Cockteasing vs Being a flirty exhibitionist

[ShaneoD]

I was chatting to someone earlier and I'll put my hands up as a guy who's used the term when describing a woman whose comfortable with herself, usually in public, and likes the attention.

Is it a male/female difference or do we need a new name for ladies who enjoy themselves this way? To the girls who've caused..... let's say more than one intimate moment (solo, or otherwise), what's the correct term?

 

[CuttingEdge]

It is kind of hard to say, because you are making an assumption on a judgement call type of thing.

Just because a lady may dressed quite provacatively in public, may not mean she is dressing in any particular way for others. My girlfriend, will wear some very revealing clothes out in public, but it is because I like how she looks in such things as stockings, high heels, and short skirts. If other men like how she is dressed, that is just inmaterial. She is not going to be upset because a man looks at her in revealing clothing, but that is NOT her motivation. I suppose it could be said that she is a cockteaser because she is teasing me, her boyfriend, but then all things considered, is that really cockteasing, or eventaually-going-to-get-sexing?

For other ladies, they might dress revealing for both other men and their husbands/boyfriends

For other ladies, they are true exhibitonists

As for causing solo intimate moments... again, who knows. A person that likes a woman barefoot might be insanely turned on at a beach, or a person that likes high heels might like a businesswoman outside a office complex on a nice day at noon. The point is, people are attracted to a huge range of things, and the most innocent of attire can bring about solo acts of intamacy later on by a litany of people that happen to find them stimulating. I am sure many men have masturbated to how my girlriend looked dressed as she was at times, and good for them, but that was not my girlfriend's motivation. She is not an exhibitionist or cockteaser, she is a girlfriend who loves her boyfriend and likes to please me.

But that is the problem with labels in general; is it not?

 

[BrightShinyGirl]

It is kind of hard to say, because you are making an assumption on a judgement call type of thing.

Just because a lady may dressed quite provacatively in public, may not mean she is dressing in any particular way for others. My girlfriend, will wear some very revealing clothes out in public, but it is because I like how she looks in such things as stockings, high heels, and short skirts. If other men like how she is dressed, that is just inmaterial. She is not going to be upset because a man looks at her in revealing clothing, but that is NOT her motivation. I suppose it could be said that she is a cockteaser because she is teasing me, her boyfriend, but then all things considered, is that really cockteasing, or eventaually-going-to-get-sexing?

For other ladies, they might dress revealing for both other men and their husbands/boyfriends

For other ladies, they are true exhibitonists

As for causing solo intimate moments... again, who knows. A person that likes a woman barefoot might be insanely turned on at a beach, or a person that likes high heels might like a businesswoman outside a office complex on a nice day at noon. The point is, people are attracted to a huge range of things, and the most innocent of attire can bring about solo acts of intamacy later on by a litany of people that happen to find them stimulating. I am sure many men have masturbated to how my girlriend looked dressed as she was at times, and good for them, but that was not my girlfriend's motivation. She is not an exhibitionist or cockteaser, she is a girlfriend who loves her boyfriend and likes to please me.

But that is the problem with labels in general; is it not?

Yes. I dress to please myself, not to please men. If a man likes how I look I expect him to be respectful and discreet. Not leer or make crude comments.

If I’m wearing something sexy it’s probably because I was feeling particularly good about my body when I was getting dressed. (As middle-aged mom that’s not always the case.)

If you’re a guy remember: It’s not always about you!

 

[twister947]

I think of a cock teaser as a woman who will make out, pet, etc, get right up to the big show, and then stop things. They don't get a second chance with me.

 

[lil_jenni]

I doubt anyone ever even thought of me as a cock tease, but I've been called a slut/whore/nympho on many occasions (behind my back and to my face), and most of them not intended as complimentary. I always tried to wear them like a badge of honor, but that was partially a defense mechanism.

The problem is, all these terms harken back to what men think of women. If you don't fuck or go down but you make out and do other stuff that feels good to you but isn't too far for you, then the guys call you a cock tease. If you fuck or suck or both, then you're a slut or a whore. There are times I wish that maybe I had been worthy of the cock tease label and not been seen as a slut. It might have helped my sense of self-worth when I was younger.

 

[Hipshot1554]

I doubt anyone ever even thought of me as a cock tease, but I've been called a slut/whore/nympho on many occasions (behind my back and to my face), and most of them not intended as complimentary. I always tried to wear them like a badge of honor, but that was partially a defense mechanism.

The problem is, all these terms harken back to what men think of women. If you don't fuck or go down but you make out and do other stuff that feels good to you but isn't too far for you, then the guys call you a cock tease. If you fuck or suck or both, then you're a slut or a whore. There are times I wish that maybe I had been worthy of the cock tease label and not been seen as a slut. It might have helped my sense of self-worth when I was younger.

The only thing that matters is how you feel about yourself. If you don't regret your past, that's all that counts.

 

[Lady2020]

I would think cock teasing and flirty exhibitionist are two different things.

 

[policywank]

In my view a cock tease is a woman who knowingly leads a man to believe she is going to have sex with him, but has no intention of doing so. I might also include a woman who communicates a clear intention to have sex with a guy but is still quite unsure of whether she will follow through. Likewise a woman who doesn't intend to fuck a guy yet engages in behaviour that she knows full well he is likely to misinterpret in good faith may be a cock tease. But in all cases the overwhelming criteria is rooted in an objective view of how and what she is communicating, what she intends to communicate and a balanced view of how she thinks her communication will be interpreted by rationale non-entitled men.

It can still be a fine line of judgment. Dressing provocatively or letting a man get to 2nd or 3rd base are not actions that unto themselves unequivocally communicate an intention to have sex with a man. It doesn't matter how many men agree that these are universal signals, that doesn't make it so because a male consensus or societal consensus does not trump any individual woman's right to make her own decisions. But there is a point at which a woman knows damn well that she is misleading a man and she may be a cock tease. Even that is a fine line. If a guy is an entitled, misogynist hammerhead that doesn't oblige a woman to go out of her way to make sure he doesn't get his signals mixed. But there is a point at which we know a reasonable, non-entitled man would get the wrong idea.

Personally, I believe that any woman has wide latitude to be a flirty exhibitionist without going anywhere near being a cock tease. She only crosses that line when she knowingly and intentionally communicates her intention to have sex with a specific man or men in a way that she knows damn well a reasonable, non-entitled man will infer to be true.

 

[UtilityCurve]

Honestly? What if you were going to an event where there would be no men and no chance of men being present?

(I really want to know. I've bought nylons, etc., and I want to know if they made her feel good irrespective of what they did to my tumescence. I  never bought a female/girl/woman something sexy to wear without, in the back of my mind--okay, maybe it wasn't my FIRST consideration--I thought she was flattered that the garment were 100% for a woman's body. Boobs matter, not only to guys! )

Yes. I dress to please myself, not to please men. If a man likes how I look I expect him to be respectful and discreet. Not leer or make crude comments.

If I’m wearing something sexy it’s probably because I was feeling particularly good about my body when I was getting dressed. (As middle-aged mom that’s not always the case.)

If you’re a guy remember: It’s not always about you!

 

[BrightShinyGirl]

Honestly? What if you were going to an event where there would be no men and no chance of men being present?

(I really want to know. I've bought nylons, etc., and I want to know if they made her feel good irrespective of what they did to my tumescence. I  never bought a female/girl/woman something sexy to wear without, in the back of my mind--okay, maybe it wasn't my FIRST consideration--I thought she was flattered that the garment were 100% for a woman's body. Boobs matter, not only to guys! )

Why did you quote what I wrote and then cross it out?

 

[Justfantasies]

In my view a cock tease is a woman who knowingly leads a man to believe she is going to have sex with him, but has no intention of doing so. I might also include a woman who communicates a clear intention to have sex with a guy but is still quite unsure of whether she will follow through. Likewise a woman who doesn't intend to fuck a guy yet engages in behaviour that she knows full well he is likely to misinterpret in good faith may be a cock tease. But in all cases the overwhelming criteria is rooted in an objective view of how and what she is communicating, what she intends to communicate and a balanced view of how she thinks her communication will be interpreted by rationale non-entitled men.

It can still be a fine line of judgment. Dressing provocatively or letting a man get to 2nd or 3rd base are not actions that unto themselves unequivocally communicate an intention to have sex with a man. It doesn't matter how many men agree that these are universal signals, that doesn't make it so because a male consensus or societal consensus does not trump any individual woman's right to make her own decisions. But there is a point at which a woman knows damn well that she is misleading a man and she may be a cock tease. Even that is a fine line. If a guy is an entitled, misogynist hammerhead that doesn't oblige a woman to go out of her way to make sure he doesn't get his signals mixed. But there is a point at which we know a reasonable, non-entitled man would get the wrong idea.

Personally, I believe that any woman has wide latitude to be a flirty exhibitionist without going anywhere near being a cock tease. She only crosses that line when she knowingly and intentionally communicates her intention to have sex with a specific man or men in a way that she knows damn well a reasonable, non-entitled man will infer to be true.

What do you think motivates a real cock teaser -- just cruelty or is there some sexual gratification for her too

 

[Justfantasies]

What do you think motivates a real cock teaser -- just cruelty or is there some sexual gratification for her too

Bump -- would love an answer to what motivates a cock teaser

 

[policywank]

What do you think motivates a real cock teaser -- just cruelty or is there some sexual gratification for her too

I think it is highly unusual for it to be a matter of cruelty unless there is specific grievance a woman has with a man. And I don't know if I would go so far as to say it is a matter of sexual gratification for the woman. But it may be a matter of narcissism. A woman wants the emotional and mental gratification of being desired which only comes from a man's overt display of sexual interest. So she seeks that out even though she has no intention of following through without caring one way or another what the impact is on the man/men. The impact she has is the result of carelessness and selfishness as opposed to malice. In a way it is not unlike a man who fucks a woman then brags to his buddies about it afterwards. He doesn't do it out of malice towards her so much as he just goes after what he wants and doesn't care about the impact on her one way or the other.

I think that there are some women who also have a relatively immature view of sex and sexuality. They subscribe to simplistic notions that men should do all the chasing and prove themselves while the woman gets to be as imperious and arbitrary as she likes. But I think this is sort of another variation on narcissism - few women are so stupid that they wholly embrace this line of thinking, but some will do so because it suits them.

However, as noted I see these as rare exceptions. Most times a woman is referred to as a cock-tease it is because a man is seeking to disparage a woman who won't abide by his version of how she should behave.

 

[lil_jenni]

However, as noted I see these as rare exceptions. Most times a woman is referred to as a cock-tease it is because a man is seeking to disparage a woman who won't abide by his version of how she would behave.

Yeppers.

 

[Justfantasies]

I think it is highly unusual for it to be a matter of cruelty unless there is specific grievance a woman has with a man. And I don't know if I would go so far as to say it is a matter of sexual gratification for the woman. But it may be a matter of narcissism. A woman wants the emotional and mental gratification of being desired which only comes from a man's overt display of sexual interest. So she seeks that out even though she has no intention of following through without caring one way or another what the impact is on the man/men. The impact she has is the result of carelessness and selfishness as opposed to malice. In a way it is not unlike a man who fucks a woman then brags to his buddies about it afterwards. He doesn't do it out of malice towards her so much as he just goes after what he wants and doesn't care about the impact on her one way or the other.

I think that there are some women who also have a relatively immature view of sex and sexuality. They subscribe to simplistic notions that men should do all the chasing and prove themselves while the woman gets to be as imperious and arbitrary as she likes. But I think this is sort of another variation on narcissism - few women are so stupid that they wholly embrace this line of thinking, but some will do so because it suits them.

However, as noted I see these as rare exceptions. Most times a woman is referred to as a cock-tease it is because a man is seeking to disparage a woman who won't abide by his version of how she would behave.

That sounds a very believable explanation

 

[Justfantasies]

That sounds a very believable explanation. I had a bad experience a long time ago -- we were both inexperienced

 

[TallGlassOfSarcasm]

The correct answer depends on so many factors and can be all over the map.

In most cases I think the phrase cock tease is used when a man is sexually aroused by or attracted to a woman based on how she looks or acts but she doesn't reciprocate. The guy feels like his urges deserve attention, so he labels her a cock tease.

But maybe she's just pretty. Or she wore that outfit because it made her feel pretty. Or she wore it to arrouse someone else. It doesn't matter. She isn't into you, let it go. She isn't wrong for being attractive and she doesn't owe you shit.

This applies to a flirty personality as well. Just because you think she was flirting with you doesn't mean she was. She may have just been being friendly and you misread it. We have ALL misread friendly for flirty at one point or another. It's innocent. It happens. But just because you took it as flirty doesn't mean she has to honor your perceptions. Suck it up. Be an adult. Go meet someone else.

I have also met women who dressed provocatively because they liked the attention. They liked eyes on them. They liked men learing at them. But she just wanted attention, not sex. I can see where a guy things he is getting the green light only to be shot down. It happens. Don't be a douche about it. Walk away. She wanted to be looked at, you enjoyed looking at her. You aren't entitled to more. Maybe this is a flirty exhibitionist who gets off on being seen.... maybe she was just having a bad week and needed to feel attractive. Maybe she's just hot and can't stop it. In all circumstances.... she doesn't owe you anything.

Or maybe she was dressed up looking to get laid and was putting off the "Take me home vibe" but she was aiming it at someone else. Oh well. You were collateral arousal. Suck it up. She isn't a bad person for picking a different guy.

Hell even if she shows up to the party dressed to impress....you make a pass and she is into you and you both are having a great time dancing and grinding and you are raring to go and she agrees to go home with you but then when you get to your place she changes her mind. Sucks to be you. Drive her home. I know this feeling. It sucks. You think you are about to have great sex and the moment fizzles. It's disappointing. We all understand that. You still aren't owed sex. So if she changed her mind and you go to sleep unfulfilled.... deal with it. She probably wasn't trying to blue ball you and leave you hanging. She likely isn't being mean. Her mood changed. She is a woman...they do that. Learn to accept it and you'll be happier in life. Be respectful and understanding and maybe she'll give you a second chance another day. Or maybe you talk about a shared interest on the way home and find you actually like each other as more that a hook up. Or most likely you never see her again and oh fucking well.

I guess it happens where women purposely get men sexually aroused by making the guys think they will have sex without any intention of actually doing it. Then maybe someone is being an intentional cock tease. That is kind of being a dick to explore your control fantasy with a partner who isn't aware of your fantasy nor has consented to be a part of it. But even then the guy isn't owed anything and should just suck it up and walk away.

The running theme here is that we, as men, aren't owed sex. If you want sex, earn it. Make her really want you. If you fail and she doesn't want you, suck it the fuck up and don't blame her because you weren't attractive enough for her. We have ALL been shot down and made ourselves feel better by saying "Oh well that is her loss". Fine. Tell yourself that if it makes you feel better. But don't make her out to be the bad guy because she didn't want to let you sleep with her.

 

[Justfantasies]

I was chatting to someone earlier and I'll put my hands up as a guy who's used the term when describing a woman whose comfortable with herself, usually in public, and likes the attention.

Is it a male/female difference or do we need a new name for ladies who enjoy themselves this way? To the girls who've caused..... let's say more than one intimate moment (solo, or otherwise), what's the correct term?

I suspect that some men just like cock teasers -- it takes all types

 

[ShaneoD]

I suspect that some men just like cock teasers -- it takes all types

One thing I have noticed is that there seems to be a huge difference in what the perception of a cocktease is, the term seems to be more offensive than I thought, I've always thought it possible be quite flirty and enjoying male attention without sex being a perceived end game, but it seems to be used as a way of describing a woman who promises/intimates sex might be available only to withdraw it, I might have to change how I use the word.

 

[Justfantasies]

One thing I have noticed is that there seems to be a huge difference in what the perception of a cocktease is, the term seems to be more offensive than I thought, I've always thought it possible be quite flirty and enjoying male attention without sex being a perceived end game, but it seems to be used as a way of describing a woman who promises/intimates sex might be available only to withdraw it, I might have to change how I use the word.

Your definition a woman who promises/intimates sex might be available only to withdraw it is how most people look at it

 

[Lucy_Lastic]

Cock tease is a misogynistic term used by men who expect women to behave a certain way and for men to get what they want.

If i flirt with you it doesn't necessarily mean I want to fuck you.

If I dance naked on a tabletop it doesn't necessarily mean I want to fuck you.

Calling someone a cock tease is crying foul because someone chooses not to do something they don't want to do. Grow up, guys.

 

[ShaneoD]

Your definition a woman who promises/intimates sex might be available only to withdraw it is how most people look at it

I do have a tendency to forget sometimes that in Ireland we're not quite as committed to language as some other places are.

 

[TallGlassOfSarcasm]

One thing I have noticed is that there seems to be a huge difference in what the perception of a cocktease is, the term seems to be more offensive than I thought, I've always thought it possible be quite flirty and enjoying male attention without sex being a perceived end game, but it seems to be used as a way of describing a woman who promises/intimates sex might be available only to withdraw it, I might have to change how I use the word.

Symantics get in the way sometimes.

There is a mean spirited meaning to the term and a fun sexy meaning to the term I guess.

Everyone is talking about the mean spirited version of the term where we don't like that a woman won't have sex with us so we label her a deragatory "cock tease" as if we are owed sex from her. (See my post above. Spoiler alert... we aren't owed shit.)

But the fun sexy cock tease is an entirely different scenario. In college I dated a woman who loved to tease me. ANYTIME we went out she would torment me by casually sliding her butt against the front of my pants, slyly tickle my cock through my pants with her fingers and she turned around...real subtle so no one else could see...and would whisper things to me like "I want that inside me" with a deadpan look on her face so no one else would have any idea.

But she was doing it because she knew it was working me up into a frenzy and that when we went home I would uncontrollably attack her body the way she wanted.

it was all a game. But it was a consensual game. We both knew we were playing it. We both enjoyed it. And it was all in fun. She was LITERALLY teasing my cock so that is the non derogatory use of the term "cock tease". Still... I don't think we ever used that phrase.

But even then once in a while we'd get home and she had just lost the mood. One time she drank too much and just said she wasn't feeling it and wanted to sleep. Another time she got a bad migraine and just needed to lay down. Normal stuff that changes evening plans. And on those nights, even despite the pre establish agreement that she would torment and and get me into a sexual frenzy all night and then I would get to take her aggressively.... I got nothing out of it. I just took her home, helped her get tucked into bed, and sucked it up. Then went back in the morning to make sure she was okay because that is what human beings do for people they care about.

So in closing, ladies and gentlement of the jury, we have established that "cock tease" is generally a derogatory term. But "cock teasing" can be a fun flirty consensual game. Just call it something else so there is no confusion. We have also established that men are not entitled to sex, and the woman is not a bad guy for not fucking us. The defense rests.

 

[policywank]

One thing I have noticed is that there seems to be a huge difference in what the perception of a cocktease is, the term seems to be more offensive than I thought, I've always thought it possible be quite flirty and enjoying male attention without sex being a perceived end game, but it seems to be used as a way of describing a woman who promises/intimates sex might be available only to withdraw it, I might have to change how I use the word.

I suppose everyone has their own take on any given word, but for the most part I see the term "cock-tease" as a pejorative in a couple of ways. It suggests a woman who promises to do something that she has no intention of doing - implicitly a dishonest person or a cheat. But that implicit promise is even more problematic because it suggests that men are entitled to gauge and judge a woman's intentions according to a set of criteria made up by men without regard to the woman's actual feelings or intentions.

So in essence men make up rules for how certain female behaviour entitles men to sex then disparage us as dishonest cheats if we don't give them sex. This in turn feeds on certain perverse notions of how a man earns a woman's favour, which themselves diminish a woman's status. As an equal person there are absolutely no outside or objective criteria to which I must submit as the gauge of whether a man has earned my favour. I and I alone determine if a man has earned my favour and I can withdraw that favour at any time at my sole and absolute discretion. A man would accept no less than that and nor do I.

 

[TallGlassOfSarcasm]

I do have a tendency to forget sometimes that in Ireland we're not quite as committed to language as some other places are.

With Lit being an international community this is important to remember. Words mean different things in different places.

For example, "Sucking on a fag" means a very different thing in London than it does in New York.