What are your thoughts on my story "Kelsi's Adventures Ch 06"

[WW2Mike]

This is my most up-to-date release of my most recent chapter of Kelsi's Adventures:

https://www.literotica.com/s/kelsis-adventures-ch-06

What happens to the two main characters in Chapter 6 based on recap?

 

[MColton84]

This is my most up-to-date release of my most recent chapter of Kelsi's Adventures:

https://www.literotica.com/s/kelsis-adventures-ch-06

What happens to the two main characters in Chapter 6 based on recap?

Are you asking me if what happened is based on a recap? Dude, where do I begin?

1) slow down when you write. Your not giving the reader any chance to absorb the story.

2)Why would she wear a Tshirt, jeans and a bathrobe to bed? Is there something wrong with their heat?

3)Your writing has no sense of time. You jump hours, days and months, mid-scene. It's almost impossible to follow.

4)And then what? Your happy ending is that dad brutally rapes his daughter for months on end, abandons their child, only to come back 20yrs later and rape it.

I'm not going to bash the content. I am sure some people are into it, but damn. I will say that it was harder to follow the writing than the actual sex.

 

[WW2Mike]

Are you asking me if what happened is based on a recap? Dude, where do I begin?

1) slow down when you write. Your not giving the reader any chance to absorb the story.

2)Why would she wear a Tshirt, jeans and a bathrobe to bed? Is there something wrong with their heat?

3)Your writing has no sense of time. You jump hours, days and months, mid-scene. It's almost impossible to follow.

4)And then what? Your happy ending is that dad brutally rapes his daughter for months on end, abandons their child, only to come back 20yrs later and rape it.

I'm not going to bash the content. I am sure some people are into it, but damn. I will say that it was harder to follow the writing than the actual sex.

How did you find the actual sex between Jordan and Kelsi in Chapter 6?

 

[MColton84]

How did you find the actual sex between Jordan and Kelsi in Chapter 6?

The pace was too eratic, there was no build up, and very little description. If you want to arouse your readers, you need to warm them up first. Don't just write the acts, describe them.(How fast are they moving? Does it feel good? What are they thinking during?) Your story is like a pitch for a porn scene, but you have no script or substance. It could have been executed much better.

 

[WW2Mike]

The pace was too eratic, there was no build up, and very little description. If you want to arouse your readers, you need to warm them up first. Don't just write the acts, describe them.(How fast are they moving? Does it feel good? What are they thinking during?) Your story is like a pitch for a porn scene, but you have no script or substance. It could have been executed much better.

What particular act did Jordan do to Kelsi while she was sleeping?

 

[MColton84]

What particular act did Jordan do to Kelsi while she was sleeping?

Alright, well you clearly aren't looking for feedback and I'm not going to waste my time being quizzed on you lazy writing. BTW she was unconscious a couple of times in your story.

 

[AlinaX]

"She falls fast asleep in her bed. Or so she thought. ... None of it fazes Kelsi though, at least until she is about to wake up."

Is this an AI-generated story? Is that what all this is about?

 

[lovecraft68]

I'm starting to wonder about the age of the OP, between the writing itself and the weird questions about their own story, they don't seem very mature.

 

[WW2Mike]

"She falls fast asleep in her bed. Or so she thought. ... None of it fazes Kelsi though, at least until she is about to wake up."

Is this an AI-generated story? Is that what all this is about?

It’s not an AI-generated story. That’s the part where Kelsi is sleeping.

 

[AlinaX]

For someone who is fast asleep, she's doing an awful lot of active thinking. But my point is that the text reads like an AI-generated script. The forum comments similarly.

Give me your answer true, Daisy.

 

[WW2Mike]

For someone who is fast asleep, she's doing an awful lot of active thinking. But my point is that the text reads like an AI-generated script. The forum comments similarly.

Give me your answer true, Daisy.

And what is Jordan kissing while Kelsi's fast asleep?

 

[AlinaX]

The priest's cock.

 

[WW2Mike]

The priest's cock.

Nope. Jordan is giving Kelsi a nice soothing foot rub, rubbing her soles, toes and arches. Does Jordan leave it at just the foot massage?

 

[MColton84]

Nope. Jordan is giving Kelsi a nice soothing foot rub, rubbing her soles, toes and arches. Does Jordan leave it at just the foot massage?

No, the mom catches him and sends his incestuous raping ass to prison. There he'll take turns getting stbbed by either cocks or shivs. The end.

 

[AlexBailey]

For someone who is fast asleep, she's doing an awful lot of active thinking. But my point is that the text reads like an AI-generated script. The forum comments similarly.

Give me your answer true, Daisy.

,

HAL9000?

 

[MsNatalie99]

,

HAL9000?

Is that a 2001 reference?

 

[AlexBailey]

Is that a 2001 reference?

...the text reads like an AI-generated script.

Give me your answer true, Daisy.

,

HAL9000?

I'm sorry. I can't do that, Dave.

Daisy, Daisy,
Give me your answer true.
I'm... half... craaaazy...
aaall.... ffffooooooorr.....mmmmy......
llloooooovve .... of........


2001 A Space Odyssey

 

[MsNatalie99]

,

HAL9000?

I'm sorry. I can't do that, Dave.

Daisy, Daisy,
Give me your answer true.
I'm... half... craaaazy...
aaall.... ffffooooooorr.....mmmmy......
llloooooovve .... of........


2001 A Space Odyssey

I thought so, but it has been ages since I watched it.

 

[AlinaX]

Great quote from the sequel:
"[Unlike the lead characters in most Literotica Mind Control series, they] had not yet attained the stupefying boredom of omnipotence; their experiments did not always succeed."