Looking for feedback on new incest story (Isolated Incidents, Chapter 1)

[MayorReynolds]

https://www.literotica.com/s/isolated-incidents-ch-01

I just posted the first chapter (of a planned five) of a new Incest/Taboo story. So far it has gotten a lot of Favorites but no comments. Although it is a just a small part of a bigger story, I was hoping to get some feedback on it.

The story is about a college girl named Emily who ends up stuck in the house with her aunt, uncle and cousins (a family of four) during the April 2020 lockdown. She begins some quasi-innocent snooping, only to stumble onto more than a few secrets among the family.

Chapter Two is almost done. I have some of three written and a general sketch of chapters four and five.

There are two themes I'm riding on with this. First, I know that " hot fantasy incest" is by nature silly, on the basis that the reader needs some suspension of disbelief. But I want to tell a story about how fear and uncertainty brought on by the pandemic can cause people to act in ways they might not have otherwise. Add some unresolved tension among the family members, lock them together in a house, and watch the soup boil. Their sexual heat also springs from ways we have dealt with the pandemic: nostalgia, distracting ourselves, trying to be optimistic, or tearing our hair out with worry.

The second theme is how the incest "spreads" almost like a virus. It starts with Emily's discovery about her sibling cousins, and from there, unwittingly, she brings it to her uncle and his daughter, while tensions rise between the mother and son.

Anyway, let me know what you think.

 

[8letters]

Your prose needs a lot of work. First paragraph:

Emily West was lucky her parents lived close enough to the Hartland University campus, not so much that Robert and Rachael West didn't get along. At the peak of their arguing, there was an agreement that Emily could stay with her aunt, uncle and cousins.

To me, it's like there was a line removed from the text between "Hartland University campus" and "not so much that Robert and Rachael West didn't get along". I feel that "At the peak of their arguing" should be "Because of their arguing".

* * *

Next paragraph:

Then March 2020 rolled around, and with it a nationwide lock down. In communication with the Wests, Emily felt the situation between her parents was cooling. Only now, with terrible headlines rolling in by the minute, Robert and Rachel preferred Emily stay indoors as much as possible. The Lanes agreed to take in Emily longer.

I don't like "the Wests". Why not use "her parents"? "The Wests" to me sounds like a group bigger than her parents. Or is "the Wests" the extended family who shared with Emily that the situation between her parents was cooling? What do you mean by "cooling"? A relationship cooling is generally a bad thing. "Improving" is probably what you want. "Situation" is a poor word choice. How about "Arguing less"? "Their relationship was improving"?

"The Lanes agreed to take in Emily longer." You haven't introduced The Lanes. I'm guessing that they are Emily's aunt and uncle. You haven't mentioned that Emily is staying with The Lanes.

With Covid, you want to stay isolated, not indoors. Indoors is riskier than being outdoors. Was Emily in the dorms? Or was she living with her parents, moved in with her aunt and uncle because of her parents arguing? "The Lanes agreed to take in Emily longer." Why? If her parents were arguing less, then Emily should move home were she'd be exposed to less people. If the Lanes have bad internet, shouldn't Emily move back home if all of her classes are online?

* * *

Really, you don't need the first two paragraphs anyway. You can provide that information when it is needed rather than starting with a bunch of telling.

* * *

Reading on, your characters are over-the-top depressed. "Is it the end of the world?" No, it's not.

* * *

Again, we have another paragraph that makes me want to stop reading:

Thirty minutes later, Aunt Brooke came through the door with two Hot-n-Readys in one hand, a face mask in the other. "The grocery store was. There was a line. Is everybody okay with pizza?"

I'm not familiar with Hot-n-Readys. I was thinking it was a type of chicken. "The grocery store was." Was what? "There was a line." Line where?

* * *

Then there's a lot of boring action. There doesn't seem to be a plot.

Then Emily decides to search Farrah's room without an excuse. When she hears Farrah coming up the stairs, she hides in the closet. Somehow, she sees the action in the room from inside the dark closet. Yeah, there are vents in the door, but Emily is sitting in the middle of the closet, not close to the vents. And the vents I've seen in doors are at the bottom and point down, so Emily would only see the floor right in front of the closet if she looked through them. And yet, Emily sees all the action like she's right next to Farrah and Ben.

* * *

Farrah and Ben have sex in Farrah's bedroom while their parents and Emily are in the house. An incredibly risky move. What if Emily had come looking for them?

The sex scene was pretty good. There was some hints on the first page that they were having sex, so not a huge surprise. Still, Farrah and Ben felt rushed to me. I think I would have enjoyed it more if I had known Ben and Farrah better.

* * *

My big piece of advice would be to slow down, tell a interesting story about Emily, and then have the sex happen along the way. What are Emily's goals? How is she striving to achieve them? What are her interests? Who are her friends? To me, the focus is too much on the sex and not enough on the story.

 

[MayorReynolds]

I am not criticizing your criticisms or getting angry at feedback, just trying to explain myself better. I appreciate your input.

"The Lanes agreed to take in Emily longer." You haven't introduced The Lanes. I'm guessing that they are Emily's aunt and uncle. You haven't mentioned that Emily is staying with The Lanes.

I thought I did. I'll have to look at that again.

With Covid, you want to stay isolated, not indoors. Indoors is riskier than being outdoors.

Avoiding public as much as possible aside from work has been my experience with this damnable thing for almost a year now. You're probably right, though. No "expert" has ever given me a straight enough answer on how to deal with Covid because it changes every week.

Was Emily in the dorms? Or was she living with her parents, moved in with her aunt and uncle because of her parents arguing? "The Lanes agreed to take in Emily longer." Why? If her parents were arguing less, then Emily should move home were she'd be exposed to less people. If the Lanes have bad internet, shouldn't Emily move back home if all of her classes are online?

* * *

Really, you don't need the first two paragraphs anyway. You can provide that information when it is needed rather than starting with a bunch of telling.

First...crap, was there a contradiction? She was supposed to be living with her parents because she was close enough to campus and to save on living costs, but I hope I didn't ALSO imply she was living in dorms. I'll have to look at it again.

I tried to cut down and avoid as much backstory as possible. I wanted to say, "This is why she is here" and then jump to present day. I don't like telling over showing, either. I decided on two paragraphs max being my limit.

Reading on, your characters are over-the-top depressed. "Is it the end of the world?" No, it's not.

My characters will always end up reflecting me in some way. I have been rather depressed and pessimistic during the whole thing. It has felt like the end of the world since last March, and I'm willing to bet a lot of us felt that way too. The world outside sucks right now.

I'm not familiar with Hot-n-Readys. I was thinking it was a type of chicken.

Hot-n-Readys are pre-cooked pizzas you pick up from Little Caesars. Cultural reference. "Pizzas" would have been better in retrospect.

"The grocery store was." Was what? "There was a line." Line where?

I put a period after 'the grocery store was' to imply a pause, hesitation and tension. She tried to go to the grocery store and the line was too backed up and frustrating for her to venture in. In the early days of the lockdown they had yellow tape and cones thrown all around the outside doors of your local Walmart.

Her dialogue breaks into sentence fragments because of how drained and scared she is. I've been roasted in comments before for putting ellipses and hyphens in dialogue to create that effect. For this round I wanted to try something else.

Then there's a lot of boring action. There doesn't seem to be a plot.

I want them to feel like real people instead of just dicks and holes.

Then Emily decides to search Farrah's room without an excuse. When she hears Farrah coming up the stairs, she hides in the closet. Somehow, she sees the action in the room from inside the dark closet. Yeah, there are vents in the door, but Emily is sitting in the middle of the closet, not close to the vents. And the vents I've seen in doors are at the bottom and point down, so Emily would only see the floor right in front of the closet if she looked through them. And yet, Emily sees all the action like she's right next to Farrah and Ben.

I'm also trying to cut down on boring details and intricacies. I actually DID do a Google image search to see if stylish vents in closet doors actually exist (they do), but I didn't want to get bogged down in grognard's mechanics of how a closet works.

Farrah and Ben have sex in Farrah's bedroom while their parents and Emily are in the house. An incredibly risky move. What if Emily had come looking for them?

Ah, but part of the thrill is in the risk of getting caught. Emily wouldn't have gone looking for them because the impact of it all has reduced her to a recluse. Emily would have probably knocked before entering too, at least in this chapter.

The sex scene was pretty good. There was some hints on the first page that they were having sex, so not a huge surprise. Still, Farrah and Ben felt rushed to me. I think I would have enjoyed it more if I had known Ben and Farrah better.

That is what I was aiming for with the dialogue and boring action. Each character is kinda molded out of different responses to tragedy. Farrah and Brooke try to be optimistic. Ben wants to distract himself a lot. Uncle Nathan is consumed in darkness and Emily is paranoid.

You mentioned earlier that there was no plot and a lot of boring action. I was, as you suggested, trying to make the reader know Ben and Farrah better.

My big piece of advice would be to slow down, tell a interesting story about Emily, and then have the sex happen along the way. What are Emily's goals? How is she striving to achieve them? What are her interests? Who are her friends? To me, the focus is too much on the sex and not enough on the story.

In general I am trying to balance both. I want a literary character study, but at the same time I am keeping in mind that this is a porn site and I am writing erotica.

Or more like, I want to write the kinds of stories I'd like to see. Too many Incest/Taboo stories are one-page strokers. The first paragraph will be "Daddy, my nipples tingle" followed by daddy jumping her bones. I slowed down, or attempted to anyway. I also wanted the sex to be a visceral gut punch.

I want you to get to know Emily. I drop hints throughout the story about her idiosyncrasies and her sex life. She fights with her conscience. She is terrified about the future. She also has a flash drive somewhere with pictures of dicks organized into folders by size, shape, and color, because girls are just are perverted as guys are.

Or so I'm told.

 

[8letters]

I am not criticizing your criticisms or getting angry at feedback, just trying to explain myself better. I appreciate your input.

I know I come across as harsh in my feedback. That's just the way I am. I'm really trying to be helpful in nice way.

* * *

First...crap, was there a contradiction? She was supposed to be living with her parents because she was close enough to campus and to save on living costs, but I hope I didn't ALSO imply she was living in dorms. I'll have to look at it again.

At first, it's not clear if she had lived in the dorms or not. And then, Emily mentions living in the dorms. "Back home, Emily kept a red vibrator named Mr. Redman within reach. She didn't have that luxury in her college dorm, nor did Mr. Redman travel with her to the Lane house."

* * *

I tried to cut down and avoid as much backstory as possible. I wanted to say, "This is why she is here" and then jump to present day. I don't like telling over showing, either. I decided on two paragraphs max being my limit.

I agree with all this, but you need to be more effective in your two paragraphs as I felt what you told of the backstory was garbled. You need to look at your story with eyes of someone who knows nothing of your story.

* * *

My characters will always end up reflecting me in some way. I have been rather depressed and pessimistic during the whole thing. It has felt like the end of the world since last March, and I'm willing to bet a lot of us felt that way too. The world outside sucks right now.

I'm sorry to hear that. It has sucked for me, but it's been like my enjoyment of life has been turned down from 90 to 40. To me, Emily comes across as whiny as she isn't really that put upon by Covid. She's taking classes remotely instead of in-person. Her uncle is working from home instead of going into the office. Lots of people had it lots worse.

* * *

I put a period after 'the grocery store was' to imply a pause, hesitation and tension. She tried to go to the grocery store and the line was too backed up and frustrating for her to venture in. In the early days of the lockdown they had yellow tape and cones thrown all around the outside doors of your local Walmart.

Her dialogue breaks into sentence fragments because of how drained and scared she is. I've been roasted in comments before for putting ellipses and hyphens in dialogue to create that effect. For this round I wanted to try something else.

Didn't work for me. Perhaps if you had commentary in between the sentence fragments?

"The grocery store was." Aunt Brooke closed her eyes and shudder. I knew what she was feeling - my last trip to the grocery store had been so depressing with yellow tape, cones and empty shelves. "There was a line." She shook her head in defeat. "I hope everyone is okay with Pizza."

* * *

Ah, but part of the thrill is in the risk of getting caught. Emily wouldn't have gone looking for them because the impact of it all has reduced her to a recluse. Emily would have probably knocked before entering too, at least in this chapter.

Those things are in your head. They didn't go in the story. If Emily knocks on the door when Ben and Farrah are naked, what are they going to do? And all Emily had to do was be near Farrah's bedroom when Farrah yells, "Yes. Yes! Fuck your sister, Ben. Do it!"

* * *

In general I am trying to balance both. I want a literary character study, but at the same time I am keeping in mind that this is a porn site and I am writing erotica.

Or more like, I want to write the kinds of stories I'd like to see. Too many Incest/Taboo stories are one-page strokers. The first paragraph will be "Daddy, my nipples tingle" followed by daddy jumping her bones. I slowed down, or attempted to anyway. I also wanted the sex to be a visceral gut punch.

Your first chapter was two pages, and the second page was mostly a sex scene. I've analyzed how story length effects ratings, and you really want to shoot for at least four pages. In my stories, I try to have the readers rooting for the characters to have sex before they have sex.