Encourage my wife to bring back her wild side

[Maimkye]

My wife has become a boring housewife/mother. I have tried to bring out her sexuality again and have not had any success. Things I have tried over the last 6 months

1. Bought sexy clothes
2. Bought sex toys
3. Invited her skinny dipping last night in our pool
4. Tried pointing out how great she looks and making her feel better about herself.

She has been bi in the past and we had a pretty good sex life. It is almost like she just isn't interested in anything anymore and it is starting to really impact how I feel.

Thoughts?

 

[TarnishedPenny]

Not trying to judge, but have you told her that you love her?

Women generally need that more than men.

 

[Maimkye]

Everyday and sometimes twice.

 

[HordHolm]

My wife has become a boring housewife/mother. I have tried to bring out her sexuality again and have not had any success. Things I have tried over the last 6 months

1. Bought sexy clothes
2. Bought sex toys
3. Invited her skinny dipping last night in our pool
4. Tried pointing out how great she looks and making her feel better about herself.

She has been bi in the past and we had a pretty good sex life. It is almost like she just isn't interested in anything anymore and it is starting to really impact how I feel.

Thoughts?

Try talking directly to her about it if you haven't already. From what you've posted I'd suggest there's a high probability that she's worn out. Maybe you could share the domestic load a bit more and that might help (if you don't already, that is - I must admit I'm speculating given that there is minimal info here).

Also remember, there's a pandemic going on and it's having some wide ranging effects; one which has been noted is a loss of sex drive amongst many people.

Lastly, people change over time. She may once have been a bouncing love bunny, she may now have simply have different priorities and desires.

But whatever the reason (and there are others I haven't mentioned, or probably even thought about), you won't know unless you ask her. Do it with sensitivity, and don't make it about you.

 

[Maimkye]

Thanks for the response. I get everything you are saying. I definitely carry in the domestic workload where I can. When I ask her what's going on and tell her how I am feeling I get the "nothing, you are making a big deal out of something that isn't there" routine. I guess it is probably the change in life hit her quicker than me. I am just not sure if I can accept it for what it is then.

 

[KatieDoes]

I have a high sex drive, a wild side, a fun filled slutty past, and hopefully a slutty future.

During the years when my kid was younger, I was exhausted. Being a mother is incredibly demanding, and there are days (weeks? months?) where I was so over touched, over done, over tired, and worn down, that the absolute last thing I needed was yet another person wanting something from me.

At times, my husbands advances (which sound much like your attempts) felt like yet another chore being added to my endless chore list.

What would have helped? Nothing that you’re going to think is sexy, unfortunately. Don’t become another task on her list of tasks to cross off.

Instead, do more of the other tasks. Take the kids out for the day. Keep the kids so she can go out with her friends for coffee or a drink. After dinner, bring her a glass of wine and tell her to go relax while you clean up and get the kids into bed.

Pay attention to all of the things that she does every day, and start doing more of them.

The absolute, positive, LAST thing a woman that has spent her entire day providing for others wants to hear as she’s finally able to relax and drift off, is someone else asking ‘but what about me?’ You can have the most amazing, magical penis in the world, but if she’s spent all fucking day with kids calling her, touching her, clinging to her, endless chores, tasks, messes, meals, spills, cries, interruptions, etc… you pouting about your dick is going to be repulsive.

Also: she’s not a vending machine. Don’t take the kids for a few hours and expect your parade and dick sucking to commence as soon as you get back. Think long term. Make her life easier, so she has time to want sex. It’s not a transaction, where if you put in a day of effort, her legs pop open. It might, and will probably, take an extended effort on your part.

 

[MadeleineSinha]

I have a high sex drive, a wild side, a fun filled slutty past, and hopefully a slutty future.

During the years when my kid was younger, I was exhausted. Being a mother is incredibly demanding, and there are days (weeks? months?) where I was so over touched, over done, over tired, and worn down, that the absolute last thing I needed was yet another person wanting something from me.

At times, my husbands advances (which sound much like your attempts) felt like yet another chore being added to my endless chore list.

What would have helped? Nothing that you’re going to think is sexy, unfortunately. Don’t become another task on her list of tasks to cross off.

Instead, do more of the other tasks. Take the kids out for the day. Keep the kids so she can go out with her friends for coffee or a drink. After dinner, bring her a glass of wine and tell her to go relax while you clean up and get the kids into bed.

Pay attention to all of the things that she does every day, and start doing more of them.

The absolute, positive, LAST thing a woman that has spent her entire day providing for others wants to hear as she’s finally able to relax and drift off, is someone else asking ‘but what about me?’ You can have the most amazing, magical penis in the world, but if she’s spent all fucking day with kids calling her, touching her, clinging to her, endless chores, tasks, messes, meals, spills, cries, interruptions, etc… you pouting about your dick is going to be repulsive.

Also: she’s not a vending machine. Don’t take the kids for a few hours and expect your parade and dick sucking to commence as soon as you get back. Think long term. Make her life easier, so she has time to want sex. It’s not a transaction, where if you put in a day of effort, her legs pop open. It might, and will probably, take an extended effort on your part.

And That is why we need a "like" button round here.

 

[IsItBad]

good luck

My wife has become a boring housewife/mother. I have tried to bring out her sexuality again and have not had any success. Things I have tried over the last 6 months

1. Bought sexy clothes
2. Bought sex toys
3. Invited her skinny dipping last night in our pool
4. Tried pointing out how great she looks and making her feel better about herself.

She has been bi in the past and we had a pretty good sex life. It is almost like she just isn't interested in anything anymore and it is starting to really impact how I feel.

Thoughts?

good luck my friend
mine turned off like a faucet many years ago
tons of great sex from inception and then one day........not so much
i tried everything known to man, written about, heard about or remotely possible
zero effect

and yes, i told her i love her at least a million times and do

zero

zilch

nada

 

[twister947]

Sexual interest is not a matter of will...we cannot decide to do these things; the interest is there, or it is not. It has nothing to do with love or affection.

And too, I think in the early stages when we are trying to attract a mate, we may try to be something we aren't. Most of the time that's not sustainable.

 

[Maimkye]

A lot of great we'll thought out responses. That is everyone. I have to say that I definitely do my fair share of stuff. Typically when she gets the chance to relax she doesn't take it and gets involved in something she doesn't need to do. I feel like it is a little bit OCD at times. Just for an example, the other day I took the kids out for mini golf and ice cream. Turns out that instead of relaxing, she organized the storage room in the basement. Something that didnt need to be done. (She told me she was going to read by the pool).

Maybe I am just overblowing it all and maybe this is just our new normal. I am just not ready to accept it

 

[HordHolm]

I have a high sex drive, a wild side, a fun filled slutty past, and hopefully a slutty future.

During the years when my kid was younger, I was exhausted. Being a mother is incredibly demanding, and there are days (weeks? months?) where I was so over touched, over done, over tired, and worn down, that the absolute last thing I needed was yet another person wanting something from me.

At times, my husbands advances (which sound much like your attempts) felt like yet another chore being added to my endless chore list.

What would have helped? Nothing that you’re going to think is sexy, unfortunately. Don’t become another task on her list of tasks to cross off.

Instead, do more of the other tasks. Take the kids out for the day. Keep the kids so she can go out with her friends for coffee or a drink. After dinner, bring her a glass of wine and tell her to go relax while you clean up and get the kids into bed.

Pay attention to all of the things that she does every day, and start doing more of them.

The absolute, positive, LAST thing a woman that has spent her entire day providing for others wants to hear as she’s finally able to relax and drift off, is someone else asking ‘but what about me?’ You can have the most amazing, magical penis in the world, but if she’s spent all fucking day with kids calling her, touching her, clinging to her, endless chores, tasks, messes, meals, spills, cries, interruptions, etc… you pouting about your dick is going to be repulsive.

Also: she’s not a vending machine. Don’t take the kids for a few hours and expect your parade and dick sucking to commence as soon as you get back. Think long term. Make her life easier, so she has time to want sex. It’s not a transaction, where if you put in a day of effort, her legs pop open. It might, and will probably, take an extended effort on your part.

Thanks for putting it much better than I did. My daughter is 4 now and we're still working through general tiredness, chores, work, pandemic, finances, etc to try and make time, somehow, for a crazy wild sex life. What you describe is very much where my wife is, and I made sure to be a partner, not a drag, from day one (didn't always get it right, of course, and still don't) but it's still a journey not a day trip.

 

[IrisAlthea]

A lot of great we'll thought out responses. That is everyone. I have to say that I definitely do my fair share of stuff. Typically when she gets the chance to relax she doesn't take it and gets involved in something she doesn't need to do. I feel like it is a little bit OCD at times. Just for an example, the other day I took the kids out for mini golf and ice cream. Turns out that instead of relaxing, she organized the storage room in the basement. Something that didnt need to be done. (She told me she was going to read by the pool).

Maybe I am just overblowing it all and maybe this is just our new normal. I am just not ready to accept it

Perhaps that storage room has been getting on her nerves for a long time? Does she have a long list of projects she feels need to be done? Can you look at it together and take joint responsibility for it, not just doing it but planning and deciding how and when too?

Many of us tend to aim for perfection. Perhaps she was being the perfect sexkitten fiancé before and now she is aiming for perfect wife and mother?
Maybe ask her what she feels is expected of her in this new part of your life together and where those expectations come from? Are there things she feels would be inappropriate now and if so, where does that idea come from?

Are you able to get away for a weekend together without kids and relax together without much expectations beyond connecting as a couple?

 

[TheUKGirl1]

Strange, she never mentions that to me!

Have you told her you love her, as I hope you do? Over and over again.

 

[HordHolm]

Thing is, though, I do understand the OP. By and large we're all responding with reasoned advice about what his wife might be feeling, how to try to communicate with her or lighten her load, and how to understand her headspace. And all of that is important, valid, or more cynically, simply good self-interested tactics for him to absorb.

But there are also his feelings to consider and if, as he says, his wife's attitude when he brings it up is, to paraphrase, 'why are you getting your knickers in a bunch?', then I can totally understand why he might want to assess where he is in a relationship which isn't delivering what it used to. That's not to say that his wife should lie back and think of wherever just to keep him onboard, but his feelings really are as valid as hers in this, and just as he should make the effort to understand and support her so she should, just perhaps, accord him the same consideration.

 

[littlecordelera]

My wife has become a boring housewife/mother. I have tried to bring out her sexuality again and have not had any success. Things I have tried over the last 6 months

1. Bought sexy clothes
2. Bought sex toys
3. Invited her skinny dipping last night in our pool
4. Tried pointing out how great she looks and making her feel better about herself.

She has been bi in the past and we had a pretty good sex life. It is almost like she just isn't interested in anything anymore and it is starting to really impact how I feel.

Thoughts?

You are focused on sex. That's understandable. That makes you a normal guy. But to get to the root of this problem, you will need to shift your focus to your wife's well-being. For whatever reason, she is not happy. My guess would be exactly what KatieDoes wrote, but it could be other things, like hormonal issues or just an overall dissatisfaction with life.

Whatever it is, you and she chose to share life together, so happiness is a joint effort. But right now she is not happy. Forget sex for now. The lack of it is only a symptom of some larger problem. Direct your efforts toward sharing a happy life together. Be concerned with her well-being, because it is in your own best interest. Be patient, be empathetic, and be prepared to hear some things that you may not want to hear.

I wish you the best of luck, but if you are committed to your marriage, it will work out.

 

[feeng]

I have a high sex drive, a wild side, a fun filled slutty past, and hopefully a slutty future.

During the years when my kid was younger, I was exhausted. Being a mother is incredibly demanding, and there are days (weeks? months?) where I was so over touched, over done, over tired, and worn down, that the absolute last thing I needed was yet another person wanting something from me.

At times, my husbands advances (which sound much like your attempts) felt like yet another chore being added to my endless chore list.

What would have helped? Nothing that you’re going to think is sexy, unfortunately. Don’t become another task on her list of tasks to cross off.

Instead, do more of the other tasks. Take the kids out for the day. Keep the kids so she can go out with her friends for coffee or a drink. After dinner, bring her a glass of wine and tell her to go relax while you clean up and get the kids into bed.

Pay attention to all of the things that she does every day, and start doing more of them.

The absolute, positive, LAST thing a woman that has spent her entire day providing for others wants to hear as she’s finally able to relax and drift off, is someone else asking ‘but what about me?’ You can have the most amazing, magical penis in the world, but if she’s spent all fucking day with kids calling her, touching her, clinging to her, endless chores, tasks, messes, meals, spills, cries, interruptions, etc… you pouting about your dick is going to be repulsive.

Also: she’s not a vending machine. Don’t take the kids for a few hours and expect your parade and dick sucking to commence as soon as you get back. Think long term. Make her life easier, so she has time to want sex. It’s not a transaction, where if you put in a day of effort, her legs pop open. It might, and will probably, take an extended effort on your part.

Thank you Katidoes , spot on ! My wife has gone through menopause and as a result her interest in sex has dwindled. But that's Ok, we love each other and can get through anything. We do have sex and when we do she is responsive and gets noticeably excited . I always make sure her needs are taken care of before mine. We are have been pretty much connected at the hip now for 3 plus years now and we recently had a conversation where she said she needs some space. Not a problem I started going out and bowling if you can believe it a couple day a week ( we are both retired ). It's not just that I give her space, but she appreciates my effort even more I think. She has been trying to write a book for years, and just never seems to get to it. Now she has taken up the writing again and she couldn't be more excited about it, and I for her. Guess my point is that we are in this together whatever she needs I am willing and able to adjust to. It's not just about me it's about US ! Sex will happen , at a slower pace, and that's OK When we have sex it's very good , when we don't life is still pretty great with her at my side. I'm all in Kind of got off track there . Thank you katidoes Enjoy

 

[PapaDan]

My wife has become a boring housewife/mother. I have tried to bring out her sexuality again and have not had any success. Things I have tried over the last 6 months

1. Bought sexy clothes
2. Bought sex toys
3. Invited her skinny dipping last night in our pool
4. Tried pointing out how great she looks and making her feel better about herself.

She has been bi in the past and we had a pretty good sex life. It is almost like she just isn't interested in anything anymore and it is starting to really impact how I feel.

Thoughts?

Get a babysitter and take her on a date like you did when you first met her. Just because she is a housewife and mother now, doesn't mean she doesn't need the same kind of attention you gave her when you and she were single and dating. It's normal for a parent to change old habits when they start a family, so take her on dates, and create a secret life her kids don't know anything about. You don't have to try and find some secret way to inspire her, just take her on dates and have fun. In time, she will go back to her old habits in secret.

 

[RoperTrace]

My wife has become a boring housewife/mother. I have tried to bring out her sexuality again and have not had any success. Things I have tried over the last 6 months

1. Bought sexy clothes
2. Bought sex toys
3. Invited her skinny dipping last night in our pool
4. Tried pointing out how great she looks and making her feel better about herself.

She has been bi in the past and we had a pretty good sex life. It is almost like she just isn't interested in anything anymore and it is starting to really impact how I feel.

Thoughts?

Besides being over tired and/or worn out, it may be something related to her health. Over the last six months, you've focused on sexy clothes, toys, swimming in the buff, and pointing out her looks. Has she expressed something negative about her appearance?

Six months while raising children, is time-wise a very short amount of time. Assuming there's still some form of affection between you. If not, then it may be more permanent. Trying to get her to talk about it, may be counter-productive at bedtime.

Maybe focus on some hobby, or self-improvement project to develop some skill that gives you some satisfaction. Take the pressure off the relationship, just be a good partner. If it's still there, it will come back, or not. Sorry this can't be more positive.

 

[KatieDoes]

Thank you Katidoes , spot on ! My wife has gone through menopause and as a result her interest in sex has dwindled. But that's Ok, we love each other and can get through anything. We do have sex and when we do she is responsive and gets noticeably excited . I always make sure her needs are taken care of before mine. We are have been pretty much connected at the hip now for 3 plus years now and we recently had a conversation where she said she needs some space. Not a problem I started going out and bowling if you can believe it a couple day a week ( we are both retired ). It's not just that I give her space, but she appreciates my effort even more I think. She has been trying to write a book for years, and just never seems to get to it. Now she has taken up the writing again and she couldn't be more excited about it, and I for her. Guess my point is that we are in this together whatever she needs I am willing and able to adjust to. It's not just about me it's about US ! Sex will happen , at a slower pace, and that's OK When we have sex it's very good , when we don't life is still pretty great with her at my side. I'm all in Kind of got off track there . Thank you katidoes Enjoy

THIS is a very sweet post, and a perspective many husbands could learn from. I wish you and your lucky wife all the best!

 

[IsItBad]

My wife has become a boring housewife/mother. I have tried to bring out her sexuality again and have not had any success. Things I have tried over the last 6 months

1. Bought sexy clothes
2. Bought sex toys
3. Invited her skinny dipping last night in our pool
4. Tried pointing out how great she looks and making her feel better about herself.

She has been bi in the past and we had a pretty good sex life. It is almost like she just isn't interested in anything anymore and it is starting to really impact how I feel.

Thoughts?

good luck. im sure i represent a large group of husbands who are in the same boat. the best hope is probably in drugs.....maybe specifically ask her to speak to her doctor about her lack of libido......maybe there is a simple chemical imbalance answer.....or maybe there are some blocking beliefs she has.....shes too fat, you dont look at her like you want her any more, shes too out of shape, yall are too old, old people dont fuck, etc etc etc......all these defeating thoughts we can harbor that screw up our entire mindset about sex (and about a million other things).......if its not a physical situation, though, its an uphill battle.....sadly, for alot of people - sex was never that gratifying to start with.....and they never really enjoyed it.....they have had zero fantasy life....and are glad to feel they have reached a point where they are no longer REQUIRED to have sex......and for those, it is very hard to illicit any form of sexual response to much of anything...

 

[emme8]

good luck. im sure i represent a large group of husbands who are in the same boat. the best hope is probably in drugs.....maybe specifically ask her to speak to her doctor about her lack of libido......maybe there is a simple chemical imbalance answer...

This is an old thread, but I'll put in my 2 cents anyway.

Unfortunately the cause could be drugs...
A lot of medications decrease the libido. A wife could talk to her doctors about changing but if they are working she may not want to change.

Be grateful for everything you have, enjoy Rosy Palm.

 

[hanban24]

My wife has become a boring housewife/mother. I have tried to bring out her sexuality again and have not had any success. Things I have tried over the last 6 months

1. Bought sexy clothes
2. Bought sex toys
3. Invited her skinny dipping last night in our pool
4. Tried pointing out how great she looks and making her feel better about herself.

She has been bi in the past and we had a pretty good sex life. It is almost like she just isn't interested in anything anymore and it is starting to really impact how I feel.

Thoughts?

Women go through more ebbs and flows with sex drive than guys. I’ve seen some of my friends who got married and became mothers go through the same thing. They’ve said they are just too worn out of that their hormones just aren’t raging like they used to. Couple of older mom friends from work have said that they’ve had theirs rebound after a while. Just depends on the person. You can try talking to her about it, but it may just be a situation where your drives won’t match up like they used to.

 

[rthnck]

You can do everything recommended here and it will make no difference. I've watched my own sex life dwindle to what I would describe as "adequate enough to keep me from straying". Take on all the home tasks you want, shower her with love, give her space, give her time. Makes no difference. Our libidos are going in opposite directions. She appears to enjoy sex but I truly believe at this point it's just an activity that she has to do to keep the marriage going. Not a great state of affairs and now after a decade of trying, we're in a terrible place (to me). I'm growing more resentful, she's oblivious to my discontent, I don't want to try anymore which helps support her lack of interest. Instead of her making the effort, it would appear that I have to be satisfied with "adequate".

 

[curioustxn]

My wife has become a boring housewife/mother. I have tried to bring out her sexuality again and have not had any success. Things I have tried over the last 6 months

1. Bought sexy clothes
2. Bought sex toys
3. Invited her skinny dipping last night in our pool
4. Tried pointing out how great she looks and making her feel better about herself.

She has been bi in the past and we had a pretty good sex life. It is almost like she just isn't interested in anything anymore and it is starting to really impact how I feel.

Thoughts?

Maybe her problem is dietary. Hormones, including those that cause arousal depend on proper nutrition, and the processed food we eat today is sometimes lacking in the vitamins and minerals we need. Might be something to look into.

 

[NightL]

Has this one been pushed over to HowTo...? How did I miss this?

@Maimkye are you divorced yet? A year ago it seemed you were willing to try anything but listen.