What's a Submissive to Do?

You've met a Dominant on-line and the exchange of erotic email is delightful. The next step is chat which continues to speak of a certain compatibility. At long last you decide to meet.

You find this man to be a marvel in composition and stamina but he hesitates to express his dominance in so many ways. You tell him that you have NEEDS and that they must be fulfilled yet he continues to express his erotica in almost a vanilla way telling you that perfect trust needs to form before he can dominante you in the fashion he desires.

Two months pass and still very little D/s. How can a submissive get her point across to a obviously controlling man and not alienate him at the same time?

Possibly not. The point is it is the Dominant who dominates and the submissive who submits, and if you have expressed your preferred mode of receiving that dominance, and he is not responding in kind of his own free will, it just might be you do not share the same ideas on how dominance is achieved. It doesn't make him less of a Dominant, or you less of a submissive, just not on the same page. Would you seriously be happy if he did as you told him you expected? Would that be a Dominant or one trying to fulfil your needs regardless of his own, IOW playing a part or allowing you to get away with topping from the bottom?

Catalina

Point taken Cat. He does not allow topping from the bottom and I admire him for that. And you are right, I would lose respect for him if he allowed me to direct our expressions. We have discussed our activity preferences and he tells me that all is on the table but not at this time. I try hard not to push but get impatient at times. Each time I express my desire for a certain element to be added to our erotica, he smiles devilishly and says perhaps in the near future.

I have strong feelings for this man and do not want to push him away. So I guess I'll just have to be patient and give him more time to unleash what I know is there.

catalina_francisco said:

Possibly not. The point is it is the Dominant who dominates and the submissive who submits, and if you have expressed your preferred mode of receiving that dominance, and he is not responding in kind of his own free will, it just might be you do not share the same ideas on how dominance is achieved. It doesn't make him less of a Dominant, or you less of a submissive, just not on the same page. Would you seriously be happy if he did as you told him you expected? Would that be a Dominant or one trying to fulfil your needs regardless of his own, IOW playing a part or allowing you to get away with topping from the bottom?

Catalina

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Hey, you're not alone..I continually remind myself my mother used to say patience is a virtue, but sometimes it is difficult to not jump up and down and scream 'when then!!'. No two people are alike, and some Dominants like to remind you of their dominance through making you wait until they feel for whatever reason it is time. Hang in there unless it just gets unbearable and seems you are too different to survive happily.

Catalina

catalina_francisco said:

Hey, you're not alone..I continually remind myself my mother used to say patience is a virtue, but sometimes it is difficult to not jump up and down and scream 'when then!!'. No two people are alike, and some Dominants like to remind you of their dominance through making you wait until they feel for whatever reason it is time. Hang in there unless it just gets unbearable and seems you are too different to survive happily.

Catalina

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I have found that the stronger ones personality is, the more difficult it is to be patient.

Sounds like it could be going nowhere. Submission's great and all but if you are really talking about needs and someone is using those needs to string you into a romantic relationship before they ever touch any of them, I have to wonder if his needs will ever overlap yours.

Why the patience test? To make sure you are good and seriously enmeshed before you find out that he hasn't got the skills or inclination to play the way you like to play?

Netzach said:

Sounds like it could be going nowhere. Submission's great and all but if you are really talking about needs and someone is using those needs to string you into a romantic relationship before they ever touch any of them, I have to wonder if his needs will ever overlap yours.

Why the patience test? To make sure you are good and seriously enmeshed before you find out that he hasn't got the skills or inclination to play the way you like to play?

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Cutting the BS to the heart of the matter once again? This is just one reason why I love you so much!

Fury

I would suggest an updated checklist that has a value rating scale included into the activities section.

Both ckecklists could be filled out,swapped & discussed with your Dominant partner........it might help him with cutting to the chase and stepping things up a bit.......

I am very little experienced but if you allow me I will tell you ( impersonal you ) about the pace of my training or better about the development of a D/s relation , all based on what I am living at the moment , and just on it .

My Master , a wonderful man I really adore and trust , is that kind of quiet slow pace Dominant .

We talk a lot about everything both bdsm related issues and everyday matters , besides about our respective job matters , philosophy , music , literature and a lot of other things I won't annoy you mentioning here.

We share a deep friendship, a total understanding and a feeling we don't like to label but we consider the strongest bound we have ever felt .

By mutual agreement we always avoided the word "love " both due to our shared wariness towards the underlieing meanings and implications of that "word", and maybe just because it works fine for us that way .

He is a strong man and notwithstanding I am a strong woman he never allows me to top from the bottom , thing that I sometimes try to attempt for lack of experience, bad mood or because maybe I am not trained enough yet.

We are in a long distance relation , but we meet with a certain regularity and we talk almost every day with all the means the progress allows us to use , phone , istant messages, e-mails and why not snail mail ( how wonderful is to receive a letter or a parcel in this internet age ! )

All the above said , when we met the first time I was totally new to the whole bdsm related world ( he is my first Master) so he deliberately chose a very slow pace in my training to make me the submissive he desires and needs . So slow that I am not ashamed to say after more than an year and an half of relation I still don't know many of the practices we usually talk about on this board ( that's why I avoid to talk about them most of times ..lol... ) . But he always tells me he never has regretted his first decision which he considers the best for the way I am .

We agreed together that online / phone training or plays don't suit us and our needs ( I am not the " kneel in front the keyboard and give me a virtual bj slut " kind of woman ) although we truly respect people who appreciate and enjoy online plays.

This way the "proper" training is restricted to the time we can spend together in real and yet even then his behaviour is strict but the pace still quiet and very slow.

When we have not the possibility to meet irl we mostly talk , besides another million things, about "theory " of BDSM , we share opinions about our readings or we compare sensations about something we found , or ( rarely ) experienced by our own ( he heartly encourages me to talk about bdsm with other people both Dominants and submissives ). We share advices about things to read or write , we analyze bdsm issues and we learn to know each other deeply every day more.

Is it frustrating ? Yes it is . Definitively .

Sometimes I crave to show him my unconditional submission my need to have him take possession of the whole myself both body and mind , and I told him about that .

We talked long about it but he told me he is the one who decides I am the one who has to obey, and he is giving me the rhythm he considers right . That is his will .

He told me I am going to be his and completely his and that, being a whole life choice and not a game , in his opinion needs time and an increasing trust and ease towards him and his plans for me , which can't be built in a few time .

He told me he doesn't need a tamed submissive but he likes to enjoy every drop of my awakening awareness . The journey is the reward for both of us !!

Maybe he understood something about my inner self I have not realized yet .

However lately we someway arrived to a compromise ( ty Master !! ) and he kindly agreed with a benevolent but evil smile that maybe I am kinda ready to leave the " theory ". So I hope next time we will meet ( soon !! ) there will be some " rough practices " ( as I naively call them ) waiting for me .
I will keep you updated.

Although he still thinks I read too many BDSM novels and I frequent too much the BDSM board on here !!

But I know he enjoys that side of me at last !

I realize it is a cliché but life is indeed short. Every day that escapes can never be recaptured.

Wait if you must, just try to be sure you are waiting for something substantive.

I think there has been lots of good advice on this thread.

saw_man1 said:

I realize it is a cliché but life is indeed short. Every day that escapes can never be recaptured.

Wait if you must, just be sure you are waiting for something substantive.

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How can you be sure though? I think that's pretty hard to know.

Fury

FurryFury said:

I think there has been lots of good advice on this thread.



How can you be sure though? I think that's pretty hard to know.

Fury

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You are absolutely right and correct in questioning me.

You can never be totally sure.

I did not type what I was thinking and have edited my post.

saw_man1 said:

You are absolutely right and correct in questioning me.

You can never be totally sure.

I did not type what I was thinking and have edited my post.

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I wasn't trying to correct you, I just tend to have doubts at all times.

Fury

You nailed my fears hard.

You really are a gem Netzach.

Netzach said:

Sounds like it could be going nowhere. Submission's great and all but if you are really talking about needs and someone is using those needs to string you into a romantic relationship before they ever touch any of them, I have to wonder if his needs will ever overlap yours.

Why the patience test? To make sure you are good and seriously enmeshed before you find out that he hasn't got the skills or inclination to play the way you like to play?

Click to expand...

Real deal?

Blushing Bottom said:

You've met a Dominant on-line and the exchange of erotic email is delightful. The next step is chat which continues to speak of a certain compatibility. At long last you decide to meet.

You find this man to be a marvel in composition and stamina but he hesitates to express his dominance in so many ways. You tell him that you have NEEDS and that they must be fulfilled yet he continues to express his erotica in almost a vanilla way telling you that perfect trust needs to form before he can dominante you in the fashion he desires.

Two months pass and still very little D/s. How can a submissive get her point across to a obviously controlling man and not alienate him at the same time?

Click to expand...

Time to move on - You are giving, he is not taking - my guess is that he is toying with you until he gets what he is really looking for.

Sorry to be to the point, but why waste your time, just move on...

my 2 cents..

FF, BB thanks, I don't think I'm such a gem, I just know that when I have a boner for a sub I play with them as hard as I can get away with.

Netzach said:

FF, BB thanks, I don't think I'm such a gem, I just know that when I have a boner for a sub I play with them as hard as I can get away with.

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H-O-T!!!

Fury

SouthernDom said:

I would suggest an updated checklist that has a value rating scale included into the activities section.

Both ckecklists could be filled out,swapped & discussed with your Dominant partner........it might help him with cutting to the chase and stepping things up a bit.......

Click to expand...

That's pretty damn funny. But on a more serious note, I agree that things like this could help those of us too shy to ask. (blush)

HotKittySpank said:

That's pretty damn funny. But on a more serious note, I agree that things like this could help those of us too shy to ask. (blush)

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Is it funny? The humor went over my head then. Damn it, I LOVE to laugh.

It actually sounded like a good idea to me. One that the Dom mentioned in the original post probably wouldn't do. I happen to love such check lists and communication in general though.

Fury

I am thinking the best way you can go here is to ask him straight out about all the things concerning you. As babiesmiles and I have both said, this can be the way of particular Dominants, but as others have also said, it can also be avoidance for whatever reason. You need to know what is happening and why before you can make any rational decision you will not possibly look back on in the future and wonder 'what if'. It is good to know when you are not compatible, but it is also difficult to find another who is 100% compatible and he may be one of those who feels it important to set the ground rules from the beginning that if this is to continue, it continues at his pace and when he says, not becasue you want your candy right now. That is not meant to be a patronising remark, but while I agree life is short, there is also a need to appreciate that D/s is about dominance and submission not demanding and being catered to as some seem to support. If it happens that the terms are just not what you want or can handle, it is best to get out now before you get any more involved. As always, communication is the key here, not rash decisions made on unverified suspicions and unanswered questions.

Catalina

catalina_francisco said:

I am thinking the best way you can go here is to ask him straight out about all the things concerning you. As babiesmiles and I have both said, this can be the way of particular Dominants, but as others have also said, it can also be avoidance for whatever reason. You need to know what is happening and why before you can make any rational decision you will not possibly look back on in the future and wonder 'what if'. It is good to know when you are not compatible, but it is also difficult to find another who is 100% compatible and he may be one of those who feels it important to set the ground rules from the beginning that if this is to continue, it continues at his pace and when he says, not becasue you want your candy right now. That is not meant to be a patronising remark, but while I agree life is short, there is also a need to appreciate that D/s is about dominance and submission not demanding and being catered to as some seem to support. If it happens that the terms are just not what you want or can handle, it is best to get out now before you get any more involved. As always, communication is the key here, not rash decisions made on unverified suspicions and unanswered questions.

Catalina

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Catalina makes several really good points here. You'll never know what is in your Dom's mind or thoughts without respectfully talking to Him about it.

Remarking only on the first post...

To me, it seems like he may be wanting to get to know you...
How you operate...
That you're not going to turn around and blow a whistle claiming you were forced....etc...

As for myself, there's no way I can even get to "that part" of a relationship without knowing/having substantial feelings for someone.

For their safety, for mine, and partly because (and I know I'm probably the minority here) I feel icky getting sexual (and especially anything kinky) if I don't have the emotional bond behind it.

To quote Marquis, and to be the antithesis thereof, I do not have my heart "shielded by my pecker", but quite the opposite.

Not only that, but it could be that he is teasing you with the pace or just enjoying the process at the pace it's going. And, if you really want to continue in the relationship with him, in whatever capacity you two find fit for yourselves, waiting for it (or discussing it with alot of paitience on your part, without "topping from the bottom" so to speak) may just be well worth it.

Once you know ones limits (by taking it fairly slowly) then you know how to work with and through them...to an ultimate reward.

Just one boy (who's been woken up WAY too early)'s thoughts.


LNE

lne_iii said:

Remarking only on the first post...


Not only that, but it could be that he is teasing you with the pace or just enjoying the process at the pace it's going

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It us interesting you said this because I often do this to slow a sub down when I think he is rushing things a bit, he is trying to influence how I operate. I also do it to teach him patience because a lot of things he has to do are not exciting or sexual. There are many mundane tasks I require of a boy and he has to learn to slow down and wait for My direction.

It can be a hard listen for some to learn.

Eb

I guess this hits home for me because it's ultimately what put the nail in the coffin of my bottom/sub career with men. The tantalizing refrain of "patience my dear patience" eventually gave way to me soundly flipping his ass and now he's my stud toy. A delicious intelligent wicked consort, but someone who obviously benefits from being directed and my sexual initiative. I've extended the standing invite to top me any time, and it never happens.

Sorry, you gotta want it enough to make it happen, dude. Till then, bend over.

I acknowledge this is not a worldwide solution and a part of me still twinges lustfully over what didn't happen and could have (?) but obviously didn't for good reasons on his part, and probably never will. There's nothing I would not have done, and I guess that encompassed eventually grabbing the bull by the horns.

So that's the lens I'm looking at this through.

One could argue that I'm a selfish bitch because I actually expected overt displays of PE, assignments, use, challenge, something other than endless tease tease tease, which is deliciously deployed but ultimately if it doesn't consummate itself in anything, is pointless.

One could argue that I'm a selfish bitch because I actually expected overt displays of PE, assignments, use, challenge, something other than endless tease tease tease, which is deliciously deployed but ultimately if it doesn't consummate itself in anything, is pointless.

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That is so true. Endless teasing is just that, an endless tease! There's a time and place for everything and if you're feeling like you're being pushed too close or too far past a limit, then you should speak up.

A D/s relationship isn't about just giving a Dom whatever He wants. It's about the mutual gratification and satisfaction of BOTH parties. Any Dom to argue this point is a selfish a-hole who needs to get his head out of his arse! You're obviously feeling uncomfortable with this whole situation, and I think you should say something.