Feedback requested - Lesbian story

[LaRascasse]

Hi there,

So I recently completed 10 years on Lit and wrote a story for the occasion. I was hoping for some feedback regarding the story - the plot and characters mainly and if it's worth continuing.

https://www.literotica.com/s/kosovo-syndrome

 

[yowser]

I made my way through your hefty story. It is ambitious, complex and has several virtues – writing mechanics well above Lit average, excellent pacing through the first two-thirds of the tale, a controlled plot and an appealing protagonist.

But you asked for feedback (I will not be as gushing as those who have commented on your story, you certainly captured a lot of admiration there…):

Like 95% of Lit stories (mine included) it would improve dramatically with some paring. I bet you could cut it by a third, not only not diminishing the story arc, but improving suspense and tension. There is far too much overworking Marija and Anja’s character traits. Readers will ‘get it’ with a lot less repetition.

The first scene doesn’t work for me, and it is key to the rest of the story. The ‘door’ is a car door and it is not until much later that this detail is revealed. I know you are leveraging the ambiguity of the scene, creating interest and suspense, but it is unsatisfying. (Even in the later scene I am confused – car door gets wrenched open, was Heather huddled on the floor of the car? Sitting calmly with a smoke while chaos ensues outside? There were windows to see out of, the gun wouldn’t have been a surprise, etc.)

While mostly well handled, your female pronouns get tangled up sometimes (a difficulty with any same-sex erotic stories). She, hers, which one are you talking about? One subject is off-kilter: ‘Her and the more hot-headed among the soldiers threatened to go on an all-out rampage.’

Pop culture references are often out of place or confusing (Mark Calaway? ‘She's doing the right thing, Wren. She doesn't get to be Mel Gibson from Braveheart just because they want her to.’)

Way, way too many adverbs: ‘sardonically, uniquely, obscenely, invitingly, patiently, audibly, comfortingly, utterly’ these just in a short stretch of text.

The story feels like it gets bogged down about 2/3rds of the way through. Cannot exactly account for how and why it slows, but it is noticeable.

Cliche dept: too many orders 'barked'. ‘stared daggers at the other woman’ ‘full realisation of what had happened hit her like a freight train.’ There are plenty more.

Sex is good, you capture desire and the excitement of physical contact well, not overdrawn except at a couple points: ‘Heather's most sensitive parts sent currents of pleasures flowing all the way to the farthest reaches of her nervous system.’

This must have taken a good deal of work, you should be pleased with the result, and the reactions of readers.

 

[LaRascasse]

I made my way through your hefty story. It is ambitious, complex and has several virtues – writing mechanics well above Lit average, excellent pacing through the first two-thirds of the tale, a controlled plot and an appealing protagonist.

But you asked for feedback (I will not be as gushing as those who have commented on your story, you certainly captured a lot of admiration there…):

Like 95% of Lit stories (mine included) it would improve dramatically with some paring. I bet you could cut it by a third, not only not diminishing the story arc, but improving suspense and tension. There is far too much overworking Marija and Anja’s character traits. Readers will ‘get it’ with a lot less repetition.

The first scene doesn’t work for me, and it is key to the rest of the story. The ‘door’ is a car door and it is not until much later that this detail is revealed. I know you are leveraging the ambiguity of the scene, creating interest and suspense, but it is unsatisfying. (Even in the later scene I am confused – car door gets wrenched open, was Heather huddled on the floor of the car? Sitting calmly with a smoke while chaos ensues outside? There were windows to see out of, the gun wouldn’t have been a surprise, etc.)

While mostly well handled, your female pronouns get tangled up sometimes (a difficulty with any same-sex erotic stories). She, hers, which one are you talking about? One subject is off-kilter: ‘Her and the more hot-headed among the soldiers threatened to go on an all-out rampage.’

Pop culture references are often out of place or confusing (Mark Calaway? ‘She's doing the right thing, Wren. She doesn't get to be Mel Gibson from Braveheart just because they want her to.’)

Way, way too many adverbs: ‘sardonically, uniquely, obscenely, invitingly, patiently, audibly, comfortingly, utterly’ these just in a short stretch of text.

The story feels like it gets bogged down about 2/3rds of the way through. Cannot exactly account for how and why it slows, but it is noticeable.

Cliche dept: too many orders 'barked'. ‘stared daggers at the other woman’ ‘full realisation of what had happened hit her like a freight train.’ There are plenty more.

Sex is good, you capture desire and the excitement of physical contact well, not overdrawn except at a couple points: ‘Heather's most sensitive parts sent currents of pleasures flowing all the way to the farthest reaches of her nervous system.’

This must have taken a good deal of work, you should be pleased with the result, and the reactions of readers.

Thanks for the detailed response. I always welcome constructive criticism.

You are unfortunately correct about the "roughness" of the story after the halfway mark. I had made a point I was going to write at least one page every day, muse or no muse. That led to a few scenes in between the "big stuff" having to be forced out. Moreover, I did have an eye on my self-imposed deadline of having the story up by 1st July.

I've submitted the edit to clean up a few things you mentioned (such as door vs car door) and some small parts which I felt needed rewording.

Pronouns are a nightmare in any same-sex story written in the third person. It is what it is, sadly.

I debated on the usage of pop culture references, but I wanted to give my story a time and place and it seemed the easiest way to do it. I don't expect all the readers to understand all of them, but hopefully enough do and it makes them chuckle. As a reader, personally, I love pop culture references in fiction.

I think most of the points you have mentioned come down to individual reader preference. I write stories in a way that I, the reader, would like to read them or wish others would write them. Many of your points are valid and taken on board, I'm still mostly happy with my stylistic choices, even if I agree that I could have edited some flab away to make it tighter and less repetitive.

Thanks, again, for your insightful comments and fair criticism.

 

[LaRascasse]

I put in an edit to clean up a few scenes and improve some word choices if someone wants to give it a whirl.