AwkwardMD and Omenainen Review Thread

[vagrantx]

Everyone should read it.

Seconded. Thirded? @TheRedChamber that was honestly one of the best things I've read on here in a decade, even discounting the scenes that tugged on my strings.

Your ability to turn the insane mundane is wonderful. Punctuating an angelic coupling with a hot take on a political speech brings to mind the album review chapters of Bret Easton Ellis' American Psycho.

A delight, through and through. Thank you for writing this.

 

[TheRedChamber]

@TheRedChamber
Link

The good reviews are always a lot harder to write, because how many ways is there to phrase “well done?”

This was too clever for this site by far, and placed in a category where stories go to die, but neither of those is a fault in the story. Which was excellent. Well done.

There were a few minor editing issues, like tense mix ups in one scene, and those only stick out because the rest of it was so well written that one learns to expect perfection. The letters did have a distinctive voice and that might have been even more pronounced, but I think they worked very well as is. This provided a delightful glimpse into what small town politics in Britain might be, viewed by the participation in “letters to the editor” of the local magazines. Good writing takes us places where we haven’t been, sometimes showing us the shape of things from the outside, like this does.

The ending was perfect. Absolute gold. Wonderful insight in the human condition.

We have nothing to add. Nothing to critique. This story works on every level we’re fit to speak on. The overall plot is interesting and complex. The individual scenes, those long enough to have their own internal plot, flowed well. The characters were interesting. The dialog was interesting, filtered through the lens of letters.

It all works. Everyone should read it.

Thanks for the glowing review. It means a lot, especially because, as you say, the story didn't receive a lot of attention when it was published. It ended up as being my longest piece by far last year, but wasn't really intended to be (it's was very easy to write 100-200 words in half an hour and have another functioning letter and chunk of the story). I would have put it in another category, except that the letters concept was kind of baked into it.

 

[Bazzle]

@TheRedChamber
Link

The good reviews are always a lot harder to write, because how many ways is there to phrase “well done?”

This was too clever for this site by far, and placed in a category where stories go to die, but neither of those is a fault in the story. Which was excellent. Well done.

There were a few minor editing issues, like tense mix ups in one scene, and those only stick out because the rest of it was so well written that one learns to expect perfection. The letters did have a distinctive voice and that might have been even more pronounced, but I think they worked very well as is. This provided a delightful glimpse into what small town politics in Britain might be, viewed by the participation in “letters to the editor” of the local magazines. Good writing takes us places where we haven’t been, sometimes showing us the shape of things from the outside, like this does.

The ending was perfect. Absolute gold. Wonderful insight in the human condition.

We have nothing to add. Nothing to critique. This story works on every level we’re fit to speak on. The overall plot is interesting and complex. The individual scenes, those long enough to have their own internal plot, flowed well. The characters were interesting. The dialog was interesting, filtered through the lens of letters.

It all works. Everyone should read it.

This is a truly spectacular piece of writing. Amazing @TheRedChamber
Wow!

 

[Bramblethorn]

Thanks for the glowing review. It means a lot, especially because, as you say, the story didn't receive a lot of attention when it was published. It ended up as being my longest piece by far last year, but wasn't really intended to be (it's was very easy to write 100-200 words in half an hour and have another functioning letter and chunk of the story). I would have put it in another category, except that the letters concept was kind of baked into it.

Yeah, this was a great example of epistolary style, both in the individual letters and in how you tied them together.

It's a shame the category doesn't get a lot of views, but then maybe it needs more stories like this one.

 

[MelissaBaby]

@TheRedChamber
Link

The good reviews are always a lot harder to write, because how many ways is there to phrase “well done?”

This was too clever for this site by far, and placed in a category where stories go to die, but neither of those is a fault in the story. Which was excellent. Well done.

There were a few minor editing issues, like tense mix ups in one scene, and those only stick out because the rest of it was so well written that one learns to expect perfection. The letters did have a distinctive voice and that might have been even more pronounced, but I think they worked very well as is. This provided a delightful glimpse into what small town politics in Britain might be, viewed by the participation in “letters to the editor” of the local magazines. Good writing takes us places where we haven’t been, sometimes showing us the shape of things from the outside, like this does.

The ending was perfect. Absolute gold. Wonderful insight in the human condition.

We have nothing to add. Nothing to critique. This story works on every level we’re fit to speak on. The overall plot is interesting and complex. The individual scenes, those long enough to have their own internal plot, flowed well. The characters were interesting. The dialog was interesting, filtered through the lens of letters.

It all works. Everyone should read it.

It's brilliant. I've never read anything in the category before. It was worth taking the plunge.

I'm fooling around with the idea of a story about an all-girl rock band, told in the form of an oral history. I will be looking again at this story as a model of how to make the episodic changes of voice work.

 

[Devil_PS]

Well back again and working more fantasy stories in the "Endis" setting. Two are in the works, one with our blue haired sword for hire with a knack of getting into tight situations Kayla Moonsdale, and one starring duo adventurers with benefits Elias Redwood and Jenna of Evergreen.

But I felt putting this older story on the review block.

https://literotica.com/s/the-forest-elves-ritual

My first story with tendrils and angry forest elves. The writing is arguably a bit cruder than my previous work (...I need to really sit down and edit more often ) and the humor is...I dunno, might have a mileage may vary feel towards it. Nevertheless I hope those checking into it will enjoy and I'll learn much more of what I need to work on for future works in my fantasy setting!

 

[DoctorSmith8]

I enjoy reading review threads, its always interesting to see two writers discuss another person's literary work, but I have a few questions, if you don't mind.

Are you are real Dr, and if so, is it in some literary field?

What are your credentials? Are you an editor, technical writer, English teacher, a columnist, do you have degrees in creative writing, English literature, journalism, or similar fields?

Are you a self-taught writer giving advice based on your own likes and dislikes, or is writing your actual career field?

I plan on reading your reviews, but I'd like to know if I'm reading the reviews of a professional, or an enthusiast.

When I read something created for this platform, I don't necessarily make sure that everything is perfect or grammatically correct. The main thing I look for is, "was I entertained."

 

[AwkwardMD]

Well back again and working more fantasy stories in the "Endis" setting. Two are in the works, one with our blue haired sword for hire with a knack of getting into tight situations Kayla Moonsdale, and one starring duo adventurers with benefits Elias Redwood and Jenna of Evergreen.

But I felt putting this older story on the review block.

https://literotica.com/s/the-forest-elves-ritual

My first story with tendrils and angry forest elves. The writing is arguably a bit cruder than my previous work (...I need to really sit down and edit more often ) and the humor is...I dunno, might have a mileage may vary feel towards it. Nevertheless I hope those checking into it will enjoy and I'll learn much more of what I need to work on for future works in my fantasy setting!

Generally speaking, we find that reviewing a work that isn't representative of an author's current skill level/headspace/style is less helpful. There will be a lot of you going through the review thinking "Yep, yep, I thought the same, and that's why I don't do that anymore." Now, this is a collaborative space and there are more people than just you reading this and getting something out of it, so it isn't a waste strictly speaking, but feel free to swap this for something different before we get to it. If this is the one you want, The Forest Elves Ritual will be 5th in the queue. It might be a few weeks before we get to it, so we appreciate your patience.

 

[AwkwardMD]

When I read something created for this platform, I don't necessarily make sure that everything is perfect or grammatically correct. The main thing I look for is, "was I entertained."

1) SeaborneFare is a banned account, and won't get a notification that you've quoted them
2) That post was from approximately four years ago
3) The purpose of this thread is not to provide a reader's guide as to which stories are or aren't entertaining (though that does come out from time to time), it is to dissect case studies (the stories submitted to us) to discuss what they were attempting, how successful they were in execution, and (if possible) make suggestions to help the next story. If you're looking for a reader's guide, there is the Good Reads On Lit thread.

 

[Devil_PS]

Generally speaking, we find that reviewing a work that isn't representative of an author's current skill level/headspace/style is less helpful. There will be a lot of you going through the review thinking "Yep, yep, I thought the same, and that's why I don't do that anymore." Now, this is a collaborative space and there are more people than just you reading this and getting something out of it, so it isn't a waste strictly speaking, but feel free to swap this for something different before we get to it. If this is the one you want, The Forest Elves Ritual will be 5th in the queue. It might be a few weeks before we get to it, so we appreciate your patience.

No worries and thank you. Still working on other pieces in the meantime so maybe I get something out but I'll keep this place posted if it does happen.

 

[THBGato]

Hello!

So, I've published my first story on here - https://literotica.com/s/the-hardest-step It's short (1.8k words) but I think fairly indicative of the themes I want to cover and the style that comes naturally to me.

Happy to put my head into the lion's mouth as it were and request a review. (Gulp.) Is this how that's done?

I'm working on longer pieces, including a follow up featuring one of the characters, so would very much welcome all and any views.

Thanks

T

 

[alohadave]

Hello!

So, I've published my first story on here - https://literotica.com/s/the-hardest-step It's short (1.8k words) but I think fairly indicative of the themes I want to cover and the style that comes naturally to me.

Happy to put my head into the lion's mouth as it were and request a review. (Gulp.) Is this how that's done?

I'm working on longer pieces, including a follow up featuring one of the characters, so would very much welcome all and any views.

Thanks

T

Is there a reason why you left it on the cliff like that? I get that the meeting had a specific purpose, but there's nothing else there. It's like an excerpt from a larger work.

What is Bex' reaction? What happens next? What's the fallout?

Leaving it like that is a tease, and not the good kind that you pay extra for.

 

[THBGato]

Hey - thanks for reading and taking time to give feedback, I appreciate it.

Honestly, it just felt like that was the story. There was a puzzle - What's the history between the characters? What caused the crisis? Why? - and I felt I answered that. Unless a story ends with the heat death of the universe, there's always the opportunity for "what happened next?" in every tale told ever. I guess that's why fan fiction exists!

I agree, Bex's reaction may well be interesting. However, I do think that's another story and would have been too long to have been included easily without being glib. That said, 3 out of the 5 comments so far seem to be asking for a sequel. Maybe I'll write it... though interestingly it's the daughter, Carrie, who seems the more intriguing character to me and has cropped up in another story I'm working on.

I think there's also an element of me being a new writer and not wanting to write something huge that nobody is interested in. I couldn't see a way to include Bex's full reaction (not her initial reaction, which is not the same thing) quickly i.e. within another 500 words. So, I wanted to start with something short, see how readers responded and take it from there. As it stands, looking at the current aggregate score of 3.96, I think I need to work on my style a lot more to effectively get the stories over as they exist in my head. That's one of the reasons why I've requested a review, and also why I really appreciate you taking time to give feedback (and those readers who have rated/commented).

 

[AwkwardMD]

@amberlynch
Link

This is your first story, and that’s an admirable and worthy achievement. Welcome to Lit. In other reviews in this thread, we've put down our thoughts on flashbacks and framing devices. If you want, you can go looking, and those things might be helpful for you, but for now we want to focus on what seems to be the most important thing.

First of all, this story is incredibly ambitious and we love ambitious. Love the complexity you’re going for. That story title is a bombshell.

There’s a lot of layers to any story. A scene can be great on its own, with punch and action and great pacing, but bad technical writing (tighter focus) or bad placement within the larger story (wider focus) can make it so that this really good scene either doesn’t work at all or ruins the rest of the story. It’s easy for something to work on one level and not others, and so it is important to consider different angles when considering a complex work. I want to address just about the widest angle possible here, and talk about scripts. The structure of the whole thing.

I’m going to guess that you read, or have written, scripts before. There’s elements to the main story narration that are similar to the structure of the script pieces, and the script pieces feel like they were the first part of this. Like you had Chick and Guy and Kath, and then expanded the story to be about people reading and writing and acting it out.

The noir style trades in color. It lives and dies by the color it can convey. Colorful characters. Colorful dialogue. Colorful metaphors. After reading this story, I went back to a noir masterpiece I’d read years ago, Greenwich Killing Time by Kinky Friedman, a work where even the audiobook version smells like New York, and I found this gem of a sentence:

The next few days crawled by like a caterpillar with the gout.

There is more grit, cigar ash, and whiskey in this one sentence than in my entire life.

Now, scripts are not workable documents. They are behind-the-scenes documentation that actors use to make a story come to life. An organized-if-only-technically-helpful collection of sticky notes and good ideas. It’s useful to actors to inform their performance, but the reader does not care about the behind the scenes information, they care about the performance.

The script tells us what everyone is thinking all the time, and the actors use that to generate facial expressions, body language, modes of speech. Again, helpful behind the scenes but tedious to read for the purpose of reading. Show us the facial expressions. Show us the body language. Show us that moment when a character is too overcome to get a sentence out, and let the audience read into the emotions behind that. Don’t tell us what everyone is thinking all the time.

At first, when I was reading this, I thought there was going to be a section within this review about learning to trust your readers. This is a common problem, and one we’ve talked about before. When a new author doesn’t trust the reader to understand that the character on the other side of the room is feeling guilty about something, that author will insert narration about how said person put on a good face but was, on the inside, rolling over with guilt. A savvier author would do much less, narrating how this person responded to the questions put to them just as they normally would if, perhaps, with a bit of hesitation. A bit of a pause. A reader will pounce on a clue like that.

A new author overshares because they don’t trust the reader to read between the lines and figure out what other characters are thinking. A script, however, just tells you. Again, this is useful to actors, but not to fiction readers. Yes, in a sense, readers are putting on a play in their head with their own self-generated actors, but it’s not the same. A scene unfolding in the mind of a reader isn’t for anyone else; it’s just for them. The actor makes the script come alive. A reader probably shouldn’t be doing this part of the equation for themselves; that’s your job.

(This is me show don’t tell-ing “Show, don’t tell”)

All this is to say that the structure of this has drained some of the life out of the story. The color is diminished. It only comes across as noir-ish because the story tells us that explicitly, and not because it has the requisite flavor, or the texture. The grit is missing entirely, sapped away by the structure of the story. The way that you wrote it is undermining everything else.

On the one hand, the structure of a script is a tool, and I’m entirely in favor of having every single tool in your authorial toolbox. Yes, this structure could be used within a strong story. I would think that less of it would be a start, and to your benefit. Then, at the same time, having the main section of the story not rely so heavily on telling us what everyone is thinking all the time, for contrast, would make the script scenes stand out much more. As it is, it all feels very same-y.

After all of that, though, I want to end on a high note; there’s a lot to like in this story. It’s clearly a monumental labor of love that you’ve put (I’m going to guess) months-worth of effort into. That comes through. There’s a lot of interesting detail, and cool character quirks layered in here and there. With a little bit of polish and some craft, you could pull off a very complex and interesting tale with this premise. Keep writing, and keep learning.

 

[amberlynch]

@amberlynch
Link

This is your first story, and that’s an admirable and worthy achievement. Welcome to Lit. In other reviews in this thread, we've put down our thoughts on flashbacks and framing devices. If you want, you can go looking, and those things might be helpful for you, but for now we want to focus on what seems to be the most important thing.

First of all, this story is incredibly ambitious and we love ambitious. Love the complexity you’re going for. That story title is a bombshell.

There’s a lot of layers to any story. A scene can be great on its own, with punch and action and great pacing, but bad technical writing (tighter focus) or bad placement within the larger story (wider focus) can make it so that this really good scene either doesn’t work at all or ruins the rest of the story. It’s easy for something to work on one level and not others, and so it is important to consider different angles when considering a complex work. I want to address just about the widest angle possible here, and talk about scripts. The structure of the whole thing.

I’m going to guess that you read, or have written, scripts before. There’s elements to the main story narration that are similar to the structure of the script pieces, and the script pieces feel like they were the first part of this. Like you had Chick and Guy and Kath, and then expanded the story to be about people reading and writing and acting it out.

The noir style trades in color. It lives and dies by the color it can convey. Colorful characters. Colorful dialogue. Colorful metaphors. After reading this story, I went back to a noir masterpiece I’d read years ago, Greenwich Killing Time by Kinky Friedman, a work where even the audiobook version smells like New York, and I found this gem of a sentence:




There is more grit, cigar ash, and whiskey in this one sentence than in my entire life.

Now, scripts are not workable documents. They are behind-the-scenes documentation that actors use to make a story come to life. An organized-if-only-technically-helpful collection of sticky notes and good ideas. It’s useful to actors to inform their performance, but the reader does not care about the behind the scenes information, they care about the performance.

The script tells us what everyone is thinking all the time, and the actors use that to generate facial expressions, body language, modes of speech. Again, helpful behind the scenes but tedious to read for the purpose of reading. Show us the facial expressions. Show us the body language. Show us that moment when a character is too overcome to get a sentence out, and let the audience read into the emotions behind that. Don’t tell us what everyone is thinking all the time.

At first, when I was reading this, I thought there was going to be a section within this review about learning to trust your readers. This is a common problem, and one we’ve talked about before. When a new author doesn’t trust the reader to understand that the character on the other side of the room is feeling guilty about something, that author will insert narration about how said person put on a good face but was, on the inside, rolling over with guilt. A savvier author would do much less, narrating how this person responded to the questions put to them just as they normally would if, perhaps, with a bit of hesitation. A bit of a pause. A reader will pounce on a clue like that.

A new author overshares because they don’t trust the reader to read between the lines and figure out what other characters are thinking. A script, however, just tells you. Again, this is useful to actors, but not to fiction readers. Yes, in a sense, readers are putting on a play in their head with their own self-generated actors, but it’s not the same. A scene unfolding in the mind of a reader isn’t for anyone else; it’s just for them. The actor makes the script come alive. A reader probably shouldn’t be doing this part of the equation for themselves; that’s your job.

(This is me show don’t tell-ing “Show, don’t tell”)

All this is to say that the structure of this has drained some of the life out of the story. The color is diminished. It only comes across as noir-ish because the story tells us that explicitly, and not because it has the requisite flavor, or the texture. The grit is missing entirely, sapped away by the structure of the story. The way that you wrote it is undermining everything else.

On the one hand, the structure of a script is a tool, and I’m entirely in favor of having every single tool in your authorial toolbox. Yes, this structure could be used within a strong story. I would think that less of it would be a start, and to your benefit. Then, at the same time, having the main section of the story not rely so heavily on telling us what everyone is thinking all the time, for contrast, would make the script scenes stand out much more. As it is, it all feels very same-y.

After all of that, though, I want to end on a high note; there’s a lot to like in this story. It’s clearly a monumental labor of love that you’ve put (I’m going to guess) months-worth of effort into. That comes through. There’s a lot of interesting detail, and cool character quirks layered in here and there. With a little bit of polish and some craft, you could pull off a very complex and interesting tale with this premise. Keep writing, and keep learning.

Dear @AwkwardMD

First, I want to thank you for taking the time to read and review my story. I appreciate it wholeheartedly. The story is a bit intricate, and indeed in hindsight, perhaps arduous and hard to get through, so I truly appreciate your honest review. It is extremely helpful to me.

I completely agree with your comments and constructive criticisms. In fact, I think during the entire time I was writing, I was afraid that I wasn't conveying the exact nuance or message that I had intended, so I compensated by "overwriting" the scenes. Uffff.... So, I think you identified that straight away. Concerning the other aspect of the story -- the structure of the scripts, interleaved with the regular story, I also agree with you. I wish that I could have gotten that right and pulled it off, but hopefully the next time.

The story started with a simple question: "is it possible to write your own life".

The scripts are Kurst graphic novels, the obsession of the main character Dean. As described in this first chapter (perhaps at great depth), Dean has a project -- an obsession -- to turn Kursts' graphic/bdsm novels into movies; he envisions himself the next Speilberg. Of course, he is a bit under budget; his only actress is Lizzy, his girlfriend. Not to give the idea away, but it is revealed in later chapters that the scripts are being written by Lizzy (through a convoluted twist --- initiated by Amber, who serves as the metaphor for change). She is essentially rewriting her own life (trying to fix the inadequacies of her relationship with Dean) through the stories. Since Dean and Lizzy's lives already have become an extension of Kurst's characters, by becoming his screenwriter Lizzy can rewrite her future. In this way, the lives of Dean and Lizzy start to become intertwined and similar to the lives of Guy and Kath. So yes, the idea is a bit complex.... perhaps too much so.

Indeed, the whole mess is perhaps too ambitious. But, I did want to use the story to get to some questions that interest me. There are nine chapters in total. Mostly, they are all written. However, I will say that your review is very important to me and I plan on doing a very deep revision of my next chapters. I shall try to avoid the same mistakes as in this first chapter. However, I am cognizant that this is a long and difficult process -- the craft of writing, I mean --- but it is worth a try!

Many many thanks, once again.

Yours fondly,
Amber Lynch.

 

[AwkwardMD]

Not to give the idea away, but it is revealed in later chapters that the scripts are being written by Lizzy (through a convoluted twist --- initiated by Amber, who serves as the metaphor for change). She is essentially rewriting her own life (trying to fix the inadequacies of her relationship with Dean) through the stories. Since Dean and Lizzy's lives already have become an extension of Kurst's characters, by becoming his screenwriter Lizzy can rewrite her future.

I was really hoping this was the direction you were heading in. There is an embarrassment of riches in the potential of this idea. You obviously do not lack for creativity, and the things (I think are) holding you back at this point are the things every new writer struggles with. Growing pains stuff.

Good luck in your future writings!

 

[MelissaBaby]

Dear @AwkwardMD

First, I want to thank you for taking the time to read and review my story. I appreciate it wholeheartedly. The story is a bit intricate, and indeed in hindsight, perhaps arduous and hard to get through, so I truly appreciate your honest review. It is extremely helpful to me.

I completely agree with your comments and constructive criticisms. In fact, I think during the entire time I was writing, I was afraid that I wasn't conveying the exact nuance or message that I had intended, so I compensated by "overwriting" the scenes. Uffff.... So, I think you identified that straight away. Concerning the other aspect of the story -- the structure of the scripts, interleaved with the regular story, I also agree with you. I wish that I could have gotten that right and pulled it off, but hopefully the next time.

The story started with a simple question: "is it possible to write your own life".

The scripts are Kurst graphic novels, the obsession of the main character Dean. As described in this first chapter (perhaps at great depth), Dean has a project -- an obsession -- to turn Kursts' graphic/bdsm novels into movies; he envisions himself the next Speilberg. Of course, he is a bit under budget; his only actress is Lizzy, his girlfriend. Not to give the idea away, but it is revealed in later chapters that the scripts are being written by Lizzy (through a convoluted twist --- initiated by Amber, who serves as the metaphor for change). She is essentially rewriting her own life (trying to fix the inadequacies of her relationship with Dean) through the stories. Since Dean and Lizzy's lives already have become an extension of Kurst's characters, by becoming his screenwriter Lizzy can rewrite her future. In this way, the lives of Dean and Lizzy start to become intertwined and similar to the lives of Guy and Kath. So yes, the idea is a bit complex.... perhaps too much so.

Indeed, the whole mess is perhaps too ambitious. But, I did want to use the story to get to some questions that interest me. There are nine chapters in total. Mostly, they are all written. However, I will say that your review is very important to me and I plan on doing a very deep revision of my next chapters. I shall try to avoid the same mistakes as in this first chapter. However, I am cognizant that this is a long and difficult process -- the craft of writing, I mean --- but it is worth a try!

Many many thanks, once again.

Yours fondly,
Amber Lynch.

When I was in high school I went through a phase when I was fascinated by reading plays. There were a lot of books in the school library such as Best American Plays of the 1960s, Ten Plays by Eugene O'Neill, etc. I would read them, casting my favorite actors in all the parts. So, after reading AWD's review of your story, I couldn't resist reading it, even though I am terribly behind on finishing my story for the Pink Orchid event.

I think AWD's critique is dead on, in both its praise and its suggestions for improvement. My contribution to the discussion is that I think it would have been more effective if the script sections were doled out in small pieces, perhaps using italics or some other font to distinguish them from the main narrative. The two narratives could be interwoven to more directly reflect and enhance each other.

I'm glad to see that you are eager to move forward so positively. Welcome to the show.

 

[amberlynch]

I was really hoping this was the direction you were heading in. There is an embarrassment of riches in the potential of this idea. You obviously do not lack for creativity, and the things (I think are) holding you back at this point are the things every new writer struggles with. Growing pains stuff.

Good luck in your future writings!

Thank you so much!

 

[amberlynch]

When I was in high school I went through a phase when I was fascinated by reading plays. There were a lot of books in the school library such as Best American Plays of the 1960s, Ten Plays by Eugene O'Neill, etc. I would read them, casting my favorite actors in all the parts. So, after reading AWD's review of your story, I couldn't resist reading it, even though I am terribly behind on finishing my story for the Pink Orchid event.

I think AWD's critique is dead on, in both its praise and its suggestions for improvement. My contribution to the discussion is that I think it would have been more effective if the script sections were doled out in small pieces, perhaps using italics or some other font to distinguish them from the main narrative. The two narratives could be interwoven to more directly reflect and enhance each other.

I'm glad to see that you are eager to move forward so positively. Welcome to the show.

Thank you @MelissaBaby. I truly appreciate your suggestions and comments (and for taking the time to read the story!). I shall try and follow these suggestions in revising my next chapters.

 

[Bazzle]

When I was in high school I went through a phase when I was fascinated by reading plays. There were a lot of books in the school library such as Best American Plays of the 1960s, Ten Plays by Eugene O'Neill, etc. I would read them, casting my favorite actors in all the parts. So, after reading AWD's review of your story, I couldn't resist reading it, even though I am terribly behind on finishing my story for the Pink Orchid event.

I think AWD's critique is dead on, in both its praise and its suggestions for improvement. My contribution to the discussion is that I think it would have been more effective if the script sections were doled out in small pieces, perhaps using italics or some other font to distinguish them from the main narrative. The two narratives could be interwoven to more directly reflect and enhance each other.

I'm glad to see that you are eager to move forward so positively. Welcome to the show.

I totally agree. There is nothing wrong with intertwining the two narratives, but the jump to them is a little confusing.

 

[Omenainen]

@vagrantx
Link
Link

Den här berättelse var så fruktansvärd bra att allt jag kan säga är helvete, kvinnan, hur du kan skriva! Sjutton också!

Och samma på engelska:

This story is insanely good. It’s awful, awful, disturbing, nauseating, and insanely good. I was hooked from the first sentence and you had me all the way through. An exceptionally good short story.

You say you’re new to writing. My question to you is, what took you so long? How can you think there’s something else you should be doing? (My god, are you saying you’re as good or better at something else?) You also say you’re plagued by bad habits, but I have to say I don’t see what you’re talking about. If you want to clarify, we could take another look.

I was minutely bothered by the narration, because it worked so well from Alex’s perspective, close 3rd, but then occasionally you needed to step outside of her for example when she fainted, and used some kind of omniscient instead. I’m not sure it was needed, and in any case the parts where her thoughts bled into the narration were so integral to the story that I’d focus on pruning those parts out, or isolating them differently, rather than going for full omniscient.

Language-wise you have it. I know I’m not a native and probably can’t evaluate this 100%, but if I one day have your level of English to use in my prose I’ll be happy. (Oh, except that it’s spelled “areola”. I constantly struggle with that one, because I, too, try to start with “ae” and after that no spellchecker knows what I mean, and trying to google translate from Finnish produces “nipple yard” instead of the correct word.)

This, my friend, this is poetry:

Alex felt each and every bristle softly sighing against her nub, painting a delicate picture of heaven across her glans…
…They danced a timid, beautiful dance around the core of her sexuality

I loved the characterization, how effortlessly you drew a picture of Alex for us. I loved the dystopian society, so believable and so horrendous, and I loved how deftly you described it, with very few strokes of a brush. The level of detail was exactly right.

Personally, I sincerely thank you for the ending. I’d have nightmares until next year if you didn’t pull me back from the abyss like that.

Thank you for bringing this story to our attention and best of luck with your future endeavors.

 

[vagrantx]

https://media.tenor.com/bHdpUU6H2_cAAAAj/new.gif
okay let me gather myself for a moment.
breeeeathe
okay. okay.
okay.

Den här berättelse var så fruktansvärd bra att allt jag kan säga är helvete, kvinnan, hur du kan skriva! Sjutton också!

Herrejävlar tack tack tack

You also say you’re plagued by bad habits, but I have to say I don’t see what you’re talking about. If you want to clarify, we could take another look.

I overuse conjunctions; then, and, when, et cetera, resulting in some serious run-on sentences. I think? Now I'm not so sure, maybe I'm overly critical of myself. I was really preparing myself to be eviscerated on a grammatical level.

In previous reviews @AwkwardMD has mentioned that overusing first names in a two person dialogue is a major faux pas, and that happens both between Alex and Steph, and Alex and Del. Speaking of Del, I'm not happy at all with how his part of the dialogue turned out, in hindsight it feels overly repetitive and it's something I've been trying to work on in later stories.

Is there such a thing as losing confidence in your own self criticism? Double negative, is this what it feels like to gain confidence? Odd. I had a whole slew more loaded up before I read your review but now I can't think of anything else.

I was minutely bothered by the narration, because it worked so well from Alex’s perspective, close 3rd, but then occasionally you needed to step outside of her for example when she fainted, and used some kind of omniscient instead. I’m not sure it was needed, and in any case the parts where her thoughts bled into the narration were so integral to the story that I’d focus on pruning those parts out, or isolating them differently, rather than going for full omniscient.

I've honestly no idea how any of my viewpoints ended up coherent. I've since read up on narrative positions and am trying to be more consistent, but the difference between 3rd close and 3rd omniscient is still an absolute mystery to me. Not until right now did I realize that there was a difference in narration between awake-and-asleep Alex. Thank you for pointing it out, I'll be going back and re-reading it until my eyes bleed I reckon.

Language-wise you have it. I know I’m not a native and probably can’t evaluate this 100%, but if I one day have your level of English to use in my prose I’ll be happy. (Oh, except that it’s spelled “areola”. I constantly struggle with that one, because I, too, try to start with “ae” and after that no spellchecker knows what I mean, and trying to google translate from Finnish produces “nipple yard” instead of the correct word.)

Spelling errors aplenty was something I was prepared for. All I use is google docs auto correct and that does fail a lot. Also when I wrote this I knew no one on this site, and was much too scared to ask an editor for help. Getting a compliment for my prose means so, so much since it's the one thing I'm most self conscious about. Auraeolaeae is a fucking labyrinth of a word, I agree, but as with nipple yard it's still a lot better than swedish vårtgård. Wart yard. What the shit.

This, my friend, this is poetry:

I really liked that part, but I was scared to put it in since it has such a different tone from the rest of the story. I like it in a vacuum but it felt a bit out of place, was worried it would come across as pretentious nonsense. I'm really bad at handling praise (strange for someone with a praise-kink, right? perfect for a masochist.) so all I can say, again, is thank you

I loved the characterization, how effortlessly you drew a picture of Alex for us. I loved the dystopian society, so believable and so horrendous, and I loved how deftly you described it, with very few strokes of a brush. The level of detail was exactly right.

I was really happy with how the society I built seeped through between the paragraphs. I really don't enjoy exposition dumps, so letting it slowly build up in the readers mind (fading skyline, strange street layout for SF, the year mentioned at the top of the consent form etc) came out really well! Thanks for taking note!

You say you’re new to writing. My question to you is, what took you so long? How can you think there’s something else you should be doing? (My god, are you saying you’re as good or better at something else?)

Honestly I only started writing because I ran out of stories to read. It was a crapshoot which turned out to be pretty fun! I started writing Waves in the days between christmas and new years, went up on the 1st of Jan, then I wrote Encased over the next two nights.. I really have no idea what I'm doing, "jag skriver på magkänsla." I write on instinct?

Also I'm a pretty mean juggler! And people have been enjoying my digital art over at /amateurpics, so apparently that too

Personally, I sincerely thank you for the ending. I’d have nightmares until next year if you didn’t pull me back from the abyss like that.

Thank you for bringing this story to our attention and best of luck with your future endeavors.

The ending wasn't there initially, not until I remembered the rules on Lit and figured I couldn't leave it on a pitch black note. Had to put some hope in there, to have it allowed on the site. This bit me in the ass on my story Vertigo; Lauren denied it for being to damn grim and now it's a shadow of its former self, one which I'm not really happy with. But, such is life, and a couple of people really like it so it's all good!

Thank you for taking the time to read and review my doodles.
I really do appreciate it.
V.

PS. You're AMD and Apple. Is that intentional? Two tech giants reviewing smut. I love it.

 

[Omenainen]

I overuse conjunctions; then, and, when, et cetera, resulting in some serious run-on sentences. I think? Now I'm not so sure, maybe I'm overly critical of myself. I was really preparing myself to be eviscerated on a grammatical level.

In previous reviews @AwkwardMD has mentioned that overusing first names in a two person dialogue is a major faux pas, and that happens both between Alex and Steph, and Alex and Del. Speaking of Del, I'm not happy at all with how his part of the dialogue turned out, in hindsight it feels overly repetitive and it's something I've been trying to work on in later stories.

Is there such a thing as losing confidence in your own self criticism? Double negative, is this what it feels like to gain confidence? Odd. I had a whole slew more loaded up before I read your review but now I can't think of anything else.


I've honestly no idea how any of my viewpoints ended up coherent. I've since read up on narrative positions and am trying to be more consistent, but the difference between 3rd close and 3rd omniscient is still an absolute mystery to me. Not until right now did I realize that there was a difference in narration between awake-and-asleep Alex. Thank you for pointing it out, I'll be going back and re-reading it until my eyes bleed I reckon.

Once you’re above certain level of competence, the writing itself becomes invisible, and reader focuses on the storytelling unless you do something so screwed up it yanks them out of the story. Sure, there’s differences in styles of prose and some people get kicks out of honing each word and sentence to what they feel is perfect. I’m first and foremost a storyteller, so I feel that above certain level there’s diminishing returns in editing and re-editing and tweaking, because it doesn’t really enhance the story.

This is what AMD’s pizza delivery metaphor is about. Your story is the pizza; grammar and the rest, what was that acronym, SPAG, is how you deliver the pizza. If you get the pizza to the customer while it’s still hot, it doesn’t really matter if you’re driving an old Volvo or a Lamborghini. Good enough is good enough.

Also, once you’re above certain level, you get to do pretty much whatever you want as long as you keep the reader with you.

You do. And your pizza is damned good.

Spelling errors aplenty was something I was prepared for. All I use is google docs auto correct and that does fail a lot. Also when I wrote this I knew no one on this site, and was much too scared to ask an editor for help. Getting a compliment for my prose means so, so much since it's the one thing I'm most self conscious about. Auraeolaeae is a fucking labyrinth of a word, I agree, but as with nipple yard it's still a lot better than swedish vårtgård. Wart yard. What the shit.

I’ll see your vårtgård and raise you a nännipiha! But yeah, that’s a bitch of a word. Agreed. We should put together an areola support group for non-natives.

Editors are difficult to find and you don’t really need one. Make friends with authors you like and ask them to beta read, offering quid pro quo. Not that you really need that either, but it’s nice to have.

Honestly I only started writing because I ran out of stories to read. It was a crapshoot which turned out to be pretty fun! I started writing Waves in the days between christmas and new years, went up on the 1st of Jan, then I wrote Encased over the next two nights.. I really have no idea what I'm doing, "jag skriver på magkänsla." I write on instinct?

Keep the gut instincts, ditch the self doubt. You got this.

The ending wasn't there initially, not until I remembered the rules on Lit and figured I couldn't leave it on a pitch black note. Had to put some hope in there, to have it allowed on the site. This bit me in the ass on my story Vertigo; Lauren denied it for being to damn grim and now it's a shadow of its former self, one which I'm not really happy with. But, such is life, and a couple of people really like it so it's all good!

Yeah, Lit rules might be a problem with this kind of subject matter. It’s not good if you feel you need to sacrifice something of your artistic vision to fit the rules. I don’t have solutions for that though.

PS. You're AMD and Apple. Is that intentional? Two tech giants reviewing smut. I love it.

Ha, no. AMD was here years before me and my pen name is just the first thing that popped into mind when I was creating my account.

 

[vagrantx]

Editors are difficult to find and you don’t really need one. Make friends with authors you like and ask them to beta read, offering quid pro quo. Not that you really need that either, but it’s nice to have.

Quick shout out to @CalebZhass who's been great, we've been reading each others stuff for the past couple of weeks. Thanks Caleb!
-

I'll try and ditch the doubt. You've certainly given me a push to get back to my dusty files. kiitti.

hyvää yötä!

 

[TheRedChamber]

@vagrantx

I agree, very good story. Initially, I was reading it with 'not my fetish' going through my mind, that kind of went away as it became more extreme and I realized it was a flat-out horror story. It' not easy to write something where your protagonist is completely isolated and yet still keep it going, but every section here is well balanced and lasts just long enough.

I was going to write more but i think @MediocreAuthor covered many of the points I might have made.

It's a pity about your story getting cut off in part one. It was probably best that you posted the ending as part two, so people actually saw it, but now it's been out a while you might be better contacting Laurel and having the two parts merged. At the very least, add a note to part one to explain what happened.