she_is_my_addiction
insane drunken monkey
- Joined
- Sep 4, 2004
- Posts
- 8,164
I'm going over and over and over possible comebacks in my head. What scares me most is not having Luna there with me. All the wisdom, advice, and lessons she's given me are so valuable, but I'm afraid they'll get lost in my fear (...don't show it, they'll feed off of it...) and anger, and suddenly my mother's words will have me by the throat. What if I freeze up? What if I cry? ...But what if I don't? Will I be able to let go of something, finally, like Luna and I talked about? If I don't cry, if I turn myself into a rock. If I can just laugh in her face and make her see that all the hurt, all the damage, all the pain is finally healing, no thanks to her, will I see clearer? Can I get in and get out without too much trouble? I'm considering the fact that it could be the thought of my dad that keeps me from getting angry. There is no time to think about this. I have to go in, do whatever I end up doing and pray for the best. Somehow it's like a sick improv game...one without such hilarious outcomes. I can't bear to come away from this event with even more emotional damage to my name. I never thought about how I really turned out until yesterday...or was it today...? I can't remember. I thought I was okay. I thought I turned out so perfect, without all the emotional shit that went along with abuse. I don't know how to get angry. I mean, anger isn't an unknown dimension to me, but I don't know how to get angry without feeling guilty. I'm afraid that if I get angry, someone might hurt me for saying whatever I want. I'm so screwed up and so lost, that I'm afraid it's too late to start healing. How am I supposed to know if I'm really getting better or just tricking myself into believing I am? Am I driving myself insane?