Is this dialogue punctuated okay?

[JN_Mari]

Is this dialogue punctuated okay? I think it is (no closing quotation mark on first bit of dialogue).

(The Abby character says something, then there is a new paragraph with action, then Abby says something else.)


“What do you feel like for dinner tonight, Hannah? [Abby talking]

Abby was at my doorway, peering in at me. I was hunched over my laptop, going

over a report that my boss had emailed me.

“David’s coming over. We’re going to order takeout.” [Abby talking]

“Umm…whatever. I don’t care.” [Hannah talking]

 

[Handley_Page]

Just makes it seem incomprehensible to me.
I'd recommend 'normal' English

 

[JN_Mari]

Just makes it seem incomprehensible to me.
I'd recommend 'normal' English

The [] with the character names are not part of the text.

What I'm not sure about is whether Abby's first bit of dialogue should have a closing punctuation mark (").

 

[MartaMaine]

The [] with the character names are not part of the text.

What I'm not sure about is whether Abby's first bit of dialogue should have a closing punctuation mark (").

What makes you think that there shouldn't be closing quotes there?

 

[JN_Mari]

“What do you feel like for dinner tonight, Hannah?"

Abby was at my doorway, peering in at me. I was hunched over my laptop, going

over a report that my boss had emailed me.

“David’s coming over. We’re going to order takeout.”

“Umm…whatever. I don’t care.”

___________________________

How does this look then? I think it's punctuated properly now. The first two lines of dialogue are Abby, and the last one is Hannah.

But maybe I don't need the page breaks after and before Abby's two lines...

 

[Emirus]

Is this dialogue punctuated okay? I think it is (no closing quotation mark on first bit of dialogue).

(The Abby character says something, then there is a new paragraph with action, then Abby says something else.)


“What do you feel like for dinner tonight, Hannah? [Abby talking]

Abby was at my doorway, peering in at me. I was hunched over my laptop, going

over a report that my boss had emailed me.

“David’s coming over. We’re going to order takeout.” [Abby talking]

“Umm…whatever. I don’t care.” [Hannah talking]

“What do you feel like for dinner tonight, Hannah?”

Abby was at my doorway, peering in at me. I was hunched over my laptop, going over a report my boss had emailed me.

“David’s coming over. We’re going to order takeout,” she explained.

“Umm...whatever. I don’t care.”

*

 

[lovecraft68]

First line is fine. I know you're asking about dialogue, but that next line is awkward, it has no flow.

I looked up from the laptop and the report my boss had e-mailed me to see Abby peering into the doorway

"David's coming over," Abby continued, "We're going to order take out."

"Uh," I replied while turning my attention back to the e-mail. "Whatever, you're getting is fine."

 

[NotWise]

“What do you feel like for dinner tonight, Hannah?"

Abby was at my doorway, peering in at me. I was hunched over my laptop, going

over a report that my boss had emailed me.

“David’s coming over. We’re going to order takeout.”

“Umm…whatever. I don’t care.”

___________________________

How does this look then? I think it's punctuated properly now. The first two lines of dialogue are Abby, and the last one is Hannah.

But maybe I don't need the page breaks after and before Abby's two lines...

The punctuation is good. Maybe in a larger context it would be clear that it's Hannah speaking the last line. It isn't clear in this context.

 

[SimonDoom]

“What do you feel like for dinner tonight, Hannah?"

Abby was at my doorway, peering in at me. I was hunched over my laptop, going

over a report that my boss had emailed me.

“David’s coming over. We’re going to order takeout.”

“Umm…whatever. I don’t care.”

___________________________

How does this look then? I think it's punctuated properly now. The first two lines of dialogue are Abby, and the last one is Hannah.

But maybe I don't need the page breaks after and before Abby's two lines...

The punctuation of this version is fine, but to me it's not clear who is speaking the last two lines. I don't know how the reader can know that the second line of dialogue is Abby, not Hannah.

I would write it like this:

"David's coming over," she said. "We're going to order takeout."

 

[Zeb_Carter]

“What do you feel like for dinner tonight, Hannah? [Abby talking]

Abby was at my doorway, peering in at me. I was hunched over my laptop, going

over a report that my boss had emailed me.

“David’s coming over. We’re going to order takeout.” [Abby talking]

“Umm…whatever. I don’t care.” [Hannah talking]

“What do you feel like for dinner tonight, Hannah?" asked Abby.

Turning at the sound of her voice I saw Abby at my doorway, peering in at me. I had been hunched over my laptop, going over a report that my boss had emailed me and wanted my feedback as soon as possible.

“David’s coming over. We’re going to order takeout,” said Abby.

“Umm…whatever. I don’t care.”

This is how I would have written it.

 

[KeithD]

“What do you feel like for dinner tonight, Hannah?"

Abby was at my doorway, peering in at me. I was hunched over my laptop, going

over a report that my boss had emailed me.

“David’s coming over. We’re going to order takeout.”

“Umm…whatever. I don’t care.”

___________________________

How does this look then? I think it's punctuated properly now. The first two lines of dialogue are Abby, and the last one is Hannah.

But maybe I don't need the page breaks after and before Abby's two lines...

The punctuation is now fine. The reader is thrown out of the flow at the paragraph staring "David's . . ." though. You don't clarify who speaks this. It could be either one of them, as then could the next response. You go off track at this point.

 

[Ginlover]

How I would do it to make it clearer who is speaking.

“Hannah, do you feel like for dinner tonight?” Abby was at my doorway, peering in.

I was hunched over the laptop, going over a report that my boss had emailed.

“David’s coming over. We’re going to order takeout.”

“Umm…whatever. I don’t care,” I said.

Or if you don’t want a dialogue tag use an action tag at the end like ‘ . I glanced up at her.

 

[MetaBob]

Is this dialogue punctuated okay? I think it is (no closing quotation mark on first bit of dialogue).

(The Abby character says something, then there is a new paragraph with action, then Abby says something else.)


“What do you feel like for dinner tonight, Hannah? [Abby talking]

Abby was at my doorway, peering in at me. I was hunched over my laptop, going

over a report that my boss had emailed me.

“David’s coming over. We’re going to order takeout.” [Abby talking]

“Umm…whatever. I don’t care.” [Hannah talking]

“What do you feel like for dinner tonight?" Abby was at my doorway, peering in at me. “David’s coming over. We’re going to order takeout.”

I was hunched over my laptop, going over a report my boss had emailed. “Umm ... whatever. I don’t care.”

 

[SimonDoom]

“What do you feel like for dinner tonight?" Abby was at my doorway, peering in at me. “David’s coming over. We’re going to order takeout.”

I was hunched over my laptop, going over a report my boss had emailed. “Umm ... whatever. I don’t care.”

I like this. You achieve clarity while still respecting the OP's desire to avoid the dialogue tags. Abby's action and dialogue are put together in the first sentence; while Hannah's are in the second. It's logical and it's clear and true to what the OP wants to do.

Another clever thing about this revision: you take out the unneeded word "Hannah." Since Hannah is the narrator and it's in first person, we don't need Abby to name her in dialogue, unless this is the first time her name appears in the story.

 

[JN_Mari]

I like this. You achieve clarity while still respecting the OP's desire to avoid the dialogue tags. Abby's action and dialogue are put together in the first sentence; while Hannah's are in the second. It's logical and it's clear and true to what the OP wants to do.

Another clever thing about this revision: you take out the unneeded word "Hannah." Since Hannah is the narrator and it's in first person, we don't need Abby to name her in dialogue, unless this is the first time her name appears in the story.

Yes, I think this is the most clear (MetaBob's suggestion). It also maintains the style of my writing.

Appreciate all the suggestions! Learned something here.

 

[KeithD]

I like this. You achieve clarity .

Well, not really. The clarity didn't come until the second paragraph. The first paragraph doesn't really make clear who is speaking. It could be either of them. That isn't clear until the next paragraph. Quickly settled, but clear from the getgo? No.