BBC: The Benefits of Having Many Lovers

[TarnishedPenny]

Brit Broadcasting Corp: The Benefits of Having Many Lovers

https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20200320-why-people-can-love-more-than-one-person

The benefits of having many lovers

By William Park
22nd March 2020

We often see a relationship as an exclusive understanding between two people. But this norm is increasingly coming under scrutiny as people find other ways to redefine romantic love.

To mark the end of a turbulent year, we are bringing back some of our finest stories for BBC Future’s “Best of 2020” collection. Discover more of our picks here.

“What does exclusivity mean to you?” asks Amy Hart, a contestant on UK reality TV show Love Island in 2019. Her partner, Curtis Pritchard, is cornered and she knows it. He had been kissing other girls behind her back. Pritchard shrinks into his seat as Hart eloquently and calmly lists the issues with their relationship, starting with how he could possibly have romantic feelings for two people at the same time, how she needed him, and how he had let her down.

Hart was operating under the assumption that a romantic relationship involves two people only, and that Pritchard was breaking the rules. But what we know about human relationships is that historically, they were much more complicated than the monogamy that is normal in many societies now. Might we return to our non-monogamous roots?

Consensual non-monogamy (CNM) allows both parties in a couple to be free to explore relationships with other people. This could incorporate everything from polyamory to swinging and other forms of “open” relationship. Regardless of the form it takes, one of the defining features of CNM is that partners discuss and agree the boundaries, such as for how far they can go, and when and where. This definition means that Pritchard’s antics wouldn’t come under this banner, as Hart had not signed up for them. But the presence of non-monogamy in a sizeable minority of the population might explain why Pritchard acted the way he did.

[Full quotation or more than 5 paragraphs of copyrighted material reduced per our forum guidelines.]

 

[missyunderstanding]

Nice article

Very interesting article. I do think that wife sharing is going to become mainstream in the next few years. My husband lets me chat and mess around but doesn't want to go further. Nevertheless he knows I am interested in the possibility of a MFM and sooner or later he is going to want to try it. I think that male jealousy is the cause of a lot of social-sexual problems.

 

[SimonDoom]

I think that male jealousy is the cause of a lot of social-sexual problems.

Probably, but I can say from personal experience that female jealousy can be a relationship killer as well. I am a very non-jealous man, but I've been in relationships with women who were so jealous as to be almost neurotic about it.

Two things caught my eye in this article. One was its reference to the idea of compersion -- the desire to see one's partner have pleasure. I think this is crucial in a relationship, especially if one wishes to explore non-monogamy. It's probably not going to work unless the activity gives both partners pleasure of some kind AND each partner enjoys the other's pleasure. I've been in relationships where I fantasized about activity outside the partnership but knew to a certainty there was no way my partner would enjoy it OR get any pleasure out of my pleasure in it. It was never going to happen.

The other thing I noted was the comment about the absence of longitudinal studies. Without longitudinal studies, much of this is wild guesswork. It's hard to know what's healthy or normal or really causes happiness.

I suspect -- but this may just be my personal, observational bias speaking -- that this subject is very much one of "different strokes for different folks" and no "one-size-fits-all" rules apply.

 

[SimonDoom]

One other thing -- I think the idea of compersion is a useful concept for making a story more interesting. In an awful lot of erotic stories, the story is just about one character getting his rocks off, or perhaps both characters doing so. It's more interesting when the tale explores one character finding out what gets the other's rocks off, and perhaps learning something exciting or erotic about the other character in the process.

 

[SyleusSnow]

One other thing -- I think the idea of compersion is a useful concept for making a story more interesting. In an awful lot of erotic stories, the story is just about one character getting his rocks off, or perhaps both characters doing so. It's more interesting when the tale explores one character finding out what gets the other's rocks off, and perhaps learning something exciting or erotic about the other character in the process.

I think so too. Compersion add a whole new dimension to CNM stories. No guilt, no secrets, no jealously.

In On the Side I've been exploring compersion in a relatioship where the husband takes on a young mistress with the wife's permission. She gets direct satisfaction knowing it makes him happy, to the extent watching them together stokes her own desires.

Also... interesting article, TarnishedPenny. Thanks very much for sharing it.

 

[PeytonMirabelle]

I suspect -- but this may just be my personal, observational bias speaking -- that this subject is very much one of "different strokes for different folks" and no "one-size-fits-all" rules apply.

This. I find that most gender-based generalizations are fair starting points for a conversation about the population at large but say very little about the individuals.

Interesting article, though.

 

[Ginlover]

Oooh I had do some research to find these. But they are damn good talks
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FtdsZ8B7JQY
This one discusses ethical poly I think brilliantly

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0sYguTPLpHE
This one is wonderful about realistic compromises — monogamis should be in the dictionary, hell as writers we could be helping couples stay together. And I love this sexologists summary men cheat to stay with their partner and women cheat to escape.

Regarding the BBC article I was singing ‘unicorn, unicorn, unicorn’ in my head as I read it. The first YouTube clip talks about loving more than one person equally or differently but still LOVING. But that isn’t what is depicted in popular culture. It’s the threesome... a loving couple or couple trying to cope brings in a third person for excitement or possibly a band aid to a failing relationship.

That role as a third stinks (IMHO) you add fun to the consenting couple, give yourself then you are no longer needed. I’ve spoken to a bull who shrugged his shoulders and said it is what it is. He does a scene or even has a regular arrangement with a consenting couple with great communication between all of them then he has to step back as the act rekindles the couples desire (or what ever their aim is). The bull is a spare part.

Cuckquean is a popular rl kink, and I could love to write a story exploring the cuckcake’s emotions and role. (Cuck cake is a female bull). In rl the bull and cuckcake are the proverbial unicorn - they step into a fantasy fulfilment role then they normally step away. They are unicorns in the kink world as they are so rare.

But I wouldn’t research this story or probably ever put a word down about it, despite it being a story I’d love to explore. Where ever this very real scenario is placed it would be slaughtered on this site. The BTB brigade would be horrified unless the cuckcake suffers terribly, the romantic BDSM’s would be aghast and it’d be attacked in fetish. Yet women who like the idea of being a cuckquean love the idea of watching their partner, feeling insecure then their partner loving them even more as they show them they are the most important woman in their life. Or to flip it the other way the cuck reclaiming his wife or just knowing it’s him she will go home with not the bull.

I guess while prejudice exists unicorns will remain very rare to find.

I do realise my generalisations are rather mute in the swinging community, but swingers are usually paired up so the ‘third’ has a supportive partner they go home with. That’s not the story I want to tell, I want to write about the loneliness of the cuck cake, doing her thing then leaving.

 

[SimonDoom]

I confess when I saw the acronym "BBC" at the beginning of this thread, my first thought was NOT British Broadcasting Corporation. That added an extra wrinkle of interest to the topic.

 

[TarnishedPenny]

I confess when I saw the acronym "BBC" at the beginning of this thread, my first thought was NOT British Broadcasting Corporation. That added an extra wrinkle of interest to the topic.

Ah, oops.

Changed and thank you, Simon.

Edit - except, of course, the change won’t take. Well, maybe it’ll bring in an expanded readership.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I confess when I saw the acronym "BBC" at the beginning of this thread, my first thought was NOT British Broadcasting Corporation. That added an extra wrinkle of interest to the topic.

Look, you're not alone there.

Regarding the BBC article I was singing ‘unicorn, unicorn, unicorn’ in my head as I read it. The first YouTube clip talks about loving more than one person equally or differently but still LOVING. But that isn’t what is depicted in popular culture. It’s the threesome... a loving couple or couple trying to cope brings in a third person for excitement or possibly a band aid to a failing relationship.

There used to be a joke about "relationship broken, add more people". I think it can work in some really specific circumstances, e.g. the couple are sexually incompatible but otherwise well suited to one another, and polyamory lets everybody get what they want. But "we're shitty at communicating with one another and respecting one another's feelings, maybe that will magically change if we recruit another person" doesn't usually work out well.

That role as a third stinks (IMHO) you add fun to the consenting couple, give yourself then you are no longer needed.

Yeah, I've been very happy in triad and vee relationships, but trying to squeeze three into a bed rarely seemed to work out. Usually we ended up making time for each individual pair to have fun together while the third person found something else to do. Maybe not as glamorous but it beats having somebody feel like a neglected third wheel.

 

[Ginlover]

Yeah, I've been very happy in triad and vee relationships, but trying to squeeze three into a bed rarely seemed to work out. Usually we ended up making time for each individual pair to have fun together while the third person found something else to do. Maybe not as glamorous but it beats having somebody feel like a neglected third wheel.

I read a funny but accurate article on fet by a woman with two boyfriends. She was explaining trying to juggle important days like her birthday results in a lot of logistics, ego soothing and a sore pussy lol

 

[vanmyers86]

I confess when I saw the acronym "BBC" at the beginning of this thread, my first thought was NOT British Broadcasting Corporation. That added an extra wrinkle of interest to the topic.

Raises hand.

The question of how far one would go to make one's partner happy is always a good one for generating internal, and sometimes external, conflict. It may well be the most effective driver for interesting erotic stories about established couples, although it certainly comes into play in other plots too.

 

[Hypoxia]

IMHO cheating or expanding all depend on explicit and/or implicit rules. See my essay What is cheating?

 

[Bramblethorn]

I read a funny but accurate article on fet by a woman with two boyfriends. She was explaining trying to juggle important days like her birthday results in a lot of logistics, ego soothing and a sore pussy lol

Is it even polyamory if an online calendar app isn't involved?

 

[Ginlover]

Is it even polyamory if an online calendar app isn't involved?

And a flow chart/spider diagram

 

[petes478]

Very interesting article. I do think that wife sharing is going to become mainstream in the next few years. My husband lets me chat and mess around but doesn't want to go further. Nevertheless he knows I am interested in the possibility of a MFM and sooner or later he is going to want to try it. I think that male jealousy is the cause of a lot of social-sexual problems.

Wife sharing is already very very common in the USA, Europe and Australia.