Feedback wanted

[Jasmineray]

Hi, I’m new here!

I’m here to hone my writing skills and become a better writer. I posted a story few days ago, and I would like some constructive criticisms. Thank you!

https://www.literotica.com/s/crushing-on-my-sister-s-boyfriend

 

[lovecraft68]

Gave this a read, and in general its a pretty good first effort. Couple of typos, but nothing too jarring.

As for the story itself, mixed feelings.

In the first part I liked the way you portrayed the jealousy and angst between siblings in the all too common dynamic of one being a favorite whether the parents see that or not. I thought that was well done.

Her having a crush on the boyfriend and liking him being around again had a very natural feel to it, something believable that happens all the time in real life.

her reaction to watching him and the sister have sex was well done.

Now from there....

Its obvious where the story was going-and you will most likely get some shitty comments for the sister willing to sleep with her sister's BF and him being a cheat on the sister, some people don't realize these are made up stories...

So I was okay with that, but what turned me off was his demeanor. He went full 'dom' on her, but more than that, he was crude, callous, and treated her poorly. I know you wrote it that she enjoyed it, but it broke then mood of the story for me.

Had you not described his smile and charm and easy manner as much, i might not have been so jarring, but it was like he went Jekyll and Hyde on her.

Now, not that it can't happen...many people can sucker you in with charm and flip to being d-bags. But the whole story I was rooting for the sister to be treated the way she deserved, and he treats her like a dog...making her crawl, calling her a bitch drinking while she's going down on him, an ultimate dick move.

That has its place, but not after you had us sympathize with her and want her to have some fun.

Also, sorry but I know you don't say an age, but I don't see James as being too much older than the MC and no boy that age can act or speak that way

And, unless I missed something, the sister went to make a call...but James says "your sister will return tomorrow" and again, who speaks like that?

So first half 5 second half took me out of the story and if the entire thing was like that I wouldn't have finished.

But keep in mind these are my opinions and I'm not trying to discourage you. We all have preferences and tastes.

But from one author to another, consistency is important and you had a nice set up for neglected sis gets what she wanted(and a little revenge on bitchy sis) and the guy all but wipes his dick off on her and calls her a cum dumpster...it was two different stories to me.

But please keep writing because you have good potential and there are readers for everything here. Good choice on category, wouldn't really fit anywhere else.

Even though I didn't like the end. I voted a five for the effort and parts I liked.

 

[dadadadiox]

If you're truly interested in improving your writing with feedback from readers, LIT is not your best option. Critique Circle or Scribeophile are excellent communities designed for that purpose. They're not for erotic writing, so you'll have to decide if it's your writing you want to improve or your 'erotic' writing you want to work on. If it's the latter, I don't know of a site that's set up for specifically that purpose.

 

[lovecraft68]

If you're truly interested in improving your writing with feedback from readers, LIT is not your best option. Critique Circle or Scribeophile are excellent communities designed for that purpose. They're not for erotic writing, so you'll have to decide if it's your writing you want to improve or your 'erotic' writing you want to work on. If it's the latter, I don't know of a site that's set up for specifically that purpose.

You kind of make the argument for this site. I'm not sure of another place where you can ask for feedback on not just erotica, but hardcore and often niche fetishes and kinks.

 

[SyleusSnow]

If you're truly interested in improving your writing with feedback from readers, LIT is not your best option. Critique Circle or Scribeophile are excellent communities designed for that purpose. They're not for erotic writing, so you'll have to decide if it's your writing you want to improve or your 'erotic' writing you want to work on. If it's the latter, I don't know of a site that's set up for specifically that purpose.

I've received excellent, insightful and thoughtful commentary on my stories here, and have seen great feedback on other's stories.

Check out the ongoing AwkwardMD review thread, for example.

Most folks here aren't professional writers, editors or critics like you might find elsewhere, but there are some very experienced and capable erotica authors here willing to share their honest observations.

 

[suestevenson143]

I thought they were good stories