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Jokes: Let’s hear your funniest

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Xyjo

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A guy walks into a tavern. As he walked up to the bar he noticed a twelve-inch man playing the piano, so he asked the bartender, "What's that all about?" The bartender told him he that would tell him later. So the guy asked the bartender for a drink. The bartender said, "Before you get your drink, you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make one wish." "Okay," said the guy. He went over to the magic beer bottle and rubbed it. Poof. Out came a genie. The genie, of course, said, "You have one wish." The guy thought about it and then wished for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke filled the room, and then both the genie and the guy disappeared. In a few minutes, the guy reappeared back in the bar with a million ducks all around him. The guy was astounded and said to the bartender, "Hey! I didn't want a million ducks." The bartender replied, "Do you think I wanted a twelve-inch Pianist?"
 
Here's one a friend sent to me....





The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher


I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'
'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)
'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)
'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there in the first place.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.
I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's Show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.
 
Frank, at 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes, so, seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them.
He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the missus.

Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?”

Margaret at age 83 , looked him over and replied, "Nope.”

Frustrated , Frank stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different
NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, "Frank, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.”

Furious, Frank yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!"

Without missing a beat old Margaret replies, "You should have bought a new hat."
 
That is beyond cute.

If a stork brings white babies, and a blackbird black babies, what bird brings no babies?

A Swallow.

Probably politically incorrect these days.

CuddleCakes3 said:
Here's one a friend sent to me....


The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher


I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'
'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)
'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)
'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there in the first place.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.
I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's Show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.
Click to expand...
 
A man was talking to his therapist about finding the right woman. He was sitting in his therapist’s office telling him about how he finally managed to find the right woman, after a whopping 3 divorces.

He says, “well the first wife was quite the fireball and we had good chemistry, but she was a fitness instructor and during sex always yelled ‘HARDER! STRONGER! KEEP UP THAT HEART RATE!’ and at some point I just couldn’t keep up... so we split.”

“Well,” said the therapist, “what about the second wife?”

The man replied, “the second wife was a great woman and I really have great respect for her, but she was a teacher and during sex would always scold me to ‘DO IT AGAIN! DO IT BETTER!’ and at some point my I’ve wore thin and I had to leave.”

“When you don’t feel a connection anymore, leaving is the only option” said the therapist. “And the third?”

“The third was a wonderful young spirit, the only thing was that she was a Formula 1 driver and would constantly yell ‘FASTER! FASTER! PICK UP THE PACE!’ when we made love - it became unbearable so yet again we had to part ways.

“With this sort of luck I don’t blame you for being down on yourself... and what about now? You are married again?” Asked the therapist.

“Oh yes, now I have the perfect woman!!” Said the man.

“She’s a construction worker, so every time we have sex there is no stress... if I ever get tired she says, ‘Ah, fuck it, this can wait ‘til tomorrow.’”
 
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A man trying act smart in front of an insurance agent asks him “Do you provide penis insurance ?”

Agent : “Yes , sir , we do provide penis insurance”

Man got surprised and asked “You replace with a new one when it stops working?”

Agent : “No , sir . Once it stops to work , we ensure free service to your wife for the rest of your Life”
 
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A man recieves a phone call from his wife's kidnappers. "We kidnapped your wife and are sending you her thumb. We'll kill her if you don't pay us $100,000."


So the man replies, "The thumb can belong to anyone. Send her head instead."
 
After driving for 10 hours, a truck driver get pulled over by a police officer.

Cop: "Do you know why you got pulled over?"

Truck Driver : "No, not really."

Cop: "Come on out. I’ll show you."

The truck driver get out of his truck and the police officer pointed to the broken taillight.

Truck Driver : "Oh fuck! The boss is going to kill me!"

Cop: "Its fine, it’s only a small fine."

Truck Driver: "Fuck the tail light, where’s my trailer!?"
 
A couple had been married for 50 years. The man had a large cardboard box under the bed.

His wife had noticed this box but never thought much of it. One day, however, curiosity got the better of her, and she opened it. She found 2 empty beer cans and a bag with some dollar bills and coins.

That night, she asked her husband what this was about.

"Well," he replied. "If you want to know the truth, each time I was unfaithful to you during our marriage, I put an empty beer can in the box".

She was shocked but decided to control her anger and look at the bright side. "I guess two times in 50 years is not terrible, it could have been a lot worse."

He agreed.

Then she asked, "but what about the coins and dollar bills?"

"Each time the box got full of cans, I would recycle them and put the money there."
 
Two CEOs meet after....

One of them has visited Japan. So they are talking about how the trip was and one says:

"Look, I got this amazing robot secretary from there, it does everything a human secretary does except 20 times faster and 200% more efficiently."

The other one says: "that sounds impressive but does she do... You know other things?"

"You're welcome to take her for a spin" winks the first one.

So the other one takes her to the toilet and after fifteen minutes agonizing screams are heard from the toilet.

The first CEO slaps himself on the forehead and yells: "Shit! I forgot to tell him she has a pencil sharpener in her ass!"
 
A young boy is visiting his Grandpa for a weekend.

When the young boy arrives he is treated to a great barbeque dinner. Smoked ribs smothered in a homemade southern BBQ sauce, coleslaw, steak fries, and biscuits slathered in butter.

The next morning the boy comes down for a hearty breakfast of bacon, sausage, eggs, and fried potatoes. Before eating, the boy notices some barbeque sauce and a couple shreds of cabbage from the previous night's dinner. The boy says "Grandpa, were these dishes cleaned after dinner?" The Grandpa replies "They are as clean as cold water can get them."

Satisfied, the boy digs in. For lunch, the Grandpa made some nice BLT Sandwiches with the leftover bacon from breakfast and tomatoes from the grandfather's garden. Picking up the sandwich the boy notices some bacon grease and ketchup still on his plate from breakfast.

Again, the boy asks "Grandpa, are you sure these plates were cleaned after we ate breakfast?" Again, the Grandpa says "They are as clean as cold water can get them."

The boy accepts the answer and enjoys his meal. Before long it was dinner time and the boy went to wash up. Upon turning on the light in the bathroom he noticed his Grandpa's dog drinking from the toilet. The boy shouted down the hall "Grandpa, your dog is drinking from the toilet."

A few moments later the Grandpa appeared and shouted "Cold water, you stop drinking from the toilet and get ready for supper!"
 
Three drunk hobos were having an argument over who has the dirtiest underwear

"I have the dirtiest boxers in the entire city," says the first hobo.

As proof, he takes off his filthy brown stained boxers and throws it at a nearby wall.

The boxers stuck to the wall for 10 seconds, before peeling off and landing on the ground with a sickening plop.

Unimpressed, the second hobo took off his briefs, now a shit stained rag that might have been called white decades ago, and threw it at the wall.

It stuck on for a full minute! When it fell, rats immediately came and devoured it.

The third hobo then nonchalantly took off his thongs which are pure black, then threw it at the wall.

It stayed up for less than a second.

The other hobos laughed at him, that is, until the black thong quivered and slowly inched back up the wall like a caterpillar.
 
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