Sexless Marriages

[LeeKee]

That's horrendous and I'm so sorry to read of this situation. You deserve 100 x better than that and I think you know it.

I can understand the selfless, well-intentioned choice to stay "for the sake of the kids". It would be a very tough thing to weigh up in that sense and I am relieved I've never been in that position. In saying that, if I WAS I can tell you now that I would choose to LEAVE and take the kids with me for their benefit and mine!

I have seen many kids who have grown up in these very tense and toxic households who go on to be extremely disillusioned, guarded adults. Worse still, they go into the world with NIL understanding of what a happy, healthy and respectful relationship looks like. And so the domino effect of human misery and generational trauma continues. They either end up in a terrible loveless "situation" themselves OR choose to be alone for the rest of their lives because they perceive that as the best (or should I say SAFEST?) way to live.

I note the above because it seems the initial adjustment that would go with leaving FOR the sake of the kids (taking them with you into the sunset) seems well worth it. It absolutely appears THE kindest and healthiest choice all around if in the position to do that. They also get to see a parent demonstrate what real self-respect and high standards looks like. That if anyone treats you like shit you DO NOT have to stick around and eat it. These are life lessons that will serve them well with all relationships, social and work connections as well. It shows that you will give yourself the physical and mental space to explore healthy human connection if you unshackle yourself and DITCH THE BITCH or CAN THE MAN I recognise it's a big decision to make but your time and life and those of your kids is literally the most precious thing you've got. It's not something to be frittered away on some nightmare of a "relationship"...leave those sacrificial fetishes for those who enjoy a good Stephen King I say! Fuck that shit and give yourself the best opportunity to discover and enjoy a healthy relationship because THAT IS YOUR RIGHT and the same goes for your kids...

Trust me. You know why I have been enjoying VERY healthy, happy, mutually respectful, communicative and EXTREMELY mind blowing sex life for the past several years? It's because I finally made the initially frightening decision to choose myself after giving EVERY opportunity for my former marriage to improve and it all remained one way. I was the main breadwinner in a high level job working very hours as well being the chef, the cleaner, the gardener, the grocery shopper AND the bed warmer (but he finally lost THAT privilege in the last few years of our marriage after he monumentally letting me down following a major accident I was in. He showed no concern for me even on the day of the accident but also throughout my rehabilitation). I chose the highway and I am SUPER PROUD that I did! The first thing I did was book myself a 6 week solo trip through Europe (not a set tour - just exploring as I pleased). It was the most exhilirating and empowering experience to do this on my own. Not once did I feel lonely. I was relishing my freedom, my own company and enjoyed meeting fellow travellers. When I got back I sold our house (which I loved) myself (not through an agent). Split most things 50/50 and waved goodbye. Adios Amigos...I'm onto better things ....

And here I am...ENJOYING THE BEST. I fucking love and respect my man to bits and WE FUCK and make love frequently. We also love our solo sexy time as well watching eachother masturbate. It's bloody beautiful to be enjoying all forms of intimacy as we do.

We may have our moments where we piss eachother off but these are few and far between and generally fully resolved very quickly. Good communication is key to that. We are both open to hearing and discussing and gaining an understanding of eachother's perspective and vulnerabilities.

Just do yourself a favour and give yourself the gift of self respect and the chance to find and experience REAL love and physical and emotional intimacy. The complete package. Not some steaming pile of crud.

Did I mention we FUCK...A LOT?

So...Guess I'm "stuck"

 

[MakeMeWetAF]

So...Guess I'm "stuck"

That's only something you can determine.

 

[PapaRomantic]

That's only something you can determine.

You know, I've read your nonsense that you've been posting in response to LeeKee, and I'm frankly tired of your bulllshit. When it comes to women in a divorce vs. men in a divorce, especially when there are minor children involved, the women most always win, and win big.

You tell him to leave AND take his kids with him. Well guess what, that's not the way it works. In divorce situations with minor kids, the father ends up with custody 18.3% of the time. As much as he may want to take his kids with him, that's probably not going to happen, because the courts overwhelmingly decide the children need to stay with their mother, no matter what kind of a bitch she is.

So here's his options - he can divorce her, and only get to see his kids most likely every other weekend and maybe one day a week, but still have to pay a tremendous amount of child support to the bitch who created the divorce scenario in the first place. He won't get to keep the house - the courts usually award the house to the custodial parent so the kids will have at least the comfort of living in the house where they've been raised so far. So he'll have to find a crappy house or apartment that he may not be able to afford since so much of his income will be taken away from him as part of the divorce settlement.

OR - he can remain in a horrible home situation where he still gets to see his kids every day and put up with her shit so she doesn't skin him in the courts. In his opinion, the need to be with his kids far outweighs the option of getting away from the wife but losing so much contact with his kids and any chance of having a fulfilling life outside of work and the few weekends he gets to spend with his kids.

Your divorce didn't have any of the baggage that his will have. To compare your divorce to his impending divorce is cruel, since the rules are different for him than they were for you.

One more thing...you're doing nobody any good when you come in and tell everyone that you FUCK - A LOT. All you're doing is flaunting your good fortune in front of men and women who don't have that as an option.

Way to be sensitive to the needs of the majority of the posters in this thread.

 

[Stacysmith287]

Must be hard ( literally) lol ..xx

 

[MakeMeWetAF]

You know, I've read your nonsense that you've been posting in response to LeeKee, and I'm frankly tired of your bulllshit. When it comes to women in a divorce vs. men in a divorce, especially when there are minor children involved, the women most always win, and win big.

You tell him to leave AND take his kids with him. Well guess what, that's not the way it works. In divorce situations with minor kids, the father ends up with custody 18.3% of the time. As much as he may want to take his kids with him, that's probably not going to happen, because the courts overwhelmingly decide the children need to stay with their mother, no matter what kind of a bitch she is.

So here's his options - he can divorce her, and only get to see his kids most likely every other weekend and maybe one day a week, but still have to pay a tremendous amount of child support to the bitch who created the divorce scenario in the first place. He won't get to keep the house - the courts usually award the house to the custodial parent so the kids will have at least the comfort of living in the house where they've been raised so far. So he'll have to find a crappy house or apartment that he may not be able to afford since so much of his income will be taken away from him as part of the divorce settlement.

OR - he can remain in a horrible home situation where he still gets to see his kids every day and put up with her shit so she doesn't skin him in the courts. In his opinion, the need to be with his kids far outweighs the option of getting away from the wife but losing so much contact with his kids and any chance of having a fulfilling life outside of work and the few weekends he gets to spend with his kids.

Your divorce didn't have any of the baggage that his will have. To compare your divorce to his impending divorce is cruel, since the rules are different for him than they were for you.

One more thing...you're doing nobody any good when you come in and tell everyone that you FUCK - A LOT. All you're doing is flaunting your good fortune in front of men and women who don't have that as an option.

Way to be sensitive to the needs of the majority of the posters in this thread.

I was not having a dig at LeeKee in any way.
I was also not directly comparing my marital breakdown to his situation.

I feel genuine sadness and empathy for anyone going through anything of this nature. I wanted to express this, which I did. And I also wanted to remind him that he is 110% worthy of a happy relationship based on mutual love, concern, respect and intimacy. That this miserable situation he is in now, that it does not necessarily have to be like this forever. My partner had a horrendous time with his marital split. His wife was a cold, manipulative, narcissist and it wasn't until he was involved in a major accident and left with trauma to the brain, that he learned she had been cheating on him with many different men over the entire course of the marriage. She continued fucking around while he was undergoing extensive rehabilitation following his accident - showed NOT ONE shred of concern for his health and recovery. Furthermore, his situation DID involve kids. They dearly wanted to live with him but he was pensioned off and he had massive life adjustment to make following his accident. She had the money and the status. While it killed him not to have his kids with him, he still ensured he was there for them as best he could be. Now they are of age to make their own decisions and follow their heart, guess who they are now spending time with? It is generally not an easy road whichever way you go but amongst that, I cannot help but feel most people need SOME glimmer of hope that it won't always be this way and that there will be decent people out there who'd value and cherish them as a partner etc. My partner and I were single for a while after our marital breakdowns and were both fully prepared to see the rest of our life out single, on our own. To cross paths as we did and be experiencing a healthy, happy, balanced and intimate relationship with eachother is something neither of us expected. This is the glimmer of hope I was seeking to impart in my response.

I completely, 110% get that there are MANY different intricacies and factors to weigh up in such situations. No marriage is a carbon copy of someone else's.

For instance, while YOU may perceive MY marital breakdown as being a walk in the park, simply because there weren't kids involved, you perceived wrong. It was anything but easy. I endured IMMENSE pain. I have NEVER felt more alone, worthless and vulnerable than when he failed to be there for me following my major accident. It took huge courage for me to finally take a stand and choose MYSELF. It also took years of hard yakka to rebuild all that I lost. But what I gained by shedding that piece of crud was well worth it.

I respect and appreciate many of the points you make - in fact I share the same thoughts on many of them. I don't believe my response warranted condemnation as my aim. My "that is only something you can determine" to LeeKee was not intended in a smug way. I meant that only he knows the full situation and the best course of action for him at this point in time. Perhaps seek to clarify before tearing shreds off someone who only had the VERY best of intentions - and still do. No offence was ever intended.

By the way, I don't think that openly glorifying and endorsing INCEST on a Literotica would have done you any favours in the Family Court System. Incest is just another word for sickening Child Sexual Abuse and a monumental breach of a child's trust and innocence. Kids have absolutely no idea of their rights in such a situation, let alone the capacity to reinforce and assert them. A reality check of your own may be in need "Papa Romantic"...Eeew!!!

LeeKee (and anyone else I may have offended in my bid to provide some glimmer of hope for the future) I am truly sorry if my post did upset you in any way whatsoever. I do not profess to know the entirety of whatever anyone here is going through. I just know the spiral of darkness that these situations provoke. I came close to bailing out of life altogether it got so bad. I mean NO ONE in their right mind walks down the aisle and signs up for an unexpected life of despair and misery. I wish I had someone to say "OK this is the worst that can happen..." but balance it out with a "and this is the best that can happen..." as for a while there all I could see was "the worst case scenarios". My ability to bounce back from marital breakdown would have been far easier to contend with if I had that all important glimmer of hope.

In disclosing what I did, I was drawing from my own experience, my partner's experience and the experiences that other loved ones of mine (life long friends and relatives) have suffered. My thoughts are with you navigating the challenges at hand. I truly hope life turns around for the better. There is too much sadness and pain in this world.

 

[LeeKee]

That's only something you can determine.

And second and third order effects. It's a tough one.

 

[PapaRomantic]

By the way, I don't think that openly glorifying and endorsing INCEST on a Literotica would have done you any favours in the Family Court System. Incest is just another word for sickening Child Sexual Abuse and a monumental breach of a child's trust and innocence. Kids have absolutely no idea of their rights in such a situation, let alone the capacity to reinforce and assert them. A reality check of your own may be in need "Papa Romantic"...Eeew!!!

This is what you came up with as a retort to my comments - something completely off the topic of divorce in sexless marriages?

This just shows me that you don't have the mental capacity to understand why your post was so offensive. All you've tried to do with this response is belittle me for the fact that amongst others, I post incest stories on Lit - and by the way, it's the second most popular category, so you probably need to send this diatribe to the authors of all 67,000 incest stories that have been published here.

Go away, troll. This is not the thread for you. Nobody cares that you FUCK - A LOT!

To the other posters on this thread – I apologize for hijacking it. I will stop now.

 

[Lady2020]

Want a good sex life, with your wife? . . . . Be her S/O and stop asking public websites..... ( JEEZ )

 

[Lady2020]

What ?

Have you read your bio?

 

[MakeMeWetAF]

And second and third order effects. It's a tough one.

I imagine it would be KeeLee

Again I am very saddened to know that you are suffering in this way. I hope my post didn't cause you offence as that was never my intention. I was purely hoping to instil a bit of light and hope for the road ahead by sharing how my long and painful marriage and consequent divorce eventually paved the way to what I have now - a very happy, healthy and respectful relationship with my Ride or Die man.

I fully 110% understand and respect the importance of having a space in which to share the pain and suffering that goes with the territory of marital deceit, abuse, breakdown etc having gone through it myself. The fact I finally came out the other side of that and chose to share that here for the reasons stated above have been TERRIBLY DISTORTED by my myopic friend "Papa Romantic". I mean, how dare I endeavour to uplift and give hope to others by sharing how my wretched situation turned around for the better?! My very firm answer to that is: I fully deserve the happy, healthy, honest relationship I enjoy now, just as my partner does...and just as EVERYONE here on this thread does.

With all due respect to "Papa Romantic"...He can go fuck himself

 

[Hemlocks88]

Sounds like the places to be

 

[LeeKee]

You know, I've read your nonsense that you've been posting in response to LeeKee, and I'm frankly tired of your bulllshit. When it comes to women in a divorce vs. men in a divorce, especially when there are minor children involved, the women most always win, and win big.

You tell him to leave AND take his kids with him. Well guess what, that's not the way it works. In divorce situations with minor kids, the father ends up with custody 18.3% of the time. As much as he may want to take his kids with him, that's probably not going to happen, because the courts overwhelmingly decide the children need to stay with their mother, no matter what kind of a bitch she is.

So here's his options - he can divorce her, and only get to see his kids most likely every other weekend and maybe one day a week, but still have to pay a tremendous amount of child support to the bitch who created the divorce scenario in the first place. He won't get to keep the house - the courts usually award the house to the custodial parent so the kids will have at least the comfort of living in the house where they've been raised so far. So he'll have to find a crappy house or apartment that he may not be able to afford since so much of his income will be taken away from him as part of the divorce settlement.

OR - he can remain in a horrible home situation where he still gets to see his kids every day and put up with her shit so she doesn't skin him in the courts. In his opinion, the need to be with his kids far outweighs the option of getting away from the wife but losing so much contact with his kids and any chance of having a fulfilling life outside of work and the few weekends he gets to spend with his kids.

Your divorce didn't have any of the baggage that his will have. To compare your divorce to his impending divorce is cruel, since the rules are different for him than they were for you.

One more thing...you're doing nobody any good when you come in and tell everyone that you FUCK - A LOT. All you're doing is flaunting your good fortune in front of men and women who don't have that as an option.

Way to be sensitive to the needs of the majority of the posters in this thread.

I'm pretty much stuck here. I'm not leaving the kids.

 

[LeeKee]

I imagine it would be KeeLee

Again I am very saddened to know that you are suffering in this way. I hope my post didn't cause you offence as that was never my intention. I was purely hoping to instil a bit of light and hope for the road ahead by sharing how my long and painful marriage and consequent divorce eventually paved the way to what I have now - a very happy, healthy and respectful relationship with my Ride or Die man.

I fully 110% understand and respect the importance of having a space in which to share the pain and suffering that goes with the territory of marital deceit, abuse, breakdown etc having gone through it myself. The fact I finally came out the other side of that and chose to share that here for the reasons stated above have been TERRIBLY DISTORTED by my myopic friend "Papa Romantic". I mean, how dare I endeavour to uplift and give hope to others by sharing how my wretched situation turned around for the better?! My very firm answer to that is: I fully deserve the happy, healthy, honest relationship I enjoy now, just as my partner does...and just as EVERYONE here on this thread does.

With all due respect to "Papa Romantic"...He can go fuck himself

Experiences differ. I'm pretty much stuck here. I'm not leaving the kids. Just starting to be able to surgically separate feelings and letting some things wither and atrophy. It makes me feel like I've been wounded and learning to live again, and it's surreal and unnatural. I literally have to choose a poison. Looking back, I never thought she was able to get me in a spot like this, and we were bullet proof. but when I retired from active duty, she made all the moves to navigate us to this point. Kinda like the frog boiling in the milk. Slow and steady.

Unwilling to leave my kids, and once they are grown, I'll be too old to start again. This is it. I'll have to ride it out.

But, I thank-you for being an understanding anonymous audience. And for this outlet.

 

[MakeMeWetAF]

Experiences differ. I'm pretty much stuck here. I'm not leaving the kids. Just starting to be able to surgically separate feelings and letting some things wither and atrophy. It makes me feel like I've been wounded and learning to live again, and it's surreal and unnatural. I literally have to choose a poison. Looking back, I never thought she was able to get me in a spot like this, and we were bullet proof. but when I retired from active duty, she made all the moves to navigate us to this point. Kinda like the frog boiling in the milk. Slow and steady.

Unwilling to leave my kids, and once they are grown, I'll be too old to start again. This is it. I'll have to ride it out.

But, I thank-you for being an understanding anonymous audience. And for this outlet.

Your kids are very fortunate to have you as as their father I'm sorry that you're going through this, for them too. The slow boil is worse the way it creeps up. Causes us to second guess ourselves a lot - especially if the relationship was strong previously. At least when someone's a consistent asshole from the outset we can see it's no good and make the break before getting too heavily invested.

I hope you are kind to yourself and manage to carve out time for the things that bring you happiness to buoy you through it all.

 

[LeeKee]

Your kids are very fortunate to have you as as their father I'm sorry that you're going through this, for them too. The slow boil is worse the way it creeps up. Causes us to second guess ourselves a lot - especially if the relationship was strong previously. At least when someone's a consistent asshole from the outset we can see it's no good and make the break before getting too heavily invested.

I hope you are kind to yourself and manage to carve out time for the things that bring you happiness to buoy you through it all.

Thank you for the kind words. I honestly do not know any good way to go about this bad situation. I realize the kids see it's bad. But at the same time splitting up is also not good. What surprises me most is how I didn't see it coming or this side of my wife. It does hurt, to the point I do consider leaving, but can bring myself to have my kids see me give up. Sorry so long.

As for sex, it's been two years since, and before that it was 9 months. It staircased in gaps. And now nothing. Caught her texting a former boss. Being that sensitive friend helping him through his divorce. Lots personal relationship talk bring thrown out there. And she acknowledged it. And said I had no business. If it's personal about me (I've met him, kinda snake-ish) and it has an effect on my marriage and she is keeping it shrouded in secrecy...yes, I have business. It goes layers and dimensions. But I'm blabbing to much

I do thank you for your support. And I'll keep an optimistic outlook, but really, it's not looking good.

 

[MakeMeWetAF]

Thank you for the kind words. I honestly do not know any good way to go about this bad situation. I realize the kids see it's bad. But at the same time splitting up is also not good. What surprises me most is how I didn't see it coming or this side of my wife. It does hurt, to the point I do consider leaving, but can bring myself to have my kids see me give up. Sorry so long.

As for sex, it's been two years since, and before that it was 9 months. It staircased in gaps. And now nothing. Caught her texting a former boss. Being that sensitive friend helping him through his divorce. Lots personal relationship talk bring thrown out there. And she acknowledged it. And said I had no business. If it's personal about me (I've met him, kinda snake-ish) and it has an effect on my marriage and she is keeping it shrouded in secrecy...yes, I have business. It goes layers and dimensions. But I'm blabbing to much

I do thank you for your support. And I'll keep an optimistic outlook, but really, it's not looking good.

I'm sorry to say but she sounds like a real mole! What a farce, "consoling" another man over his divorce when her own family is suffering the results of her actions. So very disgusting and hypocritical...

I couldn't even muster the desire for sex and intimacy with her if I was in your shoes. Seriously! That type of behaviour is a major turn off. I'd rather make out with a mincer TBH. This is probably of very little consolation as the intimate needs are still there.

 

[LeeKee]

I'm sorry to say but she sounds like a real mole! What a farce, "consoling" another man over his divorce when her own family is suffering the results of her actions. So very disgusting and hypocritical...

I couldn't even muster the desire for sex and intimacy with her if I was in your shoes. Seriously! That type of behaviour is a major turn off. I'd rather make out with a mincer TBH. This is probably of very little consolation as the intimate needs are still there.

Like I said, learning to let certain aspects atrophy. Once in last two years, 6 total in last 7 years. That is not by chance. This "forlorn boss" of hers became her boss about the time she literally started changing into someone I do know know. He was married as well, but a "playa". We see how that worked out. I saw the chat history and it felt like the phone was shocking my hands. I goes back f'ing years.

I told her I was going to confront him. She freaked out. Never seen her freak like that. Because he became pretty high ranking official in the process. I was gonna bring that shit crashing down. She said it would ruin both our jobs. I didn't care at the time.i sent a really fucked up message to him. But I deleted it before he read it. Because she gave the heads up. Months have gone by. This is where I fucked up, this has given them time to square stories and lawyer up. I just dropped it. As well as any feeling to fight for it. All this "you have to want to fight for me" shit, nope. Not playing that "catch me, fuck me game". She treated me like shit for a long time and still does and I found out why. He's so higher ranking and soooo accomplished. Fuck him. I see him in person, I cannot guarantee he will not experience a significant emotional event. Fucking thief. And as for her, she doesn't want the stigma of divorce with her family, yet acts like I am a painting if a husband, not a real person. Also, we are interracial, and her family hates me, always has, because of my race. Ive was told to my face by her mom. So there is that. So, for me... zombie marriage. Till death do us part.

 

[elizaloo]

I'd like to say that I'm happy to have met quite a few of you outside of this thread; I find the conversations we've had about our own particular issues very cathartic, and have also enjoyed getting to know y'all.

Lit is still a wonderfully supportive community

 

[Lonely_Scot]

Tough to read a lot of this as it echoes my own situation. It's changed my whole personality and I absolutely hate it. Keep hoping things will change and worried that if they don't I'll be too old to start over.

 

[Lonely_Scot]

Completely true. I have spent years trying to listen and change my approach. Alas, her Low and my High will never match. In everything else perfection.

I wish I could say the same regarding everything else.

 

[R34D]

I’m full of good ideas

I would love to hear all about them

 

[Lonely_Scot]

So terribly sorry

Thank you, that's kind of you.

 

[LustyScribe]

I sometimes just wish I had the ability to NOT feel...anything. To suddenly become a cold, passionless ice sculpture. Hey, it worked for her...

The ability of one person, the one person who should have your back, your front, and your sides, the person you chose above all others; the power that person has to either sustain you when the world's hurling poop grenades at you OR to make you feel like you're meaningless, that power is deadly or wonderful.

Honestly, my f-ing emotional roller coaster feels like it has lost 87.3% of the nuts & bolts that keep it on the track. And there she is with a wrench, shootin' for 89%.

 

[sangerin]

I'm sorry to read so many of these posts but it's in a way comforting to know I'm not alone. Hugs to many of you tonight.

 

[van_delay]

My wife and I get along just fine but rarely have sex. She lets me do it sometimes, without complaint but isn’t into it.