characterization via dialogue---how'd I do?

[joy_of_cooking]

Could people read a few lines spoken by this Amber character and tell me what they would guess about her background? I tried to write her dialogue to convey a particular fact about her that's not explicitly stated anywhere in the text, and I'm wondering how well I'm getting that across.

"Joe, you ever get people that come to you all hot to talk, I don't know, calibers and angles and shit, when really they asking all the wrong questions? Like they don't have to kill anyone, they can just talk things over calm and quiet, but damn if you can convince them of that?"

"So you met a girl. You like her. She likes you. She a nice girl? Smart, not too crazy?"

"Yeah, I know, I just had to get you to say it. Now I'm going to tell you what a classy man such as yourself does when he starts feeling serious about a girl. Ready?"

"Sit down, Joe." Amber pinched the bridge of her nose. "You're not going to take no for an answer, are you?"

"All right." Amber sighed. "Let's talk angles and shit."

"You a weird man, Joe. Sweet as shit, considering, but fucking weird."

 

[Voyeurkenneth]

I can’t decipher her intent but based on her style of speaking, sounds like she’s street smart, perceptive, savvy? Doesn’t live life by the book.

 

[Not2Pervy]

She’s the hero of her own story. She thinks she’s been around, and feels like she’s smarter than most other people. Of course not enough here to say if that’s true. I’m thinking she’s a PI and this might be an entry in the Hammered challenge.

 

[THBGato]

Took me half a minute to realise that this is all Amber. I thought some of that dialogue was Joe.

I get street smart, knows her guns. It's quite vernacular.


There's a little inconsistency though:

"when really they asking all the wrong questions?"

"You a weird man, Joe."

"She a nice girl?"

Here you are missing out the verbs are and is. So, for consistency's sake, I feel you should also do it here:

"You're not going to take no for an answer, are you?"

 

[ElectricBlue]

There's some confusion as to whether it's a conversation between Amber and Joe, or a monologue from Amber. I think it's a monologue, but you need to tidy up your paragraph structure (that is, lose some para breaks) to make that clear.

He's a bit slow on the uptake, she's street-wise, been around a bit, knows what she wants.

 

[AG31]

Could people read a few lines spoken by this Amber character and tell me what they would guess about her background? I tried to write her dialogue to convey a particular fact about her that's not explicitly stated anywhere in the text, and I'm wondering how well I'm getting that across.

I was confused by the three separate paragraphs at the end. Or maybe the whole thing. Are these lines together in the story, or are they just pulled out in isolation? If the former, the paragraphing isn't helpful.

 

[NotWise]

I read it twice to convince myself that Joe's side of the conversation was left out.

I didn't come out with a lot of impressions of who Amber is. I came out with a couple impressions of what she isn't.

She isn't very refined.
She isn't very young.

 

[NotWise]

You've set yourself a pretty good challenge. I usually depend a lot on dialogue for characterization, but I went back through a few of my stories and tried to imagine how effective they would be if I extracted the setting, the action, and half the conversation. Can't say that I found any examples that work very well.

 

[intim8]

I'm guessing southern, urban. Probably white, but maybe not. Originally from a rural background or rural family, but has been in the city for quite a while. In her 30s.

 

[Kumquatqueen]

Is this all her talking?

My guess is New York Italian/mafia background? Someone's a bit interested in talking about angles and shooting.

I'm wondering about her relationship with Joe. Joe's got a new girl and our speaker doesn't approve of her?

 

[pink_silk_glove]

She's a hitman, an assassin. She's talking to another hitman/assassin named Joe.

 

[joy_of_cooking]

You've set yourself a pretty good challenge. I usually depend a lot on dialogue for characterization, but I went back through a few of my stories and tried to imagine how effective they would be if I extracted the setting, the action, and half the conversation. Can't say that I found any examples that work very well.

Okay, fair. I was worried about making people read too long a snippet. Here's the whole scene. For context, Joe is a middle-aged mafioso who has never had to perform cunnilingus because he's only ever slept with prostitutes. Amber is such a prostitute.

(Do people still say prostitute? I guess the polite term now is sex worker but that's quite a bit broader. We're in some sense all sex workers.)

I picked Amber up right after that. She didn't usually do out-call, but she knew I wasn't going to try anything. I brought her back to my place. I told her what I wanted.

Her jaw dropped.

"What?" I snapped. "Don't tell me it's the weirdest thing anyone's asked for."

Amber shook her head. "Honey."

I sat down next to her. I took her hands and turned on the charm. "I like her, Amber. Help a guy out here."

"Jesus, Joe." Her face softened. "You don't know the first thing about women, do you?"

"Sure I do. A woman goes down on a man, she expects to get something for it. I want to..." I gestured vaguely. "I want to be...I don't want to embarrass myself again, you know? I don't want to be that asshole."

"Joe, you ever get people that come to you all hot to talk, I don't know, calibers and angles and shit, when really they asking all the wrong questions? Like they don't have to kill anyone, they can just talk things over calm and quiet, but damn if you can convince them of that?"

"Yeah, happens all the time."

She looked at me.

I sighed. "Okay, Amber, what do I have to do?"

"So you met a girl. You like her. She likes you. She a nice girl? Smart, not too crazy?"

"I don't stick my dick in crazy, Amber."

"Yeah, I know, I just had to get you to say it. Now I'm going to tell you what a classy man such as yourself does when he starts feeling serious about a girl. Ready?"

"I'm ready."

"Stop bringing whores home."

"It's not like that!" I cried, stung. I jumped up. "How does a man get better at anything? He finds a teacher! He practices!"

"Sit down, Joe." Amber pinched the bridge of her nose. "You're not going to take no for an answer, are you?"

"I'm just saying, I'm an accomplished man. I've acquired a variety of skills. That's a thing I know how to do."

"All right." Amber sighed. "Let's talk angles and shit."

By the end of the night, Amber pronounced me passable. Smiling ear to ear, I climbed to my feet. My knees ached. My lips were numb. My tongue was so tired I worried about biting myself. It was all worth it, though.

"Want a blow job before I go?"

"No, you've been great. Thank you so much."

Amber stepped back into her panties. "You a weird man, Joe. Sweet as shit, considering, but fucking weird."

 

[pink_silk_glove]

For context, Joe is a middle-aged mafioso who has never had to perform cunnilingus because he's only ever slept with prostitutes. Amber is such a prostitute.

After I had posted, I thought that perhaps she was a prostitute talking to a hitman.

I like that dialogue. It makes a good scene.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Okay, fair. I was worried about making people read too long a snippet. Here's the whole scene. For context, Joe is a middle-aged mafioso who has never had to perform cunnilingus because he's only ever slept with prostitutes. Amber is such a prostitute.

That makes a lot more sense. Context is everything - half a conversation will never make sense. That explains why I was confused.

 

[NotWise]

Now I kinda like Amber. The edited dialogue gave me no reason to like her.

"Stop bringing whores home."

Made me laugh.

 

[Kumquatqueen]

I think that works.

 

[NotWise]

Okay, fair. I was worried about making people read too long a snippet. Here's the whole scene. For context, Joe is a middle-aged mafioso who has never had to perform cunnilingus because he's only ever slept with prostitutes. Amber is such a prostitute.

(Do people still say prostitute? I guess the polite term now is sex worker but that's quite a bit broader. We're in some sense all sex workers.)

You don't need to call her a prostitute. There are plenty of other terms, but I'd be surprised if "sex worker" is something they called themselves. Hookers figure prominently in a couple of my stories, one published, one in progress. I use different terms, but some variation on "the girls" is pretty useful: the girls upstairs, the girls on the street, etc.

 

[Bramblethorn]

You don't need to call her a prostitute. There are plenty of other terms, but I'd be surprised if "sex worker" is something they called themselves. Hookers figure prominently in a couple of my stories, one published, one in progress. I use different terms, but some variation on "the girls" is pretty useful: the girls upstairs, the girls on the street, etc.

Yeah, "sex worker" is something I'd expect to hear more in formal contexts, academic/political conversation. In Australia at least, "working girl" is a more commonplace term without derogatory baggage, dunno if it's used in the USA.

I told her what I wanted.

Her jaw dropped.

FWIW, she might be surprised by specifically Joe making this request, but it's unlikely to be the first time a client has asked for this. From what I can tell (mostly by browsing relevant forums and ad sites) cunnilingus is not a particularly rare request from male clients. Round here SWs can legally advertise specific services, and some have rates for "oral on me"/"DATY"/69.

 

[pink_silk_glove]

True story, actual real conversation overheard. No joke.

"You're a fuckin' WHORE!!"

"I am NOT!!"

"You're a fuckin' PROSTITUTE!!"

"That's BETTER!"

 

[NotWise]

FWIW, she might be surprised by specifically Joe making this request, but it's unlikely to be the first time a client has asked for this. From what I can tell (mostly by browsing relevant forums and ad sites) cunnilingus is not a particularly rare request from male clients. Round here SWs can legally advertise specific services, and some have rates for "oral on me"/"DATY"/69.

Not a new thing, either. I have a couple "menus" from historical cat houses, one on the Rue du Chat-Noir dated 1910, and one from New York (22nd Street), undated, but probably early 1900's guessing from the language. Both of them include the cost of dining on the girl, sometimes one-on-one, sometimes not.

 

[XerXesXu]

Mystifying. At first it looked like an exercise in punctuating fragmented dialogue. Amber describes Joe as 'fucking weird', there's no reason given to contradict that. My assumption was that he was an emotionally stunted guy who spent his time playing 'shoot 'em up games' on the internet - hence talk of 'calibers and angles'. Amber spoke like an uneducated person originating from somewhere in the USA.

I was surprised, then, to find Joe was supposed to be a self-satisfied mafioso who didn't know what every teenage boy in the world, in my experience, learns how to do under the guidance of the magic hand on the back of his head.

Do mafiosa talk about calibers and angles? Statistically, hit men take 11 rounds to hit their target at a range of 7m, hence the popularity of high-capacity automatics. No need to reload to get the job done, clearing a jam is quicker than reloading.

How politically correct is the speech of uneducated sex-workers and violent mobsters expected to be?

 

[joy_of_cooking]

FWIW, she might be surprised by specifically Joe making this request, but it's unlikely to be the first time a client has asked for this.

I did not know this! Thanks, amended to make the surprise more clearly directed at Joe's particular situation rather than a client requesting cunnilingus at all.

Made me laugh.

Thanks! That was what I was going for.

you are missing out the verbs are and is.

Yeah, you got it! Amber uses zero copula which in English is often associated with AAVE. Although apparently not strongly enough for anyone to pick up on it here. Oh well, not every experiment works. I still like the scene.

 

[THBGato]

Amber uses zero copula which in English is often associated with AAVE.

Actually, this is what I thought, but I'm such a woke snowflake I didn't want to mention it in case I came across as racist. I think I just said vernacular.

 

[joy_of_cooking]

Even better!

 

[TheLobster]

zero copula

How intriguing. In an erotic story, I’d expect there be a lot more copula than zero!