He said / she said: suggestions for sprucing up dialog?

[Djmac1031]

So I've only been writing my own stories for a few weeks now, and finding myself falling into certain ruts when it comes to writing dialog. I've been looking through forums here of course for suggestions and found some good articles so far. But looking for specific feedback and ideas on how to make dialog more interesting without a lot of he said/she said or he replied /she replied etc.

I've added descriptors of course, like "he said nervously " or "she replied cheerfully, " etc. I'm wondering if there's more I can do to add and expand on that to make my conversations flow better.

I also seem to fall into other repetitive traps; my characters tend to nod, wink or smile alot.

Am I overthinking it? Is it only repetitive to me because I'm writing it?

I suppose you could review what I've written so far and tell me what you think, if you're seeing a lot of repetitive things or if it varies enough to remain interesting and understandable.

Honest feedback and suggestions appreciated, as well as pointing me towards articles or threads that already cover this sort of thing.

Thanks in advance. I appreciate all help.

 

[KeithD]

I've added descriptors of course, like "he said nervously " or "she replied cheerfully, " etc. I'm wondering if there's more I can do to add and expand on that to make my conversations flow better.

You can do less rather than more of this to aid the flow. Some is unavoidable but it's considered weak to constantly have to tell a mood rather than show it in the action, character interaction, and the dialogue itself.

 

[SimonDoom]

I think it's easy to overthink dialogue. Authors get lots of quirky ideas in their heads.

My own personal thoughts:

1. The number one most important thing about dialogue is the dialogue itself, not the tags, not the adverbs, not the narrative. So focus most of your attention on what the characters are actually saying and less on everything else.

2. I generally like to put the dialogue first. "Cheers," she said. Rather than She said, "Cheers." It's not an inflexible rule, but I think it's better. Put the focus on the dialogue.

3. Keep it short. People do not talk in monologues, and if they do it's usually boring.

4. Use tags when you need to so it's clear who is talking. I find it very annoying when authors are so determined to avoid tags that I don't know who is speaking. If it's clear who is talking, don't use the tag.

5. Don't use adverbs too much. Instead, make it clear what the mood of the speaker is by using narrative, or, better yet, use the dialogue itself.

E.g.

He gave me a hard stare.

"You killed him, didn't you?"

Is better than

"You killed him, didn't you?" he asked, suspiciously.

6. This fits in with the basic idea that you should show, not tell, a principle that is mostly, but not always, true (almost no writing principle is always true).

7. Every word in dialogue, just like every word in the story, should serve the story's purpose, whatever that purpose. Eliminate unnecessary dialogue just as you would anything else in the story that is not necessary.

8. Make sure the person talks the way a person of that sort really would talk. A college professor probably would talk differently from the way an 18 year old would talk.

9. I'm a big believer in the idea of separating different speakers into different paragraphs. I think it reads much better, especially online. Don't cram multiple lines of dialogue into one paragraph.

10. Get the formatting right, and be consistent and careful. I am a fussy reader about this. Use commas with tags the right way. There are plenty of guides here about that. I pulled up one of your stories and noticed that your dialogue formatting is highly inconsistent. Sometimes you use commas correctly, and sometimes you do not. There's no reason for that. Make it consistent.

11. Most of the time, use he said/she said. Don't get cute. No "he expostulated" or stuff like that. The truth is that readers generally do not notice tags. They skip right over them. It may seem repetitive but real authors actually do use he said/she said a lot and nobody has punished them for it.

 

[NotWise]

So I've only been writing my own stories for a few weeks now, and finding myself falling into certain I've added descriptors of course, like "he said nervously " or "she replied cheerfully, " etc. I'm wondering if there's more I can do to add and expand on that to make my conversations flow better.

I also seem to fall into other repetitive traps; my characters tend to nod, wink or smile alot.

I avoid that. The common dialog tags (said, answered) are usually invisible to readers. If you add "cheerfully," or "with a nod," for instance, then you make them visible. Actions can be expressed without making them part of the tag. The tone might better be set in context, or by the content of the dialog.

Am I overthinking it? Is it only repetitive to me because I'm writing it?

It's may just be evident to you. Readers minds tend to skip over the common tags.

As KeithD suggested, less can be more. I've experimented quite a bit in the last year plus with reducing or eliminating dialog tags.

If you read through your story, and a dialog tag seems redundant or unnecessary, than you can just delete it. In a lot of cases you can use actions to focus the reader on the person who speaks next. for instance, "John bolted up from the table, and his chair clattered to the floor behind him. "She's my sister!" The action makes a tag unnecessary.

Tags are not without their purposes; aside from giving an attribution, they serve to control the pace and flow of a story. I learned from reader's comments about stories being jerky or not flowing that I went overboard removing tags. I think I've found a better balance with my most recent story. We'll see.

 

[oggbashan]

Don't bother. Most readers just skip the 'he said, she said' tags. Just try to keep them to a minimum to make sure the reader knows who is talking.

 

[lovecraft68]

You can use dialogue mixed with action

"I can't fucking believe this!" John swung his arms wildly while he paced the room.

 

[Djmac1031]

I really appreciate the advice and feedback so far, thanks.

 

[Djmac1031]

10. Get the formatting right, and be consistent and careful. I am a fussy reader about this. Use commas with tags the right way. There are plenty of guides here about that. I pulled up one of your stories and noticed that your dialogue formatting is highly inconsistent. Sometimes you use commas correctly, and sometimes you do not. There's no reason for that. Make it consistent.

I've definitely been working on that since my first couple of stories, hopefully you'll notice an improvement as I've gone on.

 

[ScrappyPaperDoodler]

The only thing I can add is that you shouldn’t get too hung up on this sort of thing when doing your first draft. This is something that’ll be much easier to fix when self-editing, as opposed to making adjustments on the fly. Rearranging and streamlining dialogue is a lot easier once everything is fleshed out.

Beyond that, I’m of the opinion that 'sound' should take priority in dialogue. You can achieve peak realism and perfectly replicate human speech without making it enjoyable for the reader. Fewer tags and a greater emphasis on rhythm (that isn’t necessarily there in the way 'real' people speak) will make it flow better. Readers will pick up on it the same way our brains pick up on music, making the tags and explanations unnecessary. You can then use the words themselves to indicate changes in mood by making changes to the metre.

That’s just an opinion though. You’ll know what works best for you as you write and write and write some more.

 

[SamScribble]

‘I've only been writing my own stories for a few weeks now …,’ you say, and then you start fretting about dialogue tags. Don’t. Just write the stories. The dialogue tags will take care of themselves.

Every competent writer has their own way of dealing with dialogue. Asking others how they do it might be interesting, but it is seldom useful.

As someone who has now been writing stories for something like 3,068 weeks, the one piece of advice I might offer is: try to remember that the dialogue belongs to the character. The moment that an author tries to slip in ‘he opined’ instead of ‘he said’, I tend to stop reading.

Now, get back to writing and stop fretting about things that will take care of themselves.

 

[LAHomedog]

I think one of the biggest mistakes that writers make is over-thinking the first draft. My first suggestion is stop thinking so much and just punch the keys.

Conversation does not occur in a narrative form. People do not necessarily listen to each other. People talk over each other when having a conversation. Most talk is not linear.

You've got to get into each characters head. What are they thinking, their feelings at the moment, the emotions, the motivation. What is the sub-text to how they are say and how they are acting.

If a character asks for a glass of water, why? Are they thirsty? Or they being polite? Do they need a moment to collect and gather themselves? Are they trying to distract themselves or someone else? The motivations are endless.

Finally, do you read your dialogue out loud to yourself? It can be very helpful.

Good luck.

 

[electric1]

Just say "said."

Using adverbs or substitutes for "said" distracts readers from the important information of what is said and who is saying it. Most adverbs that authors add are telling the reader things that are either unimportant or that should already be conveyed through the words spoken. (eg "How dare you!" she yelled angrily.)

For more, check out #8 on this list: https://www.literotica.com/s/9-steps-to-sexier-stories

 

[MetaBob]

So I've only been writing my own stories for a few weeks now, and finding myself falling into certain ruts when it comes to writing dialog. I've been looking through forums here of course for suggestions and found some good articles so far. But looking for specific feedback and ideas on how to make dialog more interesting without a lot of he said/she said or he replied /she replied etc.

I've added descriptors of course, like "he said nervously " or "she replied cheerfully, " etc. I'm wondering if there's more I can do to add and expand on that to make my conversations flow better.

I also seem to fall into other repetitive traps; my characters tend to nod, wink or smile alot.

Am I overthinking it? Is it only repetitive to me because I'm writing it?

I suppose you could review what I've written so far and tell me what you think, if you're seeing a lot of repetitive things or if it varies enough to remain interesting and understandable.

Honest feedback and suggestions appreciated, as well as pointing me towards articles or threads that already cover this sort of thing.

Thanks in advance. I appreciate all help.

Look up the following text on the web:
Elmore Leonard Ten Rules Barry Lopez

Here's what you'll find, but keep in mind that all his rules, and everyone else's rules, are made to be broken. But you owe it to your readers to know those rules, which a good writer will treat more like guidelines. Break them sparingly:

3. Never use a verb other than "said" to carry dialogue.
The line of dialogue belongs to the character; the verb is the writer sticking his nose in. But said is far less intrusive than grumbled, gasped, cautioned, lied. I once noticed Mary McCarthy ending a line of dialogue with "she asseverated," and had to stop reading to get the dictionary.

4. Never use an adverb to modify the verb "said" . . .
. . . he admonished gravely. To use an adverb this way (or almost any way) is a mortal sin. The writer is now exposing himself in earnest, using a word that distracts and can interrupt the rhythm of the exchange. I have a character in one of my books tell how she used to write historical romances "full of rape and adverbs."

Strive to remove "s/he said" dialog tags when it's clear which character is speaking. Do an editing pass with just this in mind. It's easy when there are only two characters in a scene, but it's not necessary to take every dialog tag out, just the unnecessary ones. Find a good book by a published writer you admire, and observe what they do.

I don't mind using a dialog tag besides "said" occasionally, by the way. "Asked" works, as does "whispered." I'm also not afraid to use "He gasped" rather than "he said, gasping," especially in a piece where people are having sex, but I hardly ever use adverbs in dialog tags.

From my The Dog Whisperer (~41K words), in which I use:
36 x "whispered"
17 x "gasped"
42 x "asked"
192 x "said"

Example 1:
"Hello, darling," she whispered. "Sleep well?"

Example 2:
"I want to be one of those women whose love of life radiates to everyone around her, who younger women envy."
"And younger men lust for."
She giggled. "Obviously."
"Well, I love being with you. Your radiant smile, your twinkling eyes, your laugh, your company, you warm my heart and delight my senses. You seem to be on the right track."

Example 3:
"Okay, maybe I'll let you cook for me. But Drew ... What. Do. You. Like?"
I sighed. "The steak with gorgonzola seems good."
She rolled her eyes. "Safe. Masculine. But what about me? I like seafood and pasta."
"Lamb medallions."
"Really?"
"Tender, juicy, flavorful, what's not to like? The only possible issue is that there might not be enough for a ... hungry girl like you."
Her smile was cockeyed. "Seafood or pasta. Order for me."
I smiled back. "Leftovers are never a bad thing."

Example 4, from John Steinbeck's Sweet Thursday, which I pulled from the shelf and opened to a random page. This is from a conversation between three people:
"She damn well better learn to shut up or she won't be no gold star," said Fauna. "That's a good idea about the horoscope. When's your birthday, Suzy?"
"February twenty-third."
"What time was you born?"
"God knows, but I think it was leap year."
Agnes said, "I bet she was born at night. I can always tell."

 

[Bramblethorn]

I've added descriptors of course, like "he said nervously " or "she replied cheerfully, " etc. I'm wondering if there's more I can do to add and expand on that to make my conversations flow better.

There's a place for that, but those -ly adverbs can be a trap for writers. They tempt you to "tell" things that would be better off shown in the actual dialogue.

When you talk to somebody IRL, you don't get a narrator explaining to you that their words are "nervous" or "cheerful" or whatever. You have to figure it out from how they're talking and from accompanying clues. Are they stammering, waving their hands, hunched over?

In my experience, dialogue usually works better if you can provide the readers with those same clues - "show, don't tell".

This isn't universal. Sometimes you just want to recap a conversation and it might be faster to sum up the tone with an adverb than to show that tone. But most of the time, I like to focus on showing mood through the content of the dialogue, and through those other clues like character actions (like LC suggested) rather than leaning too heavily on those -ly adverbs.

 

[Djmac1031]

Thank you for this. It really helped me in editing my latest story

 

[MillieDynamite]

I haven't done this for awhile, but incomplete sentences in dialog make for a better flow at times. It sounds more natural, "How you doing?" Joe said to the woman. The not to sublet nod of his head said more than his words.

 

[Kumquatqueen]

I tend to just write the dialogue, then later go through and check: is it obvious who is speaking? If not, add a 'X said'.

If it's unclear whether someone is saying the words in one way or another, add a descriptor or action to make it clear, or make the dialogue clearer.

Take out 90% of the accent/dialect I've put in, so it doesnt come across as overkill.

Keep reading out loud in my head. If the phrasing doesn't sound right, it needs changing.

 

[yowser]

Good advice here, emphasis on sparing, clear, not-showy.

Only thing I'll add is that sometimes a verb can do something significant (in a way that an adverb would be awkward.)

The phrase "I never said that!"

is vastly different if:

hissed
whispered
snarled
shouted

Best not to have too many of these in a story, but they can be effective and help create a 3-D scene.

 

[TadOverdon]

I also seem to fall into other repetitive traps; my characters tend to nod, wink or smile alot.

Mine also shrug, frown and chuckle far too frequently.

Why do characters in sex fiction smile and chuckle so goddamned much? I guess some of them have a lot to be pleased about.

 

[MelissaBaby]

Why do characters in sex fiction smile and chuckle so goddamned much? I guess some of them have a lot to be pleased about.

Yeah, that's kind of a rhetorical question, isn't it?

 

[MillieDynamite]

I find myself using "an evil grin," far to often a story.

 

[MelissaBaby]

There is a lot of good advice on this thread, and here is where I insert the standard "each person has to write in the way they are feel is right for them" comment.

This may open up a can of worms, but I was called out, gently, on this forum for using non-verbal dialogue tags.

"Because I don't know why I shouldn't," I shrugged.

And I read all the very helpful advice about it.

"I see your points," I nodded.

So, I went back to my writing, and after a few she said with a shrugs and a couple of he nodded and saids, I decided I didn't care about the non-verbal tags rule.

I certainly don't use them as much as I had been, but I do use them when I think other constructs sound clumsy or interrupt the flow of the conversation.

I understand the principle behind not using them, but I think it's based on outdated understanding of how people communicate. So, when you see me do it, yeah, I know I'm not supposed to, and yeah, I do it anyway.

 

[TadOverdon]

Repetitive vocab, if not dialogue: 51 uses of "seem," "seemed," or "seemingly" in a 50,000 word manuscript. That's got to be close to a lethal load. Feh!

 

[MillieDynamite]

There is a lot of good advice on this thread, and here is where I insert the standard "each person has to write in the way they are feel is right for them" comment.

This may open up a can of worms, but I was called out, gently, on this forum for using non-verbal dialogue tags.

"Because I don't know why I shouldn't," I shrugged.

And I read all the very helpful advice about it.

"I see your points," I nodded.

So, I went back to my writing, and after a few she said with a shrugs and a couple of he nodded and saids, I decided I didn't care about the non-verbal tags rule.

I certainly don't use them as much as I had been, but I do use them when I think other constructs sound clumsy or interrupt the flow of the conversation.

I understand the principle behind not using them, but I think it's based on outdated understanding of how people communicate. So, when you see me do it, yeah, I know I'm not supposed to, and yeah, I do it anyway.

With a nod and wink, I concur with Melissa without saying a word. Sometimes, spoken words get in the way.

 

[TadOverdon]

I haven't done this for awhile, but incomplete sentences in dialog make for a better flow at times. It sounds more natural,

This, too. Only people raised and living in Minnesota speak in complete and grammatically correct sentences in all conversation at all times. I've noticed.