first story, looking for feedback.

[Nightscream89]

Hi everyone,

My first story got published today.
It's the first story for my series 'The Gentlemen's Club'

It's pretty vanilla and not too long, but it's sort of an introduction to the series.

It's my first time writing erotica and my first time writing in English. (Not my native language.)

I would love it if you could give me some feedback, so I can improve my writing.

https://www.literotica.com/s/gc-ch-01-retirement

I hope you all enjoy it.

 

[TheWritingGroup]

Well, since you asked.

Thanks for an excuse to stop working for a bit.

Have you looked here? https://www.literotica.com/resources/writer-resources Good stuff all over that list.

I think your idea for the series, the plot and characters, works (as far as I can tell from Chapter One).

I was a reader for a long time before I started writing here. Seeing your story from that angle, I have to say that "GC" is not a very memorable, or understandable, series title. I'd have to read down a full screen to find out what it stands for.

Speaking of ... one thing that I learned by writing and reading (not just here) is the motto "in late, out early". There's a tendency for writers to include a lot of material at the beginning and end of their stories that doesn't give the reader enough enjoyment to justify the longer length. Ask yourself: does the whole intro with Chris and Sylvia's biography contribute? If that information is needed in future chapters, you can sneak it in later in dialogue.

In writing, there is the concept of a "narrative hook", something at the very beginning of the story that draws the readers in and makes them want to read more. Think of Jane Austen's "It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife," or Ian Fleming's opening to Casino Royale: "The scent and smoke and sweat of a casino are nauseating at three in the morning. Then the soul-erosion produced by high gambling - a compost of greed and fear and nervous tension - becomes unbearable and the senses awake and revolt from it."

The other thing ... you wrote in present tense. It is certainly possible to create a good story in present, but it's hard. I've never been brave enough to even really try.

Jennifer ends up in Chris's bed, right?

-Rocco

 

[Nightscream89]

Thank you so much for your time and feedback!

Have you looked here? https://www.literotica.com/resources/writer-resources Good stuff all over that list.

I hadn't seen all the resources there thank you for pointing it out. I will definately use those in the future!

I was a reader for a long time before I started writing here. Seeing your story from that angle, I have to say that "GC" is not a very memorable, or understandable, series title. I'd have to read down a full screen to find out what it stands for.

Yeah, I wanted to put "The Gentlemen's club" in stead of GC in the title, but then it would've been too long. I am added it into a series with the feature, but I had to add 1 published story before I could start a series. That request is now pending.
So soon it should be series: "The Gentlemen's club." then in that series "GC Ch. 01: Retirement"
I hope that will make it a little more clear.

Speaking of ... one thing that I learned by writing and reading (not just here) is the motto "in late, out early". There's a tendency for writers to include a lot of material at the beginning and end of their stories that doesn't give the reader enough enjoyment to justify the longer length. Ask yourself: does the whole intro with Chris and Sylvia's biography contribute? If that information is needed in future chapters, you can sneak it in later in dialogue.

To be honest I wrote that later on because I really wanted that information in the chapter, but couldn't really find a better way to include it. I did thought of the idea of having a sex scene with a 25yo Chris and a then pregnant Silvia. But for some reason that felt to me like a climax before even starting, now I'm wondering if that would have been a better choice. The main parts I think were crucial for the dynamic are that Silvia was sort of 'saved' by Chris before they started dating and that Lucy is his Step-Daughter who he basically raised from birth.

Chapter 2 still has a bit of a long build up, but it's more dialogue and less me telling the reader the information. (Allso, non-sexual build up will be about just as long, but the chapter in it's entirety will be at least twice as long as Chapter 1.) From chapter 3 onwards I will definitely put less build up at the start.

The other thing ... you wrote in present tense. It is certainly possible to create a good story in present, but it's hard. I've never been brave enough to even really try.

For some reason I have always written in present tense. I don't really know why, it just feels more natural to me. But I do have to say, the other stories were in Dutch and fantasy (not erotic). Always when I tried writing in past tense, I would end up with half present tense, half past tense.

Jennifer ends up in Chris's bed, right?

Well, who know? You need to read following chapters for that, I did leave a bit of a hint in chapter 1 for something that will happen in chapter 2.

Again thank you so much for the feedback! I will absolutely take your feedback with me to improve!

 

[Perfideous]

Well I too am not a fan of writing in the present tense.

Looking at your story You have an introduction but then tell us the story starts when Chris has retired at the tender age of 44. So why have the introduction 18 years before that?
I hate flash backs or leaps forward. Start at the start and go forward from there.

We are offered the prospect of a visit to a "Gentlemen's Club" but this never actually happens instead we have intercourse between a married couple.

I struggle to get terribly excited by that.

You are on an absolute winner with a BDSM club as a concept- if you want to pursue that.

 

[Nightscream89]

Well I too am not a fan of writing in the present tense.

Looking at your story You have an introduction but then tell us the story starts when Chris has retired at the tender age of 44. So why have the introduction 18 years before that?
I hate flash backs or leaps forward. Start at the start and go forward from there.

We are offered the prospect of a visit to a "Gentlemen's Club" but this never actually happens instead we have intercourse between a married couple.

I struggle to get terribly excited by that.

You are on an absolute winner with a BDSM club as a concept- if you want to pursue that.

Thank you for your feedback.
Yeah I realized I made a mistake by opening with that information. I don't know if it's worth it to edit the story and write that information in a different way. (Maybe adding some of it in when his step-daughter and later his wife are introduced?)

I don't now if it's a big hassle on this site to edit published stories?

I looked a bit into present tense writing since TheWritingGroup's comment and I think I wite like that because I am very visual. I visualize what I want to happen and then it just comes out in present tense. I could try writing in past tense but I think it would be weird to change it mid series?

I was planning on doing a part of the club in chapter one, but then I thought it would become too long if I added that into chapter 1, so I submitted it like this. Then I found out the chapter is actually pretty short.
But I now finished chapter 2 which I would have had to include in it's entirety in that case and it's over 3 times the length of chapter 1. (Chapter 1 is 2754 words, Chapter 2 in it's first version is 9127 words) So I think all of that in 1 chapter would've been too long.

From Chapter 2 onwards the story will be heavily focused on the Club. It's not neccesarily a BDSM-club, but BDSM is certainly available and there will be some BDSM in the future of the series. The story will go into swinging, male dominant/female submissive heavily. Chapter 2 will be a big introduction to the club but there will be more sexual content as well. The story will definately be a slower burn, every chapter characters will take new steps towards being open sexually.

 

[TheWritingGroup]

Honestly, from what you write, I'd just start with Chapter 2. You can use the material that is now Chapter 1 later, when your characters are talking about (or thinking about) their motives. That's just me. We all write differently.

It's not hard to edit a published story, but it's slow. You can submit a changed version to the site, but edits get the lowest priority and can take over a month to actually appear on the site.

https://www.literotica.com/faq/publishing/editing-published-work

-Rocco

 

[Nightscream89]

Honestly, from what you write, I'd just start with Chapter 2. You can use the material that is now Chapter 1 later, when your characters are talking about (or thinking about) their motives. That's just me. We all write differently.

It's not hard to edit a published story, but it's slow. You can submit a changed version to the site, but edits get the lowest priority and can take over a month to actually appear on the site.

https://www.literotica.com/faq/publishing/editing-published-work

-Rocco

I think for now I will leave it as is and just go forward with the story. I always intended to grow as a writer going through this story, and I still have alot to learn. So after having thought about it, I think if I start editing what I have already published I will keep editing because I will keep on learning. Maybe after I am further along I will review and edit everything in one go when I learned more.


On a different note, I have a question about genre. I posted the first part in Loving Wives, but I really think that was a mistake looking back, I just read swinging in the description of loving wifes and went for it since the story is heavily on swinging. But now I realise chapter 1 was more erotic coupling.

Now for the rest of the story, alot of scenes will be in a group setting. I noticed that group sex genre also mentions swinging in the description. So would it be better to keep posting in Loving Wives? Or to post future chapters in Group Sex?

(I also read that the loving wives catagory gets alot of hatefull comments?)

 

[lovecraft68]

Have today off, and seeing its short, I gave it a go. I left a comment as well

Not a bad start, it has potential. I can buy someone who was so successful early on deciding he needs 'the next thing' and that thing being something more sexually adventurous.

I like the fact that how he started with his wife portrays him as someone who is moral and compassionate as opposed to the tiresome "Gray" Billionaire sexual predator type.

The last lines make this for me. This doesn't seem to be heading for any type of humiliated cuck angle, they seem a loving couple who are willing to be somewhat adventurous so more a swinger set up than a hotwife cuck, at least for now.

On that note, ignore the insecure LW trolls here who will start crying about things that have not yet happened.

One last observation, the missing business card. Who has it, the daughter or the daughter's friend? Hmmm?

Now to where I think you need some work. The intro of "this is what happened before" was a bit clunky, like a voice over to a serial style show. This could have been done as he sat at his desk for the last time, looking at a picture of his wife and in his voice.

There were a couple other spots where it seemed to border on fourth wall breaking "Lucy is...." and then you get back to the story as if its a show and the character freezes and a voice tells me who she is. You'll get a better flow with you keeping the POV straight and not trying to go 'voiceover' which isn't an official writing term, just how I feel it.

But overall, a solid first effort. Enough so that I'll watch for the next chapter.

 

[Nightscream89]

Now to where I think you need some work. The intro of "this is what happened before" was a bit clunky, like a voice over to a serial style show. This could have been done as he sat at his desk for the last time, looking at a picture of his wife and in his voice.

That is such a great idea, and now I hate that I didn't think of that. haha

It definitely won't go towards cuckolding (well he might cuck someone else later on, but the MC won't become a cuck), more sharing and experiencing new things together.

This is also why I asked if it would be better to upload to Group Sex rather than LW, since the story honestly fits both. Most sex-scenes will be in group setting, but they will both have sex with other people.

What would you advise me? Stick with LW or post the other chapters in Group Sex?

I already finised chapter 2, probably submitting it today. (It is allso nearly 4 times the length of chapter 1)
Just really having doubts about 1 detail in a scene and of course what catagory I should submit it in.

P.S. I love that you ask the question about the business card. That was exactly what I wanted to achieve with that detail.

 

[lovecraft68]

The card jumped right out at me. I plant seeds like that, so I pick up on them. Seems a lot of people gloss over things like that, then will look back and be like "Damn, missed it!"

As where to put it?

That's not easily answered. It would fit in group, and advantage there is a friendlier audience.

But it also very much fits in Loving wives, especially seeing all that happens is consensual between them and there is no humiliation of either from the other.
However, LW is a tough category. There are factions there that are weird moralists and can't stand infidelity-even though this is not infidelity as they're both willing-but logic holds no reason for these people. Meaning you'll get some abuse, but not as much as an outright cuck tale.

You need to think on which do you want?

LW-more views, votes, comments and attention, but some of all of that will be negative
Group, less attention, but more receptive attention.

Sorry there is no definitive answer other than what you value more, attention or 'peace' LOL.

 

[John Connors]

You are a braver soul than most by posting your first story in the Loving Wives section.

 

[Deadfreak]

The card jumped right out at me. I plant seeds like that, so I pick up on them. Seems a lot of people gloss over things like that, then will look back and be like "Damn, missed it!"

As where to put it?

That's not easily answered. It would fit in group, and advantage there is a friendlier audience.

But it also very much fits in Loving wives, especially seeing all that happens is consensual between them and there is no humiliation of either from the other.
However, LW is a tough category. There are factions there that are weird moralists and can't stand infidelity-even though this is not infidelity as they're both willing-but logic holds no reason for these people. Meaning you'll get some abuse, but not as much as an outright cuck tale.

You need to think on which do you want?

LW-more views, votes, comments and attention, but some of all of that will be negative
Group, less attention, but more receptive attention.

Sorry there is no definitive answer other than what you value more, attention or 'peace' LOL.

Sucks you authors have to think about marketing too
Appreciate all of the efforts and attention to detail

 

[lovecraft68]

Sucks you authors have to think about marketing too
Appreciate all of the efforts and attention to detail

Heh....yeah, it shouldn't be complicated, but sometimes it is.

 

[Nightscream89]

The card jumped right out at me. I plant seeds like that, so I pick up on them. Seems a lot of people gloss over things like that, then will look back and be like "Damn, missed it!"

As where to put it?

That's not easily answered. It would fit in group, and advantage there is a friendlier audience.

But it also very much fits in Loving wives, especially seeing all that happens is consensual between them and there is no humiliation of either from the other.
However, LW is a tough category. There are factions there that are weird moralists and can't stand infidelity-even though this is not infidelity as they're both willing-but logic holds no reason for these people. Meaning you'll get some abuse, but not as much as an outright cuck tale.

You need to think on which do you want?

LW-more views, votes, comments and attention, but some of all of that will be negative
Group, less attention, but more receptive attention.

Sorry there is no definitive answer other than what you value more, attention or 'peace' LOL.

Thank you so much for all the feedback!

I think I'll post chapter 2 at least in group. Some people started following me already, so I'll at least get some readers. And I think Chapter 2 fits group really well.

If I don't like it I could always post in LW from chapter 3 onwards again.

1 final question, would you be interested in proofreading a scene for me? I do have to say, it will spoil alot of chapter 2 if you do.
But there is 1 part of the scene that I think will be a selling point, but I kinda doubt if it fits Chris's dominant yet caring personality.

It's 3 paragraphs and 2 lines of dialogue, I could send it in a private message.

 

[lovecraft68]

Thank you so much for all the feedback!

I think I'll post chapter 2 at least in group. Some people started following me already, so I'll at least get some readers. And I think Chapter 2 fits group really well.

If I don't like it I could always post in LW from chapter 3 onwards again.

1 final question, would you be interested in proofreading a scene for me? I do have to say, it will spoil alot of chapter 2 if you do.
But there is 1 part of the scene that I think will be a selling point, but I kinda doubt if it fits Chris's dominant yet caring personality.

It's 3 paragraphs and 2 lines of dialogue, I could send it in a private message.

If its that short, I can take a look. Be warned grammar is not my strong suit, but I can do what I can.

 

[HaralLuhhan]

Good luck with your story. I tried getting a couple of editors to look at it but no response. I'm thinking of just posting it and seeing what happens.

 

[Nightscream89]

Good luck with your story. I tried getting a couple of editors to look at it but no response. I'm thinking of just posting it and seeing what happens.

That's basically what I did with chapter 1. The editors seem pretty busy already.

You can ask for feedback on a couple of paragraphs on the forums though, will probably get more response and you can apply the feedback to the rest of the story yourself.

 

[HaralLuhhan]

That's basically what I did with chapter 1. The editors seem pretty busy already.

You can ask for feedback on a couple of paragraphs on the forums though, will probably get more response and you can apply the feedback to the rest of the story yourself.

Yeah I actually have a thread doing just that Lots of people have given me good advice including Lovecraft above.

By the way, this isnt really a review or feedback. Just personal preference but a story in present tense just puts me off. I'll have to try reading it later

 

[Nightscream89]

Yeah I actually have a thread doing just that Lots of people have given me good advice including Lovecraft above.

By the way, this isnt really a review or feedback. Just personal preference but a story in present tense just puts me off. I'll have to try reading it later

Yeah, sorry. There are more people who said that they don't like present tense.
I have just always written in present tense, so it's what I'm most comfortable with, so I am sticking with that for now.

 

[HaralLuhhan]

Yeah, sorry. There are more people who said that they don't like present tense.
I have just always written in present tense, so it's what I'm most comfortable with, so I am sticking with that for now.

Sure, if that's what works for you

 

[HaralLuhhan]

I just put my story through Grammarly and it found a bunch of stuff. I tried it on your first page, and it found a bunch in yours too. Worth trying I think.

It's a free download, although some suggestions are premium only, all corrections are included.

 

[Nightscream89]

https://www.literotica.com/s/gc-ch-02-the-club

Chapter 2 has just been published.

Again feedback is very appreciated! I am already working on chapter 3.

 

[Nightscream89]

https://www.literotica.com/s/gc-ch-03-twins

Chapter 3 is out. Feedback is appreciated.

 

[Nightscream89]

https://www.literotica.com/s/gc-ch-03-5-best-friends
Chapter 3.5 came out a while ago

https://www.literotica.com/s/gc-ch-04-chris
Chapter 4 came out today.

I am a bit dry on comments and feedback, so would really appreciate to read some of you guys's opinions on how the story is going and if you guys like the story.

Also any feedback is greatly appreciated!