A Night with Ava Devine and Vaniity - My first story.

[StevieWright]

Hello all!

I've lurked here for years and finally joined.

I've posted my first story and would love any feedback. I've always enjoyed writing and want to improve with each story.

The below is based on a dream I had (sadly it's entirely fictional ).

http://https://literotica.com/s/a-night-with-vaniity-and-ava-devine

Thanks in advance!

 

[NotWise]

Hello all!

I've lurked here for years and finally joined.

I've posted my first story and would love any feedback. I've always enjoyed writing and want to improve with each story.

The below is based on a dream I had (sadly it's entirely fictional ).

http://https://literotica.com/s/a-night-with-vaniity-and-ava-devine

Thanks in advance!

Your link is broken. I think you need to get rid of the leading "http://"

 

[StevieWright]

Thank you! Just one of the many mistakes I'll make on these boards I'm sure. Appreciate the heads up!

 

[NotWise]

Thank you! Just one of the many mistakes I'll make on these boards I'm sure. Appreciate the heads up!

Here's the corrected link.

A Night with Vanity and Ava Devine (T&CD).

 

[StevieWright]

That's awesome. Thank you again.

 

[NotWise]

I read into the beginning of your story. I can't give you the kind of feedback you probably want because it isn't my thing, so I'll go lite.

You're writing is competent. You describe actions and events well. I'd prefer it if you depended more on dialog to tell a story, but that's just me. Really, that's just my thing.

Vanity and Ava Devine are professional performers. To me that explains why you didn't do more to develop their characters. I don't know, but could that have implications for the site's rules on celebrity stories?

 

[StevieWright]

I'll take that on board thank you.

I take your point about not describing the two of them that much. Working on another about two fictional individuals so I'll definitely pay more attention to that.

Thanks again.

 

[Wifetheif]

I'll take that on board thank you.

I take your point about not describing the two of them that much. Working on another about two fictional individuals so I'll definitely pay more attention to that.

Thanks again.

I want to echo those sentiments. I was lost because I am completely unfamiliar with the porn stars in question. In light of that, it wasn't bad but a bit more dialogue would have helped. Have you considered an in-media res opening? Starting with a line of dialog or incident in the middle and letting the reader back-fill information as they progress. You might have started with guys having a mundane conversation in a bar about pornos or baseball or anything really when your porn star walks in and your protagonist says, "Guys, do you know who just walked in?" Then you can explain about who the porn star is in an organic matter and then have your ordinary Joe wheedle a meeting with him and go from there. Maybe one of the buddies can say, "I bet you don't have the balls to talk to him," everybody else groans at the joke, but you get up from your chair...