The void after goodbye

[falkor207]

So I had to say goodbye yesterday to someone I was really connected to here. It was friendly and mutual. Situations and circumstances change, that's life. Knowing this doesn't take away the sting or the void that's left behind. No one irl I can share this with. Connecting online with new people and chatting about life along with any number of Lit related topics is difficult. I'm just an average guy with a bit of a wild side and open mind. How does one deal with a loss in the virtual world? This one cut deep.

 

[SassySheDevil]

Sadly, the same as in real life, only more "alone" You have to go through all the steps to process it. It takes time. I try and remind myself that everyone comes into my life for a reason. Not all are meant to stay. But it doesn't make it any easier at the time. Truthfully, just like the real world, it simply takes time. Let yourself have all the feelings though so you can process it easier.

Good luck.

 

[falkor207]

Sadly, the same as in real life, only more "alone" You have to go through all the steps to process it. It takes time. I try and remind myself that everyone comes into my life for a reason. Not all are meant to stay. But it doesn't make it any easier at the time. Truthfully, just like the real world, it simply takes time. Let yourself have all the feelings though so you can process it easier.

Good luck.

Thank you Sassy.

 

[AveryElle]

So I had to say goodbye yesterday to someone I was really connected to here. It was friendly and mutual. Situations and circumstances change, that's life. Knowing this doesn't take away the sting or the void that's left behind. No one irl I can share this with. Connecting online with new people and chatting about life along with any number of Lit related topics is difficult. I'm just an average guy with a bit of a wild side and open mind. How does one deal with a loss in the virtual world? This one cut deep.

It sucks - there's the void of missing the person, the void of the time you spent with that person. The only way to deal is time, unfortunately. And the time makes it harder because you have time to reflect and see if you could have done anything differently. Not every relationship has to be infinite. Some relationships we start HAVE to end. And it sucks. I've always preferred not to have secondary relationships because they hurt when they end.

You're not alone, and I hope you find something that brings you comfort soon.

 

[Series 6]

So I had to say goodbye yesterday to someone I was really connected to here. It was friendly and mutual. Situations and circumstances change, that's life. Knowing this doesn't take away the sting or the void that's left behind. No one irl I can share this with. Connecting online with new people and chatting about life along with any number of Lit related topics is difficult. I'm just an average guy with a bit of a wild side and open mind. How does one deal with a loss in the virtual world? This one cut deep.

Interesting you bring this up. I'm taking a college class and one of the topics discussed is disenfranchised grief, which is grief that isn't "socially sanctioned." Meaning grief that doesn't meet a social script or is not openly acknowledged. This would fit the definition.

Like others have said, it seems like it would follow the same steps of healing. I would say to fill the void with other things you enjoy and maybe build some new connections here.

 

[AveryElle]

Interesting you bring this up. I'm taking a college class and one of the topics discussed is disenfranchised grief, which is grief that isn't "socially sanctioned." Meaning grief that doesn't meet a social script or is not openly acknowledged. This would fit the definition.

Like others have said, it seems like it would follow the same steps of healing. I would say to fill the void with other things you enjoy and maybe build some new connections here.

Interesting. Really interesting.

 

[falkor207]

It sucks - there's the void of missing the person, the void of the time you spent with that person. The only way to deal is time, unfortunately. And the time makes it harder because you have time to reflect and see if you could have done anything differently. Not every relationship has to be infinite. Some relationships we start HAVE to end. And it sucks. I've always preferred not to have secondary relationships because they hurt when they end.

You're not alone, and I hope you find something that brings you comfort soon.

Thanks for chiming in. You hit on a point I didn't overtly make. I post mainly focused on emotional pain caused by loss. Adding in the sealy "feee" time allowing the mind to take its trips down memory lane and ponder what might have been just keeps ripping the scab off keeping the hurt alive. I've lived enough to know deep down somewhere that time does heal old wounds. Anyone got a time machine I can borrow? It's a time machine, you'll never know it was gone....

 

[falkor207]

Interesting you bring this up. I'm taking a college class and one of the topics discussed is disenfranchised grief, which is grief that isn't "socially sanctioned." Meaning grief that doesn't meet a social script or is not openly acknowledged. This would fit the definition.

Like others have said, it seems like it would follow the same steps of healing. I would say to fill the void with other things you enjoy and maybe build some new connections here.

Wow. They teach this stuff in college?? Yes, based on your description I'd agree that's exactly what this is. Thanks for helping give it a proper name. What's your major that this would be part of the curriculum? Any chance you can reference a textbook? Thanks for your comment. Good luck with your future endeavors.

 

[barefootgirl69]

Sassy's answer was spot on. You have to process it just like you would any other grief. I hate to say 'in real life" because the feelings and emotions are VERY real, even if you can't acknowledge them to anyone outside of Lit.

Avery mentioned "time". You need to fill your time differently now. Maybe on the word threads or the question threads, something to fill your mind and maybe meet others to chat in threads with.

Most of all, I will leave you with something someone told me. Don't look back and cry to what you had, look back and remember all the happy memories that were made.

 

[LikeableMe]

So I had to say goodbye yesterday to someone I was really connected to here. It was friendly and mutual. Situations and circumstances change, that's life. Knowing this doesn't take away the sting or the void that's left behind. No one irl I can share this with. Connecting online with new people and chatting about life along with any number of Lit related topics is difficult. I'm just an average guy with a bit of a wild side and open mind. How does one deal with a loss in the virtual world? This one cut deep.

I’m in a similar situation. Five years of being connected to someone, personal contact details exchanged and him so involved in my life that when out with family I would get them to pose or even take videos for him to try to involve him. Goodnight talks and texts, sharing hopes for the future, and supporting each other with them. Every morning I would look for a cute image or message to send for him to wake up to. Texting so much that I mastered holding a text conversation whilst brushing my teeth!

And now… no cute images, no phone call later to look forward to, no making him proud with telling him how I handled aggressive people at work. No updates on how a goal I wanted to support him with is going. It had become a goal of my own to see him achieve it. It’s hard. A huge void, as you describe it. I won’t elaborate too much, but it is really hard.

I’m doing as others have suggested - and trying to fill time differently. It doesn’t feel fun or joyous, it feels like an effort right now, but that won’t last forever.

If you get that time machine, can I borrow it?

I hope you find some peace soon.

 

[Series 6]

Wow. They teach this stuff in college?? Yes, based on your description I'd agree that's exactly what this is. Thanks for helping give it a proper name. What's your major that this would be part of the curriculum? Any chance you can reference a textbook? Thanks for your comment. Good luck with your future endeavors.

Thanks. I'm a non-traditional student in that I retired from a company that I worked at for nearly 30 years to go back to college. Covid-19 and the shutdowns that lead to taking many classes online changed my trajectory, so I am basically going for two degrees - one in Liberal Arts and one in Human Services. The class that I took was a sociology class on Death and Dying. The textbook we used is Understanding Dying, Death, and Bereavement by Michael R Leming and George E Dickinson.

 

[falkor207]

Sassy's answer was spot on. You have to process it just like you would any other grief. I hate to say 'in real life" because the feelings and emotions are VERY real, even if you can't acknowledge them to anyone outside of Lit.

Avery mentioned "time". You need to fill your time differently now. Maybe on the word threads or the question threads, something to fill your mind and maybe meet others to chat in threads with.

Most of all, I will leave you with something someone told me. Don't look back and cry to what you had, look back and remember all the happy memories that were made.

Thanks for your reply. I'm certain I'll get to a point where the memories can be enjoyed. That journey has begun and being able to express myself is a big step forward.

 

[falkor207]

I’m in a similar situation. Five years of being connected to someone, personal contact details exchanged and him so involved in my life that when out with family I would get them to pose or even take videos for him to try to involve him. Goodnight talks and texts, sharing hopes for the future, and supporting each other with them. Every morning I would look for a cute image or message to send for him to wake up to. Texting so much that I mastered holding a text conversation whilst brushing my teeth!

And now… no cute images, no phone call later to look forward to, no making him proud with telling him how I handled aggressive people at work. No updates on how a goal I wanted to support him with is going. It had become a goal of my own to see him achieve it. It’s hard. A huge void, as you describe it. I won’t elaborate too much, but it is really hard.

I’m doing as others have suggested - and trying to fill time differently. It doesn’t feel fun or joyous, it feels like an effort right now, but that won’t last forever.

If you get that time machine, can I borrow it?

I hope you find some peace soon.

Wow, thank you for sharing your experience! I haven't even known about Lit for 5 years. Meeting someone online and getting to know them is still a bit new for me. Texting and brushing your teeth simultaneously sounds like a fun skill. I wish you the best in your journey to find peace. If you'd like a sympathetic ear to bend PMs are always welcome.

 

[falkor207]

Thanks. I'm a non-traditional student in that I retired from a company that I worked at for nearly 30 years to go back to college. Covid-19 and the shutdowns that lead to taking many classes online changed my trajectory, so I am basically going for two degrees - one in Liberal Arts and one in Human Services. The class that I took was a sociology class on Death and Dying. The textbook we used is Understanding Dying, Death, and Bereavement by Michael R Leming and George E Dickinson.

Amazing, you just don't hear about 30 year careers with a single company. Congratulations! Dual track as a non-traditional student, that sounds challenging and I wish you the best in your next career. Thanks for the textbook info. I'll take a look

 

[munch2much]

I can join the chorus of sympathy. I met a lovely lady on Lit. We crossed over into real life and had a beautiful time, albeit interrupted by some very challenging complications.
It was the right thing to do, to go our separate ways. But just because it’s the right thing, it doesn’t take the pain away.
I’ve had other relationships since. Time is the great healer. I’m much better these days, but it’s still there. Something that lasted so long isn’t easily forgotten.

 

[AveryElle]

just because it’s the right thing, it doesn’t take the pain away.
…Something that lasted so long isn’t easily forgotten.

Wow. You’re so, so right.

 

[KatieDoes]

I am really sorry for your loss. You’ve gotten some wonderful advice here. I’d like to add that I think it’s important to let yourself feel whatever you feel. You will get over it, you will move on, and you will be ok. But there’s nothing wrong with being sad. I think sometimes we try too hard to push sadness down and away. That can be more tempting in this situation, because you’re mourning the loss of a relationship that was secret. Not that I’m recommending you collapse into it and wallow forever, of course. Your loss is real, your feelings are real, your sadness is real, and I think you should be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to be sad about it.

 

[falkor207]

Just want to say, I've been there and it really, really hurts. It feels like a proper break up, without having any friends in real life to offer a shoulder to cry on. You do it alone and it's even harder because you have to pretend you're ok, when inside you're not.

You have to allow yourself time to grieve and come to terms that it's over. Having friends online that you can talk to actually helps. Fill the void by keeping busy, finding something in real life that takes up that time and find new friends online to talk to.

Slowly....very slowly it does get easier.

Thanks for the reply. Your comment about hiding it and pretending to be ok jarred a thought loose. This is also true for people with dressing or other chronic "unnseen" illness. This isn't my favorite time of year and I struggle with December as it is. Keeping that smiling or straight face is energy draining, We can only do what we can the best we we can. Thanks again

 

[falkor207]

I am really sorry for your loss. You’ve gotten some wonderful advice here. I’d like to add that I think it’s important to let yourself feel whatever you feel. You will get over it, you will move on, and you will be ok. But there’s nothing wrong with being sad. I think sometimes we try too hard to push sadness down and away. That can be more tempting in this situation, because you’re mourning the loss of a relationship that was secret. Not that I’m recommending you collapse into it and wallow forever, of course. Your loss is real, your feelings are real, your sadness is real, and I think you should be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to be sad about it.

Thank you for commenting. I concur all of the advice and comments have rung true and been quite helpful. Sometimes it takes hearing a message repeatedly for it to be truly heard.

 

[Serendipity_NY]

Yes, so damn hard when you are used to someone in your life then they are gone. It's like a death. The only thing that helps and so many have said it, is time and keeping yourself busy. I've been through it recently and finally starting to not feel that hole anymore.

 

[Misshotndeep]

So I had to say goodbye yesterday to someone I was really connected to here. It was friendly and mutual. Situations and circumstances change, that's life. Knowing this doesn't take away the sting or the void that's left behind. No one irl I can share this with. Connecting online with new people and chatting about life along with any number of Lit related topics is difficult. I'm just an average guy with a bit of a wild side and open mind. How does one deal with a loss in the virtual world? This one cut deep.

I don't think how you meet or connect matters when you loose someone you put time and emotion into. The loss can be dealt with in so many ways I can't even count them. Some are self hurting and some are helpful. No one can tell you how to heal your hurt. You are feeling grief. It is normal and we have all been there online or RL. That feeling of being lost is just one of the stages.
I hope you look at any lessons that they may have taught you. I hope that your grief is short. I hope that you don't jump into something new romantic/friendship just to try to fill the void. Mostly I wish you the best.

 

[bluesatyr0]

Sadly experienced this more than a couple of times, and it really does sting for a long time. I often wonder and wish to reconnect with them, but know it can't be. Just have to be satisfied with the memories shared in the past. I suppose the only consolation is knowing that there are others out there and the possibility of a new connection still exists.

 

[sangerin]

So I had to say goodbye yesterday to someone I was really connected to here. It was friendly and mutual. Situations and circumstances change, that's life. Knowing this doesn't take away the sting or the void that's left behind. No one irl I can share this with. Connecting online with new people and chatting about life along with any number of Lit related topics is difficult. I'm just an average guy with a bit of a wild side and open mind. How does one deal with a loss in the virtual world? This one cut deep.

Pm me. Just had the exact same thing happen yesterday, too.

 

[falkor207]

Yes, so damn hard when you are used to someone in your life then they are gone. It's like a death. The only thing that helps and so many have said it, is time and keeping yourself busy. I've been through it recently and finally starting to not feel that hole anymore.

Thanks for the reply and support. Wishing you peace moving forward.

 

[falkor207]

I don't think how you meet or connect matters when you loose someone you put time and emotion into. The loss can be dealt with in so many ways I can't even count them. Some are self hurting and some are helpful. No one can tell you how to heal your hurt. You are feeling grief. It is normal and we have all been there online or RL. That feeling of being lost is just one of the stages.
I hope you look at any lessons that they may have taught you. I hope that your grief is short. I hope that you don't jump into something new romantic/friendship just to try to fill the void. Mostly I wish you the best.

Your words ring true when it comes to grief. RL grief in many cases is supported by family friends. Virtual grief, at least for me is new and having to keep it secret makes it that much harder. The comments and support here have been fantastic and helpful in a surprisingly expected way. Thank you.