Signs your mate is cheating...

I saw this column in 'Dear Abby' and decided to put it out there for debate. Some of these tips were by "Abby" herself, and some were examples given by readers. This is all paraphrased, so that good stuff is property of Dear Abby, and any mistakes are unmistakably mine. And of course, in most instances "He" and "She" is interchangeable...but of course, we knew that.

I got a kick out of it, mostly because it's so questionable...I was married to a man who cheated, and only ONE of these gave him away (secret email account).

Yet the man I am engaged to is a musician, on the road often, and because of the nature of his work, many of those can apply to him...but I know he's faithful.

Just thought I would throw it out for debate.

S.



SIGNS YOUR MATE IS CHEATING:

- He plays more golf, goes fishing more often, etc.

- You find birth control pills in her purse, and you've had a vasectomy.

- Mutual friends start acting strangely toward you.

- He stops confiding in you and seeking advice from you.

- Sets up new email account and doesn't tell you about it.

- He leaves the house in the morning smelling like Safeguard and returns smelling like Irish Spring.

- He refuses to let you take him to the airport when he's leaving town.

- He carries condoms and you are on the pill.

- Begins to delete all incoming calls from the caller ID.

- He becomes 'accusatory', asking if YOU are being true to HIM.

- Raises hypothetical questions, such as "Do you think it's possible to love more than one person at one time?"

- He buys himself new and nicer underwear.

- He insists that the child seat, toys, etc. be kept out of his car.

- She stops wearing her wedding ring.

- Has a sudden desire to be very helpful with the laundry.

- Has unexplained scratches or bruises on his neck and back.

- Suddenly wants to try new techniques, after not wanting to try anything new for a long time.

- Supposedly works a lot of overtime, but you never see the extra cash.

- Picks fights in order to stomp out of the house.

- Suddenly has new friends that you never meet.

- You find out by accident that she took a vacation day or personal time off from work...but supposedly worked on those days.

- Shows a sudden interest in different types of music.

- Her coworkers are uncomfortable in your presence.

- Has a sudden preoccupation with his appearance.

- Spends an excessive amount of time on the internet, especially after you have gone to bed.

- Suddenly works long hours on weekends.

- Never seems to be at his desk when you call. Always "in a conference" or a "meeting".

- Has lots of "emergency errands"...then comes home empty-handed, saying, "they didn't have what I needed".

- Unfamiliar charges on credit card bills.

- Excessive ATM withdrawls.

- Hang-ups and 'wrong numbers' happen more often...and you have an unlisted number.

- The number one sign? Having to ask yourself the question in the FIRST place.

***

These kinda gave me a chuckle, actually. It seems as though most are just sort of tongue in cheek. But then, I could be wrong. (Does any woman notice smell of soap on her husband when he returns home from work? Be a bitch if he were a fireman!)

I think some might apply, but I think the big one is the last one, personally.

I like that it's equal-opportunity. Too many lists like that are just about men or just about women.

SexyChele said:

These kinda gave me a chuckle, actually. It seems as though most are just sort of tongue in cheek. But then, I could be wrong. (Does any woman notice smell of soap on her husband when he returns home from work? Be a bitch if he were a fireman!)

I think some might apply, but I think the big one is the last one, personally.

Click to expand...

That poor fireman! lol

The last one was the kicker for me. If something doesn't feel right, then it is NOT right, that's what I have come to believe. If only I had trusted my judgment SO many times instead of questioning it!

S.

Etoile said:

I like that it's equal-opportunity. Too many lists like that are just about men or just about women.

Click to expand...

I liked that, too. With the exception of very few, they are pretty universal.



S.

Hey...they are good...Now I know what to be careful of and what not to do....lol

rich987652 said:

Hey...they are good...Now I know what to be careful of and what not to do....lol

Click to expand...

LOL

I guess you're right. This can be titled "Signs your mate is cheating" OR "how to hide the signs that tell your mate you are fucking someone else silly"?

Again, I guess it's that gut feeling. My ex-husband did absolutely NOTHING out of the ordinary, so I talked myself into ignoring that gut feeling. BAD idea. If I had paid attention, I would have gotten out of that marriage three years earlier!

S.

sheath said:

Again, I guess it's that gut feeling. My ex-husband did absolutely NOTHING out of the ordinary, so I talked myself into ignoring that gut feeling. BAD idea. If I had paid attention, I would have gotten out of that marriage three years earlier!

S.

Click to expand...

So many people say this, but I wonder how true it really is. People always are quick to accuse either the "other person" or the spouse by asking how they could not have known the person was married or cheating. Some people are just so good at covering their tracks and instilling trust, that it truly can be difficult to learn and/or suspect the truth. There are those among us who can lie so beautifully sometimes.

And I think hindsight is always 20/20. How many people truly want to believe their spouse is doing something that is less than honorable? Of course, it helps if there is a subsequent relationship. But, as in your case, Sheath, you are engaged to a man who would be considered "high risk". It come down to trust, honesty, and communication. And those are some big steps to take especially after having already been hurt once before!

SexyChele said:

So many people say this, but I wonder how true it really is. People always are quick to accuse either the "other person" or the spouse by asking how they could not have known the person was married or cheating. Some people are just so good at covering their tracks and instilling trust, that it truly can be difficult to learn and/or suspect the truth. There are those among us who can lie so beautifully sometimes.

And I think hindsight is always 20/20. How many people truly want to believe their spouse is doing something that is less than honorable? Of course, it helps if there is a subsequent relationship. But, as in your case, Sheath, you are engaged to a man who would be considered "high risk". It come down to trust, honesty, and communication. And those are some big steps to take especially after having already been hurt once before!

Click to expand...

In this case, my ex was VERY good at hiding. He was very kind and generous, always, with his time and his affection. He was the "perfect" husband. Only after I discovered the email account did I realize that he was handing our more time and affection than I ever dreamed he would.

It really did hit me out of the blue. He is the best liar I have ever seen...mostly because he didn't actually LIE. He omitted information, which meant that he never really had to watch what he said. It was like he led two lives.

***

My fiance and I have been through quite a bit together, and our mutual trust was EARNED, not just given. It took one hell of a lot to get to the place where we are now. And sometimes, it is still hard to trust. It has nothing to do with my man, and everything to do with the shock that I felt when I discovered my ex-husband's affairs.

So...my man and I make a point of absolute, constant, completely open communication. There is nothing he doesn't know, nothing I don't know. We encourage each other to check email accounts, to look around for other things, to ask questions of friends. That compete openness leaves us secure. And through doing all those things and 'testing each other out', we have come to a place of earned trust and mutual belief. It's a good thing for us.

And yeah, my fiance is "high risk", by most standards. But I sleep well at night, no matter where he is...because I KNOW he is mine, and I am his, and that is a gut feeling that never wavers.

Ah...how good it is to earn trust, rather than just give it blindly.



S.

These are good Sheath, I had to laugh on the Irish Spring one.
In my case, the bastard actually had the balls to bring her home to my bed! Allow me to say it wasn't "pretty" when I walked in on them
Ah well........that's been almost 20 years ago and lots of water under the proverbial bridge.


-kym- Tossing all of those worries over the bridge

the only thing that you can do is trusting the other person,doing like sheath has said,building the relationship trough communication.Anyway, i was at a dinner with a doctor(a shrink) and he did say that:" everybody is entiteld to have some privacy and some,in a way,private zones.And the best thing is to realize that,as long as your prtner satisfy your needs,there's no reason
to investingate.Jealousy is more not trusting yourself ,to be a person worthy of love,than not trusting the partner.And it's not realistic to think that your partner will not have an affair during your life together :you hope for the best".I don't agree completely,some things were dificult to swallow,but as example,if sheath's hubby was so good at deceiving and if she would have found nothing about it,would she have felt something missing?Don't get angry at me for this,i'm tryn to understand..About being at hig risk,i'm considered as such,but never done anything during relationships.I know many "normal people" engaging in all types of two or three way relationship.Quiteoften ,people are not as they appear,especially the ones who talk very little.The only thing i can add is that you can't own somebody,period.But unconditional love,as long as is the perfect way to have a relationship ,is very difficult to have in reality.

nightswan said:

<snip>
And the best thing is to realize that,as long as your prtner satisfy your needs,there's no reason
to investingate.

Whoa. Are you serious? What about the possibility of your partner fucking around and bringing a disease back home? Satisfaction is NOT just about sex, it's also about emotion...and how can you be satisfied if what should be yours is being shared without your consent?

Jealousy is more not trusting yourself ,to be a person worthy of love,than not trusting the partner.

What does jealousy have to do with a partner cheating?



And it's not realistic to think that your partner will not have an affair during your life together :you hope for the best.I don't agree completely,some things were dificult to swallow,but as example,if sheath hubby was so good at deceiving and if she would have found nothing about it,would she have felt something missing?

I did eventually feel something missing...that was the gut feeling I was talking about earlier. So I went with that feeling, and tried to find what it was I was missing. Turns out, what I was missing was the time and attention he was lavishing on other women while I sat at home and waited for him to come back from those 'business trips'. So he was a good liar, yeah. But my intuition was stronger than that.


I know many "normal people" engaging in all types of two or three way relationship.

Consenting to have sex with other people is NOT the same as cheating. Two very different subjects, there. Explain to me how you can compare the two in this context?

Click to expand...

I appreciate your viewpoint, nightswan. But to my admittedly jaded eye, you seem to be one of those who try to justify cheating by saying "everyone will do it at some point" and "there's no reason to investigate".

Frankly, if my man said those things? I would walk away RIGHT THEN.

S.
(who is rather touchy right now, lol)

.

sheath said:

- Raises hypothetical questions, such as "Do you think it's possible to love more than one person at one time?"

- Spends an excessive amount of time on the internet, especially after you have gone to bed.

Click to expand...

That sounds more like a sign the person is becoming advanced & intelligent in terms of relationships


And, uh, what's "excessive" in terms of online????

Re: Re: Signs your mate is cheating...

James G 5 said:

That sounds more like a sign the person is becoming advanced & intelligent in terms of relationships


And, uh, what's "excessive" in terms of online????

Click to expand...

Excessive...ummm...when you go to sleep and he's online, and when you WAKE UP, he's still online? lol

S.

Cheating

I got a wife of 13 years who is very jealous of me.Say's it is because her last ex cheated on her.I do nothing to bring on the accusations.I don't go out alone or with friends,come straight home from work.If I got laid as much as she has accused me of I'd be a tired s.o.b. It is about to drive me to go do it .If I got to put up with this,she may as well have a reason.

My wife trusts me, despite being married 3 times before and I admire her for being able to trust someone else. She says that being with me is so much better than the others, and I certainly don't ever doubt her total commitment to me.

I think the most important thing for us it ensure we have our own space. We don't crowd each other at home, but we make sure we still spend enough quality time together. Does anyone else think that lack of space has caused a problem for themselves ?

sheath said:

I appreciate your viewpoint, nightswan. But to my admittedly jaded eye, you seem to be one of those who try to justify cheating by saying "everyone will do it at some point" and "there's no reason to investigate".

Frankly, if my man said those things? I would walk away RIGHT THEN.

S.
(who is rather touchy right now, lol)

Click to expand...

Dear Sheath,
i'm sorry i did not wite clearly.I was reporting some doctor's opinion on that subject.Some of his opinions were not clear even to me,so i was tryn to have some feedback about them.No way i'm advocating cheating.Never done it,in fact,even if there has been many occasions.About normal people and the need to investigate,my point o wiew was more along the lines of "if he/she wants to cheat,it's very difficult to find out,even if you investigate,unless you're really good or your partner leaves some traces(some do that also)".About normal people,i was referring to the fact tha there's not a standard parameter for a cheaterften people you wouln't think in a million years to be cheaters are doing it in fact(it was a reference to a previous post).
I'm sad that you get the wrong message from my post.I'm not advocating cheating,absolutely.And i was sayng that you can hope your partner doesn't do that,but never be certain,that's all.The bit about jealousy was a reference to some behaviour,like explained in the post by 77 cobra.Please,forgive me if i didn't make my point clear.I hate to be misunderstood.

I hope this will fix things a bit.Please let me know.

A kiss on your hand,
nightswan

Re: Re: Re: Signs your mate is cheating...

sheath said:

Excessive...ummm...when you go to sleep and he's online, and when you WAKE UP, he's still online? lol

S.

Click to expand...

As long as he rogers you properly first, tucks you in, and holds you till you sleep tho?
I mean, some of us are just insomniacs

nightswan said:

Dear Sheath,
i'm sorry i did not wite clearly.I was reporting some doctor's opinion on that subject.Some of his opinions were not clear even to me,so i was tryn to have some feedback about them.No way i'm advocating cheating.Never done it,in fact,even if there has been many occasions.About normal people and the need to investigate,my point o wiew was more along the lines of "if he/she wants to cheat,it's very difficult to find out,even if you investigate,unless you're really good or your partner leaves some traces(some do that also)".About normal people,i was referring to the fact tha there's not a standard parameter for a cheaterften people you wouln't think in a million years to be cheaters are doing it in fact(it was a reference to a previous post).
I'm sad that you get the wrong message from my post.I'm not advocating cheating,absolutely.And i was sayng that you can hope your partner doesn't do that,but never be certain,that's all.The bit about jealousy was a reference to some behaviour,like explained in the post by 77 cobra.Please,forgive me if i didn't make my point clear.I hate to be misunderstood.

I hope this will fix things a bit.Please let me know.

A kiss on your hand,
nightswan

Click to expand...

Your post seemed very clear to me, you essentially said that it is okay for people to be dishonest within relationships as long as the other person doesn't know. Expecting to be able to trust what a person says or vows you equated to jealousy or them not feeling secure in themselves. Lies are merely shields for privacy and are acceptable. That you should not expect that your partner will be loyal or keep his word and if you do that is considered trying to own them.
That lies are only found out by investigation which a trusting secure person should not do.

Have I missed anything? Oh yes, the bit about having multiple partners, which seems to have nothing at all to do with cheating. That was a bit unclear but as it had nothing to do with the subject it didn't really matter.

and in this post you are agreeing with another post that basically says if you feel someone is being jealous you are justified in breaking your word, that someone else's actions free you from any responsibility to maintain the integrity of your own words.

In general, that people should have no inner moral compass of honesty and responsibility, that their integrity should be a mere convenience when they wish it to and disposable when it is easier to do without it.

cigno di notte said:

and in this post you are agreeing with another post that basically says if you feel someone is being jealous you are justified in breaking your word, that someone else's actions free you from any responsibility to maintain the integrity of your own words.

In general, that people should have no inner moral compass of honesty and responsibility, that their integrity should be a mere convenience when they wish it to and disposable when it is easier to do without it.

Click to expand...

Oh, wow.

I think I like you.

S.

Re: Re: Re: Re: Signs your mate is cheating...

James G 5 said:

As long as he rogers you properly first, tucks you in, and holds you till you sleep tho?
I mean, some of us are just insomniacs

Click to expand...

Well, in that case...as long as he rogers me thoroughly enough that I pass out in his arms, and wakes me up in the same way, then he could spend all the time he wanted on the internet.

See? I'm easy at compromise.

S.

nightswan said:

Dear Sheath,
i'm sorry i did not wite clearly.I was reporting some doctor's opinion on that subject.Some of his opinions were not clear even to me,so i was tryn to have some feedback about them.No way i'm advocating cheating.Never done it,in fact,even if there has been many occasions.About normal people and the need to investigate,my point o wiew was more along the lines of "if he/she wants to cheat,it's very difficult to find out,even if you investigate,unless you're really good or your partner leaves some traces(some do that also)".About normal people,i was referring to the fact tha there's not a standard parameter for a cheaterften people you wouln't think in a million years to be cheaters are doing it in fact(it was a reference to a previous post).
I'm sad that you get the wrong message from my post.I'm not advocating cheating,absolutely.And i was sayng that you can hope your partner doesn't do that,but never be certain,that's all.The bit about jealousy was a reference to some behaviour,like explained in the post by 77 cobra.Please,forgive me if i didn't make my point clear.I hate to be misunderstood.

I hope this will fix things a bit.Please let me know.

A kiss on your hand,
nightswan

Click to expand...

Thank you for the kind words, nightswan. However, I still think that your previous post was quite clear, without much need for elaboration. Nothing to forgive. Opinions are opinions, and you have opened a pandora's box of mine, sweetie.

So, now I'm wondering...are you agreeing with Cobra77 in a sense, that if someone gets jealous, they are asking for it?

And I'm even more curious...you have pointed out 'normal' people in two posts now. What exactly is your definition of normal?

And please clarify something else for me. I think I understand, but I want to be sure I have this right. Because it is very difficult to find if some people are cheating, then there is no point in investigating? Even if you KNOW deep down (that gut feeling, remember?) that someone is lying, or omitting important information that affects your relationship? That it is good to hope for the best, but to never expect it? What happens when you DO find proof? Are you saying that because you investigated and found the proof, you deserved to be cheated upon, and the fact that you investigated just proves it? That you deserve what you get, because you aren't "secure" in yourself and willing to overlook whatever someone else may say for the sake of window dressing?

In my opinion, the person with that kind of attitude will never be settled and happy in a relationship. But of course, that's just my opinion.

Thanks, nightswan.

S.

rich987652 said:

My wife trusts me, despite being married 3 times before and I admire her for being able to trust someone else. She says that being with me is so much better than the others, and I certainly don't ever doubt her total commitment to me.

I think the most important thing for us it ensure we have our own space. We don't crowd each other at home, but we make sure we still spend enough quality time together. Does anyone else think that lack of space has caused a problem for themselves ?

Click to expand...

I know that lack of space caused a problem for my fiance and I at one point in the beginning of our relationship. I think it was because neither of us had had partners who were completely open, and we didn't know how to do that at first. Subterfuge had been something we came to expect from others, so not having that was hard to actually accept. Does that make sense?

I was always worried he would cheat, since that was really all I had known. I thought my marriage was perfect, but I didn't know what was going on in hotel rooms all over town. And since things were so perfect with my boyfriend, I thought...okay, there HAS to be something wrong here. He thought the same way. He was cheated and burned ten times worse than I was by a previous lover. So, we were always checking up on one another, and it got to a point where we questioned everything.

Then we realized we were going nowhere with it, so we came up with a plan. Once we accepted that fact that we didn't have to know where each other was every second, and that if we DID want to know, all we had to do was pick up the phone? That freedom of being able to call anytime, anywhere, for any reason was the turning point for us. We had our space, but we both had the option of calling the other when we were apart. Any question became fair game. Checking up on each other became something we expected and embraced. And it worked. I trust him completely, and he trusts me.

So...lack of space could have ended us. But we decided on giving each other space, insisted on it, yet left the option to reassure at any time. We felt like geniuses, lol.

S.

Re: Cheating

77Cobra said:

I got a wife of 13 years who is very jealous of me.Say's it is because her last ex cheated on her.I do nothing to bring on the accusations.I don't go out alone or with friends,come straight home from work.If I got laid as much as she has accused me of I'd be a tired s.o.b. It is about to drive me to go do it .If I got to put up with this,she may as well have a reason.

Click to expand...

Can I ask a few questions?

Why do you think she accuses you of cheating? What reason does she give?

And is jealousy really a cause to cheat?



Thanks, 77Cobra.

S.