My neighbour, Kelly the Crackwhore
- Thread starter montrealgirl
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au_man said:I was as gentle as I could be... I used a tissue instead of a fly swatter...
i don't think it matters to the bug now, dear
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au_man said:Nope but it might matter to your bewbies since it was crawling on you...
I thought I was being your Knight in Shining Armor....
awww....how sweet
OceanGoddess
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Hey MG . . .hope you are well! Sending you positive energy from here.
montrealgirl
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Crackwhore Analogies
I arrive home last Friday night after a long week of work and school and suddenly remember, "ah, it's garbage day!" I quickly empty the waste baskets around my apartment, and head out the back door to put my garbage bag outside in the back alley for pick-up.
On my way back inside I hear a faint and slightly hesitant voice calling my name. I turn, look back outside and suddenly find myself face to face with your and my favourite Crackwhore, Kelly. She is dressed in a pair of black 3/4 length tights (which are a little baggy because she is so thin), and a black T-shirt. Her heavily-circled black eyeliner completes this beautiful ensemble worthy of Project Runway.
"Is this patio table yours?" she inquires.
"No, I thought it was yours. I used to have patio furniture but it was stolen a few years ago," I reply.
"Great, do you mind if I throw it out then?"
"Go right ahead, I never used it."
I then watch Kelly struggle with white plastic table as she carries it to the garbage pile. I offer to help, but she says she has lots of "energy" and doesn't require the aide. It is more fun to watch anyway, so secretly I am relieved. Plus, I really am tired.
After dazzling me with her strength and her need to clean, she then proceeds to tell me the story about how she almost died earlier that week on our very patio!
"I was sitting out here with my friend at my table when all of a sudden a piece of the foundation fell off and came crashing towards me. Thank god I moved my legs, or they would have been cut off! I was so scared, I ran inside my apartment as fast as a dirty shirt."
I stare and her thinking, "what the fuck is this Crackwhore talking about?" Instead of verbalizing my curiosity, I instead nod and say, "wow, that must have been scary, thank god you are such a quick thinker."
Her reponse?
"Wow, I love your glasses. And your jacket is so nice!"
She has some trouble with her attention span.
As promised, I managed to take the opportunity to ask a few questions - for you, the KtCW fans.
"So Kelly, is your family in Montreal?"
"Yes, my brother, Mike, lives here."
"Do you have any children?"
"God NO!"
I must get an audio of her laugh. It is so loud for someone so small. It's loud and a tad scary. After hearing her laugh, I wanted to get away from her, as fast as a dirty shirt.
I arrive home last Friday night after a long week of work and school and suddenly remember, "ah, it's garbage day!" I quickly empty the waste baskets around my apartment, and head out the back door to put my garbage bag outside in the back alley for pick-up.
On my way back inside I hear a faint and slightly hesitant voice calling my name. I turn, look back outside and suddenly find myself face to face with your and my favourite Crackwhore, Kelly. She is dressed in a pair of black 3/4 length tights (which are a little baggy because she is so thin), and a black T-shirt. Her heavily-circled black eyeliner completes this beautiful ensemble worthy of Project Runway.
"Is this patio table yours?" she inquires.
"No, I thought it was yours. I used to have patio furniture but it was stolen a few years ago," I reply.
"Great, do you mind if I throw it out then?"
"Go right ahead, I never used it."
I then watch Kelly struggle with white plastic table as she carries it to the garbage pile. I offer to help, but she says she has lots of "energy" and doesn't require the aide. It is more fun to watch anyway, so secretly I am relieved. Plus, I really am tired.
After dazzling me with her strength and her need to clean, she then proceeds to tell me the story about how she almost died earlier that week on our very patio!
"I was sitting out here with my friend at my table when all of a sudden a piece of the foundation fell off and came crashing towards me. Thank god I moved my legs, or they would have been cut off! I was so scared, I ran inside my apartment as fast as a dirty shirt."
I stare and her thinking, "what the fuck is this Crackwhore talking about?" Instead of verbalizing my curiosity, I instead nod and say, "wow, that must have been scary, thank god you are such a quick thinker."
Her reponse?
"Wow, I love your glasses. And your jacket is so nice!"
She has some trouble with her attention span.
As promised, I managed to take the opportunity to ask a few questions - for you, the KtCW fans.
"So Kelly, is your family in Montreal?"
"Yes, my brother, Mike, lives here."
"Do you have any children?"
"God NO!"
I must get an audio of her laugh. It is so loud for someone so small. It's loud and a tad scary. After hearing her laugh, I wanted to get away from her, as fast as a dirty shirt.
BlueATHeart
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adutihl said:OK, I have to admit that every time Kelly's laminé lingerie gets mentioned, my brain goes, hmm, that sounds so very much like some word I know, but I really have no idea what "laminé" is ...
So I finally googled it
But what about the Laminé?, I hear you cry. (At least, I hear you crying for some reason or another -- I'll just assume it's because I haven't got to the Laminé part yet.) Laminé is an elegant, understated fabric (link to a colour swatch). The website has an example of the wonders that can be accomplished with this miracle fabric:
http://www.rosebrand.com/upload/port/ACFDD.jpg
Like I said, demure and discreet.
One thing worries me, though: the technical specs say that Laminé comes in rolls, that it's 44 inches wide ... and it's NFR. As in "Not Flame Retardant". One stray ash, one mishandled lighter, one dropped crack pipe, and our beloved Kelly could go up in flame *shudder* (I bet she'd light up the neighbourhood for a week, like those coal mine fires that just keep burning and burning and burning ....)
A du Tihl
My computer moniter is now covered in coke (of the caffinated liquid variety...just for clarification purposes!)
And I just spent 90minutes reading this entire thread, THANK YOU!
*subcribed and I WILL be back
*
montrealgirl
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Thank goodness for my mrtnmoon - always able to view the situation from many angles.mrtnmoon said:I guess that all depends.... would you prefer to be coy and/or subtle, or do you prefer "damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead"? all appearances and assumptions aside, do we really know for the fact that kelly is indeed a crackwhore? establishing that should be the first order of business...
subtle: "speaking of professional wrestlers turned actors, I really like The Rock..... do you?"
a little less subtle: "rock is an interesting word, don't you think? noun, verb, adjective, all depending on how you use it. it can be music, it can be a wrestler (ed. note* ok, I watched walking tall last week, sue me
damn the torpedoes: "so, do you fuck and suck for crack, or what?!"
I think we will go with the "less subtle" style. Problem is, questions do have to be brief and to the point because of Kelly's lack of attention span.
montrealgirl
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LOL - love it. And you're post on lamine - you rock.adutihl said:Maybe you should work up to those, start her off easy -- I'm wondering about her answer to your asking her "How many fingers am I holding up?"
montrealgirl
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I've been invited to join her anytime on her patio set - I'll take a photo tomorrow morning so you can get a better visual - or use it anytime I like with my friends.borg3of4 said:
It will be a most entertaining summer.
montrealgirl
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I haven't seen you around for ever OG - hope you are well.OceanGoddess said:
montrealgirl
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Thanks au_man and to MSL for bumping this thread - helping others enjoy all things cracky and whorey during the long interludes between KtCW sightings.au_man said:Thanks for the update.... LMAO!
Good to have you back MG...
mrtnmoon
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yes.... as I was reading your update (really good to see that, by the way... welcome back) I noticed that. I even began to ponder something... maybe our little kelly isn't on crack at all... maybe she's just severely ADD/ADHD.montrealgirl said:
as a way of testing this theory.... do you know anyone in pharmaceuticals? the legal kind, I mean... altho if you do and they gave you some I guess that would make them illegal, but whatever. do you have any way to get your hands on some ritalin? that's what I was getting to....
invite ol' kel over for some iced tea. (we don't want any alcohol affecting the experiment) she'll have no way of knowing that you've spiked hers with a little ritalin. just go very easy on the dosage, since she's so thin. try carrying on a conversation with her. about anything.... content isn't important for our purposes. just pay attention to her demeanor. if she gets more coherent with each sip of tea, I think we have have just solved her problem.
who knows... we may even set her life path on a different course.
nahhh....
that wouldn't be nearly as much fun as hearing about a summer of cracking and whoring.
by the way.... as fast as a dirty shirt.... is that a canadian expression, or possibly an example of some crackwhore jargon? as the summer goes along, are we going to need an earth-to-crackwhore dictionary?
JagFarlane
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ROTFLMAO...gawd ran across this thread today and was so "addicted" I just had to keep reading to find out what happens to our fav crack whore!
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thanks so much for the update MG....we missed you!
Way too funny
I've read the forums for a while, but just started posting. You stories about Kelly are just too funny, and yet so familiar, I used to live in NDG and had similar experiences with a neighbor. Montreal is a great city and full of interesting characters.
Hiredgun1
I've read the forums for a while, but just started posting. You stories about Kelly are just too funny, and yet so familiar, I used to live in NDG and had similar experiences with a neighbor. Montreal is a great city and full of interesting characters.
Hiredgun1
Batman4ever71
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Thank GAWD your back MG....had us worried!!! We missed you. X12
Batman
X12Batman
ratatoskov
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can hardly wait to see the picts
glad to see you back
mike
glad to see you back
mike
lostinjapan
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What does that mean, "as fast as a dirty shirt?"
mrtnmoon
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I asked that, too... well, sort of. still waiting for the answer.lostinjapan said:
"by the way.... as fast as a dirty shirt.... is that a canadian expression, or possibly an example of some crackwhore jargon? as the summer goes along, are we going to need an earth-to-crackwhore dictionary?"
lostinjapan
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It makes no sense to me, that's for sure. It would have made sense if she had said, "as quickly as I remove my shirts." And from the image I have created, all her shirts are probably pretty dirty.mrtnmoon said:
mrtnmoon
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right. I wouldn't doubt that those shirts have a lot of stains in common with a dress worn by a certain presidential intern awhile back... among other things....lostinjapan said:
hmmmm... wonder if kelly's last name happens to be lewinski?
