She is a girl I would marry and have kids with. I really don't think that this should be a big deal for me, I just have to get my feelings and my thoughts to line up.

Thanks alot for both you feedbacks.
 
sonicdefender said:
...

Also, a few weeks ago we had a foursome with a few of the girls from her work. I am not complaining about this at all! It was very cool. The thing is, she told me she has been diking out at work with these girls. I've told her before that I had no problem with her being with other women, and intellectualy I still don't, I just find it hot. But I find myself feeling kind of possesive about it.

...
Click to expand...

Hate to nit pick, but it's dyking. Or, dykeing. Webster wasn't much help, but I know it's with a Y.
 
Call me a prude if you want, but anyone who invites this much chaos into their life is just asking for heartache. Are you telling us that this was her one and only option for work right now??? I know the economy is bad, but yikes! She chose this for herself, and i'm not saying that sex workers are any less deserving of love, i'm just thinking that she is probably not really emotionally ready to be a stable and devoted wife and mother. I'm not judging, i'm just saying that someone who chooses this line of work *might* have some serious issues that they need to work out. If it really bothers you, you need to let her know...people are allowed to change their minds. Tell her that it's more than you can handle emotionally, even though you thought you'd be okay with it.
 
dollface007 said:
Call me a prude if you want, but anyone who invites this much chaos into their life is just asking for heartache. Are you telling us that this was her one and only option for work right now??? I know the economy is bad, but yikes! She chose this for herself, and i'm not saying that sex workers are any less deserving of love, i'm just thinking that she is probably not really emotionally ready to be a stable and devoted wife and mother. I'm not judging, i'm just saying that someone who chooses this line of work *might* have some serious issues that they need to work out. If it really bothers you, you need to let her know...people are allowed to change their minds. Tell her that it's more than you can handle emotionally, even though you thought you'd be okay with it.
Click to expand...

I don't understand what you are saying. How does this job show that she has any issues that she has to work out? I think that she is the one that has her head on straight and I'm being irrational. She is not fucking, just giving nude massages and bj's. It is just a job. I don't think that says anything about her emotional stability. I don't think there is anything wrong with what she is doing. I used to clean greyhound busses. That is much more disgusting. It just bugs me emotionaly. At her old job she made $1000 dollars a month. Now she makes $6000. I would feel like a real bastard to take that away from her.

Don't get me wrong, I really appreciate your advice. You are right about talking to her. I have let her know it bugs me. I have told her, but I said that I think that I can deal with it, and I really think I can. You are also right that I invited this chaos into my own life. I said I would be OK with it, now I'm not. I was really hoping that someone else one here has been in the same situation and could tell me how they deal with it. Thank you for your insight.
 
sonicdefender said:
I don't understand what you are saying. How does this job show that she has any issues that she has to work out? I think that she is the one that has her head on straight and I'm being irrational. She is not fucking, just giving nude massages and bj's. It is just a job. I don't think that says anything about her emotional stability. I don't think there is anything wrong with what she is doing. I used to clean greyhound busses. That is much more disgusting. It just bugs me emotionaly. At her old job she made $1000 dollars a month. Now she makes $6000. I would feel like a real bastard to take that away from her.
Click to expand...

I apologize if it seems that i am making assumptions. This is the angle i am coming from:
Giving blow jobs for a living is not a common occupation, i.e., the vast majority of women would rather clean Greyhound bus toilets than give strangers blowjobs for a living. I'm not saying she's a bad person, it just makes me suspect that someone who finds this to be an acceptable, respectable occupation is either extremely destitute or has some serious emotional issues involving sex. Let's face it, your gf doesn't just have an interesting job. She is a sex worker (Sex=fucking, which includes blowjobs), and with that comes alot of baggage no matter how open-minded you are.
"Emotional stability" was the wrong phrase to use....i'm sorry i used it.
 
dollface007 said:
I apologize if it seems that i am making assumptions. This is the angle i am coming from:
Giving blow jobs for a living is not a common occupation, i.e., the vast majority of women would rather clean Greyhound bus toilets than give strangers blowjobs for a living. I'm not saying she's a bad person, it just makes me suspect that someone who finds this to be an acceptable, respectable occupation is either extremely destitute or has some serious emotional issues involving sex. Let's face it, your gf doesn't just have an interesting job. She is a sex worker (Sex=fucking, which includes blowjobs), and with that comes alot of baggage no matter how open-minded you are.
"Emotional stability" was the wrong phrase to use....i'm sorry i used it.
Click to expand...

I don't think you are wrong here. Selling yourself for sex isn't exactly on the top ten list of jobs that most people aspire to as kids. Sure the money is great, but so are the penalties. AIDS, Hepatitis, syphillis to name a few, maybe a few beatings from unhappy customers etc. Oh well, at least she'll have the money to pay for the doctors. I'm sorry if I seem harsh, but there are no pension plans for the sex industry, most of the live hard and die hard. If thats your cup of tea, stay with her. But frankly I'd tell her its the job or me, take your pick.
 
You are having a relationship with a prostitute and you are wondering why you have issues? I mean, you aren't serious, are you?

Maybe things are different in Canada (where I think you are from?), but here in the states, a massage parlor that offers blowjobs can get busted, with the girls all winding up in jail. That can destroy any possibility of getting another job outside of the sex industry.

Your girl accepts money for sex. (And yes, blowjobs ARE sex) She's sucking other guys off for money, and you wonder why you have issues with this? Hmmm..

Okay, let me put it this way....you say you like the fact that she brings home 2 or 3 fellow (female) workers and you all have sex. Okay, well, what man wouldn't. Okay, I take that back - most men I know would be concerned about disease, but we'll overlook that for now. So, let's turn this around: say she brings home 2 or 3 of her male clients? How would that make you feel? Could you enjoy watching her give them "just bjs"?

Of course the sex industry pays big time. Ask strippers, porn stars, and call girls. They all make money. It's also high risk and only short term. Your girl is no different. She exchanges sexual favors for money. Period. She might as well be walking the streets - she's doing the same thing.

Kick her to the curb? I wouldn't say that. However, if this is an issue for you, perhaps you need to ask her to quit. Especially if you are thinking of a long term future with this woman. I know if I were doing something that truly bothered my man, I'd leave it. End of story.

But perhaps you are enjoying the $6,000 far too much to ask her to quit? Hmmm? If you want the money a prostitute makes, you gotta deal with the job she does. It's your choice. Stick it out and let it bother you, ask her to quit, or move on.
 
SexyChele said:
You are having a relationship with a prostitute and you are wondering why you have issues? I mean, you aren't serious, are you?

Maybe things are different in Canada (where I think you are from?), but here in the states, a massage parlor that offers blowjobs can get busted, with the girls all winding up in jail. That can destroy any possibility of getting another job outside of the sex industry.

Your girl accepts money for sex. (And yes, blowjobs ARE sex) She's sucking other guys off for money, and you wonder why you have issues with this? Hmmm..

Okay, let me put it this way....you say you like the fact that she brings home 2 or 3 fellow (female) workers and you all have sex. Okay, well, what man wouldn't. Okay, I take that back - most men I know would be concerned about disease, but we'll overlook that for now. So, let's turn this around: say she brings home 2 or 3 of her male clients? How would that make you feel? Could you enjoy watching her give them "just bjs"?

Of course the sex industry pays big time. Ask strippers, porn stars, and call girls. They all make money. It's also high risk and only short term. Your girl is no different. She exchanges sexual favors for money. Period. She might as well be walking the streets - she's doing the same thing.
Click to expand...



Try this again! I have to agree 1000% with this. Having a serious relationship with a 'professional' (to be nice), is way beyond me. Think of the type of people she may/is coming into full contact with everyday...
 
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As a woman with many, many friends in the sex for money industry, I won't tell you that you should leave her. But I have some questions:

Why do you HAVE to be okay with it? There are other options for jobs out there.

Is there a reason that she needs that much money? Why? What does she spend it on? Answering those questions can tell quite a bit about a person's character.

How do you feel about her having sex with other men? When she gives you a BJ, you think of it as sex, right? Imagine her giving that BJ to a string of different men. How does that make you feel? Are you okay with her not being monogamous to you?

And I'm going to ask this again, in a different way, because I don't understand this part. Why do you have to be the one to change your attitude? Why can't SHE look at YOUR problem and fix it by leaving that job? Why do you have to put up with something that bothers you?

Just my musings...

S.
 
Okay, it seems you were okay with this job in theory but not in practice and that is the bottom line, that you are not comfortable with it.


Also having known several people in the sex trade, I would have a few concerns:

her sexually involvement with her co workers-the only people I knew that had unpaid sex with their co-workers were dyke couples or drug addicts. Most of the people I knew might have hung out with their co-workers sometimes but not sleep with them. I am talking about people who have sex for pay with strangers not porn actors.

When sex becomes more of a commodity rather than a form of communication, people tend to turn off, or not be real. I don't know if its because they think hey I could get $x for this or because they burn out.

other people have already mentioned disease, yes I would worry about her getting diseases. Also her getting hurt, yes, there are guys that hurt women, that is their kick, a paid women is even more hurtable to them because for that small time they feel they own them. There are also the self esteem issues that tend to come up if aren't already evident.
 
sonicdefender said:
The sex when we are together is fine, but when she is getting more than me it bugs me. Kind of makes an uneven balance of power between us.
Click to expand...

An interesting turn of phrase that I italisized. Why do you think of it as a "balance of power"?

I think you should examine your real attitudes about sex-workers in general, because I think you've got some deep-seated prejudices or preconceptions against them that you're unconsciously applying to your GF -- some attitude picked up in childhood from your parents that you don't evenrelaize you've got.

You're also dealing with the natural instinct against sharing that's built into most men.

The best solution would be for her to find another job -- but she has to want that as much as you want her to or she'll feel like you're controllong her (or trying to control her.)

At the very least, you've got to communicate with her and let her know that this job is bothering you more than you thought it would.
 
Wow. You guys are not really telling me what I want to hear. I guess thats because I want to hear that lots of people have been in this situation and have had no problem. Not the case I guess. I've had no time the last few day's, and I got to get to bed, but I will post a real reply tomorow. Thanks for taking the time to help a guy out.
 
I couldn't do it. I just couldn't do it. If you are jealous now, it will never go away. And guess what? That is ok! You have to match up with someone who has the same morals as you and obviously you don't have the same as her.

Paul
 
sonicdefender said:
Wow. You guys are not really telling me what I want to hear.
Click to expand...


yeah well. This is what happens when you throw a question out to the universe. Why would you have expected any different?
 
peachykeen said:
yeah well. This is what happens when you throw a question out to the universe. Why would you have expected any different?
Click to expand...

I'm impressed, though, with how you have handled the advice. Not getting upset, and being open to what you hear. That shows that you really are trying very hard to figure out your mind and heart, not just throwing a random question out there. I hope we have all helped you somehow. :)

S.
 
sonicdefender said:
Anyone have any ways to get rid of stupid irational feelings like this?
Click to expand...

I kept thinking about this: Why do you think your feelings are stupid, or irrational?
 
Why do you think your feelings are stupid, or irrational

very very good point...

Jealousy is a hard thing to shove aside in a relationship once it has come up...those feelings hang around for a long long time and can turn into bitter resentment. I think your rationalizing things too much...hand jobs and bj's and massages ARE a big deal.

And how do you know there ISNT more involved? Your not at work with her 24/7 and she is servicing desperate, lonely men...

She should really get another job and you two should really go to counseling before your perfect relationship is no more.
 
massage parlour

My ex worked in a massage parlour. We overcame any jealousies by sharing her experiences. SOme supplied great humour and some provided us with hours of intense sex as well.....
 
peachykeen said:
yeah well. This is what happens when you throw a question out to the universe. Why would you have expected any different?
Click to expand...

I'm inclined to agree with a lot of the posters here and fell really bad for you since you already have a pre-conceived notion of what you want us to say. Open your mind up here- if you post a question, be prepared for some support & some disagreements.
 
peachykeen said:
yeah well. This is what happens when you throw a question out to the universe. Why would you have expected any different?
Click to expand...

I'm inclined to agree with a lot of the posters here and fell really bad for you since you already have a pre-conceived notion of what you want us to say. Open your mind up here- if you post a question, be prepared for some support & some disagreements.
 
I have actually used the services of a massage parlor (in the US). The women I have seen are wonderful, giving women not deserving of the bad reputation that our screwed up society wants to dump on them. I also visit web sites organized by men reviewing and discussing escorts, massage parlors etc. Every now and again, some man will start a post enquiring whether or not to get involved with a working girl. The replies from those men who have tried to have relationships with working girls all have the same answer- Run like the wind!! If I'm understanding you, she started this job after you were together for a while. In time, I have to believe the job will get to her (and you). Good luck.
 
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