Some feedback would be nice...

[JuanSeiszFitzHall]

https://www.literotica.com/s/two-bi-two-ch-01-02

I won’t claim to be still learning, and in need of guidance (though maybe I should). I’d just like some feedback on this item. After more than fifty entries here over two-years-plus, this story debuted Tuesday with my most-ever views, votes, faves, and new followers for one day--but no comments, because those seem to be in short supply in the Group Sex category. (UPDATE: There are now two comments, but I'd sure like more feedback.)

This is the first of seven two-chapter installments. The whole thing is finished, submitted, and scheduled. Here are what you should know before deciding to read this: It’s about two couples (American, modern-day) becoming a foursome; the first-person narrator is a black man married to a white woman; the other couple is white, also F&M; they’re all cis; there’s a brief mention of anal fingering; the narrator states that he and his wife are both bisexual, but they don’t yet act upon it; except for what they see in some pornos, there are none of what might be considered kinks, fetishes, or BDSM. I think that covers it.

This is less than 5k words, so it won’t take much reading time. I appreciate any feedback you might provide.

 

[Bramblethorn]

My two cents' worth. Bearing in mind that I don't read GS much, so I may not be the target audience.

Overall it read well - hard to judge a series based just on its first chapter, but this seemed like a promising start. Just a few things that caught my attention:

We met at a charity golf tournament. We were a very flirty foursome. In our marriage up to then, Kristi and I hadn't gone in for that sort of thing. There was enough on our plate, what with earning a living and making each other happy. But we seemed to have chemistry with Brenda and Garth, and it wasn't alcohol-based.

On the 18th green, Brenda asked if we'd like to go somewhere and talk, just talk, and see if we wanted to get better acquainted. She and Garth seemed nervous. That, oddly, put us at ease.

For me, this opening would have been a lot stronger if you'd shown that "flirty foursome" and "we seemed to have chemistry" on the page, instead of just summarising it. IMHO the dance that leads to sex is often as interesting and as erotic as the sex itself; you have shown some of that dance later on, but it's a pity to miss its opening steps.

Her fun went to too much.[\quote]

I didn't understand this sentence.

Kristi and I entered our own clinch. I had two fingers in her pussy when she leaned over my shoulder and asked our guests, "Is this the sort of thing you were doing two weeks ago?"

"Yes," said Brenda between gasps. "When Garth told me he had to turn you down, I almost took his head off. I made the best of it. I took on nine guys, and I came six times. I left with a pussy that felt like broken glass."

"But you're resigned," I said between nipple nibbles, "to us staying apart?"

"Not entirely," she said, now bobbing as she faced us, I think reverse-cowgirling Garth, "But my old man is my cunt's favorite visitor, and I'm getting some cute young eye candy. We're the parents here, we understand about self-denial."

[page break]

All she could see was my back and some of Kristi's head. But I was fucking my wife now, and I wanted it so much, and I was going to make it last.

One moment he's fingering and nibbling, and the next he's already inside her as a fait accompli. It had me flipping back to the previous page to see if I'd missed the point where he penetrated Kristi - no, it just wasn't mentioned. Feels like an odd moment to skip in a sex scene.

 

[RoperTrace]

https://www.literotica.com/s/two-bi-two-ch-01-02

I won’t claim to be still learning, and in need of guidance (though maybe I should). I’d just like some feedback on this item. After more than fifty entries here over two-years-plus, this story debuted Tuesday with my most-ever views, votes, faves, and new followers for one day--but no comments, because those seem to be in short supply in the Group Sex category. (UPDATE: There are now two comments, but I'd sure like more feedback.)

This is the first of seven two-chapter installments. The whole thing is finished, submitted, and scheduled. Here are what you should know before deciding to read this: It’s about two couples (American, modern-day) becoming a foursome; the first-person narrator is a black man married to a white woman; the other couple is white, also F&M; they’re all cis; there’s a brief mention of anal fingering; the narrator states that he and his wife are both bisexual, but they don’t yet act upon it; except for what they see in some pornos, there are none of what might be considered kinks, fetishes, or BDSM. I think that covers it.

This is less than 5k words, so it won’t take much reading time. I appreciate any feedback you might provide.

I left you a comment yesterday. GS isn't one of my preferred categories either, but it has promise. I liked the age difference of the couples.

 

[JuanSeiszFitzHall]

Much appreciated, folks.

To Bramblethorn: I see your points, and maybe I chose wrong. Because this became a long story, I wanted the very opening to be a bit distant, with a gradual approach to more direct involvement (at the Garth-&-Brenda house). Because there were a great many sex scenes, I wanted there to be some variety among them, and because what was new to Sherman was the action on the other loveseat, I shorthanded the sex on his loveseat. In all fourteen chapters his cock enters Kristi's pussy many, many times, and is described doing so. Fun-going-to-too-much was a probably obscure reference to the term 'too much fun,' as used by the late David Foster Wallace, connoting a thrill that might be turning negative.

To RoperTrace: Thanks, and I hope you'll be interested in what comes next. Chapters 3 and 4 drop tomorrow (he plugged).

 

[8letters]

The submission is two pages. Here are story statistics for a category broken out by page length. The longer a story is, the better it does, plateauing around six pages.

My interpretation of the page length statistics is that readers want to get attached to the characters and see the chemistry between them before the sex starts. That they want to see a story arc, and the sex then be a part of that story arc with a conclusion to the central conflict once the sex is over. Your story to me lacks any kind of conflict.

 

[beth_]

"My interpretation of the page length statistics is that readers want to get attached to the characters and see the chemistry between them before the sex starts. That they want to see a story arc, and the sex then be a part of that story arc with a conclusion to the central conflict once the sex is over."

8letters' comment above is exactly on target, at least to my personal tastes. Certainly I assume anyone reading here is looking for the sex, but I find that it's utterly bland without any attachment to the characters.

 

[NotWise]

In the opening of the story you introduce four characters simultaneously through a series of quickly-changing scenes. I found that confusing. I was probably half way through the first page before I started to figure out the characters. Figuring them out might have been easier if the characters had unique voices, but they all seemed to speak in the same voice.

The story--especially near the beginning--consists of segments of conversation interspersed with fairly long narratives. Most of the information you give us about the characters is in the narrative, and so the characters don't know each other very well, which is a problem. They're planning a foursome without even knowing what the other couples kinks or drug habits might be.

Some of that narrative information could have been included in conversation between the characters. That way not only would the readers know about the characters, but the characters would know about each other. That might have helped develop their voices.

You take very little time developing the characters. I got to the end without having any kind of organic understanding of why they were doing what they were doing.

Maybe you cut some corners to keep the story short, but I agree with 8letters. This isn't a long story. I think your readers would enjoy it more if you'd taken the time to flesh out the characters and given us a reason to care about what they were doing.

 

[JuanSeiszFitzHall]

Thanks, all. I guess I've missed a few points, and my intent didn't show up in the text.

 

[dmallord]

Sounds Encouraging, Right?

Thanks, all. I guess I've missed a few points, and my intent didn't show up in the text.

One very nice element about Lit is you can take the new knowledge and suggestions and revise your story! Think of your current submission as a 'first draft' for public viewing. You have feedback, make use of it and re-submit the changes. Just be sure to mark EDIT in the title so all the ratings etc. stay with the story. The next batch of readers will have reaped the rewards of those revisions and be none the wiser for your 'beta readers' and forum words of wisdom garnered.

You asked, are you going to make use of the info?

 

[dmallord]

8letters - great stuff!

The submission is two pages. Here are story statistics for a category broken out by page length. The longer a story is, the better it does, plateauing around six pages.

My interpretation of the page length statistics is that readers want to get attached to the characters and see the chemistry between them before the sex starts. That they want to see a story arc, and the sex then be a part of that story arc with a conclusion to the central conflict once the sex is over. Your story to me lacks any kind of conflict.

Thank you for the statistical data. I see the plateau marker in the data. I recently submitted a 2,500 word story - short - and received comments that it was too short. The emphasis was on length-not a remark to the quality or substance of the work.
Perhaps, I should be putting in a disclaimer about missing fingers and smashed hand as a writing factor. But that would be playing the sympathy card.

Having said that, I am not sure that length necessarily corollates with good chemistry. You noted this story, in your opinion, 'lacks any kind of conflict.' Length will not fix that.

 

[JuanSeiszFitzHall]

One very nice element about Lit is you can take the new knowledge and suggestions and revise your story! Think of your current submission as a 'first draft' for public viewing. You have feedback, make use of it and re-submit the changes. Just be sure to mark EDIT in the title so all the ratings etc. stay with the story. The next batch of readers will have reaped the rewards of those revisions and be none the wiser for your 'beta readers' and forum words of wisdom garnered.

You asked, are you going to make use of the info?

Thanks for the suggestion, but at this stage I think revision and resubmission would be a disservice to the people who have already put in the time to read and, to some extent, enjoy the original version. I did ask for feedback here. I doubt my ability to revise this story in ways that would address the concerns.

 

[dmallord]

Constructive Comments are Rare Make Use of Them!

Thanks for the suggestion, but at this stage I think revision and resubmission would be a disservice to the people who have already put in the time to read and, to some extent, enjoy the original version. I did ask for feedback here. I doubt my ability to revise this story in ways that would address the concerns.

++++

A couple of thoughts on your line of thinking.

I do not understand your thoughts that it would, some how, be a disservice to those who have already read and enjoyed the original version. It's not likely they are archiving this story for future rereading. If so, and they find a new and improved version, I would think it would be a refreshing read! It certainly would not be 'HOW DARE he make changes to MY story!' attitude that one would feel.

Second thought, now that you know about some of its weaknesses, are you not a little bit guilty that other new readers might not get your 'best foot forward' writings? Or just to cut you a little slack or throw you a life preserver, are you now committed to using the new found suggestions in future writings? I didn't detect that in your reply.

If not, then asking for commentary is rather 'unfruitful' both for you and those who 'put in the time' to make an effort in assisting your writing improvement(s).

 

[JuanSeiszFitzHall]

++++

A couple of thoughts on your line of thinking.

I do not understand your thoughts that it would, some how, be a disservice to those who have already read and enjoyed the original version. It's not likely they are archiving this story for future rereading. If so, and they find a new and improved version, I would think it would be a refreshing read! It certainly would not be 'HOW DARE he make changes to MY story!' attitude that one would feel.

Second thought, now that you know about some of its weaknesses, are you not a little bit guilty that other new readers might not get your 'best foot forward' writings? Or just to cut you a little slack or throw you a life preserver, are you now committed to using the new found suggestions in future writings? I didn't detect that in your reply.

If not, then asking for commentary is rather 'unfruitful' both for you and those who 'put in the time' to make an effort in assisting your writing improvement(s).

If you really want me to dwell on this, please send me a PM.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Having said that, I am not sure that length necessarily corollates with good chemistry. You noted this story, in your opinion, 'lacks any kind of conflict.' Length will not fix that.

Keep in mind that you're writing erotica, where an objective, presumably, is arousal. You need time to do that - unless you're a teenager mowing a lawn, where a two-stroke will do the job in three minutes.

Despite what some say, erotica is an art form where length can make a difference.