New story 'Blind Date' just published

[MyWords2345]

https://www.literotica.com/s/blind-date-84

New story just published. Please read it if you have time.

I am looking for comments and constructive criticism in how to improve my story and writing.

I hope my story is entertaining.

Thank you for your time.

 

[AlinaX]

For one thing, people rarely use each other's names in dialogue except to get attention.
Avoid 'think to oneself' as a construct. It's redundant. We never think to anyone else.
Dialogue tagging really needs work, both grammar and rhythm, e.g.:

"Oh sorry," Tracy said, turning toward Jill. "I didn't hear you. What did you say?"

 

[MyWords2345]

For one thing, people rarely use each other's names in dialogue except to get attention.
Avoid 'think to oneself' as a construct. It's redundant. We never think to anyone else.
Dialogue tagging really needs work, both grammar and rhythm, e.g.:

"Oh sorry," Tracy said, turning toward Jill. "I didn't hear you. What did you say?"

Yes, I seemed to use the names too much. Thank you for pointing that out to me.

 

[sirhugs]

You start out nicely with dialogue driving the story, but then abandon the use of dialogue. Dialogue can not only really drive a story, real people talk during sex and seduction.

 

[enjoy_reading]

What are they saying

Yes, more dialogue would be good.

 

[MyWords2345]

You start out nicely with dialogue driving the story, but then abandon the use of dialogue. Dialogue can not only really drive a story, real people talk during sex and seduction.

I see your point.

What did Tracy say when she thought she was done, and John spread her legs again?

How did John reply to keep her going?

Defintely would make the story more interesting. Thanks for the suggestion both.

 

[MyWords2345]

Story plot

How was the sex play part of my story?

Was it entertaining to read the interplay between the two of them?

Too much, too little? Anything you would like to see?

Please leave a comment here or send me a PM if you like.

Thank you.

 

[MyWords2345]

What kind of errors ??

Some anonymous person dropped a comment about getting a better editor because there were too many errors left.

What kind of errors? I would like to know so I could learn from them.

Thank you.

 

[KeithD]

Some anonymous person dropped a comment about getting a better editor because there were too many errors left.

What kind of errors? I would like to know so I could learn from them.

Thank you.

Just took ten minutes to tool down a bit from the top of your story, with this result:

What's going on with you (comma) Tracy?" (direct address)

Jill thought a bit and then said (comma) "What a jerk!! (proper punctuation entry into a quoted passage)

"As a matter of fact (comma) I do. (long introductory clause)

Give me a few days to see what I can sort out. (comma, not period)" Jill said. (wrong punctuation)

Cheer up! I'll see you later. (comma, not period)" Jill said encouragingly

I need to move on. (comma, not period)" Tracy thought to herself.

"I have this friend (comma) John. (Set off with a comma unless John is her only friend.)

He is very interested in meeting you (comma) Tracy, so (direct address)