Super Confused

[Red__Herring]

Hello

I am very new, and have learnt a lot from this forum. It's been super exciting and amazing. I learnt of so many labels which answered so many questions. And also left me with new questions.

I am conflicted about being a masochist and a dominant. As a sub I get away for a while, by being bratty and playful. As a domme I accomodate for the person I am with, which means no pain for me (only online experiences so far, so don't know if I enjoy inflicting pain, though I think I would).

Started reading SM 101 A realistic introduction, for answers, now I am a bit vulnerable about being a masochist. And still super confused.

Has anyone faced similar confusions? Any advice, suggestion or experience would help. If there is a similar thread already and I missed it, would be grateful if someone points me towards it.

Thank you.

 

[twister947]

When you read or view BDSM porn, which party do you identify with?

 

[ToPleaseHim]

Welcome to Lit! Glad you’re here. As someone who is neither dominant nor masochistic, I don’t have much personal experience to contribute to your question. But, one of my previous Doms was a switch - he was dominant with me, but had a regular domme he would sub for. This allowed him to deliver and receive pain, which he loved. (I have 0% dom or switch in me, so I was definitely not able to help him there. He once pondered out loud about what kind of mental anguish he could inflict on me if he ordered me to hit him. I did not enjoy even thinking about it, lol). Could you be switchy?

Also, there’s A LOT here, but here’s a link to a page on the BDSM Library dedicated to masochism: Link.

 

[seela]

Dominant people can be masochists and get off on pain. It's maybe not super common, but not unheard of either.

Most people solve the situation by getting those two needs met by different partners, some have partners that enjoy switching roles as well. You don't have to pick just one label and stick with it. You don't always have to share all aspects of yourself with everybody if you're not comfortable. That's perfectly fine too.

I imagine it can be difficult to share that masochistic side of you with a submissive person, because many might view that as not-dominant and might have trouble wrapping their heads around it, just like you are now having trouble understanding that part of yourself. But don't be discouraged!

 

[Mei5ter]

Hello

I am very new, and have learnt a lot from this forum. It's been super exciting and amazing. I learnt of so many labels which answered so many questions. And also left me with new questions.

I am conflicted about being a masochist and a dominant. As a sub I get away for a while, by being bratty and playful. As a domme I accomodate for the person I am with, which means no pain for me (only online experiences so far, so don't know if I enjoy inflicting pain, though I think I would).

Started reading SM 101 A realistic introduction, for answers, now I am a bit vulnerable about being a masochist. And still super confused.

Has anyone faced similar confusions? Any advice, suggestion or experience would help. If there is a similar thread already and I missed it, would be grateful if someone points me towards it.

Thank you.

Hello Red_Herring,

I know many people find labels helpful. It's a bit like a medical diagnosis in some ways - there is reassurance in knowing that what you're feeling is something understood, and that others have felt it too. But BDSM labels are really quite broad-brush, and there is a very wide spectrum of kink covered by each.

From what you post, I'd make two points. Firstly, you say that you 'accommodate' a partner when taking a dominant rôle, which I take to mean that you are flexible in what you do according to their tastes and needs. What is it that you enjoy about being the dominant in that situation? Is it the power and control, or watching the pleasure you can give your partner when they cede power to you, or the act of inflicting pain, or something different again? Secondly, I'm not sure I understand whether the feelings which confuse you are of submission or masochism. You mention that you act bratty when you're being a sub, but say that you're conflicted about being both a dominant and a masochist - which isn't the same as a submissive. Do you like pain, or do you like being told what to do? Or both?

But yes, it is perfectly possible for someone who is sexually dominant to enjoy receiving physical pain, while also retaining complete control of the process by which they receive it. In fact, not only is it possible, it's lots of fun.

 

[Justis]

As a switch I enjoy both giving and receiving pain. As a submissive for me it does not detract from a persons dominance if they enjoy receiving pain, as a Dominant it does not detract from a persons submission if they enjoy giving pain. There are times I just want or need one or the other but there are also times that meshing the two together and the extra intensity it brings is what I crave/need. My advice to you would be don’t get too hung up on labels they help to identify/relate but don’t let them constrain what feels right and true to you.

 

[ultramarineblue]

Welcome to the boards here. I learned so much here and then found a munch through fetlife where I met some people I could start actually trying stuff with. I'm still very good friends with many of those people. Of course now the pandemic is happening the munch is on hold.

Like others have said, labels are helpful but they aren't everything and they are broad. I don't really even know what my label really is in some ways. In some ways I am a slave and others I'm a sadist. At other times I'm a masochist. I also have a bit of little in me and princess. I'm definely a rope bunny with only a little experience. Anyway, all of that is to say that you don't have to know all off the answers right now. Take your time. Make friends. Try some stuff in a safe way. Make some more friends. Enjoy the journey. Be open. Ask questions.

 

[cookiecat]

Do you want to be Dominant and experience pain?

Do you want to be submissive and experience it?

Or does it matter what role you're taking -- do you just want to experience it?

You made the comment that being a masochist makes you feel vulnerable. Why is that? Versus feeling vulnerable as a submissive.

One thing I had to work through was understanding the labels Dom / Top and Sub / Bottom.

I wanted to experience certain things like being flogged with a really heavy flogger and whipped with a single tail. At the time, I was single. For the record, I identify as submissive. It bugged me because I didn't want to play with anyone unless I was in a relationship. I wanted my Dominant to do these things to me.

It occurred to me I wouldn't be experiencing much of anything because I wasn't dating anyone. There were people in the kink community who were known for certain skills or who had great equipment they were willing to share. I decided to seek out those folks and see if they'd be willing to play with me.

By understanding I was a bottom in these situations rather than submissive, it made me feel comfortable experiencing new things.

Hope that makes sense.

 

[Acktion]

Hello, Red__Herring.

As usual, some pretty bright people have already commented. And their answers to your conundrum are, I think, pretty well done.

So, I'll just offer a little bit of a different perspective to ponder on at your leisure.

Back in my mad-capped, often ill-thought, checkered past I was... eh... often confused with a fighter rather than a lover. Football (the Americanized version, but back in the day when we actually hit people). Kickboxing (pre-MMA or my record probably would have been better since my weight class had legs half again as long). Back alley street fights (strictly speaking illegal). As well as some other hobbies that qualified as "eXtreme."

The torn rotator cuffs in both shoulders, cracked scapula, four broken ribs, and compound fracture of the tibia and fibula weren't a whole lot of fun. Healing afterward, at least. Well, the stitches weren't a great deal of fun either now I think about it. The knife slashes weren't half so noticeable as that damn ten gauge needle. The rest I either shrugged off and ignored.

Or, actively enjoyed.

More often, I was the hammer to their nail. But, even the shots I took were... exciting. Thrilling. A wake-up jolt better than a caffeine overdose.

The best game of my career, I took a helmet to the thigh early on that bruised the bone. I was limping around between plays, all but struggling to stand on it, and probably should have been pulled. Except during the plays... I couldn't be stopped.

I've had what happens to me described as "Alpha Black." I don't really understand exactly what that means in physiological or neurological terms. It has something to do with the combination of brain waves and electrochem responses that were outside my interests. I taste something like blood and it's like everything slows down. Each moment is stretched out almost to its breaking point.

I don't think it's entirely accurate to say I stop thinking. Although, maybe it is since in that... mode, I tend to be tactically reactive rather more than strategically proactive. And intensely, intensely focused. Not internally, but externally.

However...

However, I'm extremely domination oriented without a submissive bone in my body. Holding still and accepting pain meted without dishing back... just ain't gonna happen. Trying to restrain me is a good way to get a room redecorated in a nuevo post-apocalyptic as we found out when I completely dismantled a cast iron bed frame I was tied to early on. And again when in a restraint training session I almost seriously injured a pair of former NFL players turned detention officers attempting to practice on me.

But, in the heat of the moment, now... that's a very different story.

There was a time when I bore claw marks on my ass and back and teeth marks on my shoulders as badges of honor. (As well as some interesting bruises in odd places.) Hell, there was a time when that was my benchmark if the sex was any good!

There is a thing called Primal. I don't really care for the designation Predator as that denotes an intent to bring harm that just isn't me. And I really disagree with the counter-designation "prey" since you don't mate with prey, you devour it. But, there is a certain aspect of the battle for supremacy between Alpha and Alpha that held... a certain something. Of having to earn the submission, proving that I was worthy of it, maybe. A... mock battle between two consenting people to get the blood pumping. Not exactly consensual non-consent since consent is open established, just with a... tussle for foreplay.

Any road, I'm a big proponent of never letting some arbitrary label from books and magazines, and least of all faceless entities on the infernal nets, dictate what for you is a good time so long as everyone involved consents and it is safely practiced.

I used to push for sanity, but then I figured out we're all ape-shit crazy in our own way, so what was the point in pushing for something that doesn't exist outside of some wackadoo's frame of reference?

Any road, don't overthink it and try to bend yourself into pretzels trying to fit a definition someone else gave you. Once you figure out what you need to be happy, and find someone who needs the same, then go for it. And fuck any judgemental pricks that weren't invited to play anyway.

May the sun be out of your eyes and the wind at your back for a brighter tomorrow than yesterday.

 

[Lady2020]

I'm confused as well. My Dom said from beginning he wasn't into pain. Yet he fantasizes about biting the hell out of my breasts. I reminded him about his previous statements. I'm into zero pain. His response was sometimes he loses it. I think he just can't say he's into giving pain.

 

[Red__Herring]

When you read or view BDSM porn, which party do you identify with?

I am not sure if that is a good question, I known of many women who watch and enjoy lesbian porn but are straight. They just feel that it's more intimate, their words. A friend who enjoys incest says 'there is more story in 'deviant' porn than in normal'. I firmly believe preference for a type of porn or certain part of a particular category would not imply preference for one sexual inclination. Correlation does not imply causation.

A caveat, I am not very well versed with porn, so I might be too rigid with my view in this regard, and would love a good debate to gain more perspective.

I do relate more with the one receiving pain than probably with the one in control. Please let me know if I missed the intention behind your question.

 

[Red__Herring]

Welcome to Lit! Glad you’re here.

Thank you, I am glad too, it's fun.

As someone who is neither dominant nor masochistic, I don’t have much personal experience to contribute to your question. But, one of my previous Doms was a switch - he was dominant with me, but had a regular domme he would sub for. This allowed him to deliver and receive pain, which he loved. (I have 0% dom or switch in me, so I was definitely not able to help him there. He once pondered out loud about what kind of mental anguish he could inflict on me if he ordered me to hit him. I did not enjoy even thinking about it, lol).

Did he like you so much or trust you so much to think it out loud? Also I am curious, if you both had a mutual interest in your mental anguish, is that not similar to masochism sans pain?

Could you be switchy?

That's the most difficult question I am trying to answer.

Also, there’s A LOT here, but here’s a link to a page on the BDSM Library dedicated to masochism: Link.

Thank you for the links, I followed the masochism link, and this is what I understood,

Masochism means different things to different people, and even with the same person in different contexts it can mean different things.

Feels like am back to square one.

 

[Primalex]

I'm confused as well. My Dom said from beginning he wasn't into pain. Yet he fantasizes about biting the hell out of my breasts. I reminded him about his previous statements. I'm into zero pain. His response was sometimes he loses it. I think he just can't say he's into giving pain.

Well, I guess if he is more into cannibalism or devouring, then technically he is not into giving pain.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

Did he like you so much or trust you so much to think it out loud? Also I am curious, if you both had a mutual interest in your mental anguish, is that not similar to masochism sans pain?

There was plenty of love and trust involved, but he wanted real pain delivered and I just wasn’t going to be able to give him that. I’ve literally never hit a soul, never spanked a child... He could have ordered me to hit him and I’m sure I would have tried, but that wasn’t what he wanted or needed. I am a service sub and I met a bunch of his needs, and he visited his domme friend to get other itches scratched. And then he would tell me all about it, lol. It worked.

Also of note, mental anguish was/is also not my thing. I don’t want to be in conflict or in trouble, I want to 100% be a “good girl” who delivers on every ask. He joked about ordering me to hit him to watch my face respond to the worry of whether or not I’d be able to comply, but then quickly reassured me he wasn’t going to ask. I’m down to be pushed, but he respected that this would likely be too far.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

Also, I think many of us return to square one pretty often. There’s a lot to learn and explore and many flavors of BDSM on the continuum.

 

[Red__Herring]

You don't always have to share all aspects of yourself with everybody if you're not comfortable. That's perfectly fine too.

It is reassuring to have someone say it out loud. Though not sharing everything is not very satisfying. Too selfish?

I imagine it can be difficult to share that masochistic side of you with a submissive person, because many might view that as not-dominant and might have trouble wrapping their heads around it, just like you are now having trouble understanding that part of yourself. But don't be discouraged!

I never considered this aspect. All the guys (the submissives) I have met have had been a dom at some point or most points in thier pasts. So they probably understood, however my masochism was not their concern, because that was not a common interest.

 

[Primalex]

Also, I think many of us return to square one pretty often. There’s a lot to learn and explore and many flavors of BDSM on the continuum.

A "Go back to square one" option would be handy, when circumstances ruined your run.

 

[Red__Herring]

There was plenty of love and trust involved, but he wanted real pain delivered and I just wasn’t going to be able to give him that. I’ve literally never hit a soul, never spanked a child... He could have ordered me to hit him and I’m sure I would have tried, but that wasn’t what he wanted or needed. I am a service sub and I met a bunch of his needs, and he visited his domme friend to get other itches scratched. And then he would tell me all about it, lol. It worked.

Also of note, mental anguish was/is also not my thing. I don’t want to be in conflict or in trouble, I want to 100% be a “good girl” who delivers on every ask. He joked about ordering me to hit him to watch my face respond to the worry of whether or not I’d be able to comply, but then quickly reassured me he wasn’t going to ask. I’m down to be pushed, but he respected that this would likely be too far.

I understand. Thanks. Broadened my horizons. I probably was trying to understand only through my recently acquired lens.

 

[Red__Herring]

Also, I think many of us return to square one pretty often. There’s a lot to learn and explore and many flavors of BDSM on the continuum.

Sounds like an awesome adventure.

 

[Red__Herring]

A "Go back to square one" option would be handy, when circumstances ruined your run.

I don't understand, relearning everything again?

 

[Red__Herring]

Hello Red_Herring,

I know many people find labels helpful. It's a bit like a medical diagnosis in some ways - there is reassurance in knowing that what you're feeling is something understood, and that others have felt it too. But BDSM labels are really quite broad-brush, and there is a very wide spectrum of kink covered by each.

Understood. I aim to use labels only for the purpose of understanding a person in a very broad sense. I consider it my responsibility to know that each term can have a spectrum of undertones. And so will use labels only as a form of introductions.

Amen.

From what you post, I'd make two points. Firstly, you say that you 'accommodate' a partner when taking a dominant rôle, which I take to mean that you are flexible in what you do according to their tastes and needs. What is it that you enjoy about being the dominant in that situation? Is it the power and control, or watching the pleasure you can give your partner when they cede power to you, or the act of inflicting pain, or something different again?

I used to think that I was neutral about control, however it gives me confidence and I like that. Power, I don't understand, probably not my cup of tea. Pain, unfortunately, has not been a part of the equation so far.

Yes, you are right, I find common interests with the guys who have approached me to be my sub. For example, a guy was into cross dressing and did so occassionally, anonymously. I like making people uncomfortable. So I asked him to wear nail paint on his left hand (he is right handed), for work. And of course a butt plug. It was so worrying throughout the day hoping he won't meet some random judgemental person. It turned out okay in the end. He was so excited. He thanked me. That was sort of nice.

In this context, I wanted full control, I asked him not to get caught, I wanted exactly that. I was a tad bit annoyed when he purposely showed his nail to a shopkeeper just for the thrill of it. I understand thrill, I crave it. But this was going outside the instructions I gave. Though control in the online world is exciting it has so far not been arousing in the cases I could get it.

"watching the pleasure you can give your partner when they cede power to you" sounds extremely sexy, I want to try it with my dom.

Secondly, I'm not sure I understand whether the feelings which confuse you are of submission or masochism. You mention that you act bratty when you're being a sub, but say that you're conflicted about being both a dominant and a masochist - which isn't the same as a submissive. Do you like pain, or do you like being told what to do? Or both?

Both. I love being told what to do by my dom, because then I don't have to worry about anything and can freely enjoy myself. It's like closing my eyes and falling backwards, knowing that he will catch me. I am not conflicted about being a submissive, as I understand the term. I act bratty in the spheres he doesn't care for control, mostly to get even, sort of. If that makes sense. Or to get his attention, which he likes. Ah, I think I heard something in my brain clicking. Do I want control specifically over my dom? Lol, a fun conversation that would be.

But yes, it is perfectly possible for someone who is sexually dominant to enjoy receiving physical pain, while also retaining complete control of the process by which they receive it. In fact, not only is it possible, it's lots of fun.

This. This is exactly what I want. Exactly!

Thank you very much, your questions had more answers than my answers originally did.

 

[Red__Herring]

Also, I think many of us return to square one pretty often. There’s a lot to learn and explore and many flavors of BDSM on the continuum.

I was wondering, how do people know so certainly what they like?

 

[Red__Herring]

As a switch I enjoy both giving and receiving pain. As a submissive for me it does not detract from a persons dominance if they enjoy receiving pain, as a Dominant it does not detract from a persons submission if they enjoy giving pain. There are times I just want or need one or the other but there are also times that meshing the two together and the extra intensity it brings is what I crave/need. My advice to you would be don’t get too hung up on labels they help to identify/relate but don’t let them constrain what feels right and true to you.

I understand, thank you. As I have come to understand through the very helpful replies, I was not as much bothered by the label as I was by not understanding my interests. Or its potential mismatches with the people I have played with.

Was being a switch confusing in the beginning?

 

[Red__Herring]

Welcome to the boards here. I learned so much here and then found a munch through fetlife where I met some people I could start actually trying stuff with. I'm still very good friends with many of those people. Of course now the pandemic is happening the munch is on hold.

Like others have said, labels are helpful but they aren't everything and they are broad. I don't really even know what my label really is in some ways. In some ways I am a slave and others I'm a sadist. At other times I'm a masochist. I also have a bit of little in me and princess. I'm definely a rope bunny with only a little experience. Anyway, all of that is to say that you don't have to know all off the answers right now. Take your time. Make friends. Try some stuff in a safe way. Make some more friends. Enjoy the journey. Be open. Ask questions.

Hehe, sure, I like adventures.

 

[Red__Herring]

what most O/others have said here (and will say) but one thing cannot be emphasized too much: talk talk talk as communication is the key

Yes, I will. Thank you.