Feedback request: Story for long hair fans

[BobbyandtheCabin]

This is my first story!
https://literotica.com/s/ariana-and-the-cabin

I'm a big fan of long hair, and wanted to write something a bit more visual that didnt involve degraded language etc.

Please comment and let me know what uou think.

I've used Ariana Grande as the female lead, but technically you could read and it be someone else called Ariana

 

[ElectricBlue]

I suggest you scrub up on dialogue punctuation rules. You've got some odd constructions and inconsistencies in your punctuation that go beyond "one or two and forgiveness", into "too many and annoying".

Towards the end, you start tense shifting here and there, moving from present to past tense and back again, indiscriminately and, I suspect, unknowingly. I've been guilty of this myself, until it was pointed out as something that gets In the way of the flow for many readers, and is so easy to get consistent during edit.

I suggest also that you pay more attention to paragraph length - you have many long ones which sets up an undesirable "wall of text" on smaller reading devices, such as phones.

Finally: "cucumber"... just, no.

Other than that, it's a functional little fantasy with a cute girl, although Bobby can't make up his mind whether he's all macho or a bit of a shy beginner. But since it was all a [spoilers] it doesn't really matter. Keep writing, pay more attention to the essential technical stuff, and next time, save the cucumber for the salad!

 

[Rob_Royale]

I'll echo what EB said, and add that the scene felt rushed. You went from front door, to wine, to hair, to whoa big dick! in what seems like just minutes in the scene, no build-up of passions and attractions. Now the fact that it was all a dream explains it, but while reading through it feels very sudden.

 

[BobbyandtheCabin]

I suggest you scrub up on dialogue punctuation rules. You've got some odd constructions and inconsistencies in your punctuation that go beyond "one or two and forgiveness", into "too many and annoying".

Towards the end, you start tense shifting here and there, moving from present to past tense and back again, indiscriminately and, I suspect, unknowingly. I've been guilty of this myself, until it was pointed out as something that gets In the way of the flow for many readers, and is so easy to get consistent during edit.

I suggest also that you pay more attention to paragraph length - you have many long ones which sets up an undesirable "wall of text" on smaller reading devices, such as phones.

Finally: "cucumber"... just, no.

Other than that, it's a functional little fantasy with a cute girl, although Bobby can't make up his mind whether he's all macho or a bit of a shy beginner. But since it was all a [spoilers] it doesn't really matter. Keep writing, pay more attention to the essential technical stuff, and next time, save the cucumber for the salad!

Thank you!
I have only just seen this, sorry. Havent got used to the notifications.

I've written a second now but hadn't seen your notes beforehand. It's distinctly lacking a cucumber though! . Still learning what's in and what isnt!
Thanks again

 

[BobbyandtheCabin]

I'll echo what EB said, and add that the scene felt rushed. You went from front door, to wine, to hair, to whoa big dick! in what seems like just minutes in the scene, no build-up of passions and attractions. Now the fact that it was all a dream explains it, but while reading through it feels very sudden.

Thank you for the feedback.
Completely understand. I was torn between building a story and wanting to get to 'the action' quickly. I've written and published (on here) a second (I'll link below) which I feel has a bit more of a build up. Probably still a little quick, but I really enjoyed creating a little more of a relationship.

My thoughts are for this to be a series where people find themselves at this cabin with the mysterious stranger when they're most in need of 'an encounter'. First Ariana, the next Jane (I have plans for another two with her, maybe 20 years on each time). I don't know. When it's over, they wake up. Just a bit of fun! Thanks again.

https://literotica.com/s/jane-and-the-cabin-79

 

[ElectricBlue]

Since the young Jane Seymour is a worthy crush, I'll cut you the slack in the grammatical lapses - fewer this time, but still there in your dialogue. There's a lack of caps in places, where the dialogue starts - you need a tighter control with your edit.