First story published!!

[BananaFlower]

Hi everyone

I just published my first story! Would love feedback.

To its credit, it is very short...and I hope it makes at least one person laugh other reactions are good too.

https://www.literotica.com/s/blessed-5

<3

 

[JuanSeiszFitzHall]

Sorry, you may not like this. Here's the upside: You write cleanly, at times evocatively, and I think you should keep writing.

For a long time (in such a short story) I had trouble working out that the narrator wasn't a present person, but omniscient. In the second paragraph, this passage:

<<They were all the same, one after the other, these gringas and their content, these gringas and their $400 backpacks.>>

--seems derisive, and written by someone who lives in this place. But there is nobody there to render this judgment on her.

None of the information about this maker of videos tells me why she decides to invite these men to have sex with her. Was there flirting in either direction because of the toucan? I didn't read that. The narrator seems to recount events without seeing any need to explain them.

Maybe I should disqualify myself. I'm not in touch with what has gone into the formation of the main character. Maybe 'Disney Channel stomach' is incisive, or hilarious, but to me it was just a string of (product placed?) words.

If you intended a trenchant commentary on first-world privilege, its co-opting of third-world authenticity, and the vapid pursuit of likes and downloads, you at least scratched the surface. But I was unable to connect any of that to the events of the story.

Then again, I'm just somebody hiding behind a phony name. If you choose to consider the source, the next line might convince you to dismiss my feedback.

https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=5116173&page=submissions

 

[MadeleineSinha]

I’m not one of the people that laughed at it I’m afraid.
On the positive side, it was grammatically correct, or I didn’t spot any obvious howlers, likewise the spelling.
The actual content however, I had issues with.

There’s no clear development of the story, no explanation of why the main character ends up having sex with these men or why they did what they did.
I was left with the feeling you had a series of lines you think are killers, and that you’d written something to drop these lines into, building the piece around them rather than allowing the characters to develop through the narrative, leaving the lines as the focus of the piece rather than your story or characters.
Too many of the paragraphs had one of these pre meditated lines that detracted from the development of the story rather than enhanced it.

It seemed a mean spirited piece, sneering at the main character with no expansion on why we should look at her as despicable, and reducing the supporting cast to body parts with no hints to their lifestyles or situation.
Overall I think there may be a story to tell in there but it needs a lot more development and expansion to make it worthwhile.

 

[JackBellend41]

I liked your story and think the previous posters were a little harsh, but when you ask for opinions expect criticism . I enjoyed your writing style and the description you used.

I will say that I’m glad it was short, because I ended up reading it twice as it took me to the end to figure out what exactly happened to whom. When you used “gringas” it made me think this was from the viewpoint of a native. Perhaps the ambiguity of who the story was about was intended, but I don’t think so. On the second read I enjoyed it more, as it was clearer in my mind.

I would encourage you to use an editor to give feedback. Grammatically it has very few if any flaws, but a second set of eyes is often helpful. I think moving your opening paragraph to be the third paragraph would have helped your story be much more clear.

All in all a great first effort . Keep it up and thank you for sharing.

 

[RoperTrace]

I liked your story and think the previous posters were a little harsh, but when you ask for opinions expect criticism . I enjoyed your writing style and the description you used.

I will say that I’m glad it was short, because I ended up reading it twice as it took me to the end to figure out what exactly happened to whom. When you used “gringas” it made me think this was from the viewpoint of a native. Perhaps the ambiguity of who the story was about was intended, but I don’t think so. On the second read I enjoyed it more, as it was clearer in my mind.

I would encourage you to use an editor to give feedback. Grammatically it has very few if any flaws, but a second set of eyes is often helpful. I think moving your opening paragraph to be the third paragraph would have helped your story be much more clear.

All in all a great first effort . Keep it up and thank you for sharing.

Have to agree with @JackBellend41, a good first effort. By the seventh short paragraph, it seems to be happening, and not sure why. Have to confess to not knowing the term, "hate scrolling", probably an age thing. Keep writing.

 

[lovecraft68]

Story reads as racist....written by someone looking to capitalize on the white guilt I hate my country and capitalism so bad I have to tweet my outrage all day crowd.

Told of course from the perspective of a 'diverse' person showing off all the contempt for the nasty American.

People are free to write as they wish, but the narrative you're pushing is 24/7 being battered into people's heads and many-including me-are tired of it. I like my smut politics free thank you.

As a positive, you're writing itself is solid, the narrator not being part of the story that someone else complained about didn't bother me, I saw it as the narrator being the attempt at humor

 

[AngstIgnored]

I’m apparently not alone, in that I hate it when a fiction author tries to push a political agenda on the reader. As someone just said, I get more than enough of that everywhere else in daily life, so I don’t need it served along with erotica as well. Whatever heat might be generated by a particular story is more than canceled out by the bully pulpit stuff.

 

[BananaFlower]

Thank you all for taking the time to write feedback, I really appreciate it!