Traits of a Submissive ...

[Jerseyshore]

I am curious because I've been exploring bdsm and the Power Exchange of D/s, and everything I have come to learn is that submission has various facets. A submissive person is someone who willingly submits to the authority of another. A submissive person enjoys being in a service-oriented mindset and finds peace of mind in taking orders from those he or she has placed in positions of power. This can be at home, in the workplace, among friends or in community relationships.

Healthy submissive relationships are conscious and consensual. In other words, one party has agreed to hold more power of one kind or another. The other party has agreed to submit. It is agreed upon by the individuals. During my exploration at LIT, it's been shared with me that submissive individuals don't have "rights" or "choice in a relationship." The idea has been implied that basically, 'the submissive is a doormat who has to tolerate poor behavior' and should automatically trust someone and just do what they expect or say.". This contradicts things I have studied and learned from friends I know in the lifestyle.

I would love to hear from people with actual experience what truly should be the expectation from a submissive and Dominant in this type of relationship. Thank you to anyone who can provide more clarity and insight!

.

I must confess I rather like this post and several others on the thread. As the "wife" in our gay marriage, I am a willing and enthusiastic submissive person. During our 12-year relationship I have enjoyed the freedom to deeply explore being gender fluid. My husband and I realized and happily accepted my surrender to pleasing him in any way, as in him I found the strong, tender man I had desired for many years. I had been a bottom for many years, but now I could truly be myself and enjoy my natural sexuality in every way. I also recognized him as an "old soul" who had been my lover in a past life, and I praise the God and The Goddess for bringing us together again. Merry Meet, all. Never be afraid to be yourselves.

 

[SirJohnmaster]

There is so much false information out there about Doms. Too many people claim they are one and don't have a fucking clue about the lifestyle. They have never lived it and have no concept that submission is a gift. It is given not taken. Any one that thinks differently doesn't have a clue about it. The Dom dominates yes, but the Dom cares for even more. Many of the subs have deep intense feelings and aftercare is so critical. If it isn't given and given properly they experience deep lows after coming out of subspace. They need constant encouragement and support by the Dom.

They have limits and it is the Doms job to respect them. He can push them to them but when they say no you accept it.

 

[touche]

. This, all of this! So very well put SirJohnmaster!

 

[Lady2020]

Dom/sub = power exchange. Ie, Dom does not hold all the power, although he might like to and thinks he does.

 

[Subsy]

For myself the desire is sparked by a word or gesture. I feel a flutter, my breath catches, pulse increases. If you point at the spot just forward of your feet I will get on my knees. Having confirmed my willingness I wait for instruction.
My ardor can be summoned by one person of any gender but my preference is mfm With both of them dominant. I think of myself as their toy. Humiliation? I think of acting out as more fuel for the passions…
”Kiss his or her ass“or any other command is magical.

 

[Scareltt]

Dom/sub = power exchange. Ie, Dom does not hold all the power, although he might like to and thinks he does.

Yep.. the Submissive actually holds all the power. They can chose to walk away, or change the relationship dynamic.

If my husband said he wanted to return to the “vanilla” life I’d accept it.. it would be hard and I’d miss some aspects of it.

 

[Primalex]

Yep.. the Submissive actually holds all the power. They can chose to walk away, or change the relationship dynamic.

If my husband said he wanted to return to the “vanilla” life I’d accept it.. it would be hard and I’d miss some aspects of it.

And the dominant can't choose to walk away or change the relationship dynamic?

 

[jerryb1966]

Run away and run away fast from the fraud who tells you that this is what a submissive is.

BDSM is a continuum and while there is no one right way to BDSM, there are definitely consistencies. BDSM must be SSC and RACK - Safe, Sane, and Consensual and Risk Aware Consensual Kink. Consent is so important, it is in both acronyms. There are definitely submissives who consent to a relationship as you’ve described, but the key is that they agree and consent to this; it is not prescribed to them as the only way. Others are service subs in the bedroom only (points at myself). Others are masochists who are more than down for some serious pain (ack! Hard limit for me, but I have a couple friends who live for this). For most, there is an agreed upon temporary power exchange, but some live this 24/7.

Submissives are not doormats. We are allowed limits and should have safe words that stop the play when we need it to. Trust and safety are extremely important.

Here’s a link to an essay on labels you might also like to read: Stella’s Essay

Love this post….and the key word is CONSENT. Without it I will NEVER proceed.

 

[jerryb1966]

There are an unfortunate number of self proclaimed ‘Doms’ that are actually just selfish assholes who want to stick their dick in a woman without having to concern themselves with her needs or treat her as an actual person with agency. They think having a ‘sub’ is the solution.

They aren’t actually Doms, though. I refer to them as Dommy McDomPants, LOL.

Ill let the actual Doms explain their own perspective. One thing I do know is that subs aren’t doormats, and we don’t ever just submit to someone because they demanded it.

If you are her Dom and not concerned with her needs and her pleasure then why bother?

 

[OpenMouth]

Sounds to me like both parties in the relationship have to evolve together.

 

[petes478]

Submissive wives I have meet had lots of responsibilities at work and home.
Being Sub was Stress relief for them, not having to make any decisions while serving a Dom.

Very true.

 

[wallstreetguy]

If your sub does not wake up every morning wondering when you will say hello, you are not doing it right.

 

[eroticspank]

I would love to hear from people with actual experience what truly should be the expectation from a submissive and Dominant in this type of relationship. Thank you to anyone who can provide more clarity and insight!

I agree with a lot of people on here that it is up to you two to decide what you want in your D/s relationship. There are no wrong or right answers. If you like the expectations you have set up and they work for you then enjoy. Sure you may talk to someone on here or some site that tells you that you are truly not a sub or Dominant unless.....or that you are doing it all wrong unless you do.....Don't worry about those people and do what works for you!

I would say the most important part is communication. Talk to your partner at a deep level and find out what you both expect or are interested in. Visit this site and others like it to get nuggets of information on techniques and things you may want to try out.

Take a look at several submissive acts your partner likes and find out why. Is there a general theme to all of them? That theme may help you find other activities you both like. Example: Made to wear panties, spanking, and cuckold. Maybe the theme is humiliation? Is that something your partner likes? Something you like to do? etc.
ES

 

[Goldenfinger]

A lot of people in general seem to think they need to choose one of the labels when it’s actually about certain things they want - or as a way to fit in or just getting some.

Exactly. You can come up with a list but it might only fit a quarter of the people. IRL some people keep their private life private. Then others you can tell in the first few minutes.

 

[SirSensual541]

There are an unfortunate number of self proclaimed ‘Doms’ that are actually just selfish assholes who want to stick their dick in a woman without having to concern themselves with her needs or treat her as an actual person with agency. They think having a ‘sub’ is the solution.

They aren’t actually Doms, though. I refer to them as Dommy McDomPants, LOL.

Ill let the actual Doms explain their own perspective. One thing I do know is that subs aren’t doormats, and we don’t ever just submit to someone because they demanded it.

I completely agree! I call them “egodoms” and think it’s very unfortunate that these assholes give a bad connotation to the rest of us that are more into an authentic and caring side of D/s as a Dom. Unfortunately they seem to be the norm rather than the exception in the online venues.

 

[Somethingdifferent74]

Honestly. To label a relationship inside the BDSM/D/s spectrum is difficult. Is a sub expected to be a "doormat"? No they shouldn't be. Do they want to be? Yes sometimes they do. Personally a sub/slave of any gender/nature should have expectations for themselves as well as expectations of their perspective "Dom". As well as a "Dom" should have expectations for themselves as well as their potential "sub/slaves". If the expectations align with each other and are of SSC (Safe Sane Consenting) adults then who are we to judge. Some "subs/slaves" desire to be "doormats" used with few to no limits or no rights. If that's their choice and they consent then more power to you (not my choice or of my interest) just facts.

Personally everyone entering the D/s, BDSM should have some limits or rights and be made aware that there are some limits that shouldn't be crossed. But then again who am I to judge.

I have met women that wanted to be turned into a quadriplegic or dismembered. To serve a Dom (not my thing). Everyone has a choice and should be made aware of their choices and either accept them or not. I could go on and on about choices and such but then it might go against someone else's choices.

 

[Somethingdifferent74]

Honestly. To label a relationship inside the BDSM/D/s spectrum is difficult. Is a sub expected to be a "doormat"? No they shouldn't be. Do they want to be? Yes sometimes they do. Personally a sub/slave of any gender/nature should have expectations for themselves as well as expectations of their perspective "Dom". As well as a "Dom" should have expectations for themselves as well as their potential "sub/slaves". If the expectations align with each other and are of SSC (Safe Sane Consenting) adults then who are we to judge. Some "subs/slaves" desire to be "doormats" used with few to no limits or no rights. If that's their choice and they consent then more power to you (not my choice or of my interest) just facts.

Personally everyone entering the D/s, BDSM should have some limits or rights and be made aware that there are some limits that shouldn't be crossed. But then again who am I to judge.

I have met women that wanted to be turned into a quadriplegic or dismembered. To serve a Dom (not my thing). Everyone has a choice and should be made aware of their choices and either accept them or not. I could go on and on about choices and such but then it might go against someone else's choices.

But from my experiences. "Traits" of a submissive usually are:
Pleasing others
Doing for others
Desire attention
Desire gratification
Enjoying doing tasks to please others.
As well as many others NOT limited to the above I have mentioned.

 

[BadMoonRisingX]

I am curious because I've been exploring bdsm and the Power Exchange of D/s, and everything I have come to learn is that submission has various facets. A submissive person is someone who willingly submits to the authority of another. A submissive person enjoys being in a service-oriented mindset and finds peace of mind in taking orders from those he or she has placed in positions of power. This can be at home, in the workplace, among friends or in community relationships.

Healthy submissive relationships are conscious and consensual. In other words, one party has agreed to hold more power of one kind or another. The other party has agreed to submit. It is agreed upon by the individuals. During my exploration at LIT, it's been shared with me that submissive individuals don't have "rights" or "choice in a relationship." The idea has been implied that basically, 'the submissive is a doormat who has to tolerate poor behavior' and should automatically trust someone and just do what they expect or say.". This contradicts things I have studied and learned from friends I know in the lifestyle.

I would love to hear from people with actual experience what truly should be the expectation from a submissive and Dominant in this type of relationship. Thank you to anyone who can provide more clarity and insight!

.

Dominance and submission are complimentary and mutually attractive natures. Both are giving in some ways and receiving in other ways. A dominant who says that a submissive doesn't have rights or a choice is not engaging in an emotionally healthy relationship.

I often hear people speak of submission being a gift or something that's earned. While I don't disagree, I think this attitude implies that it is only the submissive that is sacrificing or giving something in a relationship. This can lead to submissives accepting very poor behavior from dominants.

An emotionally healthy dominant has developed the competence and self control to protect and lead. This isn't easy. His efforts should appear effortless because what he does is mostly behind the scenes. In the same way as submission is earned, so too is the dominance of an emotionally healthy dominant.

 

[Whimsical_Enchantress]

Dominance and submission are complimentary and mutually attractive natures. Both are giving in some ways and receiving in other ways. A dominant who says that a submissive doesn't have rights or a choice is not engaging in an emotionally healthy relationship.

I often hear people speak of submission being a gift or something that's earned. While I don't disagree, I think this attitude implies that it is only the submissive that is sacrificing or giving something in a relationship. This can lead to submissives accepting very poor behavior from dominants.

An emotionally healthy dominant has developed the competence and self control to protect and lead. This isn't easy. His efforts should appear effortless because what he does is mostly behind the scenes. In the same way as submission is earned, so too is the dominance of an emotionally healthy dominant.

Thank you for sharing those beautiful and wise words! It’s deeply appreciated by me!! Hoping you have a wonderful day!!

 

[LittleSwitchy]

I am curious because I've been exploring bdsm and the Power Exchange of D/s, and everything I have come to learn is that submission has various facets. A submissive person is someone who willingly submits to the authority of another. A submissive person enjoys being in a service-oriented mindset and finds peace of mind in taking orders from those he or she has placed in positions of power. This can be at home, in the workplace, among friends or in community relationships.

Healthy submissive relationships are conscious and consensual. In other words, one party has agreed to hold more power of one kind or another. The other party has agreed to submit. It is agreed upon by the individuals. During my exploration at LIT, it's been shared with me that submissive individuals don't have "rights" or "choice in a relationship." The idea has been implied that basically, 'the submissive is a doormat who has to tolerate poor behavior' and should automatically trust someone and just do what they expect or say.". This contradicts things I have studied and learned from friends I know in the lifestyle.

I would love to hear from people with actual experience what truly should be the expectation from a submissive and Dominant in this type of relationship. Thank you to anyone who can provide more clarity and insight!

.

I saw this thread and thought I’d chime in
As for the submissive “ has no rights”. I totally disagree. A submissive chooses who to submit to and sets the limits. Being there’s a big difference between soft and hard limits.
It takes a very open communication in the relationship. That kind of openness leaves people very vulnerable. Imagine telling someone your deepest darkest desires.
Here’s where it might get me in trouble with pretty much anyone.
Ask 10 people to define submissive. You’re going to get 10 different explanations.
When I hear “ no right” I don’t think submissive. I think slave. Granted ask people to define each. That line between submissive and slave gets blurred.

 

[LittleSwitchy]

There are an unfortunate number of self proclaimed ‘Doms’ that are actually just selfish assholes who want to stick their dick in a woman without having to concern themselves with her needs or treat her as an actual person with agency. They think having a ‘sub’ is the solution.

They aren’t actually Doms, though. I refer to them as Dommy McDomPants, LOL.

Ill let the actual Doms explain their own perspective. One thing I do know is that subs aren’t doormats, and we don’t ever just submit to someone because they demanded it.

May I ask. Why do bad dominants have to be male? Bad dominants are bad dominants. Regardless of gender.
A good dominant is like a guide. They guide the sub/ slave in a journey.
I agree. The sub/ slave isn’t a doormat. It takes a lot of strength to submit to someone. The sub/ slave has lot of power in the relationship. They choose who to submit too. They set the limits.
With open communication between the dominant and sub/ slave. They talk and figure out what does and doesn’t work. As they begin a journey.

 

[KatieDoes]

May I ask. Why do bad dominants have to be male? Bad dominants are bad dominants. Regardless of gender.
A good dominant is like a guide. They guide the sub/ slave in a journey.
I agree. The sub/ slave isn’t a doormat. It takes a lot of strength to submit to someone. The sub/ slave has lot of power in the relationship. They choose who to submit too. They set the limits.
With open communication between the dominant and sub/ slave. They talk and figure out what does and doesn’t work. As they begin a journey.

I didn’t say that. I’ve only interacted with male Dom’s here that behave that way, and no female Domme’s have. I was speaking on my personal experience, which is valid.


I play with both men and women. To date, absolutely zero women have ever introduced themselves in my PM’s by telling me what I’m going to do, telling me how to please them, calling me submissive pet names, referring to themselves as my master or Dom/Domme, or otherwise behaving as though they are entitled to me, my time, my submission, my energy, or my body. Zero Women, ever. I’ve lost count of how many men have.

 

[BadMoonRisingX]

May I ask. Why do bad dominants have to be male? Bad dominants are bad dominants. Regardless of gender.
A good dominant is like a guide. They guide the sub/ slave in a journey.
I agree. The sub/ slave isn’t a doormat. It takes a lot of strength to submit to someone. The sub/ slave has lot of power in the relationship. They choose who to submit too. They set the limits.
With open communication between the dominant and sub/ slave. They talk and figure out what does and doesn’t work. As they begin a journey.

Or why even limit bad behavior to dominants? I've met several very manipulative submissive women. Their actions are always more covert and indirect than direct. They usually have some form of plausible deniability pre-planned as an excuse for their bad behavior. It takes time to see patterns with indirect manipulative actions. Regardless, abuse has no gender or D/s distinction. Abusive people use the tools available to them so the abuse might look different when done by a man or a woman or a dominant or submissive, but it's still abuse.

 

[KatieDoes]

Or why even limit bad behavior to dominants? I've met several very manipulative submissive women. Their actions are always more covert and indirect than direct. They usually have some form of plausible deniability pre-planned as an excuse for their bad behavior. It takes time to see patterns with indirect manipulative actions. Regardless, abuse has no gender or D/s distinction. Abusive people use the tools available to them so the abuse might look different when done by a man or a woman or a dominant or submissive, but it's still abuse.

Perhaps you’d like to begin a thread about that?

 

[LittleSwitchy]

I didn’t say that. I’ve only interacted with male Dom’s here that behave that way, and no female Domme’s have. I was speaking on my personal experience, which is valid.


I play with both men and women. To date, absolutely zero women have ever introduced themselves in my PM’s by telling me what I’m going to do, telling me how to please them, calling me submissive pet names, referring to themselves as my master or Dom/Domme, or otherwise behaving as though they are entitled to me, my time, my submission, my energy, or my body. Zero Women, ever. I’ve lost count of how many men have.

I’ll agree with lot of this. I think lot of why is the young immature that assume. Online is way different than in person.
It’s easier to approach here in improper way. In person they would not.
If the new to lifestyle would think for a minute. Approach people like you would in person. Are you going to walk up to someone you’re meeting and say… hey bish/ baby girl. I’m master grand poobah/ daddy jackass.
How about trying… hey I’m billy Joe bob. I saw you across the room. Thought I’d come say hi. Or if approaching someone here. Hey Katie I saw your post thought I could talk to you about it.