One Night Stands and Relationship Probability?

[rdockk]

My wife had many one night stands as a single women in the late 80's. (I think it's quite hot.) She said she was looking for a relationship. I said most guys wouldn't consider a relationship with someone who has sex when they first meet. She said she's never heard such a thing. This blew me away because I thought it was a common viewpoint, at least from a guys perspective.

Is a guy less likely to start a relationship with a girl who has sex with him on first contact? I've thought this and heard it said before but maybe it's not as common a viewpoint as I think it is.

What do you think?

 

[RoryN]

My wife had many one night stands as a single women in the late 80's. (I think it's quite hot.) She said she was looking for a relationship. I said most guys wouldn't consider a relationship with someone who has sex when they first meet. She said she's never heard such a thing. This blew me away because I thought it was a common viewpoint, at least from a guys perspective.

You will occasionally still run into some of that sentiment from guys on the GB, but they have had failed marriages, and are cranks - like the ones they start their cars with!

But the rest of us got over that "virtue" crap decades ago.

 

[Biggs_Darklighter]

My wife had many one night stands as a single women in the late 80's. (I think it's quite hot.) She said she was looking for a relationship. I said most guys wouldn't consider a relationship with someone who has sex when they first meet. She said she's never heard such a thing. This blew me away because I thought it was a common viewpoint, at least from a guys perspective.

Is a guy less likely to start a relationship with a girl who has sex with him on first contact? I've thought this and heard it said before but maybe it's not as common a viewpoint as I think it is.

What do you think?

Hey man, I totally meant to call your mom the next day. I lost my phone and by the time I found it I remembered she was a whore.

 

[EnglishStud]

My wife had many one night stands as a single women in the late 80's. (I think it's quite hot.) She said she was looking for a relationship. I said most guys wouldn't consider a relationship with someone who has sex when they first meet. She said she's never heard such a thing. This blew me away because I thought it was a common viewpoint, at least from a guys perspective.

Is a guy less likely to start a relationship with a girl who has sex with him on first contact? I've thought this and heard it said before but maybe it's not as common a viewpoint as I think it is.

What do you think?

Sex is probably the most important thing in a relationship, so why beat about the bush? Get it on asap to see if you're compatible

 

[Escierto]

Love is a strange thing. You never know when or how it can happen. My girl and I got together for sex but after it was over, we both realized that we were in love. Was it the sex? I don’t think so. Somehow our chemistry together took control and there we were. That was two years ago and we are still in love.

 

[twister947]

Isn't this what adults do?

 

[hanban24]

I think that it is best to build a strong foundation to a relationship before sex. Too often sex becomes the focus once you’ve had it once. The weaker your foundation, the less likely it will succeed.

I am a big proponent of only sleeping with guys I’m dating. I don’t give it away on the first date, ever. I want to feel comfortable and safe with a guy before I allow him to experience that.

I have a large sexual appetite, but I want to set things up for success

 

[EnglishStud]

I think that it is best to build a strong foundation to a relationship before sex. Too often sex becomes the focus once you’ve had it once. The weaker your foundation, the less likely it will succeed.

I am a big proponent of only sleeping with guys I’m dating. I don’t give it away on the first date, ever. I want to feel comfortable and safe with a guy before I allow him to experience that.

I have a large sexual appetite, but I want to set things up for success

Get that. But what after attaining that comfort and trust you then establish he's crap in bed with a tiny twanger?...

 

[hanban24]

Get that. But what after attaining that comfort and trust you then establish he's crap in bed with a tiny twanger?...

I’ve been in committed relationships with guys who aren’t great in bed. Great sex isn’t the end all, be all. Sex to me is a lot more about connection anyway. I find that building a connection before sex actually makes sex better.

I’ve never broken up with a guy because the sex wasn’t my favorite. That’s a really shallow reason to break up with someone.

 

[SlutAddicted]

I think that people are not as homogenous as we imagine. Sexual purity is not a universal priority and there is no agreed upon standard of what is sufficiently pure.

To the extent that a man or woman prefers to build the relationship before having sex that is a perfectly legitimate approach. But it isn't a universally correct approach.

When I was growing up it seemed like we were constantly bombarded with trope's about what was or wasn't workable in terms of sex and relationships. The evidence to 'prove' these tropes was always anecdotal and based upon a presumed common set of priorities.

But as we mature I think that we realize that our views on a lot of this stuff is much more diverse.

The idea that if you have sex too quickly and then the relationship ends you will feel badly is contrived based upon the implied notion that having sex outside of a loving relationship is somehow wrong. If you drop that notion then there is no reason at all to associate anything negative with that sexual encounter.

The idea that sex distorts our emotions and makes it harder to make relationship decisions is the by-product of putting too much importance on it. Most intelligent people are able to distinguish between sex and love if they approach it objectively.

The idea that a woman who has had "too many" sexual encounters is somehow soiled or ruined is just a made up notion used to control women.

There is some anecdotal evidence to suggest that having one-night stands isn't the most effective way to seek a relationship because many of those guys aren't looking for a relationship. But I don't think it is fair to say that none of them are or that none of them would consider a relationship with a one-night stand.

In my experience when society feels the need to constantly tell us that everyone thinks X, it is a way of trying to force us to comply. And the only reason force is required is because it isn't true.

 

[Thotsferatu]

I’ve never broken up with a guy because the sex wasn’t my favorite. That’s a really shallow reason to break up with someone.

Oooh, idk if I can agree with that.

I’m definitely the sort to want to take my time, but sex is still really important (to those who are interested in sex, may not apply to gray/asexual couples). It’s part of the process of continued bonding and, as far as I’m concerned, that is *crucial* for longevity. The initial sparks and giddiness always fade, everyone gets older and doesn’t look as great as they did in their 20s, and sharing a life together can unearth lots of differences and things that irritate you about one another. So continuing to find ways to add back what time and familiarity can take away is so important.

Sex is a big part of that for most couples. That’s not to say that this only works if both people fuck like porn stars or are bedroom acrobats. But I think at LEAST enjoying each other’s bodies, sharing the same sexual interests or kinks, being able to establish a rhythm that is enjoyable for both during lovemaking — all of that is fundamental. And in my experience, there are just some people who can’t do it for me.

So there needs to be a balance. Compatibility has so many different axes — emotional, intellectual, lifestyle/habits/goals, sexual, probably a few others. Ignoring any one of them in favor of another is done at one’s own peril.

 

[Thotsferatu]

All that said, sexual “purity” is a bogus concept and belongs in the toilet. Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

 

[hanban24]

I think that people are not as homogenous as we imagine. Sexual purity is not a universal priority and there is no agreed upon standard of what is sufficiently pure.

To the extent that a man or woman prefers to build the relationship before having sex that is a perfectly legitimate approach. But it isn't a universally correct approach.

When I was growing up it seemed like we were constantly bombarded with trope's about what was or wasn't workable in terms of sex and relationships. The evidence to 'prove' these tropes was always anecdotal and based upon a presumed common set of priorities.

But as we mature I think that we realize that our views on a lot of this stuff is much more diverse.

The idea that if you have sex too quickly and then the relationship ends you will feel badly is contrived based upon the implied notion that having sex outside of a loving relationship is somehow wrong. If you drop that notion then there is no reason at all to associate anything negative with that sexual encounter.

The idea that sex distorts our emotions and makes it harder to make relationship decisions is the by-product of putting too much importance on it. Most intelligent people are able to distinguish between sex and love if they approach it objectively.

The idea that a woman who has had "too many" sexual encounters is somehow soiled or ruined is just a made up notion used to control women.

There is some anecdotal evidence to suggest that having one-night stands isn't the most effective way to seek a relationship because many of those guys aren't looking for a relationship. But I don't think it is fair to say that none of them are or that none of them would consider a relationship with a one-night stand.

In my experience when society feels the need to constantly tell us that everyone thinks X, it is a way of trying to force us to comply. And the only reason force is required is because it isn't true.

I agree and disagree. I agree that there are some outdated ways of thinking, but some things have some scientific evidence to support some things.

None of it is one size fits all. You could marry someone you have a one night stand with and be fine. Could marry someone you never slept with and it end in disaster. But some things help set you up for success better than others.

I’m a girl who has slept with my fair share of guys and I recognize that will bother some potential partners. Just is what it is.

 

[EnglishStud]

I’ve been in committed relationships with guys who aren’t great in bed. Great sex isn’t the end all, be all. Sex to me is a lot more about connection anyway. I find that building a connection before sex actually makes sex better.

I’ve never broken up with a guy because the sex wasn’t my favorite. That’s a really shallow reason to break up with someone.

Respect. I fact I'd quite like to shag you for a laugh, though you do seem somewhat earnest for a lunatic Limey as is myself

 

[hobbit.]

What do you think?

that for a first post its a load of bollocks.

 

[hanban24]

Respect. I fact I'd quite like to shag you for a laugh, though you do seem somewhat earnest for a lunatic Limey as is myself

You’re right, I’m not the type who is interested in being “shagged for a laugh”.

 

[SlutAddicted]

I agree and disagree. I agree that there are some outdated ways of thinking, but some things have some scientific evidence to support some things.

None of it is one size fits all. You could marry someone you have a one night stand with and be fine. Could marry someone you never slept with and it end in disaster. But some things help set you up for success better than others.

I’m a girl who has slept with my fair share of guys and I recognize that will bother some potential partners. Just is what it is.

I agree. However, I think that the things that help set you up for success in a relationship are at least partially unique to the circumstance and the individuals involved. We are better off when we take an honest and thorough view of ourselves and come to our own conclusions.

There are times when our thinking isn't very clear and the best route might be to stop and reflect or defer to the wisdom of others in the moment. But I can't imagine letting all of those simplistic tropes that are thrown at us guide my life.

 

[hanban24]

I agree. However, I think that the things that help set you up for success in a relationship are at least partially unique to the circumstance and the individuals involved. We are better off when we take an honest and thorough view of ourselves and come to our own conclusions.

There are times when our thinking isn't very clear and the best route might be to stop and reflect or defer to the wisdom of others in the moment. But I can't imagine letting all of those simplistic tropes that are thrown at us guide my life.

Yes you have to be true to yourself and your personality. I know many friends who don’t view things the way I do. But I’ve found my way has been more successful then when I tried the other way.

 

[policywank]

My wife had many one night stands as a single women in the late 80's. (I think it's quite hot.) She said she was looking for a relationship. I said most guys wouldn't consider a relationship with someone who has sex when they first meet. She said she's never heard such a thing. This blew me away because I thought it was a common viewpoint, at least from a guys perspective.

Is a guy less likely to start a relationship with a girl who has sex with him on first contact? I've thought this and heard it said before but maybe it's not as common a viewpoint as I think it is.

What do you think?

Some guys feel this way although I think the prevalence of this type of thought process is waning. I don't know if it qualifies as common but I would say it is not uncommon. How is that for verbal gymnastics?

Personally I was quite sexually experienced and active when I met my husband, but I did not put out on our first date. I don't recall there being anything deliberate or planned about that. I do understand from a woman's point of view that there are many reasons why she might want to wait. Meanwhile if a guy was inclined to judge me as not marriage worthy solely because I had sex with him on the first date, then I would say fuck him he is the one who isn't worthy of me.

 

[HUNGRYHOLLOW]

My wife had many one night stands as a single women in the late 80's. (I think it's quite hot.) She said she was looking for a relationship. I said most guys wouldn't consider a relationship with someone who has sex when they first meet. She said she's never heard such a thing. This blew me away because I thought it was a common viewpoint, at least from a guys perspective.

Is a guy less likely to start a relationship with a girl who has sex with him on first contact? I've thought this and heard it said before but maybe it's not as common a viewpoint as I think it is.

What do you think?

I married her

 

[FL30]

My wife had many one night stands as a single women in the late 80's. (I think it's quite hot.) She said she was looking for a relationship. I said most guys wouldn't consider a relationship with someone who has sex when they first meet. She said she's never heard such a thing. This blew me away because I thought it was a common viewpoint, at least from a guys perspective.

Is a guy less likely to start a relationship with a girl who has sex with him on first contact? I've thought this and heard it said before but maybe it's not as common a viewpoint as I think it is.

What do you think?

Old puritan societal norms

I think it all depends on the people involved and how they think about it