POC: Finding it hard to find a Dom/Daddy?

[TeachLoveR]

Are other women of color finding it hard to find a Dom/Daddy? I am and I’m wondering if others are having the same issue.

 

[Smoothshavendad]

Are other women of color finding it hard to find a Dom/Daddy? I am and I’m wondering if others are having the same issue.

Whether you are female or male, finding the right person to enter into a dd/lg relationship takes patience. Wishing you luck on your journey.

 

[TeachLoveR]

Thank you

 

[breadlover69]

I'm a 25-year-old dom. White guy, not PoC. Still, feel free to message me.

 

[Acktion]

Hello, TeachLovR.

I am not a Person of Color. However, I think that may be of only passing relevance, if I may explain.

Years... Decades ago, I was trying to find a relationship that would actually work. Three ex-fiances and countless girlfriends later, I found the woman I would marry. We had two and a half decades together before her death.

After she died, I wasn't looking for anything. What would have been the point? I'd already had my "happily ever after" you see.

But, there was this woman... Yeah, yeah. I know. Cliche. But, seriously.

The thing is, I didn't really know much about BDSM despite having lived it for three decades. How the fuck is that possible? Well, I wasn't talking about it. We were just doing it. (NOT, by the way, anything I recommend. I shudder to think how incredibly lucky I was that some of the... riskier play didn't go South.) And the labels, in particular, confused the Hell out of me. Especially, "Daddy."

Like many people, I had judged the book by the cover and thought this was some incestuous pedophilia crap and was NOT interested.

So, what changed?

An argument with a little subbie who dared to laugh at me. And I went off on a research binge to prove this uppity little smart-ass wrong. Only, it turned out she was right. Hell, I could have used the DD checklist as a personality inventory.

But, here's the thing. Since then, I've been involved with... well, frankly I'm ashamed to admit that I've quite lost count just how many. Not all (or even most) got to call me "Daddy." That label is something very special to me since it is what my late wife called me for the overwhelming majority of our time together. But, the personality... Actually, I have something of a long-running joke battle with a friend who happens to be a Domme where she will slap me down with "not your sub, Dude." Which, I'm not trying to be her Daddy Dom. It's just... me.

On the other hand,... Part of the reason I've quite lost track of how many I've gotten involved with since my late wife's death is that none but one have worked out. They were looking for a Daddy Dom, and I guess I was looking for a little. But, they weren't looking for me and I wasn't looking for them. The labels slapped on the side of the cage just confused the issue for a while until they decried "you are not a Daddy." Because I didn't fit their image of what their Daddy should be.

And, in all fairness, while I didn't say it (or type it), they weren't acting like I thought a little should.

But, they are littles, if they feel they are. Just as I know (now) I'm a Daddy Dom. I was to my wife of two and a half decades. And I have been to my babygirl for quite a while now.

What I'm getting at is that I don't think it's necessarily a Person of Color foible. Nor should you feel like the Lone Ranger. Relationships are hard. And slapping a label on the side of the beaker doesn't really mean that it is always a perfect titration. What you identify as is never going to be all of who you are. Nor does a label (self-ascribed or not) slapped on my ass do more than give a starting point to understanding me.

Relax into it. Look for a better understanding of who you are and who they are and what you become as a couple. But, without bending on your hard needs and hard limits.

As someone who has found that match twice now, it is worth however long it took, however many false starts, when it's right.

I don't actually know that PoC plays a role or doesn't. I've known a few littles that happen to be "of color." I don't typically interact with most Dom(me)s other than in passing. (Not really interested in pissing contests or measuring contests.) However, I'm aware of two who happen to be "of color." One is interested in DD/lg. The other isn't. At least superficially (which is all we've been party to joint discussions). But, either way, I've heard littles lamenting how hard it is to find their Daddy who are "of color" and who aren't. And I've heard Doms (Daddies and decidedly not), both "of color" and not, lamenting how hard it is to find their sub.

The trick, I think, is getting the right two people together at the right time (for both of them) and working to make it work until and unless there are hard viable reasons to not. Maybe this one says he is a Daddy, but he doesn't touch your little buttons. Maybe that one thinks (like I did) that "Daddy business" is kind of... icky, but actually is a DD in his balls and bone.

Any road, I've blathered on overlong. Particularly in light of not being a Person of Color, nor a submissive/little, which is what you indicated you'd like to hear from.

But, wherever your path may lay, may the wind be at your back and the sun out of your eyes for bright day. Just keep the faith.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

But SHE thinks it’s a POC thing, so maybe it is.
Lit is very white.

Yes, this.

TeachLoveR, while I also do not have personal experience to share, I would like to echo Fara’s invitation to interact more in the forum here, especially the Cafe. I hope you find what you are looking for.

 

[Alexbailey27]

Are other women of color finding it hard to find a Dom/Daddy? I am and I’m wondering if others are having the same issue.

YES! The racism disguised as fetishes makes a lot of stuff hard on this website. But also finding a Dom who isn’t fetishzing my race has been rly hard. Sorry I don’t have any tips but you’re not alone.

 

[Acktion]

But SHE thinks it’s a POC thing, so maybe it is.
Lit is very white.

Well, howdy Fara-shmeal. How goes the hunt for that "great white devil?" And what's this I hear about Moby Dick's wife being onboard with the blowjob, but drawing the line at swallowing seamen?

All right, so in my misspent checkered past, multiculturalism was a hot topic. As such, it would be ludicrous for me to try to say that People of Color in BDSM is not a tripwire issue. And, as you should know, while I whole-heartedly embrace ridiculous, I try to avoid ludicrous. At least these days.

https://i.ytimg.com/vi/Q-TOsJDQD_o/hqdefault.jpg

Ludicrous tends to leave a mark. And I'm not a painslut.

Back in... um... I want to say '92 to about '98... there was "Black Leather in Color" (BLIC) which combated the underrepresentation of people of color in the mainstream (however much such periodicals could be viewed as "mainstream" back then) media of the time.

There was a resurgence after 50 Shades in interest. (And anyone that hasn't read 50 Shades of Nope, which is specifically about the fetishizism of women of color really should.)

I think it was about 2012 or thereabouts that... Salon(?) did an interview with the anthropological author Margot... well, crap. I'm drawing a blank on her last name and the title of the book. Any road, one of the hot button vignettes was a slave auction wherein the slave on auction happened to be a lady of color. And the bidders were predominately white.

Ok. Fair enough. However, my question has been (and continues to be), was the next on the block also a lady of color. Or was she... red-haired and fair skin with freckles? And if so, was she treated any differently? Did the lady of color place herself there of her own volition?

I'm not belittling her conclusions. Whether we like it or not, many of the "scenes behind the rose" evolve to mimic... ah... less laudable (?) aspects of our social evolution. However, even the author herself in the interview clearly stated that she does not conclude that these play scenarios are in any way as vicious and violent as the acts they mimic.

There was a website... um... To Indie with Love(?) that maintained a separate class in BDSM for persons of color. Why? I would posit that it is because Persons of Color still feel marginalized in the larger kink community. And having seen a town be forced to take down a sign effectively banning People of Color from being in town after sunset (albeit in cruder language) as recently as... er... the 80s(?), there is no question in my mind that when they feel that way, it is because they have a lot to go on.

Hell, as recently as seven months ago, another website published a piece BLACK, INDIGENOUS, AND PEOPLE OF COLOR BDSM RESOURCES, therefore it would be ludicrous of me to try to argue that it doesn't still exist just because I don't experience it (on either side of the coin), nor condone it in my presence but censure it when I find it.

As far as "Lit so White"... I hadn't really considered this until you called it to my attention. And I had to inventory the list of littles (and Doms) I mentioned specifically and realized I know them from (an)other site(s) found during my, perhaps self-imposed, exile. And I'll grant that I probably will never "get it" any more than Stella was able to pound my thick skull about "objectification" and what it really was... oh, geez. Has it been that long ago? (Miss you, Stella_Omega. But, no, I still don't cede the finer points of our argument on objectification.)

My point here, such as it was, was to try to be hopeful and inclusive. To show that just because someone happens to be PoC does not mean that they have to feel OutKast, or so different. Certainly, some will be racist and have nothing to do with someone not of their own race. And some will fetishize and want to be with them because they are "othered" and anyone else similarly "other" would do equally well. There will always be some chaff to be sorted for the grains of wheat.

I can only apologize that my view as a white, male, D-type was not welcomed as intended, as a message of hope and inclusion. And conclude with my original wish for TeachLoveR to find the sun out of her eyes and the wind at her back for brighter tomorrows than yesterdays, whatever that takes, as I bow myself respectfully out.

 

[TeachLoveR]

Come talk in the Cafe with us. Make friends on the boards and take it from there.
It’s difficult, because I know from my friends that some men fetishize being with a POC.
If you chat with someone a bit, you may get a better feel for who they are.
Have you checked locally?

With there being a pandemics been hard for me to explore locally and I do realize that there are those into race play. I don’t judge but it’s hard no for me. I’m going to try and be more involved on here and hopefully that helps me:

 

[TeachLoveR]

YES! The racism disguised as fetishes makes a lot of stuff hard on this website. But also finding a Dom who isn’t fetishzing my race has been rly hard. Sorry I don’t have any tips but you’re not alone.

Thank you for helping me see I’m not alone.

 

[MeekMe]

I haven’t been to FetLife in a very long time so I couldn’t tell you the current state of things, but it could be a good resource for finding groups suited to your interests. You can look for groups that are inclusive as well as specific groups formed for POC locally and globally. I know for sure you’re not alone in this.

It would be nice to see more on this perspective here. This forum moves rather slowly.

 

[jerryb1966]

Are other women of color finding it hard to find a Dom/Daddy? I am and I’m wondering if others are having the same issue.

TeachLoveR your mailbox is full and this Dom Daddy is very interested.

 

[CaraMiddlemoor]

Thank you for helping me see I’m not alone.

You're definitely not alone. I was on Fet for a little bit (before life in general derailed my ability to interact and maybe find a Papa).

I had SO much fun just hanging out with other Littles and Middles! n0n

Yet, unfortunately, the kinds of Doms that expressed any interest in me ran a sorta' depressing gamut. ^^;

There were definitely race players who wanted slaves; and guys who, because I am not the sought-after young, slim, petit, college blonde type; would be like, 'Hey, that's okay little one, nobody's perfect! How do you feel about being my personal punching bag instead?'. lol

I would either be relegated strictly for pain/degredation-play in their eyes (something that I was very upfront about not being into...just not my particular kink is all), OR, I'd get tons of DMs from men looking for me to be their Mommy or Domme.... the complete opposite of what my profile was asking for.

I can understand that my age, weight, height, marital status, and neurodivergency may only have *added* to this reaction from them... but I certainly did hear from perfectly beautiful, young, and single Black women who said that they were experiencing the same reactions from DDs as me.

So, yes. It's not your imagination. There can be some extra challenges to navigate when Littling/Subbing While Black, same as almost any other undertaking. <3

But you're still valid as a Little/Sub, and you're still worthy. Whether you keep looking or not: don't settle!