im new here have a sneaker fetish my story got rejected please read and help

[darkhunter7070]

Cody and Jenna had been friends for over 20 years and have been neighbors. Cody always wanted Jenna and they both endured numerous relationships but he could never get the courage to ask her out. Jenna is about 5'5 auburn hair resembles anna kendrick athletic body. Cody is 6 4 somewhat fit short blonde hair. One morning Cody as he was leaving his house for work and locking his door. He froze there she was running her athletic body sprinting like a gazelle her auburn hair in a ponytail her perfect c cup breasts outlined in her tank top black leggings hugging her strong legs and a fresh pair of nike frees green and blue on her beautiful feet. The logo reflected.off the sun and suddenly he was snapped back to reality
"Hi Cody!!" she smiled as she ran by. "Hey Jenna!" he replied. "Hey hold up a minute he said" she stopped panting a little. He approached her shyly admiring her goddess like body and her fresh new sneakers. "Whats up?" she said. "Wellll ummm" looking down Johns having a party tonight and i was wondering if youd go w meee? He clenched his legs trying to not get erect, she grinned. "Sure what the hell she said buttt". He tensed up looking at her gorgeous green.eyes "tell me one thing,whats that party goin on in your pants?" The color drained from his face he looked down he had a full erection. "Dont be shy weve been friends a long time. Do you.like my new sneakers?" Blushing he muttered yes very muchhhh. She paused and then smiled. "Do you.like girls in nikes? Do you have a fetish? He finally spoke "Yes, i didnt know if i should tell you.I didnt wanna weird you out and weve been friends... "Stop" she said smiling "Its ok we are cool. "Do u.mind if i run in your house and grab water?" No he said not at all. As she walks to his door his mind races and thinks how he would give anything to make her sneakers covered in his cum. He unlocks the door and she walks to the kitchen. "Where are your glasses?" First cabinet.on the right he yells. He walks in the kitchen and there she stands lips wrapped around the glass sweaty and flush. She smiles and says "here have some water" and hands it to him. He finishes and she looks at him. "Come here". He walks to her as her piercing green eyes watch and bites her lip grinning. "Soooo my buddy has a sneaker fetish ehh?" She runs the toe of her sneaker on his leggg. Watching his clothed cock swelll. "Somebodys happyy.." Codys face beet red " she grabs his hand and leads him to the living room shoving him on the couch."What are you doing?" he asks "Ive always noticed you looking at my feet when we talk." Smiling "I have a sneaker fetish too and always wore them to see your reaction". He smiles big and she begins to kiss him full mouth with tongue then pulls back. Before he could say what she places her foot on his cock." "Unzip now!!" I want you to run your cock on my shoe. He obliges releasing his throbbing member, feeling the mesh against his tip. She continues to smile as he strokes faster cum filling his cock and then begins to shoot warm ropes on top of the sneaker. She grins big as he exhales. She leans in kisses him hard and whispers "Good Boy" see you tonight. Leaving him on the couch spent he watches her leave and hears the door close. Could this be sneaker love he wondered?

To be continued

 

[AlinaX]

1. What was the rejection message?
2. Blank lines between paragraphs, please!
3. In the forum here, no more than three paragraphs of a story, as a general rule.
4. Category?
5. Pretty sure Anna Kendrick deserves capital letters.
6. Grammar!

 

[jaF0]

Geeezzzeee where to begin?

 

[mynameisben]

Darkhunter,

Your story sample has too many errors to address in this forum. Your best bet is to find yourself an editor, and have them do a thorough cleanup of your writing for you. You may also consider investing in grammar and spell checking software, but I really think your writing is in need of the personal touch that only a living, breathing editor can provide you.


Ben

 

[SimonDoom]

You're not going to get past the Site owner's review unless you clean this up, a lot.

Some things I noticed immediately:

1. You constantly shift tenses -- past tense, present tense, etc. You have to be consistent.

2. Sentence no. 5 is not a sentence. It's a fragment.

3. If you submitted it in this form, you have no paragraphs. You have a solid block of text. You must use paragraphs.

4. Your passage has multiple run-on sentences.

5. There are more punctuation errors than I can point to and identify. You are missing many apostrophes and commas.

I recommend getting an editor. I also recommend taking some time to review other stories at this Site and seeing how people do things. There are some "How To" articles about grammar issues.

 

[KeithD]

Not mentioned, I don't think, but the first line of "unaccepted," if this is the whole story, is that it's too short. An entry must be a minimum of 750 words. This is only 620 words.

 

[AlphaLyon]

Possible reasons for rejection

Here are some reasons your story was probably rejected:
- tense switching
- lack of proper punctuation
- lack of proper grammar
- lack of proper spelling
- lack of proper formatting
- lack of proper knowledge of basic human anatomy (spoiler: a penis does not "fill with cum". it's a dick, not an éclair.)

Advice:
- develop your characters beyond expositional descriptors
- don't write like you're frantically typing with one hand while diddling yourself with the other
- read the FAQs on how to improve your writing

After doing these things on your own, then get an editor. As someone who edits for others here, if someone gave me a "story" like this, I would reject working on it due to lack of effort on the part of the author. If the author can't be bothered to try, I sure as heck can't get invested.

 

[SimonDoom]

After doing these things on your own, then get an editor. As someone who edits for others here, if someone gave me a "story" like this, I would reject working on it due to lack of effort on the part of the author. If the author can't be bothered to try, I sure as heck can't get invested.

This is good, fair advice. It's fair for a potential editor to expect that the author will do the author's best effort to produce a decent story, and the author will take it from there. It's extremely frustrating as an editor to work with a draft that is sloppy because the author has made no effort to conform the writing to the most basic standards of grammar and punctuation.

 

[LAHomedog]

Cody and Jenna had been friends for over 20 years and have been neighbors. Cody always wanted Jenna and they both endured numerous relationships but he could never get the courage to ask her out. Jenna is about 5'5 auburn hair resembles anna kendrick athletic body. Cody is 6 4 somewhat fit short blonde hair. One morning Cody as he was leaving his house for work and locking his door. He froze there she was running her athletic body sprinting like a gazelle her auburn hair in a ponytail her perfect c cup breasts outlined in her tank top black leggings hugging her strong legs and a fresh pair of nike frees green and blue on her beautiful feet. The logo reflected.off the sun and suddenly he was snapped back to reality
"Hi Cody!!" she smiled as she ran by. "Hey Jenna!" he replied. "Hey hold up a minute he said" she stopped panting a little. He approached her shyly admiring her goddess like body and her fresh new sneakers. "Whats up?" she said. "Wellll ummm" looking down Johns having a party tonight and i was wondering if youd go w meee? He clenched his legs trying to not get erect, she grinned. "Sure what the hell she said buttt". He tensed up looking at her gorgeous green.eyes "tell me one thing,whats that party goin on in your pants?" The color drained from his face he looked down he had a full erection. "Dont be shy weve been friends a long time. Do you.like my new sneakers?" Blushing he muttered yes very muchhhh. She paused and then smiled. "Do you.like girls in nikes? Do you have a fetish? He finally spoke "Yes, i didnt know if i should tell you.I didnt wanna weird you out and weve been friends... "Stop" she said smiling "Its ok we are cool. "Do u.mind if i run in your house and grab water?" No he said not at all. As she walks to his door his mind races and thinks how he would give anything to make her sneakers covered in his cum. He unlocks the door and she walks to the kitchen. "Where are your glasses?" First cabinet.on the right he yells. He walks in the kitchen and there she stands lips wrapped around the glass sweaty and flush. She smiles and says "here have some water" and hands it to him. He finishes and she looks at him. "Come here". He walks to her as her piercing green eyes watch and bites her lip grinning. "Soooo my buddy has a sneaker fetish ehh?" She runs the toe of her sneaker on his leggg. Watching his clothed cock swelll. "Somebodys happyy.." Codys face beet red " she grabs his hand and leads him to the living room shoving him on the couch."What are you doing?" he asks "Ive always noticed you looking at my feet when we talk." Smiling "I have a sneaker fetish too and always wore them to see your reaction". He smiles big and she begins to kiss him full mouth with tongue then pulls back. Before he could say what she places her foot on his cock." "Unzip now!!" I want you to run your cock on my shoe. He obliges releasing his throbbing member, feeling the mesh against his tip. She continues to smile as he strokes faster cum filling his cock and then begins to shoot warm ropes on top of the sneaker. She grins big as he exhales. She leans in kisses him hard and whispers "Good Boy" see you tonight. Leaving him on the couch spent he watches her leave and hears the door close. Could this be sneaker love he wondered?

To be continued

I am not asking this to be nasty or insulting, but as a serious question: Are you writing in English as a 2nd language?

I had someone who was writing in English as a 2nd language send me a story all messed up like this and ask me to be the editor. I suggested he find someone who was native to his language and an English translator. I think he did that. Do you need that?

 

[Wifetheif]

Cody and Jenna had been friends for over 20 years and have been neighbors. Cody always wanted Jenna and they both endured numerous relationships but he could never get the courage to ask her out. Jenna is about 5'5 auburn hair resembles anna kendrick athletic body. Cody is 6 4 somewhat fit short blonde hair. One morning Cody as he was leaving his house for work and locking his door. He froze there she was running her athletic body sprinting like a gazelle her auburn hair in a ponytail her perfect c cup breasts outlined in her tank top black leggings hugging her strong legs and a fresh pair of nike frees green and blue on her beautiful feet. The logo reflected.off the sun and suddenly he was snapped back to reality
"Hi Cody!!" she smiled as she ran by. "Hey Jenna!" he replied. "Hey hold up a minute he said" she stopped panting a little. He approached her shyly admiring her goddess like body and her fresh new sneakers. "Whats up?" she said. "Wellll ummm" looking down Johns having a party tonight and i was wondering if youd go w meee? He clenched his legs trying to not get erect, she grinned. "Sure what the hell she said buttt". He tensed up looking at her gorgeous green.eyes "tell me one thing,whats that party goin on in your pants?" The color drained from his face he looked down he had a full erection. "Dont be shy weve been friends a long time. Do you.like my new sneakers?" Blushing he muttered yes very muchhhh. She paused and then smiled. "Do you.like girls in nikes? Do you have a fetish? He finally spoke "Yes, i didnt know if i should tell you.I didnt wanna weird you out and weve been friends... "Stop" she said smiling "Its ok we are cool. "Do u.mind if i run in your house and grab water?" No he said not at all. As she walks to his door his mind races and thinks how he would give anything to make her sneakers covered in his cum. He unlocks the door and she walks to the kitchen. "Where are your glasses?" First cabinet.on the right he yells. He walks in the kitchen and there she stands lips wrapped around the glass sweaty and flush. She smiles and says "here have some water" and hands it to him. He finishes and she looks at him. "Come here". He walks to her as her piercing green eyes watch and bites her lip grinning. "Soooo my buddy has a sneaker fetish ehh?" She runs the toe of her sneaker on his leggg. Watching his clothed cock swelll. "Somebodys happyy.." Codys face beet red " she grabs his hand and leads him to the living room shoving him on the couch."What are you doing?" he asks "Ive always noticed you looking at my feet when we talk." Smiling "I have a sneaker fetish too and always wore them to see your reaction". He smiles big and she begins to kiss him full mouth with tongue then pulls back. Before he could say what she places her foot on his cock." "Unzip now!!" I want you to run your cock on my shoe. He obliges releasing his throbbing member, feeling the mesh against his tip. She continues to smile as he strokes faster cum filling his cock and then begins to shoot warm ropes on top of the sneaker. She grins big as he exhales. She leans in kisses him hard and whispers "Good Boy" see you tonight. Leaving him on the couch spent he watches her leave and hears the door close. Could this be sneaker love he wondered?

To be continued

I think the others have covered most of the bases. A basic English style guide (you can find some online) would give you a good place to start. For example, spelling out "twenty" rather than writing "20." Usually, one writes out numbers short of one hundred. You also need help in plot development and setting a scene. Does your protagonist know where or when he developed a sneaker fetish? That might make a great backstory, especially if it was something like his older sister's best friend was a basketball player, and one day she got changed after practice at his house and he happened to stumble across her freshly removed sneakers. From that moment on the scent of sneakers, especially those worn by women have filled his mind with images of his older sister's friend and similarly unobtainable females. From there, it followed him throughout his life, until he finally became honest with himself and embraced his fetish. Most fetishes do not come into being full-bore, there is a triggering moment and then scarcely noticed follow-up events. People are complex. Fetishes are complex. Even a seemingly "simple" story might have deep roots.

-- Hope this helps.

 

[XerXesXu]

I make your story 617 words, the minimum number for publication is 750.

Also it's written as 2 paragraphs, 10 lines and 32 lines. The maximum paragraph length on here isn't specified, but seems to be about 8 to 10 lines. Make 2 line paragraph spaces to break it down into paragraphs which are easy on the eye on screen reading devices. Every time someone speaks put the speech and attribution(he said) in a separate paragraph - this will break it up nicely.

That may get you published, I've never tested the limits of what stylistic and spelling errors Lit tolerates, though it seems to be pretty free wheeling.

Your writing style is like an informal spoken conversation bordering on stream of consciousness at times. Some people frequently speak like that, many don't. Many would find it uneducated and react to it. You need to conform to broadly accepted norms when you put things into writing because you (usually) are trying to please as many people as possible.

Even where you have used formal punctuation you've used it inconsistently. Try and be consistent.

Mixing past and present tense is common in telling a tale, orally, to friends, it's not usually considered appropriate in narrative (as opposed to dialogue - words which are being spoken.) Keep your tense consistent in narration (the bits which stick dialogue together and move things along.)

There must be a few shoe fetish stories on here. Enjoy reading them and take note of how they deal with punctuation etc. and copy.

 

[AlphaLyon]

Your writing style is like an informal spoken conversation bordering on stream of consciousness at times.

Now you have me wanting to read erotica as written by Faulkner or Joyce.

If I'd receive a text like this to look at, I would go through the first couple of paragraphs to clean things up, explain what I've done and why, and only then I would send it back.

You're a better person than me. I wouldn't even know where to begin since there's so much to unpack here. Even if this was an ESL situation, structure and formatting are (mostly) universal.

 

[jaF0]

I wouldn't even know where to begin ...

That's what I said. Even just the thread title told me what was inside.

When seeking help, you at least have to show that you're trying. If you don't normally speak or type in English, it helps to state that.

 

[Zeb_Carter]

At just a glance...

All I see is a wall of text.
It's too short which others have mentioned.
Finally, a lot of misspellings/typos.

To get the space between paragraphs you will have to hit enter twice. And if you are using MS Word or Open Office or Libre Office you will need to setup how a paragraph works. I have several posts laying around that explain that.

 

[gunhilltrain]

This is a slightly different issue, but you may want to explore this guy's interest in sneakers and why this girl gives herself to him so readily. I fact she seems to have her own shoe fetish going.

You may not be able to explain his fetish completely because fetishes resist easy explanations. Was he born with it or did it result from one of his earlier experiences? The point is that it will give you a topic to write about that should easily surpass 750 words, It actually may wind up quite a bit beyond that length.

Two people who meet who share the same fetish (is that true here?) is also an interesting topic. There is a lot to explore here if you know what to look for.

 

[AlphaLyon]

The story behind the story is more interesting!

Who's ready to go down a rabbit hole with me?
So I did a simple Google search for "darkhunter7070". (It's Friday, and this is what passes for fun.)

Exhibit A: There is a spec script here from a darkhunter7070 that bares a lot of the similar stylistic traits as this short story (ignoring basic grammar, over-repetition of letters in words, sentence structure and rhythms, etc.). Thing is, it's from at least 2007 at the latest. With such a specific handle, either it's the same writer and their writing hasn't improved in 14 years or it's a curse of all people with that handle to write this way.

There are other various attributions in line with this screenname, but everyone knows how to Google.
My point, and yes I have one, is not to dox this person, but I really need to know: What is this person's story? Could they be the Tommy Wiseau of erotica? I need answers!

 

[MetaBob]

That's actually a tidy little story cleverly disguised as an impenetrable mess. This seems better:

Cody and Jenna had been friends for over 20 years and have been neighbors. Cody always wanted Jenna and they both endured numerous other relationships, but he could never get the courage to ask her out. Jenna is 5'5" with auburn hair, her athletic body resembling Anna Kendrick's. Cody is 6'4" and somewhat fit, with short blond hair.

One morning as he was leaving his house for work and locking his door, he froze; there she was, her athletic body sprinting like a gazelle, her auburn hair in a ponytail, perfect C cup breasts outlined in her tank top. Black leggings hugged her strong legs, a fresh pair of Nike Frees green and blue on her beautiful feet. The sun reflected off the logo and he was suddenly snapped back to reality.

"Hi, Cody!!" She smiled as she ran by.

Forum rules limit story excerpts to three paragraphs. PM me if you want the rest.

 

[ChloeTzang]

Not being snarky or anything, but grammar, punctuation, story structure, paragraphs, sentences and dialog. Work on all of those. Take a novel, any novel, it doesn't matter what, as long as its been published, and look at the first page. Then start to apply the lessons you will learn from reading and examining that first page.

Buy yourself Grammarly and turn it loose on your story. Other than that, honestly, I'm not sure where to start, except by cleaning the coffee I snorted off my keyboard.