1st story published

[badnews79]

My 1st story has been published and i am looking for a little feed back. I didn't do well at school and in the 30 years since I left i have tried to improve myself.
Writing smut isn't how i saw myself improving my language skills, but enjoy reading it and i had a story idea in my head.

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-club-pt-01-9

my main points of feed back I am looking for is fleshing out the story a little. I get bored with story's that have a little to many pages of story but i realise a need for it.
maybe you think it's fine? maybe you think it needs fleshing out a little. i also struggled with dialogue so any tips and feed back on that would be appreciated

 

[StillStunned]

Congratulations! It's a wonderful hobby, if a little strange sometimes.

To review your story: it's not my genre, so I'm not going to comment on the story itself. I do have a suggestion writing-wise: slow it all down.

You begin with a lot of information, and essentially you're asking your reader to care about your story and your characters without telling them why. The easiest way to do that is to present a situation, or some dialogue, that hooks the reader. Begin by describing Amanda getting ready to go out, for example, and looking so hot it makes the narrator drool. Then drip-feed the backstory in, slow and steady, while your reader gets a feel for the characters and is drawn in. And describing a hot woman in a sexy dress is always a good way to do that.

Then, when you're describing things, take about three times as long as you think it should be. Slowly, slowly. Like chewing on a hard toffee. Savour it. The longer you take, the more you'll draw in your reader, and the more they'll enjoy it. Add details of touch, scent, warmth, how those all make your narrator feel. Write like you're making love to your wife on a lazy Sunday morning. Take your time to excite your reader, and build up the pressure until they can't stand it anymore and are ready to explode.

And most of all, take any advice you get here with healthy scepticism. Find out what works for you, and don't feel obliged to do what people say. It's your hobby, so enjoy it your way!

 

[AG31]

My 1st story has been published and i am looking for a little feed back. I didn't do well at school and in the 30 years since I left i have tried to improve myself.
Writing smut isn't how i saw myself improving my language skills, but enjoy reading it and i had a story idea in my head.

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-club-pt-01-9

my main points of feed back I am looking for is fleshing out the story a little. I get bored with story's that have a little to many pages of story but i realise a need for it.
maybe you think it's fine? maybe you think it needs fleshing out a little. i also struggled with dialogue so any tips and feed back on that would be appreciated

I could have told you from the get-go that I wouldn't want you to flesh it out. But I read it, and I still don't want you to. But I'm a rare bird. I think attention to writing can co-exist with pure sex as content. See my post about "simple erotica," and look at the conversations in the Suzie-Q thread about stories that "start out as a masturbation fantasy." I think it's hard to be successful with a story that starts out as a masturbation fantasy (and I'm not saying that yours did, but it might have) and then gets "fleshed out." Either the story is the thing, and the sex fits in organically, or the sex is the thing and can stand alone, albeit compellingly described.

 

[StillStunned]

I could have told you from the get-go that I wouldn't want you to flesh it out. But I read it, and I still don't want you to. But I'm a rare bird. I think attention to writing can co-exist with pure sex as content. See my post about "simple erotica," and look at the conversations in the Suzie-Q thread about stories that "start out as a masturbation fantasy." I think it's hard to be successful with a story that starts out as a masturbation fantasy (and I'm not saying that yours did, but it might have) and then gets "fleshed out." Either the story is the thing, and the sex fits in organically, or the sex is the thing and can stand alone, albeit compellingly described.

Even for just a sex scene, you can take your time. Like I mentioned above, treat your writing like sex. The longer the build-up, the bigger the explosion.

For instance, from my own work:
Angry Fuck - A Vignette Two people have an angry fuck. Beyond setting the mood, it's just sex.
Closeness Two people have to maintain physical distance. Beyond setting the scene, it's just sex.

And so on. You need to provide the readers with some parameters to enjoy the sex scene, and then you have to do the sex scene justice.

(Again, just my personal opinion and preference.)

 

[8letters]

You have a low rating on the story, but:
* LW stories get low ratings
* Stories without sex get low ratings
* Short stories get low ratings

I'm not a LW reader, but I picture this as the start of a typical LW story. Amanda has great times going dancing with Jenny, obviously dancing with guys the husband doesn't know. Jenny is getting fucked by two guys with huge cocks. The husband is a great guy who is almost completely passive in the story. Eventually, Jenny will convince Amanda to let one of the guys fucking her to fuck Amanda. Husband finds out and is sad. The end.

 

[badnews79]

You have a low rating on the story, but:
* LW stories get low ratings
* Stories without sex get low ratings
* Short stories get low ratings

I'm not a LW reader, but I picture this as the start of a typical LW story. Amanda has great times going dancing with Jenny, obviously dancing with guys the husband doesn't know. Jenny is getting fucked by two guys with huge cocks. The husband is a great guy who is almost completely passive in the story. Eventually, Jenny will convince Amanda to let one of the guys fucking her to fuck Amanda. Husband finds out and is sad. The end.

i'm sorry what's "LW" ?

 

[badnews79]

Congratulations! It's a wonderful hobby, if a little strange sometimes.

To review your story: it's not my genre, so I'm not going to comment on the story itself. I do have a suggestion writing-wise: slow it all down.

You begin with a lot of information, and essentially you're asking your reader to care about your story and your characters without telling them why. The easiest way to do that is to present a situation, or some dialogue, that hooks the reader. Begin by describing Amanda getting ready to go out, for example, and looking so hot it makes the narrator drool. Then drip-feed the backstory in, slow and steady, while your reader gets a feel for the characters and is drawn in. And describing a hot woman in a sexy dress is always a good way to do that.

Then, when you're describing things, take about three times as long as you think it should be. Slowly, slowly. Like chewing on a hard toffee. Savour it. The longer you take, the more you'll draw in your reader, and the more they'll enjoy it. Add details of touch, scent, warmth, how those all make your narrator feel. Write like you're making love to your wife on a lazy Sunday morning. Take your time to excite your reader, and build up the pressure until they can't stand it anymore and are ready to explode.

And most of all, take any advice you get here with healthy scepticism. Find out what works for you, and don't feel obliged to do what people say. It's your hobby, so enjoy it your way!

Thanks for the advice, really well put. (loved the metaphor)
I'm not sure if i am creative enough to add great story but padding it out a little with some more details and description might help. I guess it is like most things and will get better with practice.
I see you have writen some sci-fi stuff, i don't usually read sci-fi erotica but it is my favourit genre of film and books.
i will have a look through them and see if i can pick up some tips.

having said that i did have an idea for a Sci-fi story but TBH i think it might be a little cleché even for here!

 

[badnews79]

I could have told you from the get-go that I wouldn't want you to flesh it out. But I read it, and I still don't want you to. But I'm a rare bird. I think attention to writing can co-exist with pure sex as content. See my post about "simple erotica," and look at the conversations in the Suzie-Q thread about stories that "start out as a masturbation fantasy." I think it's hard to be successful with a story that starts out as a masturbation fantasy (and I'm not saying that yours did, but it might have) and then gets "fleshed out." Either the story is the thing, and the sex fits in organically, or the sex is the thing and can stand alone, albeit compellingly described.

I had a quick read of the simple erotica threads.
yeah i write smut, I'm not here to write a novel. i have writen what i want to read.
I grew up reading the stories and letters in the back of porno mags and "forum" magazine, this is my preferred style to read and also write.
I am pretty unapologetic about that

i am glad there are others who share that view, i have been reading stories here since the early 2000's but have only just decided to post and engage so i know nothing about community preferences or views.

 

[badnews79]

You have a low rating on the story, but:
* LW stories get low ratings
* Stories without sex get low ratings
* Short stories get low ratings

I'm not a LW reader, but I picture this as the start of a typical LW story. Amanda has great times going dancing with Jenny, obviously dancing with guys the husband doesn't know. Jenny is getting fucked by two guys with huge cocks. The husband is a great guy who is almost completely passive in the story. Eventually, Jenny will convince Amanda to let one of the guys fucking her to fuck Amanda. Husband finds out and is sad. The end.

Dam it! now I have to re-write part 2

 

[StillStunned]

i'm sorry what's "LW" ?

Loving Wives, one of the most contentious categories here on Lit.

Thanks for the advice, really well put. (loved the metaphor)
I'm not sure if i am creative enough to add great story but padding it out a little with some more details and description might help. I guess it is like most things and will get better with practice.
I see you have writen some sci-fi stuff, i don't usually read sci-fi erotica but it is my favourit genre of film and books.
i will have a look through them and see if i can pick up some tips.

having said that i did have an idea for a Sci-fi story but TBH i think it might be a little cleché even for here!

Cliche is was Lit is all about! Try and count the "mother and son/brother and sister are forced to share a bed" stories. It's what you with that cliche that matters.

Don't worry about creative. Just keep layering on the descritptions. Smell your lover's skin, taste the sweat on her body, feel the shiver that runs through her, hear her breath catch, see her toes clench... and then do it all again, only two inches lower.

 

[AG31]

Angry Fuck - A Vignette Two people have an angry fuck. Beyond setting the mood, it's just sex.
Closeness Two people have to maintain physical distance. Beyond setting the scene, it's just sex.

Given all the energy I've put into climbing on my soapbox about "simple erotica," I'm surprised I hadn't bumped into these two great examples. It's not as if you haven't mentioned them here and there, just not in threads I was watching. Glad to see them! Well done!

 

[AG31]

Then, when you're describing things, take about three times as long as you think it should be. Slowly, slowly.

I could have told you from the get-go that I wouldn't want you to flesh it out.

These may seem contradictory, but I don't mean them to be. I was thinking of "flesh it out" as adding details extraneous to the sex (and I do count building up emotionally as not extraneous - see @StillStunned two stories). Simple erotica can be quite long, even novella or novel(Story of O) length. It just has to all be about sex.

Which doesn't mean you should be writing simple erotica. But it felt like you were going that way.

 

[StillStunned]

Given all the energy I've put into climbing on my soapbox about "simple erotica," I'm surprised I hadn't bumped into these two great examples. It's not as if you haven't mentioned them here and there, just not in threads I was watching. Glad to see them! Well done!

Thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed them! And thanks for leaving your comments on them, too.

I'm beginning to understand a little more about what you mean by "simple erotica". Lately I've been caught up in more narrative stories, but I still enjoy writing something like this when inspiration strikes. Just a set-up and the hottest possible sex scene.

 

[StillStunned]

@AG31 Your vote seems to have given "Angry Fuck" back its red H, so thanks for that, too!

 

[Gamblnluck]

I read your story. Fleshing out to me means adding detail. This story had enough detail and was interesting as such. However it stopped. I read your tags, mind control etc. I had to wonder where it was going. Was the woman just hot and horny because of her friend fucking big cocks and showing her? Or was there something hidden. Was she cheating. In other words, there has to be more of the story, like a part 2 that explains what got her revved up. Also is her husband not the least bit concerned there is FAR more to the story than he knows.
A really good LW story (unlike what a few on the forum here think) and one that is better received, is one where there is a bit of angst and then a fitting resolution. You led us up tot he point the your MC narrator is wondering. He has a small penis and sees his wife intrigued by the huge ones her GF is screwing. Any reasonable man would be wondering if his 15 yr marriage is about to be tanked.
of course there are some who would have him get excited and cum in his pants loving that his wife now wants these other guys.
You have to decide where you want it to go. You wrote a good lead in to a possibly good story. Now finish it.

 

[AG31]

I'm beginning to understand a little more about what you mean by "simple erotica"

Are you able to pin point how your understanding changed, so that I might be able to explain it better in the future?

 

[StillStunned]

Taking my two stories as a point of reference, it seems you don't exclude a minimum amount of build-up towards the sex. The characters are essentially blank, so where other stories would give characterisation of people, pure erotica gives characterisation of the reason for the sex.

Situation rather than (or to the exclusion of) emotion, I suppose, if that makes sense.

 

[badnews79]

I read your story. Fleshing out to me means adding detail. This story had enough detail and was interesting as such. However it stopped. I read your tags, mind control etc. I had to wonder where it was going. Was the woman just hot and horny because of her friend fucking big cocks and showing her? Or was there something hidden. Was she cheating. In other words, there has to be more of the story, like a part 2 that explains what got her revved up. Also is her husband not the least bit concerned there is FAR more to the story than he knows.
A really good LW story (unlike what a few on the forum here think) and one that is better received, is one where there is a bit of angst and then a fitting resolution. You led us up tot he point the your MC narrator is wondering. He has a small penis and sees his wife intrigued by the huge ones her GF is screwing. Any reasonable man would be wondering if his 15 yr marriage is about to be tanked.
of course there are some who would have him get excited and cum in his pants loving that his wife now wants these other guys.
You have to decide where you want it to go. You wrote a good lead in to a possibly good story. Now finish it.

Thanks for the feed back. Part 2 is finished I am just going through spelling and grammar checks.
I tried to leave hints about what had been happening to the wife and why she had been coming home horny, but it is explained in detail in part 2.

 

[badnews79]

part 2 has been published !

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-club-pt-02-8