Feedback Much Appreciated

[DarkDuck09]

So a while ago I wrote the first story I ever actually published for the public. It's a fantasy world where Laura, the protagonist is serving as a sort of cross between a Division (the game) agent and police officer. It was originally going to be a series but I think I'm leaving it as just a one off for now. My goal was to publish it here and get feedback for it. It's been several weeks and it's in the top Non-human genre stories (if you sort by last 30 days) but the only comment on it is "so good." Don't get me wrong, I appreciate it, but that's not really the feedback I was looking for.

https://literotica.com/s/springvale-ranger

So I'll ask here. Any feedback is welcome. Is Laura relatable? Is she a good character? Do I spend too much time setting up the world and descriptions? Is the actual sex scene too long? I want to know it all!

Oh and heads up, it's 5 chapters of about 2.5k words each. If you only want to read the sex scene, the entire 4th chapter is it, 1 - 3 is setting up the world and Laura and 5 is the aftermath.

 

[Winter_Fare]

I found it a fun read, I hope you post more chapters on here.

In terms of constructive feedback, I think the first page dwells on the mundane too long. There's room to flesh out some of the world building alongside it rather than dropping that information mid flow in the conversations with Conor and the chief. Something as simple as a weather report could add detail to the city.

There's room to hone down the descriptive language you're using without losing anything.
"She exited the armory, hearing the lock slide back into place as the door closed behind her. Entering the elevator again she pressed the ground floor button. The door closed immediately, and the elevator sped upwards. When the door opened again, and she stepped out, instead of turning toward the front lobby, she turned toward the garage. She pulled out her phone and opened a text conversation with Bravrim. Leaving now. She sent the text, put the phone on silent and then slid it back into her pocket. She just had to choose a vehicle and head to the estate now."
All that to set off, and still no real idea how she got to the vamps lair!

She's working without a partner, but realistically she'd have some contact with a team, pencil pushers as you put it, that can send EMTs if she's hurt or reinforcement should it become available.

That Matriarch 100% deserved to die, sleeping in an obvious coffin next to an unlocked window. Personally I don't think you dwell long enough on the reality of ending the first vamp she encounters with a single strike; the sound, the smell, the feel of it. Does Laura literally feel nothing? No satisfaction, no disgust, no relief that it was so easy?

I'm a bit put off by the total lack of tactical planning:

"On one hand, clearing every room would take more time and would mean that it would be dark by the time she found her intended target, but it would make for an easier escape. On the other, if she skipped the rooms, and she tripped some sort of alarm, she'd have to fight through a lot of vampires. It was the proverbial shit sandwich she had heard so much about; a sandwich she had taken a bite of several times in her three years of being a Ranger."

She's doing everything on the fly, but surely her organisation would have some information about this place; the size of it and the number of rooms should definitely not be a surprise. That's the side of her that's kind of entertaining, but not really believable after three years experience.

The after bite dream sequence was sexy, but by the end of it surely she'd no longer be holding any weapons or medical devices and any vamp with half a brain would have tied her up.
Ezekiel deserves all the pointy doom too for thinking with his penis.

I'm genuinely looking forward to seeing where the series goes, it's got a Buffy the vampire slash shadowrun vibes and the world needs more of those stories x

 

[DarkDuck09]

I found it a fun read, I hope you post more chapters on here...

Thank you so much for your feedback!

I definitely agree with you on most if not all of the points. I'm evolving my language a bit as I go but still have a lot of room for improvement. Bad habits are hard to break and all that.

As for the tactical situation, partners, etc, that was a design decision that I think probably failed in the long run. I got the scene I wanted out of it, but I agree I did it in a way that isn't very realistic. I'll keep that in mind in the future for sure.

The on the fly stuff, would honestly be fixed by the proper planning said above I think. My issue is I didn't want to get too Tom Clancy with it, if you catch my drift. I'll have to find a way to balance it out. Something to work on for sure.

Edit: The lack of feeling is actually something that happens in high stress environments. I come from a military background and I can't actually recall any feelings during combat. I just kind of did what I needed to do. The feelings all came afterward. That's what I was going for with that but I definitely could have done it better.

As for Ezekiel not tying her up, I would say that was more of a decision based on Ezekiel being extremely full of himself. One of those "Why tie them up when they can instead crawl to you" sorts of things. Some of the details in that scene may have been lost in translation from my brain to my fingertips though. Must of missed it when did a second draft.

Again, thanks for the feedback! You've given me a lot to think about and improve on! I may have to retcon a few things, but I'm glad the setting and world are something that is interesting.

 

[labeltornoff]

Quick summary: Good plot, arousing action (the dream was worth reading again), characters seem real, needs an editor.

The overall story arc has legs, I think, should you decide to explore it more. I felt the end was a bit rushed. Laura didn't have to fight her way out and escaped without so much as an admiring moan from Eva. Sometimes, extended action has benefits (e.g., any John Wick movie). I really wanted to see how Laura avoided the undead mines. (Those are so cool.)

Invest in an editor. The cost is not in money but in chips off your ego. It is well worth the time and resulting soul-searching; I speak from experience. As an example, you write 'A highlander that was tactful and social...' Conall is a 'who.' Referring to him as 'that' probably doesn't help his attitude.

There is nothing in the story a good editor can't help you resolve. I want to read more about Laura. Please continue.

 

[Winter_Fare]

Labeltornof, there's an unfortunate typo in your signature link so it isn't working x

 

[labeltornoff]

Labeltornof, there's an unfortunate typo in your signature link so it isn't working x

I was missing an ending ". Thanks for catching it. It works now.

 

[DarkDuck09]

Quick summary: Good plot, arousing action (the dream was worth reading again), characters seem real, needs an editor.

The overall story arc has legs, I think, should you decide to explore it more. I felt the end was a bit rushed. Laura didn't have to fight her way out and escaped without so much as an admiring moan from Eva. Sometimes, extended action has benefits (e.g., any John Wick movie). I really wanted to see how Laura avoided the undead mines. (Those are so cool.)

Invest in an editor. The cost is not in money but in chips off your ego. It is well worth the time and resulting soul-searching; I speak from experience. As an example, you write 'A highlander that was tactful and social...' Conall is a 'who.' Referring to him as 'that' probably doesn't help his attitude.

There is nothing in the story a good editor can't help you resolve. I want to read more about Laura. Please continue.

Hey! Thanks for the feedback! I actually tried getting an editor originally but none of them came back. I'll broaden my search for one and see if I can snag one for sure though.

The ending was very rushed, I admit. I didn't want it to be too long and each chapter was already sitting at 2500 words. I also admit that outside of the RP realm, that was my first ever actual erotica, so I didn't really know how to end it. Something I gotta work on for sure.