Litiquette VII

[LizVegas79]

Working from home today and, for once, not much on the to-do list. Kiddos at dad’s house.
So it’s 6:45 and I’m still in bed, nursing my coffee, on a Tuesday people!
Such sloth.
I’m kinda squirming with guilt as I type this.
Need to get rock n rolling. I’ve got a Fitbit challenge goin on that involves kicking SMNaughty’s stepping ass.

The seven deadly sins:
Sloth
Wrath
Gluttony
Envy
Lust
Pride
Greed

Which one of these do you indulge in (or try to stay away from) most?
Does one in particular get you into trouble more so than the others?
Which one makes you feel all eewww inside when you realize you’re doing it?
Which one is kind of a guilty pleasure?

Bonus question: if your deadly sin of choice were a cocktail, what would be in it?

Indulge in most - Lust

Try to stay away from - Greed

Makes me feel icky when I realize I'm doing it - Sloth

Guilty pleasure - Pride

My Deadly Sin Cocktail of choice - a Lust-Glutton-tini

 

[SMNaughtywife]

I can indulge and turn into an insatiable lust monster. A guilty pleasure too.
Steer clear of envy and greed, I refuse to buy into the grass is greener on the other side.
Not so great at being a sloth.
Can one really claim gluttony on sushi?!
My cocktail would be ones favorite beer.
Solid, tried and true and never a second thought to buy more of it.

 

[investor2020]

My Deadly Sin Cocktail of choice: white rum martini garnished with cocktail onions

While some might call it a Rum Gibson, I learned it was a "W.R. Martin". One is a little stout, the second is very smooth, the third . . . dangerous!

 

[SMNaughtywife]

Alrighty. Buckle up, let’s do a Thursday getaway with a glass of Chardonnay, driving in our Chevrolet wearing lingerie on route to a holiday hideaway.
Something like that.

We’ve got us a guest question today.

Amends.
How do you feel about ‘em? Do you make them? How long after an event will you do so? Is there an appropriate time window? Do you appreciate being on the receiving end? How do you like them to go? Are they a waste of time?

 

[QuietCanadian]

I love a good rhyme, that one was sublime.

I'm both an apologizer (Canadian, eh) and a forgiver. If I know I've fucked up, I won't wait very long once I've realized it, we're all better recognizing it so we can move along from it. I don't think they are a waste of time if it's meaningful (don't continually do the same thing over and over and seek forgiveness, please). As long as it's sincere, I don't care how it goes.

I think a lot of this all had to do with the severity and if the person who you feel needs to make amends even realizes how they made you feel.

 

[Endless_Night]

Speaking of buckling up, I have much to say on this topic.

I am big on them. Both giving and receiving. Like a Janus coin it’s both my greatest strength and greatest weakness.

Receiving:

I’ve crashed relationships due to not receiving a proper amends. Extreme cases when an incident involving trust has left me seriously wounded. I just cannot left that s**t go. It triggers my brutal side, which is verbal and relentless. The more hurt, the more brutal. I will flay every character flaw with a devastating accuracy, and with the mercy of an officer of the inquisition. It gets ugly.

I really cannot help myself. Not sure why. I think the lack of genuine amends makes me feel…de-valued?

That scenario continues until a conversation ensues that rights the situation. That, or I drive them off permanently, limping, bloody, and with a serious case of PTSD. Once or twice it's devolved into a permanent enmity. On both sides.

By genuine amends I mean no BUTs. You know the kind of thing I mean.

I’m sorry, BUT - in my defense.
I’m sorry, BUT - you did __.



The first is just insulting. The second a thinly-veiled attempt to shift blame. Both are positively infuriating and neither are apologies. If explanation is due, give it, but don’t make in an excuse or a justification.

 

[Endless_Night]

Part two! Still a maniac.

Giving:

I make amends. A lot. Not always. I don’t always realize they are due. Not always timely, but believe me when I say I will track your butt down if the time comes! The most delayed has been…six years?

The post-dated ones rarely go all that well.

It’s strange, but in my experience when you apologize for something specific, most people leap to the conclusion that you are taking FULL responsibility for any and all relationship transgressions. Not really an issue if the connection is past, but occasionally tricky if the wounds are fresh or things are ongoing.

In the past I’ve been ruthless with myself as far as delivering when delivering was due. Just lately I’ve begin to wonder if, just occasionally, some things aren’t best left alone. Or, at least in some cases, best served cold. I’ve also had a recent incident that very much looks like it deserves an amends. Perhaps it does, but to deliver one would undo the kindness that prompted the initial action. An action that did not appear kind, at least on the outside. So…conundrum.


There ya go. I dare anyone to top my level of lunacy.

 

[SassySheDevil]

Speaking of buckling up, I have much to say on this topic.

I am big on them. Both giving and receiving. Like a Janus coin it’s both my greatest strength and greatest weakness.

Receiving:

I’ve crashed relationships due to not receiving a proper amends. Extreme cases when an incident involving trust has left me seriously wounded. I just cannot left that s**t go. It triggers my brutal side, which is verbal and relentless. The more hurt, the more brutal. I will flay every character flaw with a devastating accuracy, and with the mercy of an officer of the inquisition. It gets ugly.

I really cannot help myself. Not sure why. I think the lack of genuine amends makes me feel…de-valued?

That scenario continues until a conversation ensues that rights the situation. That, or I drive them off permanently, limping, bloody, and with a serious case of PTSD. Once or twice it's devolved into a permanent enmity. On both sides.

By genuine amends I mean no BUTs. You know the kind of thing I mean.

I’m sorry, BUT - in my defense.
I’m sorry, BUT - you did __.



The first is just insulting. The second a thinly-veiled attempt to shift blame. Both are positively infuriating and neither are apologies. If explanation is due, give it, but don’t make in an excuse or a justification.

This is beautifully said.

I forgive too easily. But with loads of therapy to help me understand that. I'd rather forgive and move on. Letting the hate/anger/hurt simmer, means that person still has control of me or my emotions. I kind of need it for closure. It takes more energy to hold onto it.

Some cases are harder to let go of and take longer. But for the most part, eventually I can always move past it.

I like giving and receiving.

And if we're cruising, I'm taking the mustang

 

[SassySheDevil]

Part two! Still a maniac.

Giving:

I make amends. A lot. Not always. I don’t always realize they are due. Not always timely, but believe me when I say I will track your butt down if the time comes! The most delayed has been…six years?

The post-dated ones rarely go all that well.

It’s strange, but in my experience when you apologize for something specific, most people leap to the conclusion that you are taking FULL responsibility for any and all relationship transgressions. Not really an issue if the connection is past, but occasionally tricky if the wounds are fresh or things are ongoing.

In the past I’ve been ruthless with myself as far as delivering when delivering was due. Just lately I’ve begin to wonder if, just occasionally, some things aren’t best left alone. Or, at least in some cases, best served cold. I’ve also had a recent incident that very much looks like it deserves an amends. Perhaps it does, but to deliver one would undo the kindness that prompted the initial action. An action that did not appear kind, at least on the outside. So…conundrum.


There ya go. I dare anyone to top my level of lunacy.

lol nope. Still love it.

 

[Endless_Night]

< And if we're cruising, I'm taking the mustang

Cabernet?

lol nope. Still love it.

 

[SassySheDevil]

Cabernet?

You find me a good one and it's a deal!! I'm not as good with quality wine. I'm kinda cheap LOL

 

[hotwords229_A]

Once again the robot in me isn’t sure how to answer.

I don’t think I make (or care about) amends.

Actions are everything to me.

Of course, I’ll apologize if I screw something up, but not doing it again is the part that really matters. Otherwise it is just words. I’m not a fan of drama and, to me, thinking in terms of amends just creates drama. The person is either sorry or they aren’t and I can’t control that. How do they behave from here on out is the only thing I will focus on.

Actually, I suppose changing one’s actions would be the definition of amends. So I guess I’m all for it?

 

[Trekka]

Amends are actions. Making amends is more than “I’m sorry.” It’s making changes, doing things differently, moving forward.

Sooo.... “made amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.” —> there ya go on the litmus test, Enny, of whether to let it be or not. And I think in certain situations if making the amends will grossly injure *me* ... that’s a consideration too.

Receiving amends- I’m currently the lucky recipient of a very remorseful amend-maker’s industrious actions to right a toppled ship. It feels weird, because I’m still pretty pissed and hurt. I also know that it means he’s trying. He’s consulted with his tribe and, with their input, he’s doing the best he can to fix things and handle *this issue* differently, moving forward. Had he simply said as much to me, I wouldn’t have given a fig. It’s the action that counts.

Ive also sat around tapping my foot waiting for my amends, which can become comical at times, because I *totally* know better.

And yes, I make amends. Promptly whenever possible. Ask how I can make it better. What can I do to fix it? And then act accordingly.

I used to be really quick to apologize. I’m not anymore. I think about how I’m going to correct whatever I’m apologizing for— and if I can’t put a real honest effort into what I’m about to say? I don’t say it. “I’m sorry, I’ll work on doing better at XYZ” only comes out of my mouth when I know I can and will actually do better at X. And Y. And Z. Otherwise it’s an empty promise. And who wants those?! Ew.

^and not one of these ideas are original thoughts. They’ve been passed down to me by lotsa peeps who have walked in shoes like mine and found what worked for them, and in turn, taught me. I’d be lost without them.

 

[Orchidea73]

Once again the robot in me isn’t sure how to answer.

I don’t think I make (or care about) amends.

Actions are everything to me.

Of course, I’ll apologize if I screw something up, but not doing it again is the part that really matters. Otherwise it is just words. I’m not a fan of drama and, to me, thinking in terms of amends just creates drama. The person is either sorry or they aren’t and I can’t control that. How do they behave from here on out is the only thing I will focus on.

Actually, I suppose changing one’s actions would be the definition of amends. So I guess I’m all for it?

100 times THIS!
I've known people who would say all the right words. Yet, their actions were the complete opposite. So much so that sometimes I even started to questioning myself: Am I missing something here? Am I reading all this in the wrong way? It was so absurd. I sometimes wonder if those people even know they are doing it.

 

[SMNaughtywife]

Alrighty. Buckle up, let’s do a Thursday getaway with a glass of Chardonnay, driving in our Chevrolet wearing lingerie on route to a holiday hideaway.
Something like that.

We’ve got us a guest question today.

Amends.
How do you feel about ‘em? Do you make them? How long after an event will you do so? Is there an appropriate time window? Do you appreciate being on the receiving end? How do you like them to go? Are they a waste of time?

I’m good with saying I’m sorry right away, if I say it, I mean it.
I know when I’m in the wrong and have never intentionally set out to wound one, it’s more of a miss understanding or not enough context that feelings were hurt.
My hair is red, but I wasn’t blessed (or cursed?) with a hot temper and sharp tongue to fillet someone.
Maybe I could if I really wanted to, maybe.
My silence is much more powerful and what I resort to.

For me, amends are a waste of time to habitual offenders with BS excuses, that are purposeful with their hurtful harsh words, intentional criticism and turning the tables on fault.
There’s been times when I’ve said “when or if you even bother getting around to an apology, don’t bother. It’s not accepted.”
I can get a little cool and numb when I’m undeservingly hurt.

I have this crazy metaphor I do in my head- I shove any (un)finished amends that are bothering me into a huge heavy safe and load it onto my boat. Not that the safe is full, more of its weight I see as significant. Row it out to the middle of the sea, it’s hard- sometimes I’ll cry, other times I’m emotionless. Push it off and watch it sink never to be brought back up.
And then by the time I’m back to shore, I’m 99% golden.
It’s a conscious decision I do for myself to move on, heal, not necessarily to forget, and never used as a crutch or excuse to hold me back. This keeps a skip in my step, and smile while rocking down my yellow brick road with the music too loud and Jenga in hand.

 

[Dribble]

In a few weeks, I will be celebrating 34 years clean in a 12-step program. There is a specific step that deals with amends, so yes, if I think...even for a second...that I should apply that step in my daily life, I do. My amends...are for me...not them. I don't give a flying fuck if someone else thinks I need to do an amends. That's just ass-kissing.

There is never a time limit. Sometimes, I may not understand an amends is due until growth has occurred. Example...I was 30 years clean, and I sent a letter to a high school girlfriend apologizing for how I broke up with her. My actions were wrong.

 

[Endless_Night]

Actions have meaning. As do words. One without the other is, at least to me, an empty glass. *shrug*

OMG. The *obligatory* sorry. Popped off in a half second with zero sincerity.

I occasionally have people on here tell me how nice I seem. (No. Really. It's true. ) It surprises me a little. I certainly don't think of myself that way. I suspect it's a gloss, a veneer of sorts, that goes with not being all that concerned about things that don't, well, concern me.

Where is this leading?

You want to see me not nice? Give me an obligatory apology when I am hurt or truly upset. It's like FLAME ON. My entire body combusts. *whoosh*

Placate me, will ya? Prepare for verbal evisceration.


I laugh, but seriously, this is my Achilles heel.

 

[QuietCanadian]

FLAME ON.

I'm gone. I'm so sweet like a nice bonbon. Came out rapping when I was born. Mom said rock it till the break of dawn.

Thank you for bringing bank to high school for a few minutes.

 

[Endless_Night]

< I've known people who would say all the right words. Yet, their actions were the complete opposite. So much so that sometimes I even started to questioning myself >

That, my dear, is called Gaslighting.

< My actions were wrong.

*boom*

And that right there is why I make amends. Especially if I've hurt someone.

* * *

That is a great metaphor and attitude, Naughty. I would love to emulate.

 

[Endless_Night]

I'm gone. I'm so sweet like a nice bonbon. Came out rapping when I was born. Mom said rock it till the break of dawn.

Thank you for bringing bank to high school for a few minutes.

My work is done.

 

[QuietCanadian]

My work is done.

I'm sure that is exactly what you were going for with your will thought it responses.

 

[Endless_Night]

I'm sure that is exactly what you were going for with your will thought it responses.

I like to pander to the crowd.

 

[Orchidea73]

That, my dear, is called Gaslighting.

Yeah, I thought about it. But Gaslighting doesn't happen when you try to discuss the issue? To me it has happened that I didn't even say a peep, just observing it from a "distance", so to speak. I was amazed with their attitude. How could they possibly not see that what they were saying with what they are doing were completely two different things. And they were not thickheaded people either. It takes some skills, I tell you. Or a complete lack of self-awareness.

Either way, whether consciously or unconsciously, it is a form of manipulation. That’s for sure.

 

[Endless_Night]

Yeah, I thought about it. But Gaslighting doesn't happen when you try to discuss the issue? >

Hmmm. Interesting point.

I think perhaps it could? Either way, I'd agree with the manipulation.

 

[investor2020]

How do you deal with a situation where the problem is that both parties are misunderstanding what the other party thinks, says, or means? If the issue is a "hot button" for each, it's probably hard for one to say "this is what I think you said or meant, am I correct?" or admits he/she misunderstood the other (how do they know?). And is an amend, as such, warranted if both parties are guilty of a misunderstanding?

Sorry if that's confusing, but such has led to relationship disruptions in the past. Guess it has to happen at least once before one can step back and ask if there is misunderstanding in the middle of it all.