AwkwardMD and Omenainen Review Thread

[AwkwardMD]

I just happened upon an essay about The Story of O that I hope you find interesting. It gives a better historical take on it than Wikipedia does, I think. It's How to Make a Film on 'Story of O' by @Vitavie.

I don’t know why you thought we would be interested in an essay on a story we’ve expressed active disinterest in, but we went and read it anyway. I don’t think this essay says what you think it says.

The historical perspective is fine, but we never disagreed with that. The main thrust of the article is about the film adaptation, why that sucks, and what she would do differently if she could. None of her ideas are specific to the medium of film, which makes them simply ideas for how to improve Story of O. Even self-professed fans of it see the flaws we picked out from the Wikipedia article (though I don’t think Vitavie understood that’s what they were doing).

Her ideas boil down to “spend more time with the characters, getting their thoughts, emotions, and motivations.” If that sounds familiar, it’s because we said the same thing about it and Twelve Maxbridge Street.

We subscribe to an evolutionary theory of writing, in that we can look at the things that came before to see what they got wrong and what they got right in an effort to improve what comes next. This, necessarily, removes any kind of mythical reverence for what came before. It can’t be the best thing there ever was, because if that was true then what are we doing here? Story of O gets no points for reputation, only what’s on the page. This essay does nothing to expand on our existing understanding of Story of O being a one-sided recitation of abuses, where the main character is actively discouraged from having a personality, is surrounded by two dimensional characters, and resorts to suicide when her Dom gets bored of her.

No thanks.

It’s possible to write stories about characters who seek out objectification (I've got a doozy), or abuse, or who are abused, and it can still be a good story. The trick is that, regardless of what kink you want to explore, you write a good story.

EDIT: Just in case there's been some confusion, we are not here to rate or score stories in the same way that films get reviewed by critics. Those people are attempting to perform a service on behalf of viewers, the audience, helping them understand what products to spend their time and money on. Don't go see this film, it stinks. See that film, it's great.

That's not us. We're not here for the readers. We are here to help our peers, and collectively improve ourselves and our writing.

Before we read your second story, are you sure that's what you want from us?

 

[AG31]

I don’t know why you thought we would be interested in an essay on a story we’ve expressed active disinterest in, but we went and read it anyway. I don’t think this essay says what you think it says.

The historical perspective is fine, but we never disagreed with that.

That's not us. We're not here for the readers. We are here to help our peers, and collectively improve ourselves and our writing.

Before we read your second story, are you sure that's what you want from us?

I just thought it showed how The Story could be taken seriously and not dismissed as out of date. Sort of like a course in 19th century literature might awaken appreciation for, say, Jane Austen.

I'm very interested in the whole discussion about "character" in erotica. As I said when I requested a review, Naked, is a story that, I think, turned out to have character at its center, although I didn't set out to do that. I'm curious as to whether other people (like yourselves) might agree that it is about character... as well as other things.

 

[AG31]

That's not us. We're not here for the readers. We are here to help our peers, and collectively improve ourselves and our writing.

Before we read your second story, are you sure that's what you want from us?

I should have been more explicit. Like I said when I submitted my first story, even if I'm not interested in changing what I am trying to do in a story, I'm very interested in increasing the effectiveness of how I do it. As you may recall, I improved Maxbridge by adding lubricant. I very often (usually) get something I can change when someone is willing to critique what I write. I probably won't clog the pipes here at Lit by updating the story. But they're all on Smashwords (free), and it's very easy to post a revision there. So, yes, I would very much like ideas about how to improve the writing.

 

[alohadave]

When you have a chance, I'd appreciate your thoughts on Taking Pictures.

I took your advice and reworked the story. It's been pretty well received, and I think it's an improvement over the first version Personal Photographer.

 

[joy_of_cooking]

I'm curious what you think of Her first foot boy. I'm particular, do I have characters this time?

For context, last time you said

the characters are barely characters, and it’s hard for non-characters to have roles.

It’s not that they’re badly written, but there’s just not that much there.

Oddly, the piece I'm asking you to review this time is even more explicitly written as stroke material. I figured, people seem to like my stroke material, why not give them more of that? To my surprise, someone said they liked the characters.

So, uh, did I somehow accidentally write characters?

(I actually am working on a story I intend to be more character driven. I'm going to be really sad if it turns out I'm better at writing characters when I don't try.)

Also happy to hear anything else you want to say, of course.

 

[AwkwardMD]

@AG31
Link

Leading with the good stuff!

This story is a huge step up in terms of complexity. There’s more characters, and they have important roles to fill! They have personality! They have feelings! They have a reason to be there!

The premise has weight, and it keeps a sense of itself. Nothing wanders too far from the core, which is fantastic. Love to see it. Much more natural dialog this time around too (though there was some fiddly punctuation within the dialog that stood out simply because the punctuation/grammar/technical writing everywhere else was exemplary).

Love to see growth, and experimentation. Love to see trying for more.

***

Okay, now the room for growth stuff.

Opening with action is fine in theory. but I think it might have been more efficient to open with a threat. Give our hero, say, a night’s time or so tied to a post or something so that Henderson would have time to ponder about this and remember how he’d heard about sexual surrender and to wonder if he could make it work for him. Not necessarily that all of this is brand new to him, but something more than “here’s a situation, oh noes, but hey he already knows what to do and sproing, there’s a hardon.”

***

Again, no mention of lubricant. It’s anal; lubricant is a necessity unless pain is the overwhelming point, and that changes the tone of everything.

***

Not every story idea has the same amount of scope. “There’s these two girls and they work together in a coffee shop” is a vague enough starting point that you could write a novel based on that, but “Two guys finally give in to their feelings for each other the night before one of them gets married” isn’t. It’s narrower. Some ideas work better as a chapter, or a single scene. Some ideas work better as a novel, a short story, or flash fiction.

Much like the difference between erotica and <insert whatever title you’ve finally landed on that doesn’t offend the sensibilities>, there isn’t a meaningful, qualitative difference between story ideas of different lengths. I just discovered the Youtube channel Omeleto, where they make short films. Obviously, the quality varies a little from short film to short film, but some of them pack an incredible amount of punch in a short period of time.

Generally speaking, these ideas would not benefit from being stretched. The germ of the idea comes with a window. Now, there’s certainly room for one author to say “I can take idea X and turn it into a 3k word ice pick” and another author to say “I can take idea X and turn it into a 10k word sledgehammer.” They may both be right, but in both of these hypotheticals these authors are understanding themselves as much as they understand the thing they’re trying to make.

I don’t think Naked is a 5k word idea. I think it’s a 1k word idea, and the stretching of it did not improve it. There’s a lot of good elements sprinkled between the three sex scenes, and in the interstitial moments, but I think it would have been stronger to try and condense it to one sex scene. Maybe an opening scene, a sex scene, and a scene afterwards.

I think that your goal in having three scenes was to have an element of escalation, and while that does happen, there isn’t enough going on around it to warrant that. It just feels like more. Yes, in real life these things happen over time, but fiction is a completely different animal. Time can be compressed in ways that wouldn’t happen in real life, and that’s a strength of the medium. Organized differently, you could have hit every single high note in Naked within a single scene, and the story would be stronger for the lack of fluff.

***

Naked edges into dangerous territory wherein gay sex, between men, is inherently humiliating. The only reason this works as a premise is if you start from the position that gay sex is something shameful and to be hidden. I don’t think you intended to imply that. Indeed, the inclusion of gay characters does muddy that topic, but it doesn’t excuse it entirely.

Now, are there real world parallels for this? Yes. Are there less progressive societies where this would 100% be treated as humiliation? Yes. I just read a news story wherein a current, modern times, elected leader of an east African nation (Burundi) wants all the LGBT people in his country to be rounded up, put into a stadium, and stoned to death. Now, in at least some of those cases, engaging in gay sex would irreversibly taint the giver as well as the receiver, and that undermines the use of it at all from first premise.

It is plausible, yes, but it’s still dangerous territory. I’ve talked before, in other reviews, about how humiliation is a tough topic to wrangle with because it always runs the risk of demeaning the kinks around it, like splash damage (or the first three rows of a Gallagher stand-up special), and this is no different. I’m not trying to hit you with the “you did a bad thing’ stick, but I would like to put it in your mind that there is nuance. You will always run the risk of a story like this getting into the hands of readers who are less willing to give you the benefit of the doubt for entirely understandable reasons.

***

There are a few too many characters for a story this short. Now, I understand where they came from. Henderson is the leader of a small troop, and their presence and proximity is essential for the humiliation aspect. Then, because you have multiple scenes, you introduced new characters for each scene because that makes sense. It would be convenient if it was the same two or three guys every time.

This loops back into the length, though. It’s too many people to keep track of, being introduced in a very short period of time. Aside from Henderson, they all kinda run together.

I understand where this came from, and it does make sense in context, but if you were doing this story over again (not recommended), a different path would fix this problem before it started. One scene, with 2-3 of Henderson’s subordinates being moved in and out of the scene as it escalates.

 

[AwkwardMD]

Apologies for the delay. Omen and I have been cowriting a story for months. Omen's event is happening now, so her plate is very full with beta reading and keeping up with the posted stories. We both also wrote individual stories for the event.

Then, on top of all of that, it's the holiday season. There's stuff going on.

We're getting caught up now. Thank you, everyone, for your patience.

 

[AG31]

Thanks very much for the thoughtful reply. I'd given up hope.
Just a couple of comments.

Again, no mention of lubricant. It’s anal; lubricant is a necessity unless pain is the overwhelming point, and that changes the tone of everything.

I revisited this story on my own just last night and made this edit. I added the word "glistening." Do you think that accomplishes the goal? "he realized that the black object in the hand of one subordinate was a glistening leather facsimile of a circumcised penis"

Naked edges into dangerous territory wherein gay sex, between men, is inherently humiliating. The only reason this works as a premise is if you start from the position that gay sex is something shameful and to be hidden. I don’t think you intended to imply that. Indeed, the inclusion of gay characters does muddy that topic, but it doesn’t excuse it entirely.

Yeah, but I'm a firm believer in the idea that you can't control what pushes your buttons. On the other hand, there were two gay men who seemed to be respected.

Thanks again for the time you spent on this thoughtful review!

 

[AwkwardMD]

I revisited this story on my own just last night and made this edit. I added the word "glistening." Do you think that accomplishes the goal? "he realized that the black object in the hand of one subordinate was a glistening leather facsimile of a circumcised penis"

If you hadn't already once submitted a story that omitted the use of lube, and you had this description, I would accept glistening and think nothing of it.

We only spotted this one because we noticed it in Twelve Maxbridge. In other words, we were looking for it where most people probably aren't.

 

[Omenainen]

@EmilyMiller
Link

Review part 1/2

There were a few sentences I liked in this story. For example, “Alan’s flowers were already wilting on the passenger seat” feels like a poetic foreshadowing on how the rest of her day will go. “This was where aspiration came to die,” referring to a neighborhood, paints a vivid picture with few words.

***

Technical stuff.

The level of technical comments we give depends on the story but also, to some extent, circumstances around the story. I have a theory that the site is more lenient toward a new author’s first submission, and so are we with our reviews. According to the foreword this is your 50th story. Fiftieth. For comparison, I have 32 stories published under my account, so I’m approaching this with the “by now you should know” attitude.

On a technical level, the story is plagued by SPAG problems. The most prevailing and disturbing one is sentence structure.

At least 30% of the sentences in AHDN are not sentences, they are improperly punctuated dependent clauses. If it starts with And or But, it’s not a sentence that stands on its own. You are writing compound sentences and probably, in your head, pronouncing them like compound sentences, but you are punctuating them as if the independent clause and the dependent clause are separate.

Take this example:

Jeff kissed Mimi's lips. "I don't think anything can top that. And I'm not sure that I even want to try. But can you hold me. I want to be held?"

“Can you hold me?” is a question. “I want to be held.” is a statement. “Can you hold me, I want to be held?” is a compound sentence that is also a question, but it doesn’t scan quite right. “I want to be held, can you hold me?” would work much better.

“But can you hold me.” is a command that would read extremely strangely coming from this character in this moment. “I want to be held?” doesn’t scan at all. Who is he asking?

It’s okay for the first draft to read “I don’t think anyone can top that, and I’m not sure that I even want to try, but can you hold me, I want to be held?” A good second step is to go through and chop it in pieces like done here. The third should be to go through again and end up with actual sentences. For example: “I don’t think anyone can top that, and I’m not sure that I even want to try. Can you hold me? I want to be held.”

Rule of thumb: don’t start sentences with conjunctions. You can do it sometimes, but using it as much as you do makes the text painful to read. Even if you had an editor, this is something you should do yourself. I don’t think anyone’s ideas are so precious that the actual writing in the writing should be left to an editing team, even if you had one.

Another puzzling one is this weird way of citing inner monologue in third person:

With Alan still sending tingles through her, she sunk down smoothly, taking all of him in one go. 'Fuck,' Mimi thought, 'maybe she had been doing anal wrong all these years. This she could get used to.'

You also don’t use semicolons correctly.

Sometimes, authors are trying to convey something with improper sentence structures or unconventional dialog. For that to work, you need to at first convince the reader that you know how to do it right, that doing it wrong is indeed a stylistic choice. Bucking convention requires understanding the convention, and this story does not demonstrate understanding the convention.

Having emojis between scene breaks is one thing, but having them inside the scenes to signify a break that isn’t a break is redundant and puzzling.

Making up phrasings like ‘phone is something that can work, used very sparingly, in a story that’s otherwise stylistically impeccable.

***

Beyond technicalities lies the storytelling.

I do not understand what tone you were going for. Based on the comments you left on the story it is “Slice of Life.”

This is not a slice of life story. Slice of life is a kind of story that is based on realistic depictions. Marriage Story is a 2019 slice of life film. It’s about a married couple who, after having some marital troubles, seek counseling and have some very difficult arguments. It is relatable in that their conflicts are familiar to people who have been married. The way that you, as a creator, make a slice of life story interesting is by having very clever dialog (and in the case of film, getting good performances out of your actors).

Even when the audience for a slice of life story can’t necessarily relate to what’s happening, like if they are unmarried, the story is grounded enough that the choices seem plausible. It feels real.

A Hard Day’s Night does not feel real (but we’ll get to that).

This is also not a Loving Wives story. The fact that the protagonist is married is a stapled-on afterthought to the rest of the story. It is able to come as a surprise because she spent zero time during the story considering any of the things that someone in a relationship, or someone who is a parent, would consider.

This is also not a stroke story. For one thing, the kinks being explored are multiple and varied. There is no cohesive sexual theme beyond the fact that Mimi is down to fuck (and on Lit, that is almost a universal given).

Not every story needs to be easily classified as ‘a kind of story’ and adhere to this genre or that trope, but I am not giving you the benefit of the doubt here. Remember, 50th story. I am not following you through a series of events, aiming forward and thinking “Oh, when she wraps this up I’ll be satisfied”, I’m looking backward at the path you took and thinking “what was the point?” and not finding any.

There’s zero foreshadowing for the twist in the end. None of Mimi’s thoughts throughout the day reflect having a child, and where she wakes up in the beginning doesn’t seem to be the same place she’s going to in the end. With an ending like this it’s not enough to have the reader go “I didn’t see that coming,” they should also go “ohh, I should have seen that coming.”

***

None of those are the main thing, though. The writing is a problem, and as a writer you should put this on your radar as something to improve on, but it’s not the main thing.

The main thing is the atrocious representation of sex work, a misrepresentation that fails on many levels.

It seems like you did enough research into sex work to find out that it’s important to be paid up front and that the client should shower/be clean, and called it a day. You omitted everything that would have made her work more safe. Why do you hate your main character so much?

A common element in the makeup of sex workers is having a very high sex drive. That is an asset for them, and there are ways to monetize it that, even with the drawbacks and dangers, make for a more lucrative and attractive career than a manufacturing job, or a cleaning job, or a retail job, or an office job. For Mimi to still be doing this into her thirties should indicate that she is smart, independent, safety-minded, and a motivated go-getter (all things I love to see in a female protagonist) but what is on the page is a character who makes the easy choices, goes along with whatever everyone else wants, ignores her own safety (and potentially the safety of others), and is more motivated by her libido than anything else.

The condom use is all over the place. In one scene, Mimi has a client who is actively developing feelings for her, and her response is to give him her Whatsapp info to give him a direct line of contact to her (I’m sure this will end well). In the next scene a client is immediately violent toward her, without warning, and she just decides to roll with it. In her narration, she admits to having restraints in her bag, but establishing that she does not mind being tied up is a far cry from giving everyone permission to freely hit her as long as they have money in their pocket. Jeff seems like a nice enough guy, but he doesn’t seem to have a problem with the fact that Mimi is bruised, black and blue all over (which she would be).

A charitable interpretation might be that this story is very client-focused. If you had written just one of these scenes from, say, Alan’s perspective, and in walks an Asian girl who is cute, and who flirts with him, and says all the right things, and smiles, this whole story would make so much more sense.

An uncharitable interpretation would be to call this story male-focused. Like, I understand what men see in it if they just see themselves as the clients and think “well I wouldn’t abuse her WhatsApp/I know I wouldn’t hit her too hard/If she came to me and had bruises, I would kiss them”, but what are women supposed to see in this besides their own worst sexual experiences? Clingy, violent, bigoted, limp.

There is the point to be made that yes, the gritty details of sex work are often very unsexy details, and that pulling back the curtain undermines the magic, but there is only ever magic for the client (hence, this is a client-centric depiction). I would also argue that one could include any or all of the missing behind the scenes details and still write an incredibly good story.

Who are you advocating for? What are you saying with your art? You’re not doing sex workers any favors by implying things like “if the prostitute just likes you enough, she’ll give you oral without a condom and she’ll give you her personal contact info” or “if you’re rich enough it’s okay to ignore consent and boundaries''. Personally I really don’t care for “being bicurious is reason enough to get your ass kicked” either. Or “only losers who’ve failed in life don’t live in fancy neighborhoods.”

 

[Omenainen]

Review part 2/2
***

The missing details aka Notes on how to write sex work

There are two reasons that an escort uses an agency: ease of contact with clients, and safety. No agency would have allowed Mimi to walk into a frat house alone. There could have been 2 clients, and there could have been 50. They would have sent a driver, at least, who would have waited to make sure she made it out. There are risks involved, and this story does not engage with them.

There’s no mention of her giving any kind of an all-clear of “I’m okay, I didn’t get raped or killed or robbed” after a client. This could be explained to be implied when she accepts the next job from the agency, but that’s undone by saying she has multiple agencies she works for. (Which also makes it convenient to the point of implausibility how the appointments just pop up one after the other at suitable intervals.)

At every encounter, before and after, Mimi should have been communicating with her agency. Getting information. Copies of current drivers licenses. Confirming arrival. Confirming departure. She is an asset to the company, so even from a purely capitalist position they should be invested in her safety.

The only time the story mentioned Mimi reporting back to the agency was after leaving the frat house, and that can be read as being for the benefit of the clients. As if she’s having to explain why she didn’t get the clients off as agreed.

The condom use. There is a special term within sex work, BBBJ, for blowjobs without condoms. It is usually a special service, and it costs extra rather than being the default delivery method. Someone who does this for a living might be invested in finding a flavored brand that is their favorite.

Sex workers are constantly negotiating services, and this does not happen with the sadistic client. He whips her, clamps her, gags her, and binds her without any attempt to communicate. He breaks the rules by taking the trophy photo without prior agreement. The first thing that should have gone through Mimi’s mind, upon this happening, was “Someone fucked up by not reporting him to the agency and getting him blacklisted.” The second thing should have been “As soon as I get free, I’m getting him blacklisted.” Her response couldn’t possibly be “how nice that he wants to abuse me again next week!” A $100 tip is an insulting and pathetic amount of money. It should have been ten times that given the severity.

Try to imagine how Mimi would feel if, a week later, another girl (a friend) died at that man’s hands. Try to imagine how Mimi’s family would feel if someone else had failed to get this man blacklisted, and this was the time he went too far. We have no reason to believe this man possesses a modicum of restraint. Pathological behavior tends to escalate.

If the BDSM scene had been sold as a repeat client, showing that they have previously established rules on how this will all play out, it might have worked. Written as is, it’s simply appalling.

Some sex workers prefer a stable clientele. Repeatable, dependable. Less risk of (unwanted) physical violence with known quantities. Some prefer new clients, because there is no chance of them growing attached. Given that Mimi has a family and isn’t looking for (pseudo)attachments, I would have put her in the second column, but this does not appear to have been an aspect that was considered at all.

In one scene, Mimi has a client who is actively developing feelings for her, and her response is to give him her WhatsApp info to give him a direct line of contact to her. Next to a violent psychopath, the client a sex worker wants to avoid most are the ones who decide they’re in love with her. Drawing hearts on envelopes, and getting too carried away with the fantasy. This is a prequel to jealousy, becoming too familiar, assuming that some services won’t need to be paid for. These are dangerous waters to navigate.

There was a line in the story about how funny it would have been if Mimi had run into one of her clients at a Shoprite. This is nightmare fuel for a sex worker, because people often do not see sex workers as people, or workers. They get objectified, and that kind of mindset carries over into other interactions. The way this plays out is that while trying to buy some tuna, a customer assumes her time is free, assumes her interest level, and attempts to get her to sneak off to the bathroom for a quickie. Throughout this story, you repeatedly allowed Mimi to be completely fine with being objectified. It’s a struggle Mimi should have been more aware of, not leaning into.

 

[EmilyMiller]

@EmilyMiller
Link

Review part 1/2 & Review part 2/2

Thank you for reading and for your detailed feedback.

I’m sorry the reading process was so painful for you on multiple levels. I certainly didn’t mean to trigger anyone with the content.

My only point in reply is that the ending wasn’t tacked on - though I appreciate my lack of skill may have made it seem that way - it was the original motivation for the story. Then intent and what the reader brings to things are different, especially for an inexperienced writer.

Again thank you for taking the time. I wish you a better experience with the next thing you read.

Em

 

[AG31]

Thank you for reading and for your detailed feedback.

I’m sorry the reading process was so painful for you on multiple levels. I certainly didn’t mean to trigger anyone with the content.

My only point in reply is that the ending wasn’t tacked on - though I appreciate my lack of skill may have made it seem that way - it was the original motivation for the story. Then intent and what the reader brings to things are different, especially for an inexperienced writer.

Again thank you for taking the time. I wish you a better experience with the next thing you read.

Em

The main thing is the atrocious representation of sex work, a misrepresentation that fails on many levels.

I haven't read your story, but, unless you specified that your story was meant to describe the real life of a sex worker, I don't think this criticism is appropriate. In a couple of my stories I have a forword where I say, "This is a fantasy. It is not meant to be a true representation of (sex work, dungeon, prison), about which I know almost nothing." I don't actually think that should be required, but I got enough feedback like your story got that I started including it.

 

[Djmac1031]

The main thing is the atrocious representation of sex work, a misrepresentation that fails on many levels.

The missing details aka Notes on how to write sex work

I gotta say you spent quite a bit of time picking apart the lack of "realistic" depiction of sex work in a FANTASY story written by an amateur who never made a claim of trying to represent sex work in a "realistic" manner.

Are all the little details you point out realistic to how a sex worker operates? Sure.

Did they NEED to be included in the story? Not at all.

 

[Bazzle]

I've now read @EmilyMiller story.

I saw one stray semi colon which I would put 1 cents on being a Microsoft word correction?

I've always found word LOVES a semi colon, when a full stop is actually required.

It's a story about a woman earning money. Supporting her loving family. She is a loving wife. I can see what game Emily was playing. What she gets up to at work is ultimately is turned into the sideshow.

To me there is clearly a backstory to the her husband and why she is a lady of the night.

Ultimately if we were going to fact check stories on here, we would probably all struggle to get past the authors name?

 

[AwkwardMD]

I gotta say you spent quite a bit of time picking apart the lack of "realistic" depiction of sex work in a FANTASY story written by an amateur who never made a claim of trying to represent sex work in a "realistic" manner.

All all the little details you point out realistic to how a sex worker operates? Sure.

Did they NEED to be included in the story? Not at all.

We weren’t sure what to make of it either until we got to the comments section:

EmilyMiller 2 months ago Author
@Tonyspencer - thank you for the detailed comment. This was meant to be a slice of a life. I didn’t really intend to put a bow on everything. My point was just that sex workers are people too. And that some of them are married. People have different ways of viewing a marriage. Em

Another comment opined that people live like this.

From Google:

Dictionary
Definitions from Oxford Languages ·
a slice of life
phrase of slice
a realistic representation of everyday experience in a movie, play, or book.

Going outside the story to find its purpose is unorthodox, but the answer was right there on the same page when we just scrolled down a little farther.

On the one hand, do not patronize her. She can and has stood up for herself, and she can very well answer for her own work. She was attempting to capture something real, and using the excuse of "oh it's just fantasy" is disingenuous.

On the other hand, we did not pick this story, and we did not give this to her out of the blue. We are a known quantity, and this was the story she sked about. We have written thousands of words worth of essays here on depictions of sex work, immigration, rape, sex, gender. Putting this story in front of us was always going to get an unflinching response.

You yourself wrote a comment on it to the tune of 'this is based on my story, how did this come out first?' and we have answered how. By not researching.

 

[lavendersilk]

I did a sex worker story @Omenainin

I wrote it several years ago. It is cringe worthy at times to myself. Have fun picking it apart. Read me for filth. It is my kink.

Just saying... if you are looking for "incorrect" portrayals of sex workers to complain about, feel free to peruse my little three-parter.

@EmilyMiller I will be reading, and no doubt enjoying, your story soon.

 

[Djmac1031]

On the one hand, do not patronize her. She can and has stood up for herself, and she can very well answer for her own harmful depictions. She was attempting to capture something real, and using the excuse of "oh it's just fantasy" is disingenuous.

I'm not here on her behalf, or to speak for her. My only point is the review was rather hyper focused on this point of "realism" to what I felt an unfair degree, considering we post on a site filled with unrealistic sex fantasies.

You yourself wrote a comment on it to the tune of 'this is based on my story, how did this come out first?' and we have answered how. By not researching.

To clarify that comment; we were both writing stories about sex workers at the same time. I poking fun at myself for writing so slow she finished hers before me.

 

[EmilyMiller]

While I appreciate the support. I’m the one to blame for making erroneous assumptions about the nature of this thread and for opening myself up to what happened.

No one needs to defend me. People are entitled to their views and to how they express them. No one has done anything against forum rules to me.

Let’s move on. We don’t need to rubberneck this car crash. Just take it as a warning to drive carefully yourself.

My final comment on this matter.

Em

 

[Omenainen]

I've now read @EmilyMiller story.

I saw one stray semi colon which I would put 1 cents on being a Microsoft word correction?

I've always found word LOVES a semi colon, when a full stop is actually required.

Would you say that this story was well written? Is this the level of technical proficiency that in your opinion is to be expected from someone with 50+ published stories? I see you conveniently didn’t care to mention the sentence structures, which was by far the most prevalent problem.

It's a story about a woman earning money. Supporting her loving family. She is a loving wife. I can see what game Emily was playing. What she gets up to at work is ultimately is turned into the sideshow.

This read to me like a first draft for a decent story. Fix the language, mind the sex work a bit better and maybe pick only 1-2 customers, add some clever foreshadowing, and there’s something there. I’m not sure the twist could be made to work with the kid included, but with only the husband, maybe.

To me there is clearly a backstory to the her husband and why she is a lady of the night.

There’s a lot of things that are outside the story.

Ultimately if we were going to fact check stories on here, we would probably all struggle to get past the authors name?

We tried to find the point of the story in the story, and failing that we read the comments EmilyMiller had left on the story. I agree that the story should contain its purpose, and the tone and level of fantasy should be apparent from the story itself.

 

[Djmac1031]

We don’t need to rubberneck this car crash.

Not rubbernecking. Simply, respectfully, offering a different point of view.

 

[Omenainen]

I did a sex worker story @Omenainin

I wrote it several years ago. It is cringe worthy at times to myself. Have fun picking it apart. Read me for filth. It is my kink.

Just saying... if you are looking for "incorrect" portrayals of sex workers to complain about, feel free to peruse my little three-parter.

@EmilyMiller I will be reading, and no doubt enjoying, your story soon.

While serving your kink is a worthy cause, it’s not what we’re here to do

I’m not going to treat this as a review request.

 

[Victoria14xs]

Thank you for reading and for your detailed feedback.

I’m sorry the reading process was so painful for you on multiple levels. I certainly didn’t mean to trigger anyone with the content.

My only point in reply is that the ending wasn’t tacked on - though I appreciate my lack of skill may have made it seem that way - it was the original motivation for the story. Then intent and what the reader brings to things are different, especially for an inexperienced writer.

Again thank you for taking the time. I wish you a better experience with the next thing you read.

Em

This is grace and polish, delivered after what had to have been a rough read.

 

[AwkwardMD]

I'm not here on her behalf, or to speak for her. My only point is the review was rather hyper focused on this point of "realism" to what I felt an unfair degree, considering we post on a site filled with unrealistic sex fantasies.



To clarify that comment; we were both writing stories about sex workers at the same time. I poking fun at myself for writing so slow she finished hers before me.

My whole goal, for all four years I've been working on this thread, is to emphasis purposefulness. Our art is powerful, and can be harnessed to do and say a lot. The site can be as full of unrealistic depictions as it wants to be, and plenty of authors have come here and said things like "I know this story is kind of unrealistic but what do you think about X, Y, and Z."

That's not what was put in front of us. That's not what this story was trying to be by her own words.

We have always encouraged conversations around our reviews. Our opinions are not the only opinions, and we are constantly hoping for greater participation by a wider group of authors. There is no one else here to help us (meaning all of us). We are all peers.

That being said, sex work is the point of this story. It tried to do something, and in our opinion it failed. We did a lot of research, and called in backup readers to help us grasp the scope of the problem, because the problems were manifold and all happening on different layers. Different vectors. Different aspects. It didn't feel helpful to say "it isn't realistic" and to leave it at that.

EDIT: To be clear, we thought that all of the things we found, specifically relating to sex work, deserved to be pointed out, explained, and then expanded on for the sake of greater understanding. That involved dissecting Emily's story.

 

[AwkwardMD]

Put differently, we think sex work and sex workers deserve respect. That extends to depictions of them in media.