New Story - "Silken Banners"

[RichardWark]

Just mentioning in this thread that my new story was published today in Non-Erotic.

"Silken Banners: Part 1" is a multipart (5, to be exact) story about two children trying to navigate their friendship through Chicago in the 1960s. It employs the use of multiple narrators but the bulk of the story is seen through the eyes of Jerry, who is 5 years old as it begins. He and his neighbor Candie experience some of the benchmark events of the decade.

Feel free to read and comment.


Richard Wark
Wark2002

Silken Banners Part 1
https://www.literotica.com/s/silken-banners-pt-01

My other stories
https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=5430653&page=submissions

 

[XerXesXu]

Just mentioning in this thread that my new story was published today in Non-Erotic.

"Silken Banners: Part 1" is a multipart (5, to be exact) story about two children trying to navigate their friendship through Chicago in the 1960s. It employs the use of multiple narrators but the bulk of the story is seen through the eyes of Jerry, who is 5 years old as it begins. He and his neighbor Candie experience some of the benchmark events of the decade.

Feel free to read and comment.


Richard Wark
Wark2002

Silken Banners Part 1
https://www.literotica.com/s/silken-banners-pt-01

My other stories
https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=5430653&page=submissions

Your hook occurs after the first dingbat. I'd open with the hook:

'My mother and I were the last white people for several blocks around, having remained after the death of my father, who had passed before I had any consciousness of his existence. We lived on the South Side of Chicago, on Dorchester Street, in an area that had once been staunchly white and middle-class but had, in recent years, witnessed the exodus of its Caucasian faces.
I joke about this, making tasteless references about being called "Spot" because I was the only white kid on the block. During the time we lived there, I was never called anything but Jerry. But, we were rarely subjected to any kind of negativity. We were, plainly and simply, a part of the neighborhood.

###

I drove through the old neighborhood yesterday.
I don't know what I was thinking. All these years I had been planning this drive; all these years I had been thinking about this moment, but when it came to it, I couldn't even find the house. I'm not even certain I was on the right block. All I had to direct me were my recollections.
etc
###

My father had established a business -- a grocery store -- on nearby 67th Street, which my mother had taken over after his death. She had been in full agreement with her late husband: they had roots and a business in the area and were not about to move just because the complexion of the neighborhood had changed. Etc.'

I gave it 5*, I'm hooked after the first part, it shapes up as a really gripping story, it's filled with dramatic possibilities.

I wonder if you could carry a bit more through dialogue, which seems rather sparse, and itself diluted with narration.

 

[RichardWark]

Now, this is the perfect definition of constructive criticism. I thank you very much for that.

I had actually thought about where to place things; there is a really good point to the beginning you mentioned. I decided to start and end with Jerry's reflections, so it's really more a matter of balance. But your point is well-taken and if I ever do a rewrite, which is likely down the road, I will think hard about shuffling things down the road.

There is more dialogue and in-scene action in the upcoming sections, but the story is mostly reflective. I am not comparing this with a classic, but think of "Araby," one of the loveliest and most fragile stories ever, with its minimal dialogue couched into nostalgic narration. Having said that, if this is ever expanded to novel length, there certainly will be more dialogue.

Your comments are welcome and I thank you for them.