Things That Make You Uncomfortable....But Also Turn You On

[IrisAlthea]

The actuality of a CNC scene is much more terrifying to me... would require oodles of trust negotiation and probably therapy...

The therapy comment hints at something that I think is often forgotten:
Yes, you need to trust your partner, but you also need to trust yourself.

 

[cascadiabound]

The therapy comment hints at something that I think is often forgotten:
Yes, you need to trust your partner, but you also need to trust yourself.

Agreed. I would not rule out the possibility that a CNC scenario might ease /reframe trauma issues related to actual assualt/rape (speaking as someone who has suffered such things)

 

[MissPennyLane]

I think sometimes it's the thinking about /fantasizing about CNC, talking about it, being riled up while he whispers in your ear all the ways he wants to defile you "against your will" has a lot of arousal power. The actuality of a CNC scene is much more terrifying to me... would require oodles of trust negotiation and probably therapy... and after all that would it be fun? Doubt it.

I think for me it would be worth the effort from various other kinks and situations I've tried... but we are all different aren't we? *Hugs*

 

[cascadiabound]

I think for me it would be worth the effort from various other kinks and situations I've tried... but we are all different aren't we? *Hugs*

You do you. Absolutely

 

[Tallcajun]

In reading your posts, CB, it sounds like you are about to explode, sexually.

Hesitant, of course, as you should be. But your need comes thru in these posts of yours. I ,for one, hope you can find these real experiences with a trusting partner.

 

[fma20fma]

mild to moderate caning on bare butt to initiate me to crave for bare back sodomy.

 

[bobb_sledd]

Excessive public displays of affection between adult “children” and a parent of theirs. Wondering; if that’s what they do in public, what do they do in private.

 

[YourSecretSanta]

Being watched

Same

 

[Goldenfinger]

being on video. A long time ago I would want to take video of my wife during certain sexual acts. Once I hit record she would be quick and not do it for long. Well 20+ years later and a little kinkier she would show me pictures and video clips she had taken. Well she inadvertently spilled the beans in a video of all things. She said your phone makes a sound when you take a picture or record video, mine doesn’t. That’s what gives you away. So now I notice. It’s a turn on when she does but there’s an uncomfortable feeling inside.

 

[leosladie]

Turning over all control of my body.
Being watched.
*tingles*

 

[sweetheart97]

Being pinned. When he bites my neck. A hand on my throat. Struggling.

 

[LadyLascivious1]

Pick me girls

So I had to Google what a pick me girl is. And laughed when I realized how popular the term is and how out of the loop I am. But then all the thoughts…if I admit that to anyone does that make me a pick me girl?! Can pick me girls be self aware? Does considering myself self aware put me squarely back in camp pick me?! Then I started giggling because the whole thing is ridiculous.

So thanks for that overthinking spiral, PLP

And overthinking takes me out of pick me girl status, right?

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

So I had to Google what a pick me girl is. And laughed when I realized how popular the term is and how out of the loop I am. But then all the thoughts…if I admit that to anyone does that make me a pick me girl?! Can pick me girls be self aware? Does considering myself self aware put me squarely back in camp pick me?! Then I started giggling because the whole thing is ridiculous.

So thanks for that overthinking spiral, PLP

And overthinking takes me out of pick me girl status, right?

Haha I'm sorry to have caused this total spiral. And while a Pick Me girl has a bit of a negative connotation, here it's meant as the opposite. I don't think of you as a PMG at all however that doesn't keep me from being uncomfortable attracted to you

 

[Mei5ter]

So I had to Google what a pick me girl is. And laughed when I realized how popular the term is and how out of the loop I am. But then all the thoughts…if I admit that to anyone does that make me a pick me girl?! Can pick me girls be self aware? Does considering myself self aware put me squarely back in camp pick me?! Then I started giggling because the whole thing is ridiculous.

So thanks for that overthinking spiral, PLP

And overthinking takes me out of pick me girl status, right?

I think pick-mes (pic-mes?) can be very self-aware indeed. Making yourself flexibly desirable to the broadest possible Lit audience in order to get the greatest share of attention can be a highly calculated, rational act.

After further (over)thinking, I think the distinction I'd make is an intentional one. Some pick-mes want to be picked by a someone. Others, including some Lit pick-mes, want to be picked by as many people as possible.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

I think pick-mes (pic-mes?) can be very self-aware indeed. Making yourself flexibly desirable to the broadest possible Lit audience in order to get the greatest share of attention can be a highly calculated, rational act.

After further (over)thinking, I think the distinction I'd make is an intentional one. Some pick-mes want to be picked by a someone. Others, including some Lit pick-mes, want to be picked by as many people as possible.

I think that's right. And it goes for men and women.

What I think makes me uncomfortably turned on by it is the sheer effort and eagerness. It's adorable and makes me want to do bad things.

 

[IrisAlthea]

And while a Pick Me girl has a bit of a negative connotation, here it's meant as the opposite

I got that, so I want to say that I’m not picking on anyone here.

I think the term is usually used very negatively, just as the related”cool girl”.
I think it is sad how popular the term is and actually offensive when used as a put down by those who otherwise claim to support women.

I think pick-mes (pic-mes?) can be very self-aware indeed. Making yourself flexibly desirable to the broadest possible Lit audience in order to get the greatest share of attention can be a highly calculated, rational act.

After further (over)thinking, I think the distinction I'd make is an intentional one. Some pick-mes want to be picked by a someone. Others, including some Lit pick-mes, want to be picked by as many people as possible.

I agree that for some the behaviour is self-aware and a calculated, rational choice to achieve a goal.
Others are probably just doing what they learned growing up.
Other times, people use the pickme label for those who do not fit in with their ideas of how a woman or girl should behave.

I don’t think putting people down or mocking them for any of those things, is a very good look.

Sorry to be a downer, but this has been a pet peeve of mine since the ”cool girl” debate after ”Gone girl”.
I was going to let it go since it was not used negativelty, but then the discussion on the popularity came up.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

I got that, so I want to say that I’m not picking on anyone here.

I think the term is usually used very negatively, just as the related”cool girl”.
I think it is sad how popular the term is and actually offensive when used as a put down by those who otherwise claim to support women.



I agree that for some the behaviour is self-aware and a calculated, rational choice to achieve a goal.
Others are probably just doing what they learned growing up.
Other times, people use the pickme label for those who do not fit in with their ideas of how a woman or girl should behave.

I don’t think putting people down or mocking them for any of those things, is a very good look.

Sorry to be a downer, but this has been a pet peeve of mine since the ”cool girl” debate after ”Gone girl”.
I was going to let it go since it was not used negativelty, but then the discussion on the popularity came up.

And you are very rightfully entitled to that opinion. I had a similar reaction to the 'cool girl" debate and I think it was I could see roots of that growing in me. Being the everything for everyone else and not for myself. I used that feeling inwardly and worked on being authentic.

I think there is a real assumption that anyone means anything negatively or that we even all have the same meaning. I think the idea I was going for and that @Mei5ter crystalized is someone who chases attention. It can be a broad chasing or a narrow one and I don't think there anything wrong with it. I'd wager that 80% of Lit could be classified in some category of that. I think there are certain cultures where the pursuit of attention is seen very negatively and that's not the distinction I was making.

Good food for thought though, Iris. Thanks for sharing.

 

[IrisAlthea]

I think there are certain cultures where the pursuit of attention is seen very negatively

Yes, I think that is a big part of what grates for me. Because it is somehow a double or even tripple bind of punishing women for conforming and at the same time for not conforming either by not fitting the expected behaviour or by seeking attention and going after what they want.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

Yes, I think that is a big part of what grates for me. Because it is somehow a double or even tripple bind of punishing women for conforming and at the same time for not conforming either by not fitting the expected behaviour or by seeking attention and going after what they want.

Absolutely, I guess it's just the lens by which you try to view it. *shrug* I was picking the "it's kinda sexy" lens.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Absolutely, I guess it's just the lens by which you try to view it. *shrug* I was picking the "it's kinda sexy" lens.

Heh yes, whenn I wrote in the last post about going after what you want, I actually thought that I might get how it can be hot.

 

[Mei5ter]

Yes, I think that is a big part of what grates for me. Because it is somehow a double or even tripple bind of punishing women for conforming and at the same time for not conforming either by not fitting the expected behaviour or by seeking attention and going after what they want.

Hello Iris,

It's difficult when using a slang term with a meaning which isn't well defined, and I have been sloppy. And not in a good way.

Off Lit. I understand a pick-me girl to denote someone who tries to attract male attention by conforming to dated, sexist male stereotypes of female behaviour. They thereby undermine other women by reinforcing the patriarchy, and make it harder for other women to succeed without similarly conforming to patriarchal expectations. For that reason, people tend to use the term perjoratively. It is harder to persuade men that patriarchal behaviour is wrong when pick-me girls are happy to play along with it.

Whether that is fair is a question I wouldn't presume to try and answer, and I am not competent to try. But that is my understanding of how the term is commonly used, for what it's worth.

And Lit, as in so many other things, is a special case.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Off Lit. I understand a pick-me girl to denote someone who tries to attract male attention by conforming to dated, sexist male stereotypes of female behaviour. They thereby undermine other women by reinforcing the patriarchy, and make it harder for other women to succeed without similarly conforming to patriarchal expectations. For that reason, people tend to use the term perjoratively. It is harder to persuade men that patriarchal behaviour is wrong when pick-me girls are happy to play along with it.

Yes, I think that is a common reason for using it, when there is reasoning behind it.
It is just that putting collective goals ahead of your individual goals and not sticking out or trying to get ahead of others is just as much a part of the stereotype, in my opinion.

We tend to forget that the sterotype and the sexism is not just male, but just as often internalized and turned against ourselves and others.

Personally, I think that if ”patriarchy” is going to be useful, we need to see it as something we are all a part of and/or something that is a part of all of us.

It's difficult when using a slang term with a meaning which isn't well defined, and I have been sloppy. And not in a good way.

As I said, I didn’t want to criticize the usage in this thread and as you might have guessed from what I wrote before, I think we all are sloppy in a not good way with these things at times.
Doing what PLP described:

I used that feeling inwardly

as in examining feelings, reactions and thought patterns and discussing them with others can help a lot in my experience too.

And Lit, as in so many other things, is a special case.

I don’t know, is it really?

 

[Mei5ter]

Yes, I think that is a common reason for using it, when there is reasoning behind it.
It is just that putting collective goals ahead of your individual goals and not sticking out or trying to get ahead of others is just as much a part of the stereotype, in my opinion.

We tend to forget that the sterotype and the sexism is not just male, but just as often internalized and turned against ourselves and others.

Personally, I think that if ”patriarchy” is going to be useful, we need to see it as something we are all a part of and/or something that is a part of all of us.

I couldn't agree more - especially with the difference between the pursuit of the good of an individual as opposed to the good of the collective. Especially when the collective is not necessarily one we get a choice in belonging to.

But from what I remember of philosophy classes, even a maxim like "Maximise Welfare!" proves not to be good to follow in all cases. I'm sure.

And yes to the patriarchy being immanent.

 

[spankableBelle]

Part of my issue is I haven't had sex in a long, long time. Not just sex. I haven't held hands, felt a hand on my ass, been looked at lewdly. This has been due to a long-term caregiving situation with my late husband - I guess I wanted to be clear about that for some reason. We had a D/s, actively kinky relationship. And then we didn't. (See? Stag is spot on.)

I'm slowly coming out of my no-sex, no-intimacy shell. I didn't want it for a while. Now that my lady parts (and my brain) seem to be coming around, suddenly, the thought of being with someone - NAKED - and hopefully trussed up in some insane fashion - has my brain zipping around in crazy, anxiety producing places.

I imagine when it actually does happen, I truly won't be too worried about whether or not my ass looks fat or my tummy jiggles in odd ways. Fingers crossed, right?

Purple Rain! I say we collectively watch it and see what happens. Report back. For scientific purposes.

There are parts of this I feel so deeply.

I haven't had sex, held hands, been touched, kissed in more years than I care to think about, but needless to say it's been double digit years. A broken kink heart, broken trust, physical issues, health issues, weight issues, deep depression, a cold marriage.

I didn't want anything to do with intimacy or sex. But this year, it's started coming back, in a really big way. But there's this feeling of having lost something, some part of myself... I call it fuckability. I don't feel fuckable. I don't feel desirable and it's more than just physical, it's emotional, mental. Lit has helped some. I can get in better physical health, I can change the shape and size of my body, but fixing the emotional and mental side of things... That's harder.
And until the first couple of times, I think I'll worry about the physical, too. I see some of the women who post pictures here on Lit and the comparisonitis takes over... And I begin to hide all of me again. I'm not thin, I'm not young, my tits hang low, etc...
Of course, get me a blindfold, some rope, a gag, and take off your belt... I may not care that even I don't measure up in my own head.

I think I lost where I was going with this, but getting this out, in some form of anonymity, helps me to see it all in black and white. It's both scary and maybe a little freeing.

 

[Jess0224]

This is going to sound so weird and I’m almost embarrassed to admit it but one time I was with this rough redneck guy and he hadn’t showered and smelled kinda bad and god help me for some reason that really got me going right then haha