Feedback Requested

[Whanmore]

Hey Lit family.

I'm a long-time reader and recently published my first stories. I would love some feedback as I plan to write quite the story with tons of chapters and spinoffs.

https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=5715413&page=submissions

Will reciprocate if desired. This is a story involving college students in the Erotic Coupling Genre with some elements of Voyeur/exhibitionism and Reluctance/Nonconsent

 

[TheRedChamber]

Congratulations on your first couple of stories. It's hard to give good feedback on the first couple of parts of a series and I feel this one needs a bit more time to get going. That said, I'm going to be fairly harsh about it, not because everything is terrible, but because I had some issues with making sense of the story as it's presented.

1) The basic set-up, horny freshmen sharing a dorm could work and has worked before - the issue will be if you can make each episode sexy enough and distinguish your characters from the others.
2) I understood what you were trying to do with the prelude - give each character a horny encounter before everyone met at college - but the problem is you're trying to introduce 9 names characters in just 3k words, and it's very difficult to keep up with them all especially as they are all (to us at the moment) just horny teenagers. Essentially most of the encounters are teenagers fuck/suck and are nearly discovered by their parents/elders. (Given the number of character's it also seems weird that Jennifer's boyfriend doesn't get a name when everyone else does) They don't really stand out vividly enough from each other to be effective at introducing the characters.
3) Then when we get to the university, we meet the same characters again but they're all just sitting around drinking, smoking weed, watching various movies and coppng off together. Probably a fairly accurate portrail of the first week at university, but by the end of the first chapter, I'm not really sure I know much about any of the characters. A lot of the chapter is devoted to characters making entrances and introducing themselves, but not really in a way that distinguishes them from each other - it's all about grabbing beers/wwed. On top of the 9 characters, you also give us Jayson as the main character from chapter 1 and Brent and Dustin who aren't in the prologue (and David and Christa don't seem to make a reappearance). It's too much to keep track of.
4) We're told a character is prim and proper, but immediately also told she's already sucked a dick, so this doesn't really have much impact. Overall, because we've establish in the first part that everyone is sexually active (except the confusion over the new characters) it just seems like everyone is already moving at 100 miles per hour.
5) Although it's just a series of shorts - the prologue finishes approrpriately with a 'She loved a happy ending'. On the other hand, chapter one finishes suddenly just as it's starting to get interesting. If you really need to break it there, at least say something about how excited Jayson is about what is going to happen next.
6) The scenes flipping between Darin and Erica fucking and the other students hanging out next door is fun enough, but it means that, more than anyone else you're introducing it feels like the chapter should be focused on them. However, when they do make and entrance, they don't really have much of a meaningful interaction with anyone. There on our minds at the moment, so anything we're told about them is more likely to stick. The nearest we really get to defining the characters is the line between them about the difference between busting a nut and 25 years in jail. The sex is written suitably filthily which suggests you can be effective in presenting appriately 'deviant' scenes, but because we're not really in their heads, it doesn't come across as anything more than just good fucking.

Sorry if that seems like a lot (but if you check out other feedback I've given, it's not necessarily more than usual) it's just, for a first story, trying to get so many characters working at the same time is difficult. I've done a story with upto 12 named characters taking part in the same scene before, but only by making it clear that the focus is on the two main characters and everyone else is mostly supplimental and even that was challenging.

 

[Mastered_again]

Hey Lit family.

I'm a long-time reader and recently published my first stories. I would love some feedback as I plan to write quite the story with tons of chapters and spinoffs.

https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=5715413&page=submissions

Will reciprocate if desired. This is a story involving college students in the Erotic Coupling Genre with some elements of Voyeur/exhibitionism and Reluctance/Nonconsent

Congratulations on writing and submitting your first stories.

That said, I'm in agreement with RedChamber and won't rehash his points.

Not to be cruel, but for me, the various scenes in both parts are too disjointed to develop any affinity for the characters. Kind of like your characters, were you drinking and smoking weed while writing?
Everything seems random, with no point to their interactions. Spend more time on character development, so we can differentiate them. I was constantly jumping back in the story to keep them straight. Maybe fewer characters in any one scene so that they form in our minds. I understand that the first week of college is a whirlwind, but the writing shouldn't be.

 

[Whanmore]

Congratulations on writing and submitting your first stories.

That said, I'm in agreement with RedChamber and won't rehash his points.

Not to be cruel, but for me, the various scenes in both parts are too disjointed to develop any affinity for the characters. Kind of like your characters, were you drinking and smoking weed while writing?
Everything seems random, with no point to their interactions. Spend more time on character development, so we can differentiate them. I was constantly jumping back in the story to keep them straight. Maybe fewer characters in any one scene so that they form in our minds. I understand that the first week of college is a whirlwind, but the writing shouldn't be.

Thanks Sooo much for reading and writing. No harsh feelings here. The more eyes on my stories the better! No I wasn't smoking or drinking while writing LOL only while I'm daydreaming up scenarios. I definitely understand what you mean about the "whirlwind" Idea. That was certainly a concern that spawned the idea of the prelude. I certainly will take your advice to heart and look into ways for my characters to develop more! PS cant wait to read more about George and Linda!

 

[Whanmore]

Congratulations on your first couple of stories. It's hard to give good feedback on the first couple of parts of a series and I feel this one needs a bit more time to get going. That said, I'm going to be fairly harsh about it, not because everything is terrible, but because I had some issues with making sense of the story as it's presented.

1) The basic set-up, horny freshmen sharing a dorm could work and has worked before - the issue will be if you can make each episode sexy enough and distinguish your characters from the others.
2) I understood what you were trying to do with the prelude - give each character a horny encounter before everyone met at college - but the problem is you're trying to introduce 9 names characters in just 3k words, and it's very difficult to keep up with them all especially as they are all (to us at the moment) just horny teenagers. Essentially most of the encounters are teenagers fuck/suck and are nearly discovered by their parents/elders. (Given the number of character's it also seems weird that Jennifer's boyfriend doesn't get a name when everyone else does) They don't really stand out vividly enough from each other to be effective at introducing the characters.
3) Then when we get to the university, we meet the same characters again but they're all just sitting around drinking, smoking weed, watching various movies and coppng off together. Probably a fairly accurate portrail of the first week at university, but by the end of the first chapter, I'm not really sure I know much about any of the characters. A lot of the chapter is devoted to characters making entrances and introducing themselves, but not really in a way that distinguishes them from each other - it's all about grabbing beers/wwed. On top of the 9 characters, you also give us Jayson as the main character from chapter 1 and Brent and Dustin who aren't in the prologue (and David and Christa don't seem to make a reappearance). It's too much to keep track of.
4) We're told a character is prim and proper, but immediately also told she's already sucked a dick, so this doesn't really have much impact. Overall, because we've establish in the first part that everyone is sexually active (except the confusion over the new characters) it just seems like everyone is already moving at 100 miles per hour.
5) Although it's just a series of shorts - the prologue finishes approrpriately with a 'She loved a happy ending'. On the other hand, chapter one finishes suddenly just as it's starting to get interesting. If you really need to break it there, at least say something about how excited Jayson is about what is going to happen next.
6) The scenes flipping between Darin and Erica fucking and the other students hanging out next door is fun enough, but it means that, more than anyone else you're introducing it feels like the chapter should be focused on them. However, when they do make and entrance, they don't really have much of a meaningful interaction with anyone. There on our minds at the moment, so anything we're told about them is more likely to stick. The nearest we really get to defining the characters is the line between them about the difference between busting a nut and 25 years in jail. The sex is written suitably filthily which suggests you can be effective in presenting appriately 'deviant' scenes, but because we're not really in their heads, it doesn't come across as anything more than just good fucking.

Sorry if that seems like a lot (but if you check out other feedback I've given, it's not necessarily more than usual) it's just, for a first story, trying to get so many characters working at the same time is difficult. I've done a story with upto 12 named characters taking part in the same scene before, but only by making it clear that the focus is on the two main characters and everyone else is mostly supplimental and even that was challenging.

OMG I freaking love your critiques. Thanks for reading. Of course I knew that would be a challenge and one I was willing to take on with an open mind. I've definitely got a plan/hope to get more character development. Thanks for your input on the chapter endings as well. That's something I hadn't heard yet. I'll have to check out some of your stories!

 

[Mastered_again]

Thanks Sooo much for reading and writing. No harsh feelings here. The more eyes on my stories the better! No I wasn't smoking or drinking while writing LOL only while I'm daydreaming up scenarios. I definitely understand what you mean about the "whirlwind" Idea. That was certainly a concern that spawned the idea of the prelude. I certainly will take your advice to heart and look into ways for my characters to develop more! PS cant wait to read more about George and Linda!

You're much st welcome.and I'm relieved that you took it in the manner intended. If anyone asks for feedback, they should expect honest opinions. Generally, they'll be from.other authors and I believe that we're all interested in improving each others skills.

And thanks for your comment on Proclivities Part 1. I hope you'll make through all parts. By my reckoning there will be a total of 8, or at least that's as far as I've gotten.

P.S. If you just want abuse, write something for the Loving Wives catgory.

 

[Whanmore]

Oh Sure. I've definitely got Some Loving Wives stories outlines. Also some BTB categories. Nonconsent/reluctance so yea I'm hear for all the trolls. Its comedy therapy for me. I'm into your third chapter. I;n usually not as much into the dominance but I like the way you write. I hope you read some of my stories as they are published.

 

[April602]

Hello
First two stories.
I have written a couple of true stories of my adventures while responding to a Craigslist Ad. Remember those?
Here are the stories

https://literotica.com/s/student-aid

https://literotica.com/s/student-aid-ch-02

Love to read your comments and please rate my story if you like it….I need the encouragement.
Feel free to follow me also as I have submitted another story and hopefully it will get published soon.
All my stories are true.

Thanks
April602

 

[gilesthegoatboy]

I really liked them. I found the thought process intriguing and action hot.

 

[Whanmore]

You're much st welcome.and I'm relieved that you took it in the manner intended. If anyone asks for feedback, they should expect honest opinions. Generally, they'll be from.other authors and I believe that we're all interested in improving each others skills.

And thanks for your comment on Proclivities Part 1. I hope you'll make through all parts. By my reckoning there will be a total of 8, or at least that's as far as I've gotten.

P.S. If you just want abuse, write something for the Loving Wives catgory.

Can I ask. Why are the stories on your page listed Twice? I see they were posted on the same dates

 

[Mastered_again]

Can I ask. Why are the stories on your page listed Twice? I see they were posted on the same dates

I asked Laurel to fix one thing, which she did, but the result was the double listing. One of these days, I'll get around to asking her to remove the double tap.

 

[Whanmore]

Hey. Sorry me again. My last entry got a "Hot" rating. Obviously its pretty self explanatory and I was pretty excited to see that but....how does the site determine the criteria for whats "hot" ? do you know? I'm not planning to cater as I've found stimulating writing not labelled "hot" and "hot" labeled stories to be positively bland. I've been curious about that for years

 

[Mastered_again]

I believe it's a minimum of 10 votes with an minimum average of 4.5

 

[Whanmore]

New Chapter coming soon.I need a editor though