Sexless Marriages

[barefootgirl69]

Only 1 of us (in my marriage) is not having sex, 1 guess who that is. We have an open marriage, she just neglected to tell me about it. I refuse to cheat so therefore there is bugger all sex for me.

^^^ been there.

 

[gabesdadd]

It's a dark, lonely road no matter which one you go down - stay faithful and allow the frustration to brew inside of you (and it does start changing you, impacting your relationship) or to find sexual fulfillment elsewhere. I followed the latter path and found myself seeking out sex just for the sake of sex, hook ups, cheap thrills, whatever I could find. It was cathartic, I won't deny that, but it did leave eventually a deeper and darker hole. Ultimately I was made to realize that what I craved wasn't sex but intimacy and the kinds of women I was hooking up with weren't providing that.

I did finally find a unicorn, a young lady who forced me to rethink and reevaluate my needs, who I could be intimate with and have amazing sex with. While we were together, and I know many may not fully appreciate this, but I also felt my relationship with my wife improved as I know longer felt the bitter sting of her cold shoulder. I could curl up with another and just cuddle all day (regretfully not that often) but it made it so much easier to cope with the home situation.

She finally went her own way, but I stopped my meaningless flings after her. Sadly I haven't had sex since then and that was 3 years ago now. If I were to find another like her I may jump at the opportunity, though quite honestly it would be nearly impossible these days given my living/work situation.

I know it isn't for everyone and it the potential of being caught is there, but that might not be such a bad thing - sometimes we need a reckoning...

As LustScribe said, I almost wish she was having her own affair - not to justify mine, but to know that she does actually have a sexual self. I think she deserves that and can accept that it isn't with me...

I once told her to fuck around on me to show she is not an ice queen. Even offered to create a Tinder account for her.

 

[LustyScribe]

^^^ been there.

To me, at that point, it's over. If I was holding out on her, and she cheated, I'd figure that would be fair. But when I've talked & talked & offered to go to or pay for counseling, bought self-help books for her that she suggested (I'm the only one that read them) and still had to go without, yeah, that would be the straw that broke the camel's back.

 

[Jonjonjohnson]

To me, at that point, it's over. If I was holding out on her, and she cheated, I'd figure that would be fair. But when I've talked & talked & offered to go to or pay for counseling, bought self-help books for her that she suggested (I'm the only one that read them) and still had to go without, yeah, that would be the straw that broke the camel's back.

For us it is over, but there is waaaaaaay too much money at stake and she is not walking off with her side boy and taking half my business with her.

 

[Bud_Spencer]

Certainly not going to downplay the value of sex just for the sake of sex; hell, there are days I'd screw a rabid rattlesnake if I could get a good grip. And a good, clean professional? Wow!

But it doesn't replace the connection of a strong relationship, and losing that...sucks. Especially when there is no more evident reason than "I don't want you anymore." Might as well just dig a hole & bury your ego; it's shot.

Loveless sex is like alcohol-free beer: It merely goes through the motions. Sure, it relieves a mechanical need, but I think it actually magnifies the underlying need for love and shared affection. Imagine eating causing one's hunger to deepen and you have a good parallel to loveless sex.

We all want the same thing. Why are we doing this to ourselves?

 

[LustyScribe]

For us it is over, but there is waaaaaaay too much money at stake and she is not walking off with her side boy and taking half my business with her.

I can respect that. Divorce can be a ridiculous, illogical bloodbath, even when one person is obviously culpable for destroying the relationship.

 

[Lost_Yonder]

I once told her to fuck around on me to show she is not an ice queen. Even offered to create a Tinder account for her.

I'm assuming she rejected your offer???

I can't imagine my wife would, but sure wish she would have an affair...

 

[gabesdadd]

I'm assuming she rejected your offer???

I can't imagine my wife would, but sure wish she would have an affair...

Yes rejected very quickly.

Lately I’ve been sending her porn gif’s via text and email. She is not happy. So I sent her a Facebook screenshot asking her if that turned the heater up a little.

 

[KarenLess]

I once told her to fuck around on me to show she is not an ice queen. Even offered to create a Tinder account for her.

My husband told me to go fuck someone else when he couldn't keep up, so I did.

Let's just say THAT did not go over well when he found out.

It was a trap!

 

[tutaka]

don't have a partner but no sex in 12 + years

I would like to say that finding people that have gone years without sex, should be comforting to find I am not alone. But it isn't. I am single and have been for 12 years, and that was the last time I had sex. My desire to find a forever love is strong and my urges for sex is as strong as it ever was. I just checked out after my last relationship. Now I am back among the living and looking.

 

[gabesdadd]

My husband told me to go fuck someone else when he couldn't keep up, so I did.

Let's just say THAT did not go over well when he found out.

It was a trap!

He told you to. He shouldn’t have gotten mad.

Tonight I suggested we get away for a weekend without the kids and should have known the response. Any ideas to thaw out the ice queen?

 

[Rachelilly]

My hubby works out of town for two weeks at a time.im highly aroused so i fuck with men from outside of here.
m☺

 

[LustyScribe]

He told you to. He shouldn’t have gotten mad.

Tonight I suggested we get away for a weekend without the kids and should have known the response. Any ideas to thaw out the ice queen?

Something I have considered for a long time, but have not done, is to take her to a nice dinner in a respectable place and ask her at the end, "Why do you not want to be married to me anymore?" Then see what her response is. If she seems flabbergasted by the question, just explain that marriage generally involves intimacy between husband and wife. Since she seems to find that thought abhorrent, you figured she just didn't want to be married to you anymore. If, however, she just sits there and stares her food for a moment, then that probably means she considers your marriage over. Either way, I think it might be better to know the truth then continued to live the LIE. That may be why I have not asked her that question yet. Not sure if the truth would be too painful.

 

[LustyScribe]

My hubby works out of town for two weeks at a time.im highly aroused so i fuck with men from outside of here.
m☺

So when he is home, do you have sex with him?

 

[Cherry_Brandy]

Something I have considered for a long time, but have not done, is to take her to a nice dinner in a respectable place and ask her at the end, "Why do you not want to be married to me anymore?" Then see what her response is. If she seems flabbergasted by the question, just explain that marriage generally involves intimacy between husband and wife. Since she seems to find that thought abhorrent, you figured she just didn't want to be married to you anymore. If, however, she just sits there and stares her food for a moment, then that probably means she considers your marriage over. Either way, I think it might be better to know the truth then continued to live the LIE. That may be why I have not asked her that question yet. Not sure if the truth would be too painful.

Even that wouldn't wouldn't be enough for some men (women too?) to give up on a marriage. The thought of the unknown, or the known and 'cba starting again at my age' seems to kick in.

I wonder how many people in this situation, if they had a windfall, would make the move or would they just find a non financial reason to stay?

 

[KimGordon67]

Even that wouldn't wouldn't be enough for some men (women too?) to give up on a marriage. The thought of the unknown, or the known and 'cba starting again at my age' seems to kick in.

I wonder how many people in this situation, if they had a windfall, would make the move or would they just find a non financial reason to stay?

Yes ... something I often think when reading these posts. I have a pretty low tolerance for being unhappy - I'll just do something to fix it if at all possible. I separated from my husband three years ago because we just weren't happy - we still really like each other, but the marriage wasn't working. We spent a year between making the decision and actually separating getting everything in order so that the actual separation would be as painless as possible, and I bought my own house in a new town. (And before anyone asks, yes, there is a kid involved - he was the absolute centre of every decision we made.) There were no lawyers involved at all, so it never got acrimonious - we just split the money down the middle, made two lists of the property that looked pretty even, and I pay child support based on a calculation that we both agreed to.
Was it difficult? Yes. But it was a lot easier than being unhappy for another ten or twenty years.

Also, 'starting again' has been mostly pretty good. I'm very happy living alone, and I've had some super fun dates, and a lot of really great sex. Currently seeing one guy regularly, and in the process of seeing if I like another one (who's further away) enough to actually meet up with him.

 

[Cherry_Brandy]

Yes ... something I often think when reading these posts. I have a pretty low tolerance for being unhappy - I'll just do something to fix it if at all possible. I separated from my husband three years ago because we just weren't happy - we still really like each other, but the marriage wasn't working. We spent a year between making the decision and actually separating getting everything in order so that the actual separation would be as painless as possible, and I bought my own house in a new town. (And before anyone asks, yes, there is a kid involved - he was the absolute centre of every decision we made.) There were no lawyers involved at all, so it never got acrimonious - we just split the money down the middle, made two lists of the property that looked pretty even, and I pay child support based on a calculation that we both agreed to.
Was it difficult? Yes. But it was a lot easier than being unhappy for another ten or twenty years.

Maybe it's a woman thing, maybe the 'unknown' isn't as daunting as the possibility of 20 or 30 years of waking up to yet another day of misery. I'm sure solicitors and the manufacturers of Prozac are the only ones benefitting from the complexities of divorce.

I know far more women who initiate a divorce than men.

 

[KimGordon67]

Maybe it's a woman thing, maybe the 'unknown' isn't as daunting as the possibility of 20 or 30 years of waking up to yet another day of misery. I'm sure solicitors and the manufacturers of Prozac are the only ones benefitting from the complexities of divorce.

I know far more women who initiate a divorce than men.

I think we both came to the same conclusion pretty simultaneously.
He now has a girlfriend who's 20 years younger than him ... but they don't live together either. I think the thing we both took away from our situation was that we prefer to live on our own.

 

[threequel]

I separated from my husband three years ago because we just weren't happy - we still really like each other, but the marriage wasn't working.

Thanks for sharing this. Was it just lack of sex/passion that was the catalyst?
I'm currently in a wonderful relationship but have been fairly despondent that I'm just not feeling the spark anymore.

 

[KimGordon67]

Thanks for sharing this. Was it just lack of sex/passion that was the catalyst?
I'm currently in a wonderful relationship but have been fairly despondent that I'm just not feeling the spark anymore.

We 'drifted apart' with the sex - I was wanting things that weren't really in his repertoire. We both tried to make that work, but it just didn't. But there were other things - we argued a lot, mostly, about ridiculous things. We always argued, but it got to the point where the arguing took up more space than the fun. We still argue a bit, but we actually do have more fun now that we're not together. (But no sex - that's totally off the table.)

 

[threequel]

We 'drifted apart' with the sex - I was wanting things that weren't really in his repertoire. We both tried to make that work, but it just didn't. But there were other things - we argued a lot, mostly, about ridiculous things. We always argued, but it got to the point where the arguing took up more space than the fun. We still argue a bit, but we actually do have more fun now that we're not together. (But no sex - that's totally off the table.)

Sounds like a positive outcome, ultimately.
My partner & I have so much fun still, but not knowing if my desire for her will come back is awful.
Thanks for responding!

 

[KimGordon67]

Sounds like a positive outcome, ultimately.
My partner & I have so much fun still, but not knowing if my desire for her will come back is awful.
Thanks for responding!

I think we're both happier, and we still give each other a lot of support. I'm definitely poorer financially - we both are. But I'd rather be a bit broke and happy.

 

[threequel]

I think we're both happier, and we still give each other a lot of support. I'm definitely poorer financially - we both are. But I'd rather be a bit broke and happy.

Good to hear! Whatever happens with my situation, I know we'll always want the best for each other.

PS, thanks for Sugar Cane, it's been a favourite song of mine for nearly 30 years (although I'm guessing that's not the real Kim!)

 

[KimGordon67]

Good to hear! Whatever happens with my situation, I know we'll always want the best for each other.

PS, thanks for Sugar Cane, it's been a favourite song of mine for nearly 30 years (although I'm guessing that's not the real Kim!)

Lol. I suspect actual Kim Gordon has better things to do than hanging out in dodgy corners of the interweb

 

[threequel]

Lol. I suspect actual Kim Gordon has better things to do than hanging out in dodgy corners of the interweb

Well, don't we all? But I'll still check in here for her just in case!