❓ Inquiring Minds Want To Know - Discussion Thread

[BadAmy]

#80

(Submitted!!) I love these questions so if you have a suggestion or what to revisit one, please let me know!!


How important is reassurance in your D/s relationship? Subs, do you need your obedience to be recognized and validated often, your submission be acknowledged? Doms, how do you like to feel reassured in your relationship? Is the submission enough or do you need something more?

It is within my personality to seek reassurance. I am always looking to make Him happy, but I need to know if I am doing so. I can't read minds, and feel like an ass having to ask. "Daddy, Did I please you?"
Consider it quality control. When I receive that feedback, I helps me to understand that I am doing what He wants.
When I hear that I have done well, or that I am being thought of, or missed, or whatever the feeling at the time, it makes me feel special.
And this applies not just to my D/s relationship, but others as well. I consider it part of the feeding of the relationship. It feels good to hear good things, and likewise I express them in return. Whether it's simply, thank you, or more elaborate, "Thank you for the time you spent with me today, I know you were busy, and I deeply appreciate it."
words matter. a lot.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

#81

#81 (suggested)

Using Your Safe Word

When or of you ever had to use your safe word, how did it make you feel? Empowered or weak? Have you ever not used your safe words and later regretted it?

 

[Dreamliner]

#80

How important is reassurance in your D/s relationship? Subs, do you need your obedience to be recognized and validated often, your submission be acknowledged? Doms, how do you like to feel reassured in your relationship? Is the submission enough or do you need something more?

Like any relationship your partner likes those little acts, those words, that demonstrate you care for her. D/s, I view as a part of the overall relationship, not the be all and end all. Consequently, what I do, or say, I like to consider is right for that point in time between us.

I am not sure I would name it validation, more about the commitment I have with her, and it just happens she is submissive, therefore there are occasions where what I do or say is directly related to her submissiveness.

 

[wicked woman]

#81 (suggested)

Using Your Safe Word

When or of you ever had to use your safe word, how did it make you feel? Empowered or weak? Have you ever not used your safe words and later regretted it?

The first time I used it I felt horrible. I was in tears because I had disappointed him. Luckily I had a wise Dom who explained that he wasn't disappointed at all. He explained that as much as he tried to listen/watch/read my reactions, he wasn't a mind reader, and he relied on my ability to use my safe word if/when it was needed. In doing so, I had shown that I would. His words comforted me and let me into his world a little bit.

 

[ultramarineblue]

#81 (suggested)

Using Your Safe Word

When or of you ever had to use your safe word, how did it make you feel? Empowered or weak? Have you ever not used your safe words and later regretted it?

I am quick to use my safeword if needed. I didn't one time before and almost lost the partner over it. We stumbled onto a previously unknown hard limit and I pretty much froze. I think his hesitation at playing with me again was that he couldn't trust me to use it if I needed to. I was very clear to him that I felt horrible at not using it and that I did not blame him whatsoever. It took a good bit of discussion to get back to play.

I had a different partner after that where I felt guilty about using my safeword because during impact play it was always so quick. I felt like I was disappointing him. So I told him that and found out that the impact play was something he wanted to move through fast to move onto other stuff. He knew where limits were and quickly got me there. So my perception of disappointing him was completely wrong.

So all of that is to say that I learned use the safeword no matter what and communicate what you feel.

 

[Dom70]

I'm an odd duck. It can take a long, long while for me to orgasm. ***shrug*** Most people don't believe the time frames I've discussed when I've mentioned them. And that's fine. I really don't have anything to prove to anybody as far as that goes as long as my lover is satisfied (those that haven't safeworded out and run away).

But, I do have a couple of... hidden triggers that very, very few have managed to discover that will trip that switch and reft away my carefully cultivated control, reducing an hours long session to just a few minutes.

On the flip side of the coin, I have "forced" quite a few lovers through orgasms.

And, yeah, you're right. Women are wired very, very differently. Stimulation of erogenous zones will only get so far without a good mental game to stimulate their beautiful brain.

***shrug*** I'm not saying that I can grab some random gal off the street, rip her panties off, and have her cumming on command in twenty or thirty minutes. And, Hell, even binding you down and working you over a pair of vibrating nipple clamps affixed, a vibrating butt plug fitted, a piston-driven dildo, and a vibrating wand tied into place against your clit for hours might just make you sore and pissed-off.

Mood matters. Mood matters a helluva lot. And, in the spirit of full disclosure, in my experiences, it is much, much easier to force additional ones after the first than it is to hit the first mark.

But, with enough time and study, I've had some pretty good luck "fucking the grumpy right out" of... a few that I had enough time and connection with to know right where all the buttons were.

I don't know. As I say, I'm just a weird as fuck duck. And I tend to view orgasms as a badge of submission. So, I tend to prefer an eight or better to one ratio. And if I can manage twenty-two of hers to each one of mine, then so much the better.

I relate to this school of thought and practice. 22 to 1 sounds about right! (grin)

 

[Zionisacat]

#81 (suggested)

Using Your Safe Word

When or of you ever had to use your safe word, how did it make you feel? Empowered or weak?

Yep. Most recently I was getting tied up and something wasn't right so I safe worded out and my partner was distraught. Their distraught-ness and the "I'm sorries" and the hugs and the kisses led to a passionate make out session and a more sensual romp than was originally intended but talking about it afterwards we were both happy that I'd used it.
First time I safe worded I was pyling for someone with delusions of being a PYL. We knew each other from real life and while they were happy to overlook that, I held them in low esteem although physically very attractive. On with the scene we went but I couldn't slide into the right head space so after a few 'yellows' I 'red'ed out of there. True to form they were an asshole about it which only reinforced in my mind that I'd made the right call.

Have you ever not used your safe words and later regretted it?

In hindsight I should have used yellow a lot more than I have. Regret is not the right word for it. I'll come back and edit when I think of the right one.

 

[Acktion]

#81 (suggested)

Using Your Safe Word

When or of you ever had to use your safe word, how did it make you feel? Empowered or weak? Have you ever not used your safe words and later regretted it?

Yet another way I'm just duckin' weird, I guess. If she doesn't safeword, then how am I gonna know she's had too many orgasms and needs a break?

**shrug** Most people hear "safeword" and they think **whap-whap-whap** "Okay, that's hurting in a bad way!"

I use them differently in my sessions.

"How many orgasms can you handle? It took three hundred and twenty-seven for one to tap out. I know because I had her keep hash marks to tally when she finally safeworded."

And, yeah, I can remember a couple of times when I was far, far more upset with someone who didn't safeword when they should have than ever I've been when they did. (I will neither confirm nor deny that I've been safeworded while I was still unpacking my battle bag.)

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

#81 (suggested)

Using Your Safe Word

When or of you ever had to use your safe word, how did it make you feel? Empowered or weak? Have you ever not used your safe words and later regretted it?

I can only think of one serious instance where I had to use mine and I felt awful using it. But the scenario in the moment just wasn't working for me and was leaving me feeling bad and not in the fun way.
I thought for sure I was disappointing him and breaking a really immersive moment but in the end, he was relieved and wasn't feeling 100% ok with it either.

I think I'm the type of person who will always try to push through a situation and make it work not matter how mentally or physically uncomfortable it makes me. I've always been like - Lets just do it and deal with the feelings later. But I know this is actually not ideal in a submissive situation. Sometimes things become irreparable and that my partner in the situation is relying on me to know and speak my boundaries.

As someone once said - It's not a kink competition.

 

[Mei5ter]

#81 (suggested)

Using Your Safe Word

When or of you ever had to use your safe word, how did it make you feel? Empowered or weak? Have you ever not used your safe words and later regretted it?

And now I'm curious to know whether any PYLs have ever done this? Maybe when a scene has evolved in ways they didn't expect and didn't feel comfortable with?

 

[BadAmy]

#81 (suggested)

Using Your Safe Word

When or of you ever had to use your safe word, how did it make you feel? Empowered or weak? Have you ever not used your safe words and later regretted it?

i have used my safe word.
It was a difficult decision. because I felt like I was failing. Giving up on the event. I felt terrible.
But he assured me that it was okay. He respected the choice and me.
sometimes my ambition and drive to please gets in the way of my personal comfort zone and limitations.
I still struggle with my safewords because I don't want to let him down. But then I need to care for myself, too.

 

[gracie920101]

i have used my safe word.
It was a difficult decision. because I felt like I was failing. Giving up on the event. I felt terrible.
But he assured me that it was okay. He respected the choice and me.
sometimes my ambition and drive to please gets in the way of my personal comfort zone and limitations.
I still struggle with my safewords because I don't want to let him down. But then I need to care for myself, too.

Good point, Amy, about needing to care for yourself.

I think using one's safeword also increases the PYL's comfort level knowing that you will look after yourself if They miss any signs or signals before that moment.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

Oh hey! Remember me? Probably not. That's ok I'll jog your memory. It's time to revive this little wealth of experience and information for a new generation of kinky folk. Get ready for new questions and a reexamination of older ones.

#82
How has your kink evolved over the years? Have you explored more or refined what you already like? Have you explored/experienced anything that would surprise the newbie kinkster in you? Have your boundaries shifter? If so, how?

 

[TANSTAAFL58]

Oh hey! Remember me? Probably not. That's ok I'll jog your memory. It's time to revive this little wealth of experience and information for a new generation of kinky folk. Get ready for new questions and a reexamination of older ones.

#82
How has your kink evolved over the years? Have you explored more or refined what you already like? Have you explored/experienced anything that would surprise the newbie kinkster in you? Have your boundaries shifter? If so, how?

Glad somebody revived thus. PLP reviving it is even better.

My D/s kinks gave matured. We gave explored more toys / tools, lots more rope work and deeper communication. Our boundaries have shifted towards what many would consider the more extreme end if the spectrum. But, in many ways, that's natural. It's growth, I think.

Surprise? Haha! I am a Dominant who has experienced just about everything my sub have received. I think that's important. It's also why my dog doesn't have a shock collar...yes, I tried it.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

Glad somebody revived thus. PLP reviving it is even better.

It's my thread

 

[Radiantcurves87]

Oh hey! Remember me? Probably not. That's ok I'll jog your memory. It's time to revive this little wealth of experience and information for a new generation of kinky folk. Get ready for new questions and a reexamination of older ones.

#82
How has your kink evolved over the years? Have you explored more or refined what you already like? Have you explored/experienced anything that would surprise the newbie kinkster in you? Have your boundaries shifter? If so, how?

Yes my kink has evolved over the years. Have been exploring more of not only my submissive side but mainly the brat and little. Yes, more than redefined what I already liked and have enjoyed. Not yet on the anything that has surprised me, but maybe give it more time. Because I am willing to discuss what my boundaries are, try and test them to see if they will shift. Other limits are still a hard no, and that won't change.

 

[spankableBelle]

#82
How has your kink evolved over the years? Have you explored more or refined what you already like? Have you explored/experienced anything that would surprise the newbie kinkster in you? Have your boundaries shifter? If so, how?

My kink is still curious, still shifting and changing, still evolving. When I started out, I had a list of No's a mile long. A lot of those have become Yes's and Sure, let's try that out's.
I've explored and expanded on what I already liked, yes.
And yes, I have explored several things that the newbie kinkster in me would be quite shocked at... And some of my boundaries and limits have shifted as I've gotten older, as I understand myself better, as I look at why something would be a limit or boundary.
My mind has opened in some ways, closed in other ways. I'm much more in tune with myself than I was 20+ years ago when I began exploring my kink side and I'm much stronger, mentally, especially, than I was back then.

 

[TANSTAAFL58]

It's my thread

That makes it better: good to see you PLP.

 

[Ashesh9]

My kink has evolved into Goddessdomme: I cane myself in front of a huge image of Goddess Kali and fantasize my bared/ presented buttcherks R being spanked by a Goddess: Devi Kali/ Devi Durga/ Devi Radhika/ Devi Laxmi or Devi SaraswatiView attachment 2266015View attachment 2266016

 

[Acktion]

Oh hey! Remember me? Probably not. That's ok I'll jog your memory. It's time to revive this little wealth of experience and information for a new generation of kinky folk. Get ready for new questions and a reexamination of older ones.

#82
How has your kink evolved over the years? Have you explored more or refined what you already like? Have you explored/experienced anything that would surprise the newbie kinkster in you? Have your boundaries shifter? If so, how?

I get tired easier and need way more naps.

Also, I've noticed we aren't near as limber.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

Oh hey! Remember me? Probably not. That's ok I'll jog your memory. It's time to revive this little wealth of experience and information for a new generation of kinky folk. Get ready for new questions and a reexamination of older ones.

#82
How has your kink evolved over the years? Have you explored more or refined what you already like? Have you explored/experienced anything that would surprise the newbie kinkster in you? Have your boundaries shifter? If so, how?

Oh man, my kink has evolved so much and being on Lit is a nice reminder of where I started and where I am. I think I was so green to so much of the language and experiences that I just wanted to do and be everything with and for everyone. I felt like I had something to prove. Now, I’m more thoughtful in my approach and more sympathetic to others as they go through the same learning curve.

Years and many experiences later, I’ve refined so much. I hate saying “grown” because that makes it seem like where I started wasn’t good enough and for many people it’s exactly right. I’ve realized submission, for me, is very complicated and so much different than nicknames, tasks, and rough sex. For me, it’s darker and requires a lot but is so rewarding. It’s deep and fiery and scary and exciting and rewarding and so, so full of love. I’ve been entirely supported by a partner who is my match and makes it feel so easy and fulfilling.

I think my newbie self would be surprised to see herself shirk the “sub” label, finding it so limiting. She would be surprised at some of the things she’s allowed herself to confess. She’d be incredibly turned on by some experiences I’ve allowed myself to have and she’d be overwhelmed at her luck. I think she would be surprised at some boundaries I’ve let go of completely and some lines that I’m still defining as things unfold. I think she’d be proud though.

The one thing that hasn’t changed is that my mind has stayed so wide open. I like learning and experiencing and sorting through everything.