Possibility

[JadeMystery]

This is a poem I wrote about someone I met and really connected with, but had some of his own baggage he needed to deal with, and some decisions to make. I wrote this to illustrate what could be. I'd love to get some feedback on it.




Possiblity,
As unending as the ocean,
And vaster than the sky,
Is how I see the possiblity,
Between you and I,
Like a silent thought unspoken
No less heard for words unsaid,
Our story has a happy ending,
But the book's as yet unread,
And that leads us to the question,
Will it ever be begun,
Or is it doomed to sit in silence,
Its voice not heard by anyone,
And what a shame,
If that should be,
The outcome of all this,
If our book with all its love,
For good unopened sits,
The beauty of our story,
Forever to be missed,

I'll put the book on my heart's shelf,
You'll do the same with yours,
And sometimes we'll remember,
That happy ending could be ours,
But never at the same time,
Do we recall its there,
One of us always caught up,
In our own affairs,
We'll always be left to wonder,
On what we know could have been,
And go through our lives,
With eachother's feelings,
Having never been washed clean,
But my dear remember,
That's but one possibility.

As unending as the ocean,
And vaster than the sky,
Is how I see the possibility,
Between you and I,
Like a silent thought unspoken,
No less heard for words unsaid,
But think of what could happen,
If we open the book instead,
Our story has a happy ending,
This much we both know,
And a future loving eachother,
Is what we both need to grow,
I'll learn to care for only you,
With everything I am,
And you'll give me the strength and love,
That I need from my man,
We'll build a life together,
Leaving nothing to regret,
We'll embark on life's adventure,
And all past pain we will forget,
I'll learn how to touch you,
And you'll learn to make me melt,
Our passion will be more profound,
Than anything we've ever felt,
Imagination cannot approach,
What is written in our book,
The only way to experience it,
Is to open it and look,
To never put it on a shelf,
But keep it always close at hand,
And journey through its pages,
For all our lives,
Hand in hand.

 

[champagne1982]

Hi Jade,

Wonderful theme, beautiful sentiment, too long a poem.

This is my opinion only and any advice I offer is yours to do with as you see fit. It is a gift and as such is no longer owned by me.

I feel you've concentrated too hard on making your poem sound poetic. You've fallen in love with cliché expressions and depended on those words too heavily in your poem. I suggest you use the idea of the phrase to build a new view that says the same thing, but in a way that is uniquely your voice.

Let's take the flicker of possibility
and place it by the pane,
a candle shining to remind
of things that may have been​

Limit repetition, you write nearly identical lines over again in your poem.

Be careful of using popular themes. I've read the book metaphor almost too many times in several poems, experienced poets can carry it off and make it fresh. The way they manage that trick is to find a new way of using it without letting their reading audience know that it's really the same old thing.

Distill the essence of what you want to say. By the end of the poem I've forgotten about the book of possibilities and moved into reading a vow of what is definite. Maybe there are two poems here rather than one.

I enjoyed reading your poem. It's sweet and mushy, like a good dessert, but like a good dessert it shouldn't be the entire meal either.

I think, with a bit of effort on your part, since you seem to have life experience and imagination, you could really freshen this metaphor and get back one, if not two fine poems, that will send your message loud and clear to your Mr Maybe-You're-THE-One.

Thanks for sharing your work and good luck.