The Peice Between Us - BDSM thriller

[ChuckandAndrea]

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-piece-between-us

Would love for some feedback. Its a quick read.

 

[lovecraft68]

Your story is snuff and shouldn't have made it past screening

I'll save anyone the trouble who doesn't care for guns or getting off on death

Its a form of Russian roulette involving fucking.

 

[ChuckandAndrea]

Your story is snuff and shouldn't have made it past screening

I'll save anyone the trouble who doesn't care for guns or getting off on death

Its a form of Russian roulette involving fucking.

Glad you liked it. You're sure to love my next one thats pending too. Someone might actually die in that one.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Glad you liked it. You're sure to love my next one thats pending too. Someone might actually die in that one.

LC is just stating facts. This site has a no-snuff policy, and your story reads like snuff. It will probably get reported and taken down.

When asking for feedback, it's courtesy to let readers know about content likely to be squicky. IME, even unloaded gun-play is a very hard limit for a lot of BDSMers... and at the point where she believes the gun to be unloaded and it isn't, that's no longer consensual BDSM.

 

[ChuckandAndrea]

LC is just stating facts. This site has a no-snuff policy, and your story reads like snuff. It will probably get reported and taken down.

When asking for feedback, it's courtesy to let readers know about content likely to be squicky. IME, even unloaded gun-play is a very hard limit for a lot of BDSMers... and at the point where she believes the gun to be unloaded and it isn't, that's no longer consensual BDSM.

Fact is, there's no snuff and there's no death.

Honestly, that sort of visceral reaction is exactly what I was going for... thought about posting under horror for just that reason.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Fact is, there's no snuff and there's no death.

Your story describes a guy holding a revolver to his wife's head and pulling the trigger repeatedly, with several 'click's followed by a final 'bang'.

If that's not intended as snuff, then you can take LC's response and mine as feedback that you didn't convey what you thought you were conveying.

 

[SimonDoom]

Fact is, there's no snuff and there's no death.

.

Then what does "Bang" mean at the end of the story?

He is putting a gun against her body, and at the end it goes "bang."

Nobody is shaming you or faulting you. They're just saying that it appears not to satisfy the Site's no-snuff rule.

 

[TadOverdon]

Then what does "Bang" mean at the end of the story?

A particularly good question, considering that it's written in first-person and past tense.

 

[ChuckandAndrea]

Your story describes a guy holding a revolver to his wife's head and pulling the trigger repeatedly, with several 'click's followed by a final 'bang'.

If that's not intended as snuff, then you can take LC's response and mine as feedback that you didn't convey what you thought you were conveying.

He also puts the gun to his head. And, at points she has no idea who, if anyone, the gun is pointed at.

This "leaving it to the readers imagination" is what I was going for, so it conveys exactly what it's supposed to...

Then what does "Bang" mean at the end of the story?

He is putting a gun against her body, and at the end it goes "bang."

Nobody is shaming you or faulting you. They're just saying that it appears not to satisfy the Site's no-snuff rule.

Don't get it twisted, I'm not upset at all by any of this feedback.

And again, the gun can be pointed at her, at him, at the ceiling, the wall, the dog, my imaginary friend cranking one out in the corner... nobody knows.

A particularly good question, considering that it's written in first-person and past tense.

The plot thickens...

 

[NotWise]

LC is just stating facts. This site has a no-snuff policy, and your story reads like snuff. It will probably get reported and taken down.

When asking for feedback, it's courtesy to let readers know about content likely to be squicky. IME, even unloaded gun-play is a very hard limit for a lot of BDSMers... and at the point where she believes the gun to be unloaded and it isn't, that's no longer consensual BDSM.

Um. When I checked, the story had a 5* rating. That doesn't suggest that the BDSMers are having much trouble with it.

 

[ChuckandAndrea]

Um. When I checked, the story had a 5* rating. That doesn't suggest that the BDSMers are having much trouble with it.

Prolly only had one or two votes. Sitting at a 3 now with 9 votes according to my dashboard.

 

[NotWise]

Prolly only had one or two votes. Sitting at a 3 now with 9 votes according to my dashboard.

Well then that's a fairly rough reception.

 

[lovecraft68]

Um. When I checked, the story had a 5* rating. That doesn't suggest that the BDSMers are having much trouble with it.

Give it time. I didn't vote so if the score goes down that's not me.

 

[ChuckandAndrea]

Well then that's a fairly rough reception.

Sure, we'll see how it shakes out. Though, my others have started off similarly and risen steadily as time goes. Who knows though. I'm not real interested in scores, just writing what I want to write and trying to develop my technical skills.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Um. When I checked, the story had a 5* rating. That doesn't suggest that the BDSMers are having much trouble with it.

Out of how many votes?

 

[NotWise]

Out of how many votes?

No way for me to know, but the author (upthread) said it was probably one or two.

I haven't read the story. There's nothing about BDSM (regardless of how it's defined) that actually appeals to me. Mild restraint, maybe.

What I've read here is that the OP described his/her story as a thriller, the story ends with a "bang," and some people jumped to the conclusion (despite the "thriller" description) that the story ended with a snuff.

 

[AwkwardMD]

This story explores the fine line between 'trying to execute a twist' and 'lying to your reader but thinking you're being clever about it', and it does so by amply exemplifying the latter. It sounds like you think you did something groundbreaking or transgressive, and perhaps from your perspective you may feel justified in having triggered a bunch of simps.

At a certain point, though, it doesn't matter what you intend. The author is dead. All that matters is what's on the page.

What's on the page is:

There's a gun.
The gun is what makes the click sound.
These two characters explore dangerous levels of escalation.
If you count clicks from the last time a direction is mentioned, the gun goes off while aimed at the wife (because of course it does).
There is every reason to believe this is what it says it is, because it hasn't given us any reason to believe it's roleplay or any other substitution that might stand in for gun violence.
Nothing else introduced in the story would make a bang sound in the manner it is shown. The gun is the logical solution.
The gun is being pointed at heads every time, to heighten the thrill.
ergo
Someone (it's the wife, because of course) is dead, dying, or severely injured.

 

[Bramblethorn]

A particularly good question, considering that it's written in first-person and past tense.

Wouldn't be the first story told that way to end with the death of the narrator. Not a particularly common device, but I could name a couple of (extremely spoilery) examples in published fiction.

He also puts the gun to his head. And, at points she has no idea who, if anyone, the gun is pointed at.

...and then the story cuts off abruptly, at the moment of "Bang".

Not all gunshots are fatal, but when a story ends with a gunshot, death is usually strongly implied. If you weren't trying to imply her death, this is a very peculiar choice.

This "leaving it to the readers imagination" is what I was going for, so it conveys exactly what it's supposed to...

Feels like you're trying to have your cake and eat it here: it's not snuff, but readers taking it as snuff is exactly what you wanted to convey?

It's really hard to read the way you've written the ending as anything other than implying her death.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I haven't read the story. There's nothing about BDSM (regardless of how it's defined) that actually appeals to me. Mild restraint, maybe.

What I've read here is that the OP described his/her story as a thriller, the story ends with a "bang," and some people jumped to the conclusion (despite the "thriller" description) that the story ended with a snuff.

Let me get this straight: the person who hasn't read the story is telling people who have read the story that we're "jumping to conclusions" about what happens at the end?

 

[ChuckandAndrea]

Wouldn't be the first story told that way to end with the death of the narrator. Not a particularly common device, but I could name a couple of (extremely spoilery) examples in published fiction.



...and then the story cuts off abruptly, at the moment of "Bang".

Not all gunshots are fatal, but when a story ends with a gunshot, death is usually strongly implied. If you weren't trying to imply her death, this is a very peculiar choice.



Feels like you're trying to have your cake and eat it here: it's not snuff, but readers taking it as snuff is exactly what you wanted to convey?

It's really hard to read the way you've written the ending as anything other than implying her death.

What can I say, I like cake.


Just because many view it one way doesn't mean its that way. What if he had the gun pointed at himself? I mean, his thing was putting the gun to his head and pulling the trigger when he came, "three times, every time"... and he got all three. Does that bang even really exist? I kept it vague on purpose... let your imagination fill in the blank.

Others off lit who have read it surmised things along the lines of the gun being thrown against the wall... or him hitting her with it... its up to you.

When I got the idea in my head it was all about making the ending unnerving, fast, and leaving the reader hanging in mystery. Literary blue balls. Everyone thats read it has done a perfect job filling in the blanks. Youre all right. Cause its whatever you want it to be. If you want her to die, you're right. If you want him to die, you're right. If you want it to be a shot in the air and it ruins all their trust, destroying their relationship and ending their marraige... you're right too. If you want it to be an imaginary bang as they both have ear ringing orgasms... correctamundo.

I honestly didn't think it was all that clever, but these responses give me pause. Cause so many different interpretations are really exciting for me.

I think I definitely could improve on things, but maybe its the audience. Seems like here on lit, everyone is focused on her being a victim whereas its very deliberately set up so we don't know where the gun is pointed about half the time... and certainly not at the end. For the non-lit folks, they seem to get that a little better.

But I guess I might as well come clean since nobody got it so far... maybe someone will so I'll keep it somewhat mysterious. I had a bar friend years back whos girlfriend got into "gun play" and she had some really serious ideas about what was fun that he ended up bailing on her for... this is loosely based on some of the things he told me... and they both made it out alive without any new holes. So rest assured, yall got it wrong... very wrong... but Im happy it took you places.

 

[ChuckandAndrea]

Let me get this straight: the person who hasn't read the story is telling people who have read the story that we're "jumping to conclusions" about what happens at the end?

Sure. And the person that wrote the story is telling you that too... also telling you "jumping to conclusions" was the intent.

 

[NotWise]

Let me get this straight: the person who hasn't read the story is telling people who have read the story that we're "jumping to conclusions" about what happens at the end?

Sometimes the best way to see something is from a distance.

 

[NotWise]

Sure. And the person that wrote the story is telling you that too... also telling you "jumping to conclusions" was the intent.

As TadOverdon pointed out, the story is first person past tense, told by the person who would have died if it were a snuff story. You could have made the ending even more obscure, but I doubt that would have helped with the response you're getting.

But then, maybe the story is being told from the afterlife.

 

[Bramblethorn]

As TadOverdon pointed out, the story is first person past tense, told by the person who would have died if it were a snuff story..

...and as I already pointed out, first person past tense is no guarantee that the narrator survived. I can think of a couple of examples that won Best Original Screenplay, just for starters.

OTOH, I'm having real trouble thinking of stories which ended abruptly with a gunshot, where that wasn't intended to imply a death.

 

[KeithD]

Laurel passed it into the file. So, the choices seem to be either to report it to encourage her to take a second look or mind your own business.