Sexless Marriages

[terrible_secrets]

Hi All,

This feels like some form of AA meeting and I get the idea behind it as a place to vent and get the truth off our chests, so...

Hi I am Alan and my wife and I have been married for 14 years this year, but we have been together for over 22 years now. Reading the thread I guess I have not got it as bad as many which makes me a little more humble to the situation. Our sexlife has slowly been deteriorating for the last eight years or so. Illness and mental health on the wifes part has been the main cause (not placing blame here) so our intimate moments have gone from 3 to 4 times a week to 3 to 4 times a month to one every 3 or 4 months, we currently standing at a 5 month drought so this has been the longest so far.

When she is on she is ON, lost time is made up very quickly as we are both aware that it may burn out quickly, then we are into the drought again. Sex is NOT our relationship, it is part of it and we have our kids and everything around us that binds us as a unit, I could never think about leaving her because shes not putting out enough for me.

But, I have strayed, two one night stands and almost an actual affair, that one we both saw sense and backed away. Is it tempting to have one night stands? it really, really is! So instead, to temper that urge/need I end up on a site like this looking for a connection that won't involve me getting into a physical bed with another woman, a fair trade off or so I tell myself, perhaps I am being a hypocrite, or selfish.

Hmmmmmm sounds in a way like my story.. what I lack more than sex is the intimacy.. all though sex is lacking too but over time, other priorities come first so that's understandable.. but droughts are not something that I can digest.. so..

 

[terrible_secrets]

Yep. Same situation over this way. Husband has t been intimate (not even hugs or kisses) for a bit over six years when he told me he’s now asexual.

I’ll go with others and say that while I abstained and behaved for six years... not so good a behavior as of this year. I have needs and not ready to live a life without sex.

VIVA LA SURGE!

Yeah understandable. Am not getting it at home, that doesn't mean am not going to get it at all.

 

[Happyjack122448]

Hi All,

This feels like some form of AA meeting and I get the idea behind it as a place to vent and get the truth off our chests, so...

Hi I am Alan and my wife and I have been married for 14 years this year, but we have been together for over 22 years now. Reading the thread I guess I have not got it as bad as many which makes me a little more humble to the situation. Our sexlife has slowly been deteriorating for the last eight years or so. Illness and mental health on the wifes part has been the main cause (not placing blame here) so our intimate moments have gone from 3 to 4 times a week to 3 to 4 times a month to one every 3 or 4 months, we currently standing at a 5 month drought so this has been the longest so far.

When she is on she is ON, lost time is made up very quickly as we are both aware that it may burn out quickly, then we are into the drought again. Sex is NOT our relationship, it is part of it and we have our kids and everything around us that binds us as a unit, I could never think about leaving her because shes not putting out enough for me.

But, I have strayed, two one night stands and almost an actual affair, that one we both saw sense and backed away. Is it tempting to have one night stands? it really, really is! So instead, to temper that urge/need I end up on a site like this looking for a connection that won't involve me getting into a physical bed with another woman, a fair trade off or so I tell myself, perhaps I am being a hypocrite, or selfish.

Surrogates are really hard to come by. Some chats I have suspected to be fraudulent at some level. Guy pretending to be female. One I suspected to be law enforcement.

 

[adamISOeve]

Hi All,

This feels like some form of AA meeting and I get the idea behind it as a place to vent and get the truth off our chests, so...

Hi I am Alan and my wife and I have been married for 14 years this year, but we have been together for over 22 years now. Reading the thread I guess I have not got it as bad as many which makes me a little more humble to the situation. Our sexlife has slowly been deteriorating for the last eight years or so. Illness and mental health on the wifes part has been the main cause (not placing blame here) so our intimate moments have gone from 3 to 4 times a week to 3 to 4 times a month to one every 3 or 4 months, we currently standing at a 5 month drought so this has been the longest so far.

When she is on she is ON, lost time is made up very quickly as we are both aware that it may burn out quickly, then we are into the drought again. Sex is NOT our relationship, it is part of it and we have our kids and everything around us that binds us as a unit, I could never think about leaving her because shes not putting out enough for me.

But, I have strayed, two one night stands and almost an actual affair, that one we both saw sense and backed away. Is it tempting to have one night stands? it really, really is! So instead, to temper that urge/need I end up on a site like this looking for a connection that won't involve me getting into a physical bed with another woman, a fair trade off or so I tell myself, perhaps I am being a hypocrite, or selfish.

@Alan, I liked reading your post for its level-headedness. And also because you write your aims go beyond simply complaining. You seem like one of the few men here who aims for a constructive solution to the problems vented here. Good luck on your search for a non-physical partner for intimacy.

But as HappyJack states, such a woman is mighty hard to find, as I am finding out. I had know one for more than 4 years, and for a while we gave each other a lot of comfort, and erotic intimacy as well. But our affair ended nevertheless. So maybe humans are just not made for life-long monogamy?

The details in your post suggest to me that your first 8 years together with your wife, without being married, were better in terms of intimacy than your latest 8 years. Or maybe it simply takes a long while until incompatibilities begin showing up. And in addition, you and your wife develop over time, and not necessarily in the same direction.

So the real culprit may well be the institution of marriage., what do you think? Or of far too long marriages. Mother Nature designed human beings to last for about 30 years, which makes for a bit longer than 15 years of sex at most. And such short periods of sexual harmony are doable. So might we – perhaps – be far better off with a series of say 10-year marriages? Or with society-approved sexual arrangements which include more than only two people?

 

[Volk359]

Hi All,

This feels like some form of AA meeting and I get the idea behind it as a place to vent and get the truth off our chests, so...

Hi I am Alan and my wife and I have been married for 14 years this year, but we have been together for over 22 years now. Reading the thread I guess I have not got it as bad as many which makes me a little more humble to the situation. Our sexlife has slowly been deteriorating for the last eight years or so. Illness and mental health on the wifes part has been the main cause (not placing blame here) so our intimate moments have gone from 3 to 4 times a week to 3 to 4 times a month to one every 3 or 4 months, we currently standing at a 5 month drought so this has been the longest so far.

When she is on she is ON, lost time is made up very quickly as we are both aware that it may burn out quickly, then we are into the drought again. Sex is NOT our relationship, it is part of it and we have our kids and everything around us that binds us as a unit, I could never think about leaving her because shes not putting out enough for me.

But, I have strayed, two one night stands and almost an actual affair, that one we both saw sense and backed away. Is it tempting to have one night stands? it really, really is! So instead, to temper that urge/need I end up on a site like this looking for a connection that won't involve me getting into a physical bed with another woman, a fair trade off or so I tell myself, perhaps I am being a hypocrite, or selfish.

It does feel good to talk (write) about it, doesn’t it?

Hypocrite or selfish? I say no, you’re only trying to satisfy a physical need that your spouse won’t or can’t fulfill. As long as you can keep emotion out of it and not be “dating”.

I have a very good and loving wife and I don’t want to change that. I don’t feel it’s her fault that menopause stripped her of her physical needs. As much as I’d like to be with another woman it’s only to satisfy my sexual desire and I’d be very up front with that. Wish I could find a woman in a similar situation.

 

[eomerson]

Thahks to everyone in this thread for real discussion and input.

 

[Bacchus6153]

Sex surge

The thing you’re referring to in relation to women in their 40s and 50s is termed the Sex Surge - you should google it. I was on another chat site frequented by women and there were a considerable number of women commenting about it. My own marriage has been sexless over 7 years and now I find it extremely difficult. I wouldn’t say my behaviour has been entirely exemplary for the last year but I’m finding it hard to feel bad about it.

I can relate as well. Would love to chat sometime. Maybe help each other out.

 

[tonykrane01]

I’m in this boat too. Sex with the wife still happens on occasion. the last time it took a while for her to adjust to my big cock. I licked her clit to orgasm before and my cock still hurt her. My sex drive is off the charts so I get myself off as many times as possible every day.

 

[terrible_secrets]

I am also in a sexless marriage for some years. As with everyone who has posted in a similar situation there’s a life unsaid in those words but we know what is meant - wouldn’t have wished it for me, for any of us.

Lots of well-known arguments for some kind of sex outside a sexless marriage and while few are confliction free for all the obvious reasons - reason does not have too much influence over a long pent-up lusting, “Brace yourself Girl, you’ve pulled!” (US translation is something like, “I want you and I want you now!”)

Good thought for us to use a place like this to find someone who will become a real friend to behave badly with. I like that - the good friend, the behaving badly bit

Hahahaha good friend to behave badly with.
What a lovely and perfect idea!

 

[WandererLost]

@Alan, I liked reading your post for its level-headedness. And also because you write your aims go beyond simply complaining. You seem like one of the few men here who aims for a constructive solution to the problems vented here. Good luck on your search for a non-physical partner for intimacy.

But as HappyJack states, such a woman is mighty hard to find, as I am finding out. I had know one for more than 4 years, and for a while we gave each other a lot of comfort, and erotic intimacy as well. But our affair ended nevertheless. So maybe humans are just not made for life-long monogamy?

The details in your post suggest to me that your first 8 years together with your wife, without being married, were better in terms of intimacy than your latest 8 years. Or maybe it simply takes a long while until incompatibilities begin showing up. And in addition, you and your wife develop over time, and not necessarily in the same direction.

So the real culprit may well be the institution of marriage., what do you think? Or of far too long marriages. Mother Nature designed human beings to last for about 30 years, which makes for a bit longer than 15 years of sex at most. And such short periods of sexual harmony are doable. So might we – perhaps – be far better off with a series of say 10-year marriages? Or with society-approved sexual arrangements which include more than only two people?

I saw this message yesterday but due to work commitments failed to respond.

The institution of marriage....
Marriage back in the good old days we're arranged between families the "lucky" couple had little to no choice. Western concepts changed and marriage became about love, soul mates etc. There are still arranged marriages for many cultures and religions.

My wife and I married for love, for the fact that we connected and yes sex was GOOOOD lol. We didn't marry under the gaze and blessing of God.

I won't leave her because sex is no longer good or not there, a relationship built purely on the basis of sex, in my eyes is doomed to fail....let's face it, sooner or later the sex stops.

I have never been under any illusion that our sexlife would be as continous as it was in the early stages of our relationship, does it surprise me how its come about, how much it has effected me and her? Hell yes no matter what you expect in life when it happens its never like the movies, cinema fare or porn (as we know many people see porn as how sex should be! Quite worrying that one but that's a different topic)

So should marriages be open, should we rotate partners every 10 to 15 years? If we do what happens when we don't find the next partner?

What happens when she does and you don't? Do we demand that both parties stay together hating one another because the only thing that tied them together was sex.

I saw a post here where some guys wife is probably sleeping with another man, yet here we all are talking about our sexless lives and many people talking about leaving their partners or having affairs.....why can we do that but not our wives? Two way street of we can? Why can they not?

Yes I am a hypocrite, I have had one night stands I regret them but also feel a release from them, I know its a weird duality but I am no therapist so who knows what that means! Both times were for sex, not just for me but for them too, beyond sex I doubt any one of us felt a more intimate connection other than that we could have one another in that moment.

What if my wife finds a lover? Fuck knows how I will handle that, shit I will rage I will complain but fuck it the truth is I have slept around how can I be the moral compass I am on site looking at and talking about porn.

There it is, no more to add, well there probably is but all those thoughts will come hours later as usual.

 

[2ServeWoman]

Anyone else with this problem?
I have a high sex drive and the wife doesn't.
Looking for others with this problem, and possibly helping fill our needs.

Her libido died going on 16 years - tough road to ho! What sucks is she thinks nothing of what she’s NOT doing!

 

[AspiringAuthor]

Do you have to get a formal divorce? What will happen if you just leave without filing any papers? Yes, you wouldn't be able to remarry, but that doesn't mean that you wouldn't be able to enjoy life and everything it might bring your way.

Florida doesn't have legal separation. Either we're married, or we're not. I wish it was the case, but to be honest, I might be willing to make the sacrifice just to get away from him. He's come after me twice in the last two weeks. I'm afraid of him. Despite being in a wheelchair, the man is freakishly strong. Found that out tonight.

I suppose if my new beau and I can't marry, it wouldn't be the worst thing ever, but I'd love nothing more than to have his name someday, if he'll have me. I suspect he might.

 

[AnnieLit]

Florida doesn't have legal separation. Either we're married, or we're not. I wish it was the case, but to be honest, I might be willing to make the sacrifice just to get away from him. He's come after me twice in the last two weeks. I'm afraid of him. Despite being in a wheelchair, the man is freakishly strong. Found that out tonight.

I suppose if my new beau and I can't marry, it wouldn't be the worst thing ever, but I'd love nothing more than to have his name someday, if he'll have me. I suspect he might.

Medical evaluation and police report! Right now! Don't wait for anything else to happen! And (I am no lawyer) it just might help you get out of any financial obligations as well - what judge in their right mind would penalize you for getting out of a situation of physical abuse?

 

[silky52]

Medical evaluation and police report! Right now! Don't wait for anything else to happen! And (I am no lawyer) it just might help you get out of any financial obligations as well - what judge in their right mind would penalize you for getting out of a situation of physical abuse?

Absoultely a must. I have a lot of experience in advising on DV was on a hotline for four years. So please get yourself down there to the police and get everything, absolutely everything documented. Photographs, and document each time what happens and the results. DV is the curse of our society. Please be safe.

 

[sarod]

I am guilty here! it's been a few depressing years now, and it has spiralled out of control, I have lost all attraction for her, she's a big girl, you don't even know, but it didn't bother me before, but I don't really want to touch her now, kind of turned off by her appearance, not sure how this happened, bbw's are nice, but this is beyond, and my bisexual desires have been leaning to the cock side lately, yet wishful thinking. Perhaps all the pain of being a man with desires and always being turned down have just made me numb and cold to where I just don't care anymore and now if she instigated anything, she has mentioned sex recently, but now I would return the favor and ignore her advances, and it doesn't feel right, but it feels normal now, just room mates, but obviously she feels the same, so we continue to cohabitate, for me it feels like the living expense thing, stuck because of costs of living, like unhappiness is the new norm because living outcosts life's wage earnings, so I just stick around trapped in this sexless void.

 

[blulilacgrl]

It's been at least 1 1/2 years since sex. And it wasn't that prevalent before. Somehow it seemed like we kept missing each other. I spent years begging and then when he finally felt the urge, I was so hurt by the decade of having to literally beg for sex that I just couldn't bring myself to respond to him. By the time I was able to reach out, he started drinking and just generally being an asshole. So many damned missed opportunities. I love him. Or at least I love who I fell in love with. And on the days that he is again that person, I can be happy.

I don't want to just go out and find a body. Even though I've threatened it, I can't bring myself to actually do it. For years I had someone who could fill the emotional intimacy gap, someone I connected with deeply but those days are over. And I just don't know if it's worth it to open myself again to anyone. Oftentimes it feels like too much damn work.

 

[silky52]

It's been at least 1 1/2 years since sex. And it wasn't that prevalent before. Somehow it seemed like we kept missing each other. I spent years begging and then when he finally felt the urge, I was so hurt by the decade of having to literally beg for sex that I just couldn't bring myself to respond to him. By the time I was able to reach out, he started drinking and just generally being an asshole. So many damned missed opportunities. I love him. Or at least I love who I fell in love with. And on the days that he is again that person, I can be happy.

I don't want to just go out and find a body. Even though I've threatened it, I can't bring myself to actually do it. For years I had someone who could fill the emotional intimacy gap, someone I connected with deeply but those days are over. And I just don't know if it's worth it to open myself again to anyone. Oftentimes it feels like too much damn work.

Story of my life, so hard to deal with!

 

[Rob_Royale]

My wife and I are in this situation too, after 31 years together, for a couple of reasons that I won't go into here.
When we talked about it, I told her one thing. I can live without sex if I have to. But I will NOT live without intimacy. I'll never live with her as a roommate. We can still be lovers without sex. She understood and agrees. So we have been taking more time out to be intimate. More kissing, more snuggles on the couch, more holding each other in bed, watching the sun come over the hillside. More evenings outside by the fire pit. And she understands that I will never, ever, stop grabbing her bod like a horny eighteen-year-old.
We have come to a mutual understanding and it's working for us. Because the love, the attraction is still there. For those of you living without even that, you have my most profound sympathies.

 

[Mtnmike]

Story of my life, so hard to deal with!

Me three unfortunately.

 

[JudyCD]

I’ve posted this before but I have a two married men who visit me occasionally to get what their wives won’t give.

 

[LustyScribe]

It's been at least 1 1/2 years since sex. And it wasn't that prevalent before. Somehow it seemed like we kept missing each other. I spent years begging and then when he finally felt the urge, I was so hurt by the decade of having to literally beg for sex that I just couldn't bring myself to respond to him. By the time I was able to reach out, he started drinking and just generally being an asshole. So many damned missed opportunities. I love him. Or at least I love who I fell in love with. And on the days that he is again that person, I can be happy.

I don't want to just go out and find a body. Even though I've threatened it, I can't bring myself to actually do it. For years I had someone who could fill the emotional intimacy gap, someone I connected with deeply but those days are over. And I just don't know if it's worth it to open myself again to anyone. Oftentimes it feels like too much damn work.

You nailed it, blulilacgrl: It just starts to feel like too much work. Too much because it's not worth the heartbreak, the rejection that is FAR more likely to be the response than agreement. Too much because we love them and WANT TO give them pleasure and receive it back. Too much because it just.shouldn't.be.this.hard.
I have had a couple of people here on Lit that I could talk with, and it really did help, but on here it seems like people really tend to just drift off into the void. Somedays I long as much for the intimate conversation as I do the physical intimacy.

 

[Bbl87]

I’ve posted this before but I have a two married men who visit me occasionally to get what their wives won’t give.

I've always thought I'd never consider such an arrangement, but the longer our intimacy issues go on, it seems less and less out there as a possibility (though not in exactly the same context).

 

[adamISOeve]

You nailed it, blulilacgrl: It just starts to feel like too much work. Too much because it's not worth the heartbreak, the rejection that is FAR more likely to be the response than agreement. Too much because we love them and WANT TO give them pleasure and receive it back. Too much because it just.shouldn't.be.this.hard.
I have had a couple of people here on Lit that I could talk with, and it really did help, but on here it seems like people really tend to just drift off into the void. Somedays I long as much for the intimate conversation as I do the physical intimacy.

Very regrettable, what you wrote into your post, LustyScribe, is true to a large extent. It should not be so, but it often turns out that way. I’ve been raking my brain for years, trying to nail down root causes for all this heartbreak. With at most very little success.
I suspect the main reason is that you and I are aiming for an (almost) impossibility – getting to know a remote mail partner in a relatively short time span, and doing this without physically encountering each other. If this ever works out, it’s not a reliable process for sure.

Since two people engaged in such a process are bound to succumb to “exuberant enthusiasm”, almost by necessity. Why and how? When two people – finally – meet by mail who appear to resonate rather well, the joy of this happening can be so great that both throw caution to the wind and assume this person I met, after a far too long search, and I fit together perfectly. .. Not recognizing that no two people ever match perfectly. And the challenge to master then becomes to accommodate imperfection. Providing some basic essentials do exist between two people.

But nailing down what these essentials are, and finding out whether they exist, can take a long time. And it requires honesty. Plus: some patience and sticking to a few agreed-upon commitments. .. After all, even a not-so-perfect hook-up can bring with it immense joy and lots of fun. So usually it boils down to how much the not-so-perfect hook-up contributes. And the contributions to her life tend to differ from the contributions to his life. Or they can be viewed and “weighed” differently.

So generally one of the two finds the key threshold to be exceeded, while the other one does not.

The only solution I know to this conundrum is to severely lower thresholds. Like if all two people are after is (better) orgasms, that does not take too much. But when the aim is a certain quality of common intimacy, that is far tougher to come by. .. OK, that was my two cents worth of brain raking. Do you care to comment, Lusty Scribe?

 

[blulilacgrl]

You nailed it, blulilacgrl: It just starts to feel like too much work. Too much because it's not worth the heartbreak, the rejection that is FAR more likely to be the response than agreement. Too much because we love them and WANT TO give them pleasure and receive it back. Too much because it just.shouldn't.be.this.hard.
I have had a couple of people here on Lit that I could talk with, and it really did help, but on here it seems like people really tend to just drift off into the void. Somedays I long as much for the intimate conversation as I do the physical intimacy.

I think what I'm beginning to recognize is not that I miss sex or intimacy, I miss sex and intimacy with specific people. I think I can now understand those people who lose their partners and never look for another. Because who can measure up?
Even my husband is having a difficult time measuring up to the man he used to be.

 

[PapaRomantic]

Even my husband is having a difficult time measuring up to the man he used to be.

Wow, you have really set me to thinking about this. It's like you've opened a door to a thought I've never experienced before. Time to go process this...